I Need to Vent (Mid-Life Crisis?

[TThang29]

Greetings,

34 year old male here. It's been about 5 years since I've last visited and posted on this site. My posts then were expressing my concern and sadness about being 30 and never having a girlfriend. It was a dark time secretly fueled by energy drinks, alcohol, sleeping pills, and of course, depression. A lot has changed since then. I came out of the darkness, quit the sleep meds and caffeine, and I'm approaching two years with zero alcohol. I found passion for life through hobbies (out of fear of someone recognizing me, I won't list anything unique) and even found myself in a three year relationship. The summary of the relationship went like this: I met a beautiful woman on an online dating app and we hit it off. We went on numerous adventures and found enjoyment in being around each other. By date two we were having sex. Somewhere along the way a tragic thing happened. I stopped feeling turned -on by her. It completely disappeared. It's nothing she did and none of this is her fault. We continued to spend a tremendous amount of time with each other because we truly cared for each other.

Well this was quite finite because I picked up notification that I would be moving overseas for one year for my job. There was no guarantee that I'd return to the same location, so we decided it was best to call it quits. During that year apart she started seeing someone else, and I fell back into my reclusive, not able to find a girlfriend ways. Given the location, that was nearly expected. I had an epiphany at one point and decided I wanted to be with her again. I already knew I'd be moving to another state across the country. I called her up and basically read her a long, heartfelt letter I typed out, asking her to move-in with me in this new state. After some time for consideration and planning for her future, she accepted. We moved-in together in January 2019 and it was amazing, but also painfully apparent the intimacy issue was still present. We lived together for two more years, basically as best friends without physical intimacy. She stayed with me mostly due to financial constraints. 

In the middle of the pandemic summer, I received notification that I would be moving yet again to another foreign country due to my job. This time it will be for more than one year. This created a get married or break-up scenario. We went to counseling, we tried making "attempts", we talked about every situation for both of us. Pros, cons, etc. Ultimately, we decided that it was best for me to move along solo while she stays back and pursues a different career path. This was and is the best decision. I just moved here a month ago and still love her. I feel sad and still yearn to see her walk through the door again. It was the right decision. 

I turn 35 this year and I'm no closer to settling down with family than I was at 18. I've learned a lot and have grown since then, but regardless, it feels like I missed the boat for finding happiness. I need to be perfectly honest here. What I didn't mention above is that I was cheating on her the entire time. I believe I have a sex addiction (which is weird because I'm extremely prone to long dry spells without sex), and possibly an addiction to porn. I've constantly sought sexual gratification through sexting with past acquaintances, or even in-person physical means with women who aren't looking for a relationship with me. I'm not sure if she did the same, as I never once looked into her phone or asked who she was talking to. It's possible, but I don't know. It doesn't make my actions right. I justified it in my head by thinking (it's just sex, I'm not getting attached to anyone else). The only reason I mention that here is I don't want to give the impression that I was just this perfect guy who couldn't get it up. 

So now here I am, reaping the reward of my past decisions and failure to commit, and that reward is loneliness. Despite the cheating, I still don't think my past relationship was right for either of us, and the decision to move on was correct. I want to meet someone that I can love unconditionally and start a family with, though I'm fairly certain it's too late. Most people at my age are already married and already have kids. The purpose I've found previously has begun fading, and I am starting to feel worthless again. In the past I fantasized about killing myself. I don't think it's something I would ever have the courage to actually do, but the thoughts have been creeping back. There's a feeling of comfort imagining being gone and removed from life's never-ending problems. 

Tl;dr: Almost 35, single, no kids, no girlfriend, no prospects, sad, lonely, feeling like a happy life has eluded me. 

Redeeming qualities: I greatly love animals and go out of my way to take care of many of them. 

I'm not really seeking advice here, just venting some built up thoughts. 

[d0nnivain]

You are closer to your goal then you were at 18.  You made healthy changes that make you an attractive partner.  You know what's it's like to feel love & you have been committed, even if not married.   

Right now the pandemic has everybody at least mildly depressed & feeling isolated.  I don't have an answer for that but keep doing your hobbies, perhaps adopt an animal & know that you now at least have the skills to sustain a relationship.  

