I'm losing it

[Mrsery]

I’m really sensitive right now so please tread lightly. I’m feeling very isolated and alone and for the first time probably ever, I feel like getting in my car and driving it full speed into a brick wall. I don’t know if I have ever felt so hopeless in my life. Does anyone else feel just stuck? Like no way out of their situation?

I don’t know how to quite describe my marriage. I am not being hit. He isn’t calling me names or screaming at me. As far as I know, he isn’t cheating on me. He isn’t abusing drugs or alcohol. He isn’t staying out all night with friends. So it’s not like there are really terrible things happening. It’s the slow burn of all the small things with absolutely no end in sight.

It’s frequent silent treatment that could last for weeks when he feels slighted in any way. He won’t talk to me about it, he will just stop all communication and sleep on the couch. If I dare ask him, he loses it and tells me I’m stirring s*** up. He constantly puts me down but not in a mean way. It’s always in a joking manner. He’ll tell me how f***ed up my hair looks when I wake up. He tells me I don’t know how to do laundry properly. He tells me I’m not good at grocery shopping and getting good deals. He’ll even tell me I’m not holding my arm right when throwing darts at a friends house. I’m not washing my car correctly. I’m not cooking something the right way.

It never ends and there are no compliments or songs of praise to counter any of this. When I really do great at something, he almost seems resentful. He minimizes pretty impressive things I’ve done or tries to one up me. He blames everything on my anxiety. If I’m upset by anything he does, he tells me I need medication. There’s zero accountability. He doesn’t have to answer for s***.

When he isn’t happy, he points out things I don’t do well as the source. So I do the things. I can’t be mad about that because, in the process, I’ve become incredibly capable and efficient. But one slip up. One off day and he is back to the whole “I knew it wouldn’t last”. We do not have sex anymore. I can count on one hand how many times we have had sex in the past year. He blames it on health problems but won’t get it checked out. Beyond an occasional peck kiss, he doesn’t even kiss me unless we are having sex. No embrace. Doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful. Doesn’t tell me I’m a good mother or thank me for anything I do.

When I try to do nice things for him, he tells me he never asked me to do it. Almost like that’s his excuse for not being grateful. I shouldn’t have done it because he didn’t ask for it. When I buy him gifts, he tells me I got the wrong model or I paid to much or it’s not his taste. When I am upset, he has no reaction. Even when a family member dies and I’m crying, he doesn’t flinch. Doesn’t console me. Looks completely unaffected. But he reaches out to others who are hurting or depressed. He encourages them and compliments them and is just there for them like an empathetic person should be.

Man I could be here all night yapping about this marriage. He probably sounds like a monster but he’s actually not. He is a hard worker. Very reliable. He is helpful to people. He’s funny. Everyone loves him. So naturally, I first ask what I am doing wrong. What is it about me that causes him to act this way? He isn’t like this with anyone else.

In general, I’m just that way. In any situation, I ask what it is that I could do differently and I’m telling you I have done it all. Every. Single. Thing. Everything he has asked of me. I’m not unattractive by any stretch. In fact, I get hit on regularly and it makes me feel even crazier because it doesn’t line up with how my husband treats me.

I don’t even know what to believe about myself anymore. His friends all tell him he hit the jackpot and he shows me off, brags about me, pulls me in when guys are around. But when we go home, he treats me like s***. I just feel like I have to fix everything about myself all at once when it comes to him. I can’t have an off day. I can’t have flaws. I have to be tough, independent, efficient, quick, just a machine, basically. All of these things, when written out, sound terrible. But in day to day life, it feels like nothing very substantial. Uneventful, day to day life. Until I feel it. Until I’m alone at night in my bedroom, bawling my eyes out. Until I get so depressed and lonely that I feel like I’m literally dying.

I’ve written so much about my marriage that I’ve left no room to write about how equally as bad a divorce would be in our current situation. Especially for the kids. Where do I even begin to fix this?

Edited March 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

Hi mrsery, I'm so glad you reached out.   You have just described a textbook case of abuse.  Your husband is a controlling abuser and what he's doing to you is terrible.  And I would go as far as saying that his behaviour to you is monstrous.

