My best friend's boyfriend shows no remorse for cheating throughout their entire relationship

[Honey23]

My best friend got with her boyfriend a few years ago and a few months into their relationship she found messages from women on his phone. She confronted him about it and he basically admitted to sleeping with one of them more than once. We as her friends supported her and gave her advice (I’m sure you can imagine what we said). She chose to forgive him and continue with the relationship. At the end of the day it’s her life and if she chooses to be with him there is nothing we can do about it. 

Fast forward 3 years, she comes across the same phone she found the initial messages on from a few years ago. She sees messages coming through, from a woman, and she looks to see what it says. As you can imagine, the messages were not PG. She confronted him again and she found out that he had been cheating the ENTIRE span of their relationship. He said he had been sleeping with several women on and off over the course of their relationship and he had no plans of stopping. He even said that he was going to bring the girl he was sleeping with to the house and they would have sex in the house. As soon as my best friend told me this I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This is extremely disrespectful. There was never any form of communication between them regarding an open relationship, so I don’t get why he though that would be okay. I feel like she didn’t really understand the severity of the situation as she was kind of nonchalant (mostly due to shock) about the whole thing and it was kind like “HELLO!!” This guy does NOT respect you! He’s basically been taking advantage of you throughout the entire relationship, claiming he loves you but he has been sleeping with other women behind your back, then coming home to sleep with you. After multiple conversations, he said that he is sorry and that he will cut all communication with the women he is sleeping with. However, one of their conversations got a bit heated and he did display an act of violence towards her. I don’t think it’s safe for her to continue with the relationship, but at the end of the day it’s her life. She has basically relocated her life to another part of the country and doesn’t have any family around. She has also started to have quite strong religious/ political views these past 6 months and so has her boyfriend. I don’t really know what is going on in her life as I am not there, but I am starting to get concerned. 
I feel really sad for her and I don’t want her to continue with the relationship. I saw how it affected her before but she claims that she forgives him and truly believes he will change. I’ve told her in the most loving way that this isn’t good for her and she should just leave. She is still young and I don’t want her to regret staying in this, what seems to be, toxic relationship. 

I know this post is really long, but I would really appreciate some constructive advice. 

Thanks in advance 

 

[ShyViolet]

 It's not your life.  There is absolutely nothing you can do about this.  You can't fix other people's problems, especially if you have already talked to her about this and tried to give her advice and she didn't listen.  

[neowulf]

I've been down this road with friends in the past.

It helped to remind myself what a friendship really is.

It isn't my job to save my friends.  It's my job to support them.

If it gets to the point where you can't watch her suffer anymore however, well... you are entitled to your own boundaries as well.

Simply say your piece and move on.

[Gaeta]

I have dropped 2 friends over the years because they wouldn't do anything to better their situation but would complain constantly. It came to a point when I listened to them I would get filled with anger and it interfered with my life at home. Some people need to crash and burn to learn. 

[Watercolors]

I agree with the others. This "friendship" is a test for you. It's a test about boundaries. Yours and hers. 

Both of you need to have healthier boundaries with people. 

I have dumped friends like yours, after feeling taken advantage of by them...for years. Of course, when I ended these toxic one-sided, fair weather friendships (I gave more than they did, so that's why it was one sided each time), at first they raged and accused me of being a terrible friend. Then, after I realized I was friends with narcissistic people, I stopped feeling guilty and felt RELIEVED that they were out of my life FOR GOOD. 

You need to decide 1) why you are friend with this woman (what does she offer you?) and 2) why do you allow her to invade your emotional boundaries with her personal relationship problems with this loser? She is not your job to fix. That's not what friendship is for. Friendship is not about 'fixing' or martyring yourself for the other person to the point where your emotional needs and well being is completely neglected and ignored by them, and as a result, you feel horrible before, during and after your interactions with these types of people. 

She needs to go. You're wasting your time being friends with a woman like her, who clearly has low self esteem to the point she gave up her life to relocate to be with a guy who admitted to her he's a serial cheater and she didn't leave him. All she has to offer you is her pain and misery. I can't see how she could be a quality friend to you. 

[neowulf]

39 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have dropped 2 friends over the years because they wouldn't do anything to better their situation but would complain constantly. It came to a point when I listened to them I would get filled with anger and it interfered with my life at home. Some people need to crash and burn to learn. 

Sadly, I think a lot of people really need professional counselling, but can't / won't access it.
Instead they attempt to turn "friends" into free counselling.  It's unfair, but I understand it.

In the end, we have to be responsible for our own boundaries.  If you aren't happy with the terms of the relationship, address them, or move on.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Honey23 said:

. We as her friends supported her and gave her advice (I’m sure you can imagine what we said). 

It is her life. "Friends" don't gang up on people like this. "Friends" also know how to stay in thier own lanes and don't get bossy.

[smackie9]

I'm like the others, your answer is to dump your friend...throughout your life you walk away from friendships when you become too different, lives have changed or out grow each other. I have done this several times myself. She's moved on to what she thinks is the life she was destined to live. Not your worry, so let her go.

Edited March 4, 2021 by smackie9

[Miss Spider]

Your problem is you want to save them all. But you cannot. Some people are just derailed trains, hopeless when it comes to matters of the heart and there is nothing you can to do to stop them from their own destruction. Moreover, the more you try to the more they will push you away and do the opposite and you will just become the bad guy who sticking your nose where doesn’t belong. I learned the hard way that being a true friend isn’t always saving the person from the inevitable crash. It’s being there when it does crash to help them pick up the pieces.again and again and again 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ExpatInItaly]

You can't do anything here, OP. 

If she wants to stay with this guy, that's her preogative. It's infuriating to watch, of course, but she doesn't need your endorsement to proceed in this relationship. Take your space from her if you find it too much to handle.