Should my post-quarantine dating plan work?

[JustGettingBy]

Okay, long time no see everyone. For those who forget my situation: 29 year old male, Asperger's, no real relationship history.

Now that that's over, on to our main point: A long time in quarantine, some therapy, some self-help and some thinking have put me in a better place (at least mentally). I'm thinking now that I have enough saved up for a big down-payment on one of the many condominiums near my work, I can finally move out on my own once the pandemic is over (current restrictions on almost everything make moving almost impossible right now). I've also gained enough seniority at work to be stable and not be at risk of sudden lay-offs, and also have some royalty based side hustles that I enjoy (I'm technically a published author now) and are slowly growing. So being able to be "independent" despite my disability should be solved.

So I was talking to my therapist about my dating issues and she asked me what happens when I ask women out, and I said "Well, all three of them gave a polite rejection," and kind of felt like an idiot afterwards, having seen that the real reason I can't get a gf is I made moves far too rarely. After remembering what people have said at points, I've concluded that at almost constantly from even the tail end of middle school until the end of college, at most points, there was at least one girl/woman at my (then) age that had feelings for me and I was oblivious to every single advance each of them made. So I'm not repulsive, just passive and oblivious. I should just look for signs and be more forthcoming in asking women out.

Despite being sexually inexperienced, I've asked around at other places and gathered some advice, and the best summary of what I received sounds like this: "She won't know if you don't tell her, and if it comes up, be honest but don't be insecure/ashamed. The first time any two people are together, there's going to be awkward moments, so that should make this less of a problem. As long as you act confident, be proactive, listen to what she wants and take any surprises in stride, you should do 'good enough'. "

Overall, due to being repeatedly told by people "You're one of the few people who stayed in shape during Covid", success in therapy and starting up my side-hustles, having kept in touch with all of my friends during lockdown despite hardly being able to see them, and progress I've made towards moving out, I'm actually more confident that I was pre-Covid despite the mental health problems the lockdown has had.

Just wondering if the "plan" (move out close to work in my own condo, make more moves, being confident/not ashamed of any stigmatizing traits) will lead to success in dating. If not, what other advice do you have?

Thanks.

[Lotsgoingon]

Well first point is congratulate yourself on your life during the quarantine, on your initiative, on going to therapy and on creating a solid life yourself. Period. That's all good stuff. Period. 

Yes, it so happens that all that good stuff will improve your chances at dating. BTW: I also can look back and realize I was completely oblivious to various women who liked me. I couldn't see them because I was chasing women who didn't like me! That's an odd and no uncommon pattern.

I would say the best thing you can do is keep building the best life for yourself as a single person. If you want a condo for yourself, go for it.  The condo won't get you partners you want. Living in a condo because you like it and are enjoying your own life ... that's what makes us attractive.

But keep going to therapy. If your social skills are a bit weak, there is nothing better than to have a really good therapist to report to when you're meeting people and interacting with people. I don't have Asperger's but I hit a point in my life where I needed a therapist to really coach me in how to talk to people. You can get better at practice and there are explicit guidelines and scenario practicing you can engage in. 

Also find some activities, if you can, that you like ... and just engage in them. That will allow you to meet people and you can get better at noticing when they might be interested, when someone is taking extra time to talk to you, or talking to you with a certain enthusiasm and energy. Also, you can get better at noticing when you really like the other person based on your interaction with them, not based on seeing them walk down the hall 20 yards away. BTW: people are indeed impressed by work success and by side-hustle success. Shows a lot of initiative and competence and determination. 

Really don't worry about the virginity thing. I know that's easy for others to say. But trust me: any woman who would be a good partner for you wouldn't care one wit about that. Keep this in mind: you won't have to impress the right woman. The right woman will recognize that you may not have dated a lot--and they'll be OK with that. More than OK! The right people you want to date will focus on your strengths and be charmed by them. 

So keep going. You're doing great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you a member by chance of any Asperger's communities. There are great online communities for everything these days---just as LS is a good romance advice community. I'm better that there are some good online Asperger's forums that have some sharp people who can share tips and advice and encouragement for building a better social life, tips for how to meet people, to how to relax and talk to people when you meet them. 