Abusers are almost always warm and friendly to friends and associates, but save the bad stuff for their partners.   The reason your husband does this is because he knows that if he treated his workmates and friends like he treated you, they'd cut him off.   But he knows you'll stay, so he does what he likes because he's got you cowed.  Classic abuse behaviour.

Do you have any friends or family you can confide in?  

The only way you can fix this is to leave him.  Thing is, his behaviour is his responsibility. You do not cause him to act like he does.  What about your current situation makes a divorce such a bad outcome?   This abusive dynamic is being role modeled to your children.   A son will learn that this is how he should treat a wife and a daughter will learn that she should accept abuse.  

Please stay here with us - we might have different ideas of how to manage the situation but I'm sure you'll get plenty of support. 

[jolehno]

Go on line and check narcissism. There you will find some answers. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I would go as far as saying that his behaviour to you is monstrous.

I agree. Bruises heal. What he is doing to you creates invisible scars that last far longer. 

Divorce is difficult, but staying seems to be much harder. Are your kids aware of this behavior? Does he control their actions and give them the silent treatment? Even if the answer is no, if they live in the same home I have no doubt that they are very aware of the way he behaves toward you. That’s difficult for a child to see. Every time he puts you down, he puts them down - because they are a part of you and you are a part of them. 

I would be concerned about what this teaches your son - what is he learning about relationships and how a man should treat a woman? And what of a daughter? What does she learn of trust and respect from this man? What should she expect in her relationship? Should she accept this kind of behavior from a partner? She is looking to you for guidance... gently, what are you teaching them if you stay?

basil is correct, if you have someone you can confide in for support, I would seek out that trusted friend or family member. If you have the opportunity to find an individual counsellor, I would strongly encourage you to call. At the very least, keep posting here. There is support for you here. You are not alone. 

Despite what he may say, you have done nothing to warrant such things from your partner. Abusers like to shift the blame, but this is his problem - not yours. I know it’s a difficult thing to contemplate, but I would strongly encourage you to leave. 

Edited March 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[Soul-shards]

Huge control issues and immaturity. He needs to read a lot on his own about what he's doing + counseling. It would be nice if you could show him what you wrote here and then have him read these answers. He need to change his ways.

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, Mrsery said:

All of these things, when written out, sound terrible. But in day to day life, it feels like nothing very substantial. Uneventful, day to day life. Until I feel it. Until I’m alone at night in my bedroom, bawling my eyes out. Until I get so depressed and lonely that I feel like I’m literally dying.

I’ve written so much about my marriage that I’ve left no room to write about how equally as bad a divorce would be in our current situation. Especially for the kids. Where do I even begin to fix this?

I'm so sorry, Mrsery. What he's doing to you is brutal and you do not deserve any of it. No one does. You sound like you've convinced yourself it's not that bad and that you can fix it. But it really is bad, even worse than it sounds. His actions towards you are not small things. This guy is deliberately and systematically engaging in the types of actions that would crush anybody's spirit and make them feel exactly how you're feeling right now: like you want to end your life. It's not your place to fix his behavior because it's not you who is making a conscious choice to be abusive. 

I'm not sure why you say divorce would be equally bad. Maybe you'll write more about it some other time? But I think right now our priority should be to get you to see just how messed up your husband's behavior is and that you are not alone. That this is not your fault.

Do you have the capacity to watch videos on YouTube? If you do, please search for videos by "Dr. Ramani." She focuses on narcissistic partners/relationships in her videos. The videos are valuable because she often goes into minute detail regarding the dynamics of abusive relationships. She describes things like manipulation and silent treatment and the dynamics involved and the impact on the person being subjected to them. Understanding the how and why behind the abuse can be really empowering for a person in your situation. Your husband doesn't have to be narcissistic for her insights to benefit you. Please begin there, Mrsery. And if, for some reason, you're unable to watch online videos, please let me know so that I can direct you to materials in another format.

 

[d0nnivain]

It's "death" by a 1,000 shallow cuts.  It is abusive.   No sex plus no emotional connection is called marital abandonment. 

