My father is controlling me

[sprotz]

I travelled to my father's country for a short holiday. I was supposed to stay only for a few months, then the pandemic struck and I was stuck, unable to return to my country of birth. So I remained stuck for one year, but then flights resumed and I am able to go back, but the problem is, I don't have money for a return ticket, because it is usually my father who gets me a ticket. 

I asked my father to get a my ticket home but he refused, insisting that I should go to a hospital and see a doctor. I already went once and I was found to be mildly autistic, now my father wants me to go again but I refuse, saying that it is not necessary. So he is refusing to get me my ticket out of here. He is getting old and therefore becoming insane. He is saying and doing stupid things with time, and he does not understand that I am an adult and I can not be made to do things against my will. It is my life, it is my health, let me live with the consequences. 

He is quite famous in his country because he is the chancellor of the biggest university in his country, but he is hated because he is aggressive (he has always been) and he talks like a super arrogant buffoon. Some even want him to be sacked. So he annoyed me by arrogantly insisting I go through that stupid experiment of his, thinking I am a child, saying that it is for my own good even if I don't want . You tell me, is that normal ?  If he keeps behaving like this I may decide never to talk to him again.

Now this makes me wish I came with enough money for a return ticket. It is hot and humid here and I am suffocating. I've got a number of options if I do not get my ticket from my father. Option one would be to ask my mother in my home country if she can buy me my ticket home, but I suspect she would not have money for that because of the tough times brought by the pandemic. Another option would be for me to sell some of the items around the house to raise money, and a third option would be to go to the embassy so they could help me. Or I may have to use some barely enough money I've got intended for something else important, but I hope not to use it.  So,,,,,   any more suggestions ?

Edited March 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[FMW]

15 minutes ago, sprotz said:

he does not understand that I am an adult and I can not be made to do things against my will. It is my life, it is my health, let me live with the consequences.

This is very true.  It's also true that you can't expect your father (or anyone) to provide financial assistance for something he doesn't agree with.  Also, as an adult, don't borrow money from your mother if it would be a hardship to her.  Along with making your own decisions comes paying your own way.

Do yo have friends who might lend you the money?  Can you get temporary employment to make enough money for the ticket?  It sounds like you have the money but have plans to spend it on something else "important".  You may have to choose what is more important - that or getting the ticket out.  

[basil67]

It seems you want the best of both worlds:  to be supported like a child but to be able to make independent decisions like an adult.  Life doesn't work like that.  If you want the autonomy of an adult, you need to be responsible for your own costs like an adult.   

Sell your stuff, dip in to your savings or stay where you are until flight restrictions are lifted.  These are the choices an adult has to choose from.

 

[jinx545]

It's maddening to be stuck in the same household as someone who is controlling. It begins to feel like a prison. The obvious course of action is to ask Mom for the ticket, and do what you can to take up the slack, if you have any way of reimbursing her for the expense.

[sprotz]

 

@jinx545   I am not in the same house as him. He lives in a mansion somewhere else with his new family.  The house I am in is my parents' former marital home before divorce. My mom comes over to stay here periodically as well.

[d0nnivain]

17 hours ago, sprotz said:

Option one would be to ask my mother in my home country if she can buy me my ticket home, but I suspect she would not have money for that because of the tough times brought by the pandemic. Another option would be for me to sell some of the items around the house to raise money, and a third option would be to go to the embassy so they could help me. Or I may have to use some barely enough money I've got intended for something else important, but I hope not to use it.  So,,,,,   any more suggestions ?

Your father is not controlling you.  He's simply stopped enabling you.  Your prior post was also you lamenting that your father wouldn't pay for something else you wanted.  This pattern tells me dad wants you to start earning money for yourself.  

As an adult it is your responsibility to pay for things you want.  If you want a ticket home, you have set forth multiple ways that you can come up with the money.  So find a way to earn or raise the money & go where you like.  However, do not sell items in the home without permission.  They are not yours.  The house & its contents belong to your parents. 

I do find it very telling that none of your options include getting a job to support yourself.  