Good luck. Sounds like you're rockin' and rollin'!

Edited March 3, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[JustGettingBy]

On 3/2/2021 at 11:10 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Well first point is congratulate yourself on your life during the quarantine, on your initiative, on going to therapy and on creating a solid life yourself. Period. That's all good stuff. Period. 

Yes, it so happens that all that good stuff will improve your chances at dating. BTW: I also can look back and realize I was completely oblivious to various women who liked me. I couldn't see them because I was chasing women who didn't like me! That's an odd and no uncommon pattern.

I would say the best thing you can do is keep building the best life for yourself as a single person. If you want a condo for yourself, go for it.  The condo won't get you partners you want. Living in a condo because you like it and are enjoying your own life ... that's what makes us attractive.

But keep going to therapy. If your social skills are a bit weak, there is nothing better than to have a really good therapist to report to when you're meeting people and interacting with people. I don't have Asperger's but I hit a point in my life where I needed a therapist to really coach me in how to talk to people. You can get better at practice and there are explicit guidelines and scenario practicing you can engage in. 

Also find some activities, if you can, that you like ... and just engage in them. That will allow you to meet people and you can get better at noticing when they might be interested, when someone is taking extra time to talk to you, or talking to you with a certain enthusiasm and energy. Also, you can get better at noticing when you really like the other person based on your interaction with them, not based on seeing them walk down the hall 20 yards away. BTW: people are indeed impressed by work success and by side-hustle success. Shows a lot of initiative and competence and determination. 

Really don't worry about the virginity thing. I know that's easy for others to say. But trust me: any woman who would be a good partner for you wouldn't care one wit about that. Keep this in mind: you won't have to impress the right woman. The right woman will recognize that you may not have dated a lot--and they'll be OK with that. More than OK! The right people you want to date will focus on your strengths and be charmed by them. 

So keep going. You're doing great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you a member by chance of any Asperger's communities. There are great online communities for everything these days---just as LS is a good romance advice community. I'm better that there are some good online Asperger's forums that have some sharp people who can share tips and advice and encouragement for building a better social life, tips for how to meet people, to how to relax and talk to people when you meet them. 

Good luck. Sounds like you're rockin' and rollin'!

Thanks.

 

The condo thing: I want to be out on my own (move out of parents' place, but don't want a roommate, would rather buy than rent, and houses are super expensive where I live. Solid but affordable condos are common near where I work, so its a good solution.

 

Gonna have to think about activities. Had some social success in co-ed sports, and enjoyed those. Will give those another spin.

 

As for Aspergers communities, I'm a member of Wrongplanet, but seldom go on. Might do so more often though.

[Cookiesandough]

Yay for self improvement. I think your plan is pretty solid. Do you things that are going to make your life better and not just for a woman but for yourself. A woman will become attracted to you in a better place. And yea you gotta put yourself out there. Take some risks and don’t beat yourself up for rejections. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Good luck!

[dramafreezone]

Can't find a flaw in your plan.  Just work on improving yourself.  It's key to work on accepting your insecurities.  That means remembering that some women will just not like you and there's nothing you can do about that, but there are some that will like you exactly the way you are, and those are the women that deserve your time.

[Miss Peach]

Confidence, making a woman feel comfortable, and reading her signals are huge. If you learn to do these things well it should help with getting dates.

 

Also realize there is a lid for every pot. You should NOT be trying to match with someone who doesn't suit you just to get the date/sex/etc. I see a lot of people dating who don't see to know who they are and morph to get people to like them. This is not the way to find a good partner IMO.

[JustGettingBy]

On 3/16/2021 at 7:13 PM, Miss Peach said:

Confidence, making a woman feel comfortable, and reading her signals are huge. If you learn to do these things well it should help with getting dates.

 

Also realize there is a lid for every pot. You should NOT be trying to match with someone who doesn't suit you just to get the date/sex/etc. I see a lot of people dating who don't see to know who they are and morph to get people to like them. This is not the way to find a good partner IMO.

Thanks for the tips.

[Cersei]

Great job on the self improvement you have been doing. I wish you the best of success. 

Definitely do the Coed sports thing if that becomes an option. It's a great way to meet people. 

Stay safe, a fellow Canuck.