6 hours ago, Mrsery said:

I’ve written so much about my marriage that I’ve left no room to write about how equally as bad a divorce would be in our current situation. Especially for the kids. Where do I even begin to fix this?

You can't fix this on your own.  You didn't break it.  If he won't participate, there is nothing you can do. 

What would be so bad about a divorce?  Perhaps it's time for a pros & cons list.  Yours won't be the 1st kids from divorced parents.  Leaving their father doesn't mean you don't love them.  What does staying teach them?  Do you really want them to learn that what their father is doing to you is the right way to treat a spouse? 

[Mrsery]

11 hours ago, Soul-shards said:

Huge control issues and immaturity. He needs to read a lot on his own about what he's doing + counseling. It would be nice if you could show him what you wrote here and then have him read these answers. He need to change his ways.

I have written things like this before and showed him. He either retorts with something I do that makes him act this way or he says the classic “I don’t understand, if it’s really that bad, if I’m that bad of a person, why don’t you just leave? Why are you still with me if you’re so miserable?” I always end up feeling bad. I know if I let it go, he’ll be nice to me. Laugh and joke with me. He does things for me. But the lack of emotional intimacy and engagement starts to build until I get to where I’m at now. He seems to think that once the talk is over, he just has to be nice and civil. It’s not brought up again for quite some time. As if it never happened. Nothing is truly resolved and I’m always made to feel I’m stirring the pot if I am not just content with the fact that we aren’t angry with one another. Even now, I feel a little crazy for thinking there is an issue. 

[Mrsery]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It's "death" by a 1,000 shallow cuts.  It is abusive.   No sex plus no emotional connection is called marital abandonment. 

You can't fix this on your own.  You didn't break it.  If he won't participate, there is nothing you can do. 

What would be so bad about a divorce?  Perhaps it's time for a pros & cons list.  Yours won't be the 1st kids from divorced parents.  Leaving their father doesn't mean you don't love them.  What does staying teach them?  Do you really want them to learn that what their father is doing to you is the right way to treat a spouse? 

We struggled financially for most of our marriage. Lived in crappy, tiny houses, bad areas. I was a stay at home mom with no college degree or real work history. I finally went back to work a few years ago and started making really good money. That with my side hustle, I now make more than him. I pushed and pushed, rebuilt our credit, and bought our dream home. Everyone has a room. Nice neighborhood. Kids made tons of friends. They go to good schools now. Just overall better opportunities for everyone. Life, in that aspect, is significantly better. We now have what we could have only dreamed of having a few short years ago. The kids are thriving now, whereas before, they were struggling, making bad grades, hanging with the wrong crowd. I had to do that on my own. My husband doubted it could be done. Literally told me I was just wasting my time. So I went through the process of credit repair and the mortgage process all on my own and finally made it happen. If we divorce, I feel like everything g I worked so hard for will be gone. I’ll snatch the rug under my kids feet and throw them back into a life I worked so hard at getting them out of. I naively thought that if I did the impossible and made those dreams come true for the family, my husband would be happy. It blows my mind that wasn’t enough. But I can’t afford the house on my own right now. We are very much tied up financially. We have a massive credit card that needs to be paid down. We do it. We pay everything on time and we are doing well but without his income, it’s just not possible. Maybe in about 5 years when cars are paid, credit card is paid, I could refinance the house and handle the payments on my own but it’s just not possible right now. The kids are actually happy. They don’t notice what’s happening right now. They are more attached to me than him. If they are hit with 1) divorce, 2) split custody, 3) moving into a tiny house and sharing rooms again, 4) leaving their friends, 5) going back to terrible schools, it’s going to wreck them. I know I can leave at some point where everyone will be relatively unaffected but right now is the worst possible tone and I will be replacing one problem for another. I won’t be happy if my kids are struggling. I could live in whatever but I want my kids to have a nice life. I know it seems superficial but giving them something I never had, opportunities I never had, is everything to me.