Edited March 4, 2021 by d0nnivain

[sprotz]

@d0nnivain  I'm on holiday,  as a foreigner, how else do you expect me to "earn"!  I'm trapped.  You can't imagine how horrible I feel,  plus I am suffering, and sweating like a silverback Gorilla in this humidity.  Perhaps I may try to ask mom to convince him to stop acting like that and just send me home. It came unexpectedly and I missed the earlier warning signs of his behaviour. Like I said, I will stop relying on him once I get out of this. 

Well, he can't stop me from leaving, but that doesn't mean is is not controlling me when he is insisting I do something and partially preventing me from doing what I want.

 .

[jspice]

1 hour ago, sprotz said:

@d0nnivain  I'm on holiday,  as a foreigner, how else do you expect me to "earn"!  I'm trapped.  You can't imagine how horrible I feel,  plus I am suffering, and sweating like a silverback Gorilla in this humidity.  Perhaps I may try to ask mom to convince him to stop acting like that and just send me home. It came unexpectedly and I missed the earlier warning signs of his behaviour. Like I said, I will stop relying on him once I get out of this. 

Well, he can't stop me from leaving, but that doesn't mean is is not controlling me when he is insisting I do something and partially preventing me from doing what I want.

 .

You’re almost 40. Get a job. 

[sprotz]

Not yet, I need to finish university first.  Or I can choose never to.

Edited March 4, 2021 by sprotz

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, sprotz said:

@d0nnivain  I'm on holiday,  as a foreigner, how else do you expect me to "earn"!  .

There are underground markets everywhere.  You don't need a career.  You need to earn plane fare.  Offer to mow somebody's lawn, sweep their porch, babysit their kids, walk their dog for cash.  Where there's a will, there is a way.   How much is a plane ticket?  Flying is cheap now because of the pandemic.  How hard can it be to raise a few hundred bucks short term? 

You may need to finish university to get a career.  You don't need a degree to get a job.  

You say you have some money earmarked for another purpose.  Use that money to fly home then get a job where you are not a foreigner on holiday.  

Edited March 4, 2021 by d0nnivain

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 How much is a plane ticket?  Flying is cheap now because of the pandemic.  How hard can it be to raise a few hundred bucks short term? 

While I agree that the OP should pay for the ticket themselves, some places (my country included) have seen flight numbers slashed due to limits on incoming passengers and so tickets are costing first class prices. Or more.  

@sprotz how much is the ticket going to cost?

[jspice]

6 hours ago, sprotz said:

Not yet, I need to finish university first.  Or I can choose never to.

Then I guess you’re stuck where you are. 

[Miss Spider]

If you a dependent on others,  they can control you. That’s why parents are always saying “as long as you live under my roof, I make the rules”. Your dad buys the to cket, so he makes the rules.  It’s not always right, but it’s the way it goes. 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[sprotz]

@d0nnivain  You are suggesting to do something illegal ?  Knowing something about psychology,  if you treat someone like an animal, they will behave like a dangerous animal.

Besides, I have friends and relatives here that can do this.

Edited March 5, 2021 by sprotz

[Wiseman2]

Borrow money from other family or friends and pay them back when you get home.

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Borrow money from other family or friends and pay them back when you get home.

If he had the money to pay them back, he could buy the ticket himself.   

[basil67]

6 hours ago, sprotz said:

@d0nnivain  You are suggesting to do something illegal ?  Knowing something about psychology,  if you treat someone like an animal, they will behave like a dangerous animal.

 

Working in a job which pays cash is hardly being treated like an animal.   Unless you view hard work as being treated like an animal?

 

[normal person]

On 3/3/2021 at 2:55 PM, sprotz said:

I asked my father to get a my ticket home but he refused, insisting that I should go to a hospital and see a doctor. I already went once and I was found to be mildly autistic, now my father wants me to go again but I refuse, saying that it is not necessary. So he is refusing to get me my ticket out of here.

