Is this 'OW' behavior?

[Pearly]

I am being harassed by my H mistress who was my friend for many years 

my h insists they we’re JUST friends- but every thing was a secret which makes it suspicious 

i told her I knew something was going on as I had lots of evidence and if she could explain her side as my h told me only bits and pieces - she turned fatal attraction on me

i thought she was going to apologize, ease my mind, and show me the texts because we were friends for years but she became enraged 

she told the whole village I accused her of an affair with my h! I didn’t accuse her but now she is tainting my family! I am humiliated as are my kids. She is telling EVERYONE 

she randomly called the police on me and told them I stole her property! Total lie! She told them I am angry about an alleged affair. She called them AGAIN and said I am threatening to kill her via text and phone calls. I am not - my h and I blocked her and we haven’t spoken to her

she called my boss and told them I accused her of an affair and I was now a psycho stalker and she feared for her life - thank God they sided with me!

she tried to file a restraining order against me but it was thrown out as they saw through her lies . 

I got a lawyer involved. I am scared of her

my theory is it WAS an affair and she is protesting too much. A friend and an innocent person would act the opposite way

I am ready to divorce my h

do OW ever flip it so it is the WIFE that is insane?

I can’t tell if she is just nuts or overcompensating for trying to prove she is a victim 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Starswillshine]

Something is definitely fishy with this. She sounds a little psychotic. If she was your friend and was so outraged, the normal thing to do would just cut all ties. Seems a bit excessive to go through the troubles she is going through. 

[FMW]

This sounds like a mental health issue, whether or not there was an affair or not.  If every OW acted like this not a lot of men would find it worth the trouble, so no, I don't think this is typical OW behavior.    

[Pearly]

Thank you. My gut reaction is she is scared of what I may or may not know so she is silencing me. She is proclaiming her innocence to the world and showing the world I am insane:  she had to warn my work, file police reports, tried to get a restraining order....

my other thought is my h dumped her and now she is punishing us?

[Pearly]

We were friends for years!

I didn’t DREAM this in a million years!

I thought there was a rational reason for all of the evidence 

 

[sandylee1]

Not typical OW behaviour at all. If you have lots of evidence, then surely you don't need her side to confirm there was an affair...?

[HiCrunchy]

Girl get urself that restraining order. 

[Pearly]

57 minutes ago, sandylee1 said:

Not typical OW behaviour at all. If you have lots of evidence, then surely you don't need her side to confirm there was an affair...?

Agreed but my H is so convincing that it MIGHT/COULD be innocent. And she was my friend. Family members that know all of us say it was probably innocent.

 I was HOPING to GOD she would have confirmed what HE said and say, "I can understand what it looks like but please read the texts at least."

I can't wrap my head around her holding a phone full of texts (that are supposedly innocent banter) and she is choosing to torture and torment me, put strain on my marriage, and escalate it to nearly getting me arrested and fired!!! Just for asking, "I know about x, y, and z. . . My H said . . .  Can you just please explain?"

She is like the town crier screaming "affair" with my H name! It is SOOO strange. It's damaging our reputation as a loving family. It's hurtful and embarrassing. 

I can't imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. I would NEVER want ANYONE to suspect I cheated on MY H let alone with my friend's H. I'd want to protect my reputation AND save her marriage.

I feel like:

1. There are no innocent texts therefore she is pretending she is so hurt and offended by my asking. 

2. She's pissed it's over and they were caught. She is punishing me and him.

3. She is scared I will speak up and tell our friends or her H because it does look pretty bad.

4. She is beating me to the punch, overcompensating, and telling the town that I went cuckoo and she is a victim.

5. She is trying, to scare and silence me.

Urgh. Thank you.

Edited March 3, 2021 by Pearly

[Pearly]

48 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

Girl get urself that restraining order. 

Yes, it's in the works. It's a legal thing. Hers fell through and my lawyer said to hold mine because it looks retaliatory, but we have all her psycho-ness documented.

It is so odd. She's my friend. . . What the heck happened?

[Pearly]

I confronted the AP (who was my friend), and she has made my life a living he**.

