Is this 'OW' behavior?

[Starswillshine]

5 minutes ago, Pearly said:

I am so sorry you dealt with this. I don’t understand what these women are thinking! Did you ever talk to her? She really is mentally ill since all that time has passed and she can’t let it go. I don’t understand what these women are thinking! Did you ever talk to her? She really is mentally ill since all that time has passed and she can’t let it go

I did speak to her early on. But then asked for her to allow me to move on and passed it. 

My ex had a hand in it all, though. He lied and manipulated her. And he still, to this days, uses me as an excuse as to why they cannot be together. It is hilarious that I didnt have that power while we were married but I guess it is to believed that I have that power now. So her obsession with me continues. 

[Pearly]

4 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I did speak to her early on. But then asked for her to allow me to move on and passed it. 

My ex had a hand in it all, though. He lied and manipulated her. And he still, to this days, uses me as an excuse as to why they cannot be together. It is hilarious that I didnt have that power while we were married but I guess it is to believed that I have that power now. So her obsession with me continues. 

Wow!

it gets so tangled and scary

these husbands don’t get that the mistress turns on the wives

Affairs are dangerous 

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, Pearly said:

Wow!

it gets so tangled and scary

these husbands don’t get that the mistress turns on the wives

Affairs are dangerous 

For sure. I think a lot of people just don't think. I believe my ex husband thought he had it all under control. He was cocky enough to believe he would never get caught and if he did, he was smart enough to wiggle his way out of it. He thought I would just buy his story and his OW would just cease to exist. But neither of us let anything go. And in some ways, we combined minds and stories to make sense of it all... but as I moved on and divorced, she couldn't let go. I think it became a competition. One I didnt realize I was in nor did I realize I was still supposed to compete after I ditched the man. I think she got caught up in that sort of competiton/triangle thing that when I pulled myself out, it was no longer fun. So she had to create the drama. 

And really she said herself that when things are going good for her, she feels she has to mess it up so she can feel something. Anyway, mental issues. 

I guess for my ex.... if you play around enough, you are bound to find a crazy one.... 

[Pearly]

5 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

For sure. I think a lot of people just don't think. I believe my ex husband thought he had it all under control. He was cocky enough to believe he would never get caught and if he did, he was smart enough to wiggle his way out of it. He thought I would just buy his story and his OW would just cease to exist. But neither of us let anything go. And in some ways, we combined minds and stories to make sense of it all... but as I moved on and divorced, she couldn't let go. I think it became a competition. One I didnt realize I was in nor did I realize I was still supposed to compete after I ditched the man. I think she got caught up in that sort of competiton/triangle thing that when I pulled myself out, it was no longer fun. So she had to create the drama. 

And really she said herself that when things are going good for her, she feels she has to mess it up so she can feel something. Anyway, mental issues. 

I guess for my ex.... if you play around enough, you are bound to find a crazy one.... 

exactly- and I think my friend is creating drama. I think my friend needs to “feel something “

wow!

I think it is addictive and the thrill of the chase and when it’s over it must be a loss for the mistress because it’s all they knew when dealing with your husband.I think they have false ideas of reality and that they were always in the honeymoon phase 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, Pearly said:

it’s 2 opposite reactions - that’s what I can’t get past but I will

If you are able to take yourself out of the emotions and look at this objectively (easier said than done but I hope you'll try), you will get some valuable perspective.

I believe his reaction is avoidance. Seems he'd like to sweep the nuisances under the rug and move past all as quickly as possible. She, on the other hand, seems to be enraged. Might be prudent to ask yourself what has triggered her rage. You seem to be the unlucky recipient of it. Perhaps her rage is really based on something your husband said or did (or didn't do) to her, but she is taking it out on you. Meanwhile, maybe your husband is hiding whatever that is in fear that you will learn about his improper behavior if it's discovered.

Here is a psychological tactic to consider to help you manage this mess: enforce opposites!

He wants to rush and move quickly past this--could be hiding things so hopes to get you to quickly move on with him and not drill into the details with him. Do not move at his speed. Move at your speed. If you aren't comfortable, press on until you are. Do not let him rug sweep or deny you the information you are after. Stay on top of it until you are satisfied. He is your husband so he should give you what you need to shore up your marriage.

With her, she wants slow speed. She wants to drag out her torture of you for as long as possible. The longer and more difficult for you, the better for her. The opposite here is to cut her off in every way. Ignore. Minimize. When you give her nothing to strike against, she will find everyone has moved on to their own lives without concern for her drama. That is how you take away her stage, her power, and her voice in this. So long as you engage in the tug of war, you fuel the drama and those (eg family, coworkers) observing have a drama to watch. When she becomes the only one spinning her tales but you demonstrate to everyone it's of little significance to you, they will follow your lead and treat it with little significance also. 

