Are Dating Sites even helpful?

[Leth43]

I’m 25, I have recently come out of a nearly 8 year relationship with my college sweetheart and now looking at the dating scene again in about 10 years since I last tried (15, I was in highschool then!).

The main reasons I have chosen online dating:

I have not long been in full time employment after University.

I don’t consider clubbing a fun time.

I have no close-ish female friends I know that are still single or that won’t jeopardize my friendship with closest friends.

I can only spend free time late in the evenings or on odd weekends.

I have noone to hang out with on a daily basis where I could potentially talk to someone at an event.

Approaching a girl in the gym at 6.30am would be a negative experience for her which, more often than not is an instant “no” from her.

I am no longer in education (High School, College or University) so the ability to know or randomly meet girls hanging nearby is drastically less, a lot of them will be at home at my age.

My last resort at this point of my life is online dating. I am more old fashioned and would rather meet someone in person for coffee instead of spilling my personal life out online to strangers, so I’m using online apps to start a conversation. Then I see where it goes from there.

Only been using it about 2 months now, some curious emails but nothing has happened yet. Early days still.

Edited March 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[normal person]

6 hours ago, Leth43 said:

My last resort at this point of my life is online dating. I am more old fashioned and would rather meet someone in person for coffee instead of spilling my personal life out online to strangers,

You really don't need to justify your choice. It's 2021. Everyone uses online dating, it's the first thing many people resort to now. The advantage of it is that you aren't limited to meeting just people who are in your proximity -- you can meet people you would have otherwise never crossed paths with. So look at it that way. You can just use it to supplement all the opportunities you have in person.  

That being said, you mentioned you're using dating "sites." I assume you mean things like Match, OKCupid, POF, etc? It sounds like you might be in the UK or somewhere else outside the US, so I'm not too sure of the culture there, but here, it seems young people have evolved beyond "sites" and are basically all in on apps, Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, etc. Someone under the age of 30 correct me if I'm wrong. I'd focus your energy there. Best of luck. 

[Miss Spider]

Nah, not everyone uses online dating and no, I don’t think I’d ever “resort” to it again. I can’t envision myself being that desperate, at present. But you never say never . They are very helpful to a lot of people 

Edited March 2, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[normal person]

49 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Nah, not everyone uses online dating and no, I don’t think I’d ever “resort” to it again. I can’t envision myself being that desperate, at present. But you never say never . They are very helpful to a lot of people 

Fair, maybe it was a bit hyperbolic to say "everyone" uses it, but I don't know anyone who's single and looking who doesn't use it. Maybe it's a cultural thing too. There's certainly no stigma to it in New York City, even amongst successful, high profile people. 

[Miss Spider]

Yeah, there’s not much stigma for the most part,  but my bf is here from life long in Brooklyn, &  he didnt use it. We had a convo about it, but I’m not going to repeat here because it’s not helpful to the topic.It can be a fine tool for many.  I know many who have fallen in love that way. Just recently my cousin  who met her soon to be 2nd husband. 

Edited March 2, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[HiCrunchy]

Its just another avenue to find people. I have friends that have found SOs through apps, but it was a journey of many bad dates/ghosting/texting etc. Its possible but more heartbreaking I think than meeting through friends or activity where there is more of a social pressure to not treat your date like trash since you will be held socially responsible for your actions.

[ZA Dater]

My suggestion,  I was on various sites and apps for over 10 years. You need to not overly rely on them, they can totally break your spirit if you let them.

In my view depending what you are looking for they are fundamentally flawed but some people do have success on them, how you define that success is up to you though.

[SumGuy]

On-line dating made dating again very easy...maybe it is my age (50+)...what and how much you wish to reveal is entirely up to you.   The good news is (unlike real life) most people on OLD are looking to meet someone so asking them out there is expected, in real life not so much as you correctly surmise.

[Wiseman2]

Along with pursuing real life hobbies, interests, sports, clubs, groups, volunteering,etc. Dating apps are just one more avenue in your dating portfolio

Agree that gyms and dance clubbing trying to pick up women is a poor choice

So why aren't you volunteering at an animal shelter or hospital?

Make sure you have a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. Set up your screening criteria for reducing burnout. That means choosing the appropriate age group and reasonable distance.

[Trail Blazer]

Dating sites have been really helpful for me.  I was married for a long time and when I entered the dating market over three years ago, dating sites were the only viable choice for me.  Give it a go, you have nothing to lose!

[Miss Peach]

I have found them great to meet people but you have to sift through a lot on there. There are good people on there and there are people with lots of issues. I tend to have better luck for relationships with people I meet organically.

 

You don't say whether you are male or female but I've heard from male friends OLD tends to be more difficult until the senior years. It's easier to get more messages as an attractive woman but there often isn't much quality there; it's all quantity.

[d0nnivain]

Dating sites are one tool to meet new people. They do open up the world somewhat to people you might not otherwise encounter in your life.  

Solely relying on them is a bad plan. 

It will help if you have more flexibility in your schedule.  If you only have free time late in the evenings or on odd weekends, exactly when you do you think you meet the people you connect with on these sites?  

Your concern about having no one to hang out with where you could potentially meet somebody at an event needs to change.  You have to be able to attend things on your own. When lockdown ends, try going to singles events alone.  It takes a bit of courage but many people come to those events alone.  Also join groups where you can meet others.   Do look around a industry events, not in your company, but near.  Also try alumni events for your college some of which may be virtual now. 

