Somebody to Love or Somebody You Love?

[pepperbird2]

1 hour ago, bananatree said:

FWIW, years ago when my husband and I were ostensibly married, I used his computer and discovered a google search for his old girlfriend.  She was the "one who got away."  They met on vacation, but she lived far away, so they were never able to make it work and didn't want to try the long-distance thing. I then discovered more searches for her, thousands.  Facebook searches, Twitter searches.  He was apparently cyberstalking her.

It wasn't that he was searching for her that bothered me.  I wouldn't have been mad if he'd friended her on social media or even continued a friendship with her.  But he told me that he didn't believe in being friends with exes.  What bothered me was that he was still clearly in love with her.  He had deep and unresolved feelings for her and just wanted to look at her online from afar.

Oh, I got mad.  How dare he!  He's a married man with children and cyberstalking an ex like a schoolboy.  Grow the F up!

In all actuality, I wasn't even mad. I totally understood why he would still have feelings for an old flame.  And I totally understood how I have no part in that at all.  And I also totally understood that I was simply being butt-hurt.  In truth, it's stupid for anyone to assume total possession and ownership over a person's emotional world. We all have feelings for people.  We all have crushes, friendships and close connections that can sneak up on us (or even ones that don't sneak up on us).  Why do we put some weird constraint on marriage that in order to have an effective partnership with someone, we should be able to "trust" that we, and only we the spouses, have any claim to any part of our spouse's sexuality and emotions?

And then we all rush to our friends and online forums and talk about how much our spouses have betrayed us and they are horrible people for really just being human. I will never, ever in my life be in any relationship again that has constraints that are founded on jealousy and fear.  I have gone through hell and back ( another long story I probably won't post about TBH) to learn that possessiveness and control over one's spouse is not healthy.  Strict monogamy no matter what is not "the way."  

 

 

I have a guy fend who I enjoy talking to. We talk about things my spouse has no interest in. The difference is I don't hide it form him, all while claiming to do so "for his own good". he knows I do it, somestimes he reads the back and forth if I think he might be interested in some of the comments. This guy's wife is also able to read it if she wishes.  We are just friends, nothing more.

Really, what i think this all comes down to is that some of us are cut out to be with one person, while others are not. Romantic feeling for him don't develop because I'm not cut out to be with more than one peorsn. I admire him, I think he's a great guy and I'm happy he has a wife he loves.

It's really too bad that people can't figure out their "relationship preference" before they choose to pair up for the long haul. It might save a lot of heartache.