[Mrsery]

9 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I'm so sorry, Mrsery. What he's doing to you is brutal and you do not deserve any of it. No one does. You sound like you've convinced yourself it's not that bad and that you can fix it. But it really is bad, even worse than it sounds. His actions towards you are not small things. This guy is deliberately and systematically engaging in the types of actions that would crush anybody's spirit and make them feel exactly how you're feeling right now: like you want to end your life. It's not your place to fix his behavior because it's not you who is making a conscious choice to be abusive. 

I'm not sure why you say divorce would be equally bad. Maybe you'll write more about it some other time? But I think right now our priority should be to get you to see just how messed up your husband's behavior is and that you are not alone. That this is not your fault.

Do you have the capacity to watch videos on YouTube? If you do, please search for videos by "Dr. Ramani." She focuses on narcissistic partners/relationships in her videos. The videos are valuable because she often goes into minute detail regarding the dynamics of abusive relationships. She describes things like manipulation and silent treatment and the dynamics involved and the impact on the person being subjected to them. Understanding the how and why behind the abuse can be really empowering for a person in your situation. Your husband doesn't have to be narcissistic for her insights to benefit you. Please begin there, Mrsery. And if, for some reason, you're unable to watch online videos, please let me know so that I can direct you to materials in another format.

 

I have seen a ton of videos and read articles and he seems to fit the description of a covert narcissist. But I always go back to feeling I caused this whole thing. I was a live wire in the early days of our relationship. Emotional, manipulative, jealous, argumentative. You name it. The thing is, I have invested a lot of time and effort into personal growth and am no longer the same person. But it seems as if he is angrier now than he was then. Almost as if he loved my chaos because it made him feel superior. Like I was the out of control hellion and he was my savior. Now that I’ve gained independence and am emotionally stable and healthy, he knows I don’t really need him. I’ve gotten a lot tougher than I used to be. I had no choice. But there is still that part of me that wonders if my behavior early on doomed the relationship and he will never see me differently than who I used to be. Maybe I even traumatized him. I feel like I ruined his life. Like maybe he had other plans in mind but I live bombed him and emotionally manipulated him into staying with me. He tried to leave me early on. A few times, actually. And I always cried and begged him not to go. I feel like I caused this whole thing and sometimes question if I’m the narcissist. But I can’t be. I actually feel very deeply for people. Even him, even when he pisses me off or does something terrible, I think of how he must be hurting and I try to make it better. I reflexively react to his anger, pain, sadness, and do anything I can to make it better. I’m actually probably on the extreme end of the empathy spectrum. For sure a highly sensitive person. So I have so many contradictory beliefs about what’s actually going on. When I emotionally detach, I see how dysfunctional it is. There should be a reaction from him. There should be emotions. There should be a desire to make it better. You can’t possibly continue going on as if nothing is wrong. That’s just not normal. But then I reason with that and say he just has a different personality and if that is his reality, if that’s the way his world works, who am I to change him? I try to compromise and meet him where he is. But he does not budge. There is no compromise from him. I don’t even know what I’m saying at this point. I want to believe it can get better. I hate thinking he is a bad person. I really don’t even think he has the emotional capacity to understand what he is doing. It doesn’t seem intentionally malicious. He just seems to have a very low IQ. He isn’t perceptive of others. There’s a history of trauma in his life. I just keep thinking there is something that can be done. I want to see him be better. I know I can’t fix him but I feel like if I could get him into counseling and someone else can show him what he is doing, maybe he would have an epiphany like I did. I never thought I could be the person I am now. He could have left me when I was at my lowest but he didn’t. Now he is probably at his lowest and I just want to try and help him get whatever help he needs. My thoughts are a mess. I want to leave but I also don’t. 

[Soul-shards]

31 minutes ago, Mrsery said:

I have written things like this before and showed him. He either retorts with something I do that makes him act this way or he says the classic “I don’t understand, if it’s really that bad, if I’m that bad of a person, why don’t you just leave? Why are you still with me if you’re so miserable?” I always end up feeling bad. I know if I let it go, he’ll be nice to me. Laugh and joke with me. He does things for me. But the lack of emotional intimacy and engagement starts to build until I get to where I’m at now. He seems to think that once the talk is over, he just has to be nice and civil. It’s not brought up again for quite some time. As if it never happened. Nothing is truly resolved and I’m always made to feel I’m stirring the pot if I am not just content with the fact that we aren’t angry with one another. Even now, I feel a little crazy for thinking there is an issue. 