I am talking false police reports, calling my employer, filing a restraining order (which was thrown out due to her obvious lies)

Did this ever happen to you? Instead of the mistress quietly exiting the scene when confronted, she overcompensated to prove her "innocence" to save her own marriage?

 

 

 

[Starswillshine]

My situation was different in that I didn't know the AP; she lived in a different city, a plane ride away. However, yes, she did terrorize me. Still to this day, I get random phone calls in the middle of the night from her (with a different number because I have blocked her real phone number, but apps make it easy these days to fake a phone number to call from). I always answer because it is startling to get a phone call at 3am... when you have children who away at college. 

I have had to warn the police about her since she was threatening to come to my city. She wanted to have a "talk." When everything first came out, I was open to hearing what she had to say, but years later, as I have moved on with my life and in love with an amazing man who is not my ex-husband... and many years post divorce, there is zero cause for her to contact me, yet she does. I have gotten a lot of random texts as well, "Did you know when xyz happened, what really happened is abc." Or I'll get pictures of photos she took on their vacation together. Years later. She's a little bunny boiler type... and psycho. 

[pepperbird2]

I wouldn't say she "terrorized" me per se, but it took a long time, and by that I mean years, to get over an affair that had been maybe three weeks long. Calls, messages, stalking, harassment etc. were all part of her behaviour towards me.

My best advice to you is to keep a record of any and all harassment by her. That will establish a pattern of behaviour. I would then take that to a lawyer or other legal professional and seek their advice. You do not have to put up with her nonsense. If she's hurt, angry whatever, she needs to rock that baby herself. She's where she is because of choices she made. She's got no business taking her pain and anger out on you.

If all else fails, I would press whatever criminal charges on her that I could. That may sound extreme, but sometimes,  it's the only way to get rid of this sort of obsessive pest.
 

[pepperbird2]

13 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

My situation was different in that I didn't know the AP; she lived in a different city, a plane ride away. However, yes, she did terrorize me. Still to this day, I get random phone calls in the middle of the night from her (with a different number because I have blocked her real phone number, but apps make it easy these days to fake a phone number to call from). I always answer because it is startling to get a phone call at 3am... when you have children who away at college. 

I have had to warn the police about her since she was threatening to come to my city. She wanted to have a "talk." When everything first came out, I was open to hearing what she had to say, but years later, as I have moved on with my life and in love with an amazing man who is not my ex-husband... and many years post divorce, there is zero cause for her to contact me, yet she does. I have gotten a lot of random texts as well, "Did you know when xyz happened, what really happened is abc." Or I'll get pictures of photos she took on their vacation together. Years later. She's a little bunny boiler type... and psycho. 

The OW in my situation was the same sort of personality type. She even went as far as telling me she was going to hurt herself and it would be my fault and trying to convince my husband, who was deployed at the time, that I was cheating on him. The stalking and other harassment of me and my kids went on for a long time.
Last I heard, she was married with a couple of kids herself and her husband was cheating on her. I've been told I should see that as some sort of karmic justice, but I don't . I know how much it hurts, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

What is your husband doing to make this easier for you? It was his interactions (affair or whatever) that got you here. What is he saying about her?

Also, why are you ready to divorce him? 

[Starswillshine]

47 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

The OW in my situation was the same sort of personality type. She even went as far as telling me she was going to hurt herself and it would be my fault and trying to convince my husband, who was deployed at the time, that I was cheating on him. The stalking and other harassment of me and my kids went on for a long time.
Last I heard, she was married with a couple of kids herself and her husband was cheating on her. I've been told I should see that as some sort of karmic justice, but I don't . I know how much it hurts, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. These psycho types are all the same. My xWH's OW tried the "I'm in the hospital from slitting my wrists" thing, too. She also sent me a text one night saying that she was going to kill herself since that is the only way I would be happy. 

You are a good person, pepperbird, to feel that way towards her. I can relate. I hope the OW moves on with her life and has a productive relationship. I dont wish her ill will. I feel sorry for her that she fell so deeply for a mirage. 

[pepperbird2]

8 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. These psycho types are all the same. My xWH's OW tried the "I'm in the hospital from slitting my wrists" thing, too. She also sent me a text one night saying that she was going to kill herself since that is the only way I would be happy. 

