My 11 year old child saw porn. How do I handle that?

[livingalife2009]

My 11 year old son told his dad that he clicked the wrong button and found porn when he was 8 years old. I am not sure if my son told his dad the whole truth. I think my son was curious about sex and sought it out when he was about 11. This is why I thought it was not an accidental click but he looked for it. My husband and I do not share a bed on a regular basis, we have sex once in awhile and usually in the master's bedroom. My son does not like to sleep alone so he shares a bed with my husband. I am not worried about him sleeping with his dad whatsoever and I believe that children need to feel secure as much as possible so I am completely fine with my son sleeping with his dad. I am 1000000% confident that my husband has never and will never touch our son inappropriately so let's not waste time even thinking about it. Although I don't mind my son sleeping with my husband I have asked my husband to snuggle with our son in our son's bed until he falls asleep and then he (my husband) can move to the master's bedroom. I do not like sharing a bed with my husband because of his sleeping habits. LOL

About 5 months ago while my husband and I were being intimate I heard my son sitting right outside of our bedroom door listening to us.  He was so curious and asked his dad some questions. For example, what do I do with my penis other than peeing? What is the most fun you have with mom? When my husband said "trip to Disney" My son replied, 'No, I mean in bed'. The problem is that my son is now very disturbed by what he saw online - a woman and a man having sex. My son does not want to talk to me about what bothers him so I know all of this from my husband. My son is ADHD and was suicidal at one point. I consider myself very good in calming my children's fear and in feeding their emotional needs but how can I help my son when he does not want to talk to me about the "thingy' that bothers him and my husband does not want to talk about it for fear of stirring my son's emotions. Please help.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, livingalife2009 said:

My son is ADHD and was suicidal at one point. 

Does your son see a pediatric psychiatrist/psychologist? 

[basil67]

Both the question to his father about his sex life and sitting outside the door are beyond inappropriate.  You didn't mention whether or not he was firmly corrected at the time, but I hope he was.    Remind yourself that it's quite possible to both nurture and discipline children at the same time.

Regarding his behaviour now and the porn sighting three years ago, has he told you that he's disturbed because of it?    Do you know for a fact that something is bothering him at all?  What "emotions" in your son is your husband afraid of stirring with a father-son discussion on sex ed and relationships

You're correct that a child needs to feel secure, but snuggling and sleeping with your husband actively prevents him growing and learning independence and resilience.  Building resilience is essential for all, but even more so for a kid who's got a history of mental health concerns.   If your home life is secure, loving and supportive and has good boundaries, there's no reason that your son should feel insecure because he has to learn to sleep on his own.  That said, I would expect some toddler like behaviour from him when you change things up. But again, love, nurture and boundaries in hand will be the solution.

I'm also interested in whether or not your son is still seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist.  If you feel unequipped to do this on your own, they are the people who can call on for support and guidance.

[spiderowl]

I agree with the above poster that it is best if sleeping arrangements change.  Your son is old enough not to need to sleep with a parent now.

He is curious about things which is natural.  I would suggest you mention to him that you knew he had seen porn when he was younger and he might have some questions about that.  Explain that adult relationships are not porn, that they involve love and fidelity too.  Tell him he is welcome to come and talk with you about it, then leave him to mull this over.  

If he does come and ask questions, just be as honest as possible.  Explain the distinctions between porn and loving adult relationships.  He has almost certainly talked and joked with his friends about these things.  You could even get him a book that is age-appropriate but up to date and that explains things clearly.  Try to keep the communication door open for him and advise your husband to do so too.  Your husband does not have to share details of your sex life with your son.  He should keep it more about adult relationships in general, without actually denying that you two have a sexual relationship.  Honesty, but with love and understanding.

Edited March 3, 2021 by spiderowl

[Watercolors]

On 3/1/2021 at 9:02 AM, livingalife2009 said:

My son is ADHD and was suicidal at one point. I consider myself very good in calming my children's fear and in feeding their emotional needs but how can I help my son when he does not want to talk to me about the "thingy' that bothers him and my husband does not want to talk about it for fear of stirring my son's emotions. Please help.

My grandparents slept in separate bedrooms b/c my grandfather snored really loud. They were married from age 17 to age 100. Their separate sleeping arrangements were for their own health and well-being and did not in any way, indicate that their marriage had any problems. 

I think sleeping separately as spouses needs to become normalized. I'm not with a partner but if I were, I'd tell him to sleep separately b/c I am a light sleeper and I will not put up with snoring, drooling, talking in one's sleep, or sleep walking or sleep movement. Doesn't mean I'm a horrible relationship partner either. 