[CharlieWex]

I think you should try it, there's nothing wrong with it. I personally met my current girlfriend that way. We've been together for two years now. I divorced my wife for her, believe me. 

[Starrs]

not really... most men on there don’t want anything serious. they’re act like they do to get sex. that’s why i‘m no longer on apps.

[glows]

Not really my cup of tea. 

Edited April 8, 2021 by glows

[central]

They've always worked well for me; lots of dates, a bunch of relationships, and a wife.

[Angelle]

I gave up, because I don't look good in most of my photographs (at least, I don't think so), and I also was just in a bad place emotionally. I think it works best if you look good, and/or feel comfortable talking to strangers. I am too awkward, a lot of the time, unless I don't care about a response. 

[dramafreezone]

On 3/2/2021 at 1:23 AM, Leth43 said:

I’m 25, I have recently come out of a nearly 8 year relationship with my college sweetheart and now looking at the dating scene again in about 10 years since I last tried (15, I was in highschool then!).

The main reasons I have chosen online dating:

I have not long been in full time employment after University.

I don’t consider clubbing a fun time.

I have no close-ish female friends I know that are still single or that won’t jeopardize my friendship with closest friends.

I can only spend free time late in the evenings or on odd weekends.

I have noone to hang out with on a daily basis where I could potentially talk to someone at an event.

Approaching a girl in the gym at 6.30am would be a negative experience for her which, more often than not is an instant “no” from her.

I am no longer in education (High School, College or University) so the ability to know or randomly meet girls hanging nearby is drastically less, a lot of them will be at home at my age.

My last resort at this point of my life is online dating. I am more old fashioned and would rather meet someone in person for coffee instead of spilling my personal life out online to strangers, so I’m using online apps to start a conversation. Then I see where it goes from there.

Only been using it about 2 months now, some curious emails but nothing has happened yet. Early days still.

It's like anything else, you have to market yourself well.

OLD tends to cater to the best looking, so if you don't have good looks that's already one strike against you.

Next thing to do would be to convey status.  Photos with a lot of friends (with them blurred out) would help.  Women in general feel more comfortable dating a guy with a lot of friends.  It goes to pre-selection; these people want to hang around him so he's probably not a creep.

If you don't look good and you don't have a lot of friends you're really fighting an uphill battle on OLD.  I would then demonstrate a life of abundance, a lot of hobbies, traveling to different countries/vacation destinations.  Present a life that she could see herself being a part of.  A life of a lot of hobbies and travel also implies that you're well off financially, but your financial status is not something you ever want to lead with IMO.  There's no upside.

That's all I got.  If you can't do any of the above you'll have next to no shot of success with OLD.    Maybe just focus on yourself right now, you're still really young and can build quite a life for yourself if you just practice some delayed gratification.

Edited April 9, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, central said:

They've always worked well for me; lots of dates, a bunch of relationships, and a wife.

This was my experience as well. Can’t expect it to be like dating in real life though. It’s a different beast, but can still yield excellent results.

[Wiseman2]

You can always have it in your dating portfolio in addition to real life situations.

Can't hurt. 

[Gaeta]

On 4/8/2021 at 9:48 PM, dramafreezone said:

Next thing to do would be to convey status.  Photos with a lot of friends (with them blurred out) would help.  Women in general feel more comfortable dating a guy with a lot of friends.  It goes to pre-selection; these people want to hang around him so he's probably not a creep.

I would then demonstrate a life of abundance, a lot of hobbies, traveling to different countries/vacation destinations.  Present a life that she could see herself being a part of.  A life of a lot of hobbies and travel also implies that you're well off financially, but your financial status is not something you ever want to lead with IMO.  There's no upside.

That's interesting because I'm a woman and I think the contrary.

If I see a man with many friends in his pictures, him with his soccer team, him with his poker buddies, his 30 trips around the world, then it just sends me the message he has no time to date. It also sends me the message that I will not be able to keep up with him financially because I'm not shedding 4-5K per year on trips and my job (executive) does not allow me to take time off 3 times a year to travel.  I stay away from those profiles.

 

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

That's interesting because I'm a woman and I think the contrary.

If I see a man with many friends in his pictures, him with his soccer team, him with his poker buddies, his 30 trips around the world, then it just sends me the message he has no time to date. It also sends me the message that I will not be able to keep up with him financially because I'm not shedding 4-5K per year on trips and my job (executive) does not allow me to take time off 3 times a year to travel.  I stay away from those profiles.

 

I think a lot of people don't see friends as an either/or type of deal, as either the friends or dating.  Naturally when you date someoe and things progress he'll tend to make more time for the GF and less for his friends.

I would say the majority of women on OLD have pics with friends.  If guys had the mindset you had there wouldn't be any practical reason to do OLD.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

 If guys had the mindset you had there wouldn't be any practical reason to do OLD.

I don't understand what you mean.

The practical reason to be OLD is to meet a romantic partner. 

[Weezy1973]

On 4/8/2021 at 6:48 PM, dramafreezone said:

If you don't look good and you don't have a lot of friends you're really fighting an uphill battle on OLD. 

I didn’t find this to be true. I’m pretty average looking, and while I had a lot of friends in my 20s, as I got older this dwindled to a few close friends. Most of my OLD was in my 30s and I didn’t have any pics with friends in it. That being said, my pics were of me doing things. Traveling, at the beach, hiking etc. I was actually doing stuff. If your life involves work and video games and nothing else, that’s gonna be a bit of a struggle.