You are a good person, pepperbird, to feel that way towards her. I can relate. I hope the OW moves on with her life and has a productive relationship. I dont wish her ill will. I feel sorry for her that she fell so deeply for a mirage. 

I'd like to claim that me feeling the way I do is because I'm a good person. Part of it is that I don't like knowing someone else is hurting, and a big part is that I don't want to give her anymore of my time and mental energy than she's already taken. 

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. There's no reason you should have to put up with it. Like I said above, document everything she had done to you, and keep doing so. Log every call, every message, every attempt to harass you. Keep copies of anything that she sends you or sends to someone else that has to do with you. Talk to a lawyer ( many give free initial consultations) and follow their advice. It may be necessary for you to ask for criminal charges to be pressed against her-hopefully, it won;t come to that, but don't be afraod to use the law to help you if you need it.

One thing I was advised to do was to send a firm and no nonsense letter to her through registered mail. It clearly stated that I wished to have no further contact of any kind with her, and that if she chose to continue her course of action, I would go to the police. Luckily for me, my husband got posted to a new base and we moved to a new city that was about eight hours away from where she lived. That cut off her ability to physically stalk and harass me.

[Pearly]

Thank you. I am just upset.

I want to believe it was innocent although it was SO sneaky, but her behavior to me is “protesting too much.”

I think she is throwing me under the bus to save her marriage and reputation 

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Don't you think that feeling a need to get the whole story from her says a lot about the way your husband is handling this? You are justified in your feelings but the answers should be coming from him. If they are not, then I feel he needs to step up his efforts. What about his efforts to support you and your marriage? 

As hard as it is to do, forget and ignore the OW. You are feeding the monster and playing right into her hand. Focus on you, your husband, your family. She only has the power you are giving her, and you are giving her tons of power. 

Edited March 3, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[Pearly]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Don't you think that feeling a need to get the whole story from her says a lot about the way your husband is handling this? You are justified in your feelings but the answers should be coming from him. If they are not, then I feel he needs to step up his efforts. What about his efforts to support you and your marriage? 

As hard as it is to do, forget and ignore the OW. You are feeding the monster and playing right into her hand. Focus on you, your husband, your family. She only has the power you are giving her, and you are giving her tons of power. 

I know...

he is sticking to that he and she were friends . Even at counseling- that’s what he says. 

I have ignored her but she keeps raring her ugly head

Do you agree her behavior is odd for an innocent woman? My H is not helping me and it is all I have to go on

I HATE not knowing 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Pearly said:

I am talking false police reports, calling my employer, filing a restraining order (which was thrown out due to her obvious lies). Instead of the mistress quietly exiting the scene when confronted, she overcompensated to prove her "innocence" to save her own marriage?

Hopefully your husband steps up and deletes and blocks her and all her people from all his messaging apps and social media as well as filing a restraining order against her. It was his job to end things and it's her job to tell her husband. 

It's your job to talk  to an attorney and discuss your options in divorce and protect your kids.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

8 hours ago, Pearly said:

I know...

he is sticking to that he and she were friends . Even at counseling- that’s what he says. 

I have ignored her but she keeps raring her ugly head

Do you agree her behavior is odd for an innocent woman? My H is not helping me and it is all I have to go on

I HATE not knowing 

 

Likely what you really hate is feeling the lack of control from not knowing. Understandable, but here is a way to fix that and regain a little bit back.

Rather than focusing on her behavior or your husband's, neither of which you can control, focus on what YOU can do about her and what YOU are willing to accept from husband, esp the latter part. For example, you could tell husband what you need to see from him (setting a boundary) such as him taking steps to defend you or demonstrating the truth through evidence of the nature of his relationship with her, and then tell him the consequence if he chooses not to do/follow through on these things (enforcing the boundary). You have to be fully prepared to enforce the consequence. Possibly the consequence could be: if he doesn't do x by certain date you will meet with divorce lawyer. I think it's fair given where things are at now.

Your husband will either tow the line because he wants to keep his marriage together, or he won't which will tell you some valuable information. 