So if you can't/won't get a job, and you hate it there, why don't you just swallow your pride and go back to the doctor so your dad will buy you the ticket? How long can a visit to the doctor's be? Probably not more than an hour or two. Meanwhile you're wasting months there. So why not just go and get over with so you can leave? 

You're right, your dad "shouldn't" be controlling you like this, but he can because you don't have any money and won't go get any. So either do what you can to earn some money, or do what he says to get the ticket. If you don't want to be treated like a child, then you need to start acting like an adult. A tenet of adulthood is doing things you don't want to do because you have to. In the future, if you don't want people to have power of you, do what you need to to have your own money so they won't be able to. 

Edited March 5, 2021 by normal person

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, sprotz said:

@d0nnivain  You are suggesting to do something illegal ?  Knowing something about psychology,  if you treat someone like an animal, they will behave like a dangerous animal.

Besides, I have friends and relatives here that can do this.

I am  suggesting you work for cash.  Off the books jobs are a thing.  If you feel that bad about it, apply for a temporary work permit & pay taxes on the money you earn.  

Nobody is treating you like an animal. 

You have friends & relatives who can do what?  If you have all these local people -- hit all of them up for plane fare, $20 here, $50 there some contribution from you & eventually you will raise enough for a plane ticket even if it is the cost of a 1st class ticket.  

I also agree with @normal person  If your dad will give you the money after you go to some doctor, go to the doctor.  Since the 1st doctor claimed you are autistic, have you considered that your father is pushing for you to go to the doctor because he loves you & wants to make sure you have accurate info about your health so that you be best served in life?  

Edited March 5, 2021 by d0nnivain

[ShyViolet]

You are allowing your father to control you.  If you don't want to be in this situation, then take responsibility for yourself, stop depending on your father for money, and get yourself out of there.  Get the money some other way, get that plane ticket, and leave.  Then get a job and earn your own money, and do not rely on your father for money again.

[sprotz]

I don't need no job (or at least don't want), my family owns real estate from which we get little money, and mom is planning to open a coffee business which will hopefully give out enough money for our endeavours. If you want to know the reason of my reluctance, and If I did not mention earlier, I have a lifelong relationship problem which is a long story. 

Edited March 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

7 hours ago, sprotz said:

I don't need no job (or at least don't want), 

Without a job, how do you expect to pay for this plane ticket you want? 

Your family's real estate is not your real estate.  Your mother's future coffee business is also not your coffee business.  As an adult you can't expect mommy & daddy to finance your life forever.  It's time to become self reliant.  

[sprotz]

@d0nnivain   You shouldn't bring that first world mentality to a third world country.  Unlike in first world developed countries, where people are self centered,  In third world countries people are more communal, friendlier, more caring and loving. They socialize with each other far more frequently and have more free time. Extended families, relatives, friends frequently exist and they all help each other. Elders are taken care of by relatives.  Modern middle class families who live in cities do have some first world traits but they are still not that self centered.  Although many fear this kind of communal living might disappear as the third world is also industrializing. 

This dog eat dog society that exists in the developed, capitalist world is not how humans evolved to live. Humans are social beings, they evolved to live like how they did in the stone age, in groups of communities. The able bodied went out hunting and gathering and they bring back and share the spoils among everyone in the community. The young, sick and elderly are cared for by others.

Also, among the real estate we own, one apartment is in my name, secondly, my mom doesn't mind helping me and my brothers out with her upcoming business,  my mom knows me well . My mom knows that I probably can't survive on my own

[d0nnivain]

If you can't survive on your own then your father will always control you. 

As for the 1st world vs the 3rd world you are the one who posted saying he needed money for a plane ticket to get out of the place you claim you don't want to be in. Yet you repeatedly refuse to take any action that would generate money for yourself.  If you own an apartment where you are staying then it would benefit you to do whatever paperwork has to be completed so you can get a job there.  

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, sprotz said:

first world developed countries, where people are self centered. This dog eat dog society that exists in the developed, capitalist world is not how humans evolved to live.

Do you mean collectivist v individualist cultures? 

Edited March 9, 2021 by Wiseman2