FWIW I was 39 when I met my husband & 41 when we married.  

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

know that you now at least have the skills to sustain a relationship.  

Well, cheating throughout the entire relationship isn’t going to help you get towards your goal.

It would seem that you have replaced one addiction/unhealthy coping method (ie. alcohol, energy drinks, etc...) with another. If your goal is to find a healthy long term relationship, I would suggest that you find a counsellor and start working on this...

Edited March 1, 2021 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

OK the cheating certainly wasn't good but he's still closer to being able to sustain a relationship now than he was at 18 when he hadn't had one yet.  

Plus if they lived together for 2 year with no sex between them, while it would have been smarter to break up, the desire for sex isn't completely unreasonable.  Wanting sex is normal.  If you aren't getting it from a SO, you break up rather than cheat but in a 1st relationship there are bound to be screw ups.  

[BaileyB]

You know I greatly respect your opinion Donnivain, I completely agree that he now has some relationship experience that will be beneficial in future relationships. And yes, it would have been much wiser to end the relationship than live for two years in a sexless relationship - that’s not a healthy or happy way of being for any young man. But cheating during the entire relationship is not a healthy way to be and it won’t support his ability to have a relationship with another woman. I wish you well OP, but I think you have some work to do with a counsellor. I’m worried about these very unhealthy coping skills. 

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, TThang29 said:

So now here I am, reaping the reward of my past decisions and failure to commit, and that reward is loneliness.

Like so many people in the world, part of what you are reaping here is the result (or partly the result) of things that were outside your control. In particular your re-assignment at work.

Clearly, despite issues you may have, you had a woman who was very much into you. Keep in mind that interest can come and go for reasons that have more to do with them than with you. Also I'm not a huge believer in LDRs, although that's JMO.

I'd say your best move is to seek therapy for your (apparent) mental health issues, resolve to be a good partner (ie, no cheating), and look for a new partner. IMO many woman are sensitive to a guy's "mental state" and tend to be more attracted to positive "alpha" vibes (e.g., confident, energetic, outgoing). I suspect you came across that way when that woman fell for you, and if you can get yourself to that kind of state again you should have an easier time.

Additional good news (if you can pull it together) is that some women are significantly less "age-sensitive" than most men. At 35 you actually have decades left in which to make a family, provided you can find the right woman (who's still young enough AND interested, and wants that with you). While high-age-difference relationships are not the majority, there are sufficient numbers of "older guy tolerant" women out there that, if you keep looking, the chances of finding one are at least reasonable. Probably high if you focus on them and not let yourself get distracted.

Bottom line is (IMO) that if you can pull yourself out of your psychological "funk" (e.g. via therapy), move to an area where there are a lot of women around such as a major urban center, work on making yourself both physically and psychologically attractive, and focus on "winning one" you chances are probably quite good. The prospect of a man in his 30's who is both attractive and interested in having a family is likely to be music to the ears of many women, who may feel as you do AND have the pressure of their "biological clocks" ticking away.

Edited March 1, 2021 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

You are defining committing to someone as success. I hope you really don't believe that.

You should talk to people who got married because they hit X age. Go talk and listen to those folks. See what they say. 

Failure to commit didn't lead to your problem. Your problems are inside ... your problems led you not to live a full life. Your problems and inner distortions led you to accept the foolish though that success = marriage.

You could be married right now and you would have the exact same misery. Go build a life. Develop some friendships, some hobbies, read some great books, meet lots of people, excel at work, go work on what ails you inside, including your compulsive sexual acting out.

You're reporting on the cough when your real problem is much deeper--you're not taking basic care of your health.

Just blunt point here: those decisions we make when we randomly look back on a relationship and say I SHOULD HAVE COMMITTED are some of the dumbest decisions people ever make. You're weren't ready to commit, you didn't know how to be in a relationship, you didn't even know how to pay attention to your own feelings. Had you gotten back involved with this person, nothing different would have happened.

Go build a life. Period. Women and dating will follow. You are not ready to raise kids as you are right now. That's not a putdown. You can get to that point. Just reality.