I sense you are not getting enough support and/or respect from your husband in this matter. Forget her, and light the fire under him.

Even IF their relationship was innocent (note the big "if"), she is not innocent because she has declared war on you, your family, and your reputation. It's a psychological war, and right now, she is winning. 

Honestly, you could benefit on this one by reading The Art of War by Sun Tzu. 

Edited March 4, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Added book

[MilaVaneela]

Yes, she did. I filed for divorce and X decided he didn’t want her anymore, so she went off on me. Texts, phone calls, voicemails, from different numbers. Graphic threats about injuries she wanted to inflict on me... culminating in her attacking me in a grocery store and being hauled out in handcuffs. (All of this on top of the chlamydia she passed on to X that he in turn passed on to pregnant me.... nice, hmm?) 

[Pearly]

23 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Likely what you really hate is feeling the lack of control from not knowing. Understandable, but here is a way to fix that and regain a little bit back.

Rather than focusing on her behavior or your husband's, neither of which you can control, focus on what YOU can do about her and what YOU are willing to accept from husband, esp the latter part. For example, you could tell husband what you need to see from him (setting a boundary) such as him taking steps to defend you or demonstrating the truth through evidence of the nature of his relationship with her, and then tell him the consequence if he chooses not to do/follow through on these things (enforcing the boundary). You have to be fully prepared to enforce the consequence. Possibly the consequence could be: if he doesn't do x by certain date you will meet with divorce lawyer. I think it's fair given where things are at now.

Your husband will either tow the line because he wants to keep his marriage together, or he won't which will tell you some valuable information. 

I sense you are not getting enough support and/or respect from your husband in this matter. Forget her, and light the fire under him.

Even IF their relationship was innocent (note the big "if"), she is not innocent because she has declared war on you, your family, and your reputation. It's a psychological war, and right now, she is winning. 

Honestly, you could benefit on this one by reading The Art of War by Sun Tzu. 

Thank you! I will check that book out

 I agree. My h has blocked her when I found out.  It’s over. I have full access to his phone - no secrets. He wants to save this marriage. And proclaims his innocence 

I like what you said about the psychological war. My h says “nothing happened! It was innocent!” But I remind him the war she has waged on us...

she’s innocent of NOTHING 

That’s what I struggle with! Him defending himself by declaring his innocence and her “waging war.”
 

** it’s 2 opposite reactions - that’s what I can’t get past but I will

[Pearly]

2 minutes ago, MilaVaneela said:

Yes, she did. I filed for divorce and X decided he didn’t want her anymore, so she went off on me. Texts, phone calls, voicemails, from different numbers. Graphic threats about injuries she wanted to inflict on me... culminating in her attacking me in a grocery store and being hauled out in handcuffs. (All of this on top of the chlamydia she passed on to X that he in turn passed on to pregnant me.... nice, hmm?) 

Oh wow! Psychotic! I am so sorry.

where do these women get off? Not to mention Marriage is a legal contract ...

gross!

you would think they’d crawl away in shame 

 

[Pearly]

12 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

My situation was different in that I didn't know the AP; she lived in a different city, a plane ride away. However, yes, she did terrorize me. Still to this day, I get random phone calls in the middle of the night from her (with a different number because I have blocked her real phone number, but apps make it easy these days to fake a phone number to call from). I always answer because it is startling to get a phone call at 3am... when you have children who away at college. 

I have had to warn the police about her since she was threatening to come to my city. She wanted to have a "talk." When everything first came out, I was open to hearing what she had to say, but years later, as I have moved on with my life and in love with an amazing man who is not my ex-husband... and many years post divorce, there is zero cause for her to contact me, yet she does. I have gotten a lot of random texts as well, "Did you know when xyz happened, what really happened is abc." Or I'll get pictures of photos she took on their vacation together. Years later. She's a little bunny boiler type... and psycho. 

I am so sorry you dealt with this. I don’t understand what these women are thinking! Did you ever talk to her? She really is mentally ill since all that time has passed and she can’t let it go. I don’t understand what these women are thinking! Did you ever talk to her? She really is mentally ill since all that time has passed and she can’t let it go