BF can't get over crush from 10 years ago

[Serendipity101]

Hello,

I am in a relationship with a man for almost 5 years now. We are in our 20s. We both share the same history of not being in a relationship before. He is my first, and I - his. 

I recently came across an email he wrote to his friend. I happened to discover it by accident.

In the email, he expressed his frustrations about still thinking about this woman he had a crush on from his college days. They were never more than a polite acquaintance and she never knew/knows about his feelings for her. In the email he talked about writing a letter to her to express his feelings, he made it clear that he does not expect a response and admits its silly that he still harbors these emotions towards her. His friend had advised him to come clean with me before planning to send such a letter which he agreed to fervently.

In our relationship, he always mentioned he is confused about his life, long term plans and where he sees himself in the long run. In most of these conversations, I have noticed I am never part of his future plans, it's been 5 years and it makes me wonder where we are headed.

If she is the reason that he has not fully committed to the relationship, is it wise for me to bring it up? My intentions are to support him in getting this weight off his chest. If the lady decides to reciprocate his feelings, I am not sure how I am supposed to handle that.

It sounds crazy to me that someone would harbor such intense feelings for over 10 years when they don't even know the person well.

Note: He had written the email in the middle of the night after a couple drinks (he's not much into alcohol) so I'm assuming it was on a whim - I can't be too sure. In the final email he sent to his friend (when he was sober) he said it was pathetic and he plans on dropping the whole idea of writing to her (for the time being).

I love him wholeheartedly and I know he loves me too, I can tell it hurts him when he realizes I feel upset or insecure in the relationship. I want to support him in relieving this burden he seems to carry but I'm not sure what that would do to our relationship.

 

Appreciate your advice.

Thanks!

 

Edited March 1, 2021 by Serendipity101

[elaine567]

45 minutes ago, Serendipity101 said:

In most of these conversations, I have noticed I am never part of his future plans, it's been 5 years and it makes me wonder where we are headed.

I guess, nowhere...
He is making no future plans with you and you find he has a long term crush on another woman.
Take the hint and waste no more  of your time.

[d0nnivain]

That is the epitome of emotional unavailability.  You need to tell him you read the email & get him to explain himself.  Make sure you are not the place holder, second best substitute because he can't have her.  

[BaileyB]

Is the email the drunken ramblings of a man who is wondering “what if” about his crush... Because honestly, many people probably have someone in their past that they still wonder about. Or, did the alcohol allow him to speak the truth that he is very much interested in another woman and what does that mean for your relationship? 

Only he can tell you.

I am more concerned that you have been in a relationship with the man for five years with no commitment and the man says he is confused and doesn’t know what he wants for the future. It’s time to have a heart to heart discussion, you deserve to know whether your long term partner has the same goals/plans for the future as you do.