If it keeps going like this in circles, on and on, then you're looking at those proverbial "irreconcilable differences."

Make sure it is this and if so, split sooner rather than later. The more you wait, the harder it will become to split.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Mrsery said:

I always go back to feeling I caused this whole thing.

Read a little about the cycle of abuse, and codependent relationships. You may recognize yourself and understand a little more what is happening here. 

Quote

I know I can’t fix him but I feel like if I could get him into counseling and someone else can show him what he is doing, maybe he would have an epiphany like I did. He could have left me when I was at my lowest but he didn’t. Now he is probably at his lowest and I just want to try and help him get whatever help he needs. 

Codependency at its best. 

You can’t fix him. For things to improve, you need a willing partner. Willing to make a change. Willing to do the work. It doesn’t sound like you have that. And, there is nothing YOU can do to make HIM want to improve. The only thing you can do is leave...

Edited March 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[Crazelnut]

This is something you need to understand and internalize: you didn't cause the problem and you cannot fix it. You cannot make him change. 

You say how horrible your kids' lives would be if you split, but ... um ... think about what it's like now. They see their mother being disrespected, ignored, and treated like garbage! You are teaching them that relationships should be like this. You are setting them up for a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships. Wouldn't it be better to share a bedroom for a few years than to have a lifetime of screwed up relationships??

Find a way to make divorce work. Remember, he will owe you child support, so you'll have a little of his income. And you can make it work if you have to -- refinance the house, whatever.  Move to a smaller place. Is your mental health and self-respect worth a nice house?

Edited March 2, 2021 by Crazelnut

[SaraSays]

Don’t put bricks and mortar before your peace of mind, and the safety of you and your kids. A smaller home would be just fine. Plenty of people in this world live in studio flats, and they manage just fine.

Your kids are learning about how husbands and wives behave towards each other from you both, and how relationships work. They are learning about how men treat women. They are learning about how people sharing a living space get by day-to-day and handle problems. 

Violent men escalate to violence. They don't start off being violent on day 1. Over time, boundaries are broken down, and lines become blurred, until a woman becomes a shadow of her former self, isolated from any people she used to know. An abusive man isn't abusive 24 hours a day. It’s very common for them to be charm personified to strangers and neighbours, all the while terrorising those with the misfortune of sharing homes with them.

Watch some of those shows on serial k1llers. They often have a trail of family members, friends, acquaintances and neighbours, who can never accept what's been proven to be true. 

Every man in history who went on to commit monstrous acts of inhumanity, resulting in the needless deaths of many, had friends, had love in their lives, might have danced to music, might have laughed at someone telling jokes...

We are routinely attacked and killed by men we know, and there is yet to be enough legal and social support for us, if we do survive such an attack, that would in any way help us to rebuild our lives. I can't tell you how poor legal services are, how mishandled violent crimes against women are, how inadequate the safety-net for us is when we leave violent partners, and our single s3x spaces are currently under threat of being removed.

The best thing you could do right now is start researching safe spaces for women - refuges and support groups. You should make contact with them, and find out how to access their services. Please take this very seriously. Our lives are in great danger with such men.

The stat's tell us we're walking amongst abusive men all day long without realising it, men with a deep desire to hurt and control us. Please get out as quickly as you can, for the safety of you and your kids, and don't waste any more time on bargaining with him, and trying to talk it through. You'll find lots of great support here, whatever you need, even if just a bit of company in the  moments it feels impossible to carry on.

You're stronger than you think.

[d0nnivain]

I think you are wrong.  You fixed the finances & got your family into a good place.  With child support payments I think you could manage to stay in the house.  Another option might be to get him to agree to let the kids stay there until they graduate & then you sell, splitting the proceeds later.  There are ways to get out without being in a bad neighborhood again. 

[Lotsgoingon]

My heart goes out to you. It goes out to you for your pain. But my heart also goes out to you because you don’t feel entitled to even acknowledge your pain.