I think you and your husband have been too lax with boundaries for your 11 year old son, and have not been very responsible with his growth and development. The subject of 'sex' seems to be taboo for parents these days. You need to create some firm boundaries with your son and take responsibility for how you may have failed him in that way. Don't blame this on your child. That's not cool. 

[Allupinnit]

I hope that you are closely monitoring his online searches and habits.

I would try to reframe what sex is/means to him - 11 is old enough.  Sit down and talk with him plainly about it and answer any questions he might have, within reason and without doing into detail about your private love life.  What the mechanics are, pregnancy, what it means in marriage, etc.in basic terms.

And yes, start having him sleep in his own room.  I don't have a problem with co-sleeping parents but 11?  AND asking about sex?  I think some clear boundaries need to be put in place.

[ShyViolet]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I'm sure this isn't the first time that an 11-year-old boy has been curious about sex.  It's normal.  However, you as parents need to set boundaries. It is time for your son to start sleeping on his own.  It's a bit weird that he is still wanting to sleep with a parent.  Just because your son wants to do this doesn't mean that you or his Dad should allow it.

Your son is curious to find out about sex, and sooner or later he is going to find out, so as parents you should make sure that he has his questions answered in appropriate ways, or else he will seek it out inappropriately.  I don't have the exact answers as to where to find appropriate sex education resources for children his age.  I'm sure there are some age-appropriate books out there.  Or maybe consulting a child therapist is a good idea.

[BaileyB]

On 3/1/2021 at 9:02 AM, livingalife2009 said:

What is the most fun you have with mom? When my husband said "trip to Disney"

I’m sorry, but this made me laugh out loud. Your husband is so sweet! But, kids will call our bluff everytime...

If your 11 year old son has been suicidal, I’m going to assume that you found him some counselling support. I would definitely encourage you to talk with this counsellor again - for advice, for some support for your son. While it is normal for a child to be curious about sex, it sounds like you are in a little deeper here than you are comfortable so it would be very appropriate to seek the assistance of a child psychologist. 

Edited March 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[Fletch Lives]

It's time for sex education for the child. There are children's sex education books. Read one to him.

Remember, if you don't teach them, the world will, and it may not be the version you would prefer.

[Taramere]

For your son to have had suicidal ideation at such a young age is very troubling.  Like others, I'm assuming you have ongoing therapeutic support?  The porn issue is something that you should definitely discuss with any therapists involved.

There's a Ted Talk by a feminist called Gail Dines.  I remember watching it a while back - and I warn you, she's no holds barred in her description of some of the stuff that's out there, porn wise, and how young a lot of kids are when they see it.  I've long been concerned about the amount of violent stuff out there.  I remember I used to get pretty dispirited engaging in discussions on here about it because most people didn't seem to take it seriously...but I think there's a lot more awareness now of just how easily accessible it is, how violent some of the material is and the impact it can have on boys who watch it.  Not only with regard to their perceptions of girls, but with the way it encourages them to see themselves.

What struck me about that Ted Talk by Gail Dines (and you can find it quite easily on youtube) was the response in the comments.  I was resigned to see lots of insulting comments from men because that's very much how it used to be whenever a feminist was talking about porn.  However, the responses I read were radically different from what I expected.  A lot of really positive commentary from male commenters (as well as female ones) who felt that she was totally on point.  

Again, it's not a nice talk to listen to because she goes into detail about some pretty horrible stuff...but that is what is out there.  Your son may well have seen stuff that's more extreme than you think.  If he has, I do think that's likely to traumatise a child.  From recollection (I'm not too keen to listen to the talk again - though it was a really excellent talk) Gail Dines was getting right into the psychology of how viewing violent porn is likely to leave young boys feeling.  Again, if your son's involved with a therapist then you would probably want to have some discussion with them about that.  But Gail Dines Ted Talk might give you some clarity about what the impact of viewing porn might have had on your son.  This is a complete guess and speculation on my part - but maybe if he's seen something violent, his desire to share the bed with you and your husband comes from a place of wanting to protect you.   That is just total speculation on my part, though.

[Weezy1973]

I’d handle it the same way if he was emotionally disturbed by a non-porn movie. Explain that they’re actors portraying sex and it isn’t real. 11 is definitely old enough to have a sex talk as well, and sounds like he’s ready for it. First thing is you want to know what he already knows (or thinks he knows) and then answer any questions he might have honestly but succinctly. As for the “most fun” question, I’d just let him know that those things are private. I wouldn’t shame him for wanting to know. It’s normal to be curious.