Jealousy over his ex. If he's went through it all, should I keep going?

[oldgummybear]

Been dating this guy for a little more than 3 months , and we call each other bf/gf. Guy seems serious, he's been doing little things that I like, like opening car doors for me all the time. We've been spending weekends together ever since we've met. He introduced me to his gym, and now we work out together after work on workdays too. He's willing to help me with my problems (drove me to get my car etc.) and shows willingness to solve problems when I raise them. He's met some of my friends. I've not met his though (almost none are in our city, since he moved here and covid began). 

Here comes the problem part: he's 8 years older than me, divorced(pretty recent) and with a toddler. He was kinda honest about it, we met online and he told me on our second date when I asked about his past. It was almost a ten-year marriage, she cheated and he filed divorce, at least according to him. I went in thinking I would be fine with his situation(naive perhaps, I'm 25, never married), but now I see his ex's facebook posts from before and they haunt me... She used to have a change of profile picture record where the profile picture changed into was a photo of her on their wedding day. that record was deleted couple weeks ago. However, she didn't delete or change to private any of the posts she posted when they were together. So yeah, I still see posts of them running together, remodeling house together, celebrating their child's birth etc. And honestly they bother me, a lot. Rationally, I understand that's his past and I should focus on the future instead. But emotionally, those posts are just really hard to deal with. I haven't talked to him about it, should I mention these feelings? How should I do it? At the same time, I wonder why she's keeping all those posts? If as he said, she cheated and is now with the person she cheated with? Can someone help me unpack her rationale a little?

Overall, I think things are going well if I'm not thinking and questioning his past. I guess I'm just wondering if I should continue, become more serious etc., or quit before I get too emotionally involved (I guess I already am a little bit). If I continue, how do I deal with my own hard feelings about his past?

[FMW]

I wouldn't bring it up to him because he would wonder why you're researching his ex's Facebook posts.  He might be kind of freaked out that you're digging into his past in that way.      

I understand the curiosity, but nothing good can come from looking at things like this.  Now you're stuck with having to deal with your jealousy, in black and white and color.  It's one thing to know your partner has a past, but seeing pictures and posts is a whole other level of having to deal with it.

To be blunt, it's none of your business why his ex does anything, including keeping the posts.  Unless she's inserting herself into your relationship or he's showing signs of being too close or attached to her, leave it alone.  

Only you can decide if you will be able to accept his past and move forward with him.  It's your thing - you haven't mentioned anything that indicates he's giving you any reason to be worried about it.  You're younger than him without the history of a marriage or children, so that makes it more difficult for you to accept his baggage.  You might be better suited to guys your own age right now.  

[Gaeta]

Stop looking. As simple as that but...

In my experience it's always better for younger women to date men their age with similar dating history. It's very common for young women like you to be jealous of the ex-wife. At 20 I was jealous of my SO's ex,  At 50 I didn't give a heck about my SO 2 ex-wives. I think it's unfair to ask yourself to go against your nature and endure this retroactive jealousy. I also think you should find yourself a better suited partner. Going through life riveted with jealousy isn't a way to live.

[smackie9]

What the hell are you doing? Stop digging into his past stalking his ex's social media. If you bring this up, you are going to find yourself out on the curb. You are 25 not 16. Everyone no matter how old is going to have a past. You totally could have prevented this if you didn't sought out the ex online...drop this habit, it's terrible. Gosh this guy sounds really nice...don't blow it!

Edited March 4, 2021 by smackie9

[Cookiesandough]

Now this is what retroactive jealousy is. With all due respect, you need to get a grip, sis. First, stop with the social media stalking. If you’re not mature enough to date a guy with a  ‘baby mama’  then don’t, but she’s really not your business so you shouldn’t be spending your valuable time trying to “unpack her rationale”😳

[Silver_star]

Your feelings are valid, but everyone does have a past. if he is honest and upfront about his past and his current relationship with his ex then you have nothing to worry about. If your gut is telling you something is off and not to trust this guy, trust your gut. It's women's intuition.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/3/2021 at 6:45 PM, oldgummybear said:

BSo yeah, I still see posts of them running together, remodeling house together, celebrating their child's birth etc. And honestly they bother me, a lot.

How are you even seeing this, unless you're the oe who goes looking for them? 

If you mention this to him, it's going to look like you're not suited to dating a man who's been married before. Maybe you're not, and fair enough. You're young and likely haven't yet seen friends get married, split up, move on, and so forth. It's worth considering that you're not compatible with a man like him at this point in your life. 

I think in your previous post you were also worried about why she's still got his last name and you actually called him out on this, correct?

Your gut is trying to tell you that you're not ready for this type of dating yet. 

[elaine567]

On 3/3/2021 at 5:45 PM, oldgummybear said:

he's 8 years older than me, divorced(pretty recent) and with a toddler

You I guess are not cut out for this stuff. 

Single people often get very hung up on this kind of baggage.
He's been married before, that "special" wedding you planned, will be tarnished as he and his family have been there before.
He already has a kid so your first pregnancy is not his first. He has been here done that got the tshirt.
His first born will likely always be extra special to him. 
His ex sorry to say will be around for the next few decades as they will need to co parent.
She will often be his priority, being the mother of his child. 
Being the second wife can be a place where you need to accept being second best... often coming after his ex and especially his kid...
Is this the future you envisioned?
Think very carefully here, before you get too involved.

I see no point in calling him out on any of this stuff.
You have no right to dictate what his ex does or doesn't do.
It is what it is, you either get comfortable with it or you walk.

I note the divorce was pretty recent. Many newly divorced people like to sow some wild oats, so try not to get too involved as he may just see you as a temporary fling or a band aid to cover his wounds, whilst he gets his head back in order.
Once healed he will likely say "Thank you very much but the world is now waiting for me to re-join it..." or words to that effect.