 You can be kinder to yourself. Sharing here is a good step. Now it’s time for you to begin sharing this with others. You need to admit how bad things are. You will see that people won’t think you’re being spoiled. I'm thinking you must be socially isolated because you have a warped sense of how people judge marriages. 

Start sharing with others, and you will see that the standard you have—that if a man isn’t beating you, all is fine—isn’t a reasonable standard. That’s a brutal, self-hurting, self-harming, self-poisoning standard. 

If economics and lack of an independent income is the reason you're tolerating this treatment, well I can get that. But sister girl, your marriage, as is, is setting a terrible example to your children, awful. You think your kids don't notice that dad treats mom like dirt? Kids notice, even they don't want to. And guess what? They absorb kind of behavior as normal. I hesitate to say that because you're already self-critical. 

Maybe first step: go for a free consultation to a divorce lawyer to figure out what you'd get in a divorce. You don't have to file tomorrow, but at least take some action. Otherwise, not just your mood, but your entire physical health will suffer from this kind of relationship. How can it be otherwise?

Unless you're going to be homeless by divorcing him, bringing up "the kids" isn't really justification for staying with someone who treats you like dirt.  Another first step: can you get to therapy? Hubby will mock you, but so what? He'll mock you as you're getting stronger. If you can at all afford it, go for it!

[MsJayne]

This is awful.  I encourage you to read up as much as you can on narcissism because it does sound like this is the crux of your problem. What category he might fall under is irrelevant, all that matters is that you get informed and arm yourself.  They project their feelings of failure and insecurity on to someone close to them, usually choosing a person whose good qualities highlight the narcissists own failings. I can tell just by reading your post that you're intelligent and kind, and those two qualities alone are enough to motivate the narc to bring you down, but add in good looks and accomplishments, and God forbid any sort of natural talent, and you're in real danger.  He's desperately insecure in your relationship, and puts you down to keep you 'in your place' so that you don't open your eyes and see what's going on, he's keeping you too busy second guessing yourself to have time to process what he's doing.  The business about him telling you that you should be on medication, casting doubts on your sanity - this is a classic narcissist tactic, as is gas-lighting, as is presenting a Mr Good Guy persona to the outside world. These people murder your soul and steal your ego, then feign concern to onlookers, making you out to be the feeble-minded halfwit who they magnanimously put up with even though your anxiety or depression, (often both), is a burden to their saintly self. My advice would be to get away from him as soon as possible, and once you've removed yourself, don't fall for the tactics which will then be employed to win you back. Think about your kids and the possibility of him shifting his focus on to them - narcs usually choose a favourite child and then set about destroying the non-favoured child and the consequences can be the worst possible outcome. Many victims of narcissistic abuse become suicidal when they've absorbed so much of the narcissists self-loathing and negativity that they begin to doubt their own sanity. Please don't let it get to that stage, and don't think you're making a big deal of nothing, (another symptom of narc abuse), because you absolutely are not - you do have a monster in your house. 

[IslandSanctuary]

He sounds like a raging narcissist. I learned the hard way what traits to look for in a partner. Looking good for a 'community' - ie "everybody loves him" and being a "hard worker" are common positive traits of narcs. 
I'm sorry but this wont change or get better unless you leave. 

There are real people out there that can care about you, people that crave and value empathetic connections. You just need to make this your number one priority or you'll just continue enabling narcs. 

Edited March 2, 2021 by IslandSanctuary

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I think you are wrong.  You fixed the finances & got your family into a good place.  With child support payments I think you could manage to stay in the house.  Another option might be to get him to agree to let the kids stay there until they graduate & then you sell, splitting the proceeds later.  There are ways to get out without being in a bad neighborhood again. 

It may be work having the conversation with a lawyer, just so that you have all the information when making the decision OP. I too admire your strength and your work ethic. That will serve you well, should you ever decide to leave your marriage. 

[Milehisnk]

Yes.  I absolutely feel the same way.  reading your story felt like I was almost reading my own story, with only a few slight discrepancies.  I am living the same life, only I'm the man in the house.  I've been sleeping on the couch, or not at all some nights.  It's a horrible feeling.  I hope you can find the strength to move on with your life.