Try these and see how they work for you. Hope it helps!

[MsJayne]

After reading all of these accounts of harassment and stalking all I can think of is 'Play Misty For Me' - the scene at the end where Clint Eastwood punches Jessica Walter so hard she goes off the balcony and down on to the rocks below. 

[basil67]

On 3/3/2021 at 3:22 AM, Pearly said:

My gut reaction is she is scared of what I may or may not know so she is silencing me. She is proclaiming her innocence to the world and showing the world I am insane:  she had to warn my work, file police reports, tried to get a restraining order....

What I'm going to say isn't directed at you, but is more of a general comment.  And some Devil's advocacy.

If my friend came to me and with accusations/questions of me sleeping with her husband and I hadn't done it, I would not show that person messages on my phones.  Why?  Because I know that I've done nothing wrong and if I need to defend myself against false accusations, the friendship is clearly not worth saving.  

I can't imagine disparaging the MWd to others UNLESS she had come at me shouting and insulting, in which case I think it can be justified.  

In short, I think this behaviour could go either way.  She could be defensive in her wrong doing or furious at being falsely accused by someone she trusted.   

Edited March 4, 2021 by basil67

[mark clemson]

Unfortunately there are certain people in the world who, when a relationship ends, somehow throw reason and civility (and sometimes the limits of legality) out the window during a breakup. They have been "injured" and feel it's ok to "strike back". So you have e.g. the crazy X's who stalk, verbally harass, slash tires, etc. The former love interest is now the enemy at least until they take them back (which of course won't happen after the crazy shows through).

I think these OWs/OMs who do this are in much the same vein except they have fixated on the BS for this instead of the former love interest for some reason.

I'd love to be of more help, but honestly I'm not much up on the psychology of these people. It MAY have to do with something known as "disorganized attachment" but I'm actually not certain of that.

At any rate, certainly sorry to hear this is happening to you. Hope you are able to document her behavior and get a restraining order or similar soon.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. None of this would be happening if your husband had not cheated. 

Have you filed for divorce?

[Pearly]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

What I'm going to say isn't directed at you, but is more of a general comment.  And some Devil's advocacy.

If my friend came to me and with accusations/questions of me sleeping with her husband and I hadn't done it, I would not show that person messages on my phones.  Why?  Because I know that I've done nothing wrong and if I need to defend myself against false accusations, the friendship is clearly not worth saving.  

I can't imagine disparaging the MWd to others UNLESS she had come at me shouting and insulting, in which case I think it can be justified.  

In short, I think this behaviour could go either way.  She could be defensive in her wrong doing or furious at being falsely accused by someone she trusted.   

No ... that’s not what happened.

she hit on him repeatedly years ago and I called her out on it and she apologized 

THIS time I saw letters and texts and records of her calling him when I was at work  - I just asked her what was going on. 
 

I NEVER accused her. I am 99.9% sure it wasn’t sex.

But she tainted our marriage either way:

1. Not explaining

2. escalating to lies to attempt to get me fired and arrested????

not cool

I would want to protect my reputation. I would never want my friend to think any less of me let alone try to get her fired And arrested.

 

***** I don’t think you would harm your friend’s marriage if there were no ill intentions and you can prove it. YES, if it was innocent and I was wrongly accused,  I would:

1. Prove it

2. end the friendship with my insecure friend

 

i would NOt;

1. Hide 

2. attempt to destroy her life 

 

Edited March 4, 2021 by Pearly

[Pearly]

48 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. None of this would be happening if your husband had not cheated. 

Have you filed for divorce?

Thank you but I am not sure if he did. I have evidence of her calling and texting him when I was at work. She wouldn’t explain why she was calling or texting him and he said it was over neutral friendly stuff. It’s just weird how her reaction:  I have evidence I am asking you to explain and instead of being a woman and a friend and explain it, you try to get me fired and arrested. It’s just a really weird reaction which makes me suspect something was going on either between them or she tried to get something started

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you can't divorce her, but luckily you can divorce your lying cheating husband.

If not for his selfishness and cheating, you would not be suffering.

Even if he gets rid of this particular Fatal Attraction case, when the dust settles he'll betray you again and again because you're sticking around condoning it.😟

 

[Pearly]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you can't divorce her, but luckily you can divorce your lying cheating husband.

If not for his selfishness and cheating, you would not be suffering.

Even if he gets rid of this particular Fatal Attraction case, when the dust settles he'll betray you again and again because you're sticking around condoning it.😟

 

Believe me - I am REALLY mad at him as he should have nipped it so in my eyes, he enjoyed the attention whether the texts were innocent or sexual. He is wrong either way as it was a SECRET that he went out of his way to KEEP it a secret 

I feel punished by HIM 

and I feel punished by HER for trying to get me fired and arrested 

bizarre

[Pearly]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

What I'm going to say isn't directed at you, but is more of a general comment.  And some Devil's advocacy.

If my friend came to me and with accusations/questions of me sleeping with her husband and I hadn't done it, I would not show that person messages on my phones.  Why?  Because I know that I've done nothing wrong and if I need to defend myself against false accusations, the friendship is clearly not worth saving.  

I can't imagine disparaging the MWd to others UNLESS she had come at me shouting and insulting, in which case I think it can be justified.  

In short, I think this behaviour could go either way.  She could be defensive in her wrong doing or furious at being falsely accused by someone she trusted.   

Me again.

I know you are saying hypothetically, but a marriage is a BIG deal.

If MY friend had tangible evidence that implicated me BUT I was innocent, I think it would be EXTREMELY selfish and self-centered to watch my friend crumble and her marriage to potentionally end in divorce over a misunderstanding. That is BEYOND cruel and selfish.

What if I divorced my H and then I find out the texts between them were about her trying to get a male's perspective about a, b, c. She not only sat there and watched a marriage end but I also ended up fired and in jail due to her LIES!

If that is a definition of "friend" then who needs enemies.

Edited March 4, 2021 by Pearly

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Pearly said:

I feel punished by HER for trying to get me fired and arrested 

If not for him, this would not have happened. Have you spoken to an attorney about your options in divorce?

[Pearly]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If not for him, this would not have happened. Have you spoken to an attorney about your options in divorce?

We are not divorcing over this. I am sure that was her goal

i think she is a jealous clown who wants me to wonder what was said 

to get the police, court, my career involved shows me she is mentally ill and I am glad my H sees her true colors 

if he has a sneaky friendship AGAIN- he’s out the door. He knows this

 

[Pearly]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If not for him, this would not have happened. Have you spoken to an attorney about your options in divorce?

I also think the mistress holds blame as well

marriage is a legal contract and a lifelong  union. She’s married, too

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Pearly said:

marriage is a legal contract and a lifelong  union. 

So is a prison sentence. You're determined to win this catfight with her to hang onto a cheater, ok.

[Pearly]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So is a prison sentence. You're determined to win this catfight with her to hang onto a cheater, ok.

Lol thank you!! I am not in a "catfight" ~ she's a nut cake. I've ignored her.

he is in my bed.

He chose me if he even cheated at all

regardless - I win

Not every infraction warrants a divorce

I am glad he saw she is an idiot and what secrecy can do to a marriage

Edited March 4, 2021 by Pearly

[Pearly]

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So is a prison sentence. You're determined to win this catfight with her to hang onto a cheater, ok.

Just because she wants him doesn’t mean I roll over and die and she takes him. We’ve been married 30 years! 

she has proven to be crazy

[Prudence V]

You may be interested in threads by @peachpie / matildag and @sheep123, which have loads in common with yours (particularly those of @peachpie). Some of the feedback people gave on those threads might be useful to you, given how similar the situations are. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, Pearly said:

Lol thank you!! I am not in a "catfight" ~ she's a nut cake. I've ignored her.

he is in my bed.

He chose me if he even cheated at all

regardless - I win

Not every infraction warrants a divorce

I am glad he saw she is an idiot and what secrecy can do to a marriage

I believe what @Wiseman2 is trying to convey is to not let your husband off too easily as your husband was the impetus for this disaster for which you are taking the fall. 

Assume nothing and verify your husband's words and actions during this time. Do not be hoodwinked. 

[Pearly]

1 hour ago, Prudence V said:

You may be interested in threads by @peachpie / matildag and @sheep123, which have loads in common with yours (particularly those of @peachpie). Some of the feedback people gave on those threads might be useful to you, given how similar the situations are. 

I will - thx

[Pearly]

2 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I believe what @Wiseman2 is trying to convey is to not let your husband off too easily as your husband was the impetus for this disaster for which you are taking the fall. 

Assume nothing and verify your husband's words and actions during this time. Do not be hoodwinked. 

I will. Im so mad at hm. Thx

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Just now, Pearly said:

I will. Im so mad at hm. Thx

"Don't get mad. Get even!" No, no. Just kidding!

Watch him like a hawk though.