Affair Ending

[Sol Flor]

I am the OW who was involved in a 2 year affair with an engaged man. I know how wrong this is/was. I don’t deserve pity but I’m here for some help to get through this. Because despite the wrong of it, it still hurts terribly. 
 

Things had become strained over the past couple of months. I feel that I probably started having expectations mixed with fears of him ending it. Eventually it has happened. And I’m finding myself in a rollercoaster of emotions. It was amicable. He wants to remain friends. And I don’t think that is for anything other than the acknowledgment of how important we are to one another. I want to remain friends, too. Though it probably isn’t the best idea. 
 

I support him leaving it behind. My heart just can’t catch up. 

[BaileyB]

You should not remain friends. How are you going to even begin to move forward if you have a constant reminder that he has married another woman, they have bought a new home together, they have taken a vacation together, or they have had a child. It’s not fair to you, and it’s really not fair to his wife. 

It may not feel this way right now, but what he’s done is the kindest and best thing he can do for you - be grateful that he cares enough about you not to string you along offering false hope and false promises - the “friendship” suggestion excluded.

He’s made his choice. He is engaged, not married. If he really wanted to be with you, he would chose to be with you.

I suggest you go no contact and I suggest that you find yourself some support (ie. a counsellor). Best wishes.

Edited March 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[S2B]

Don’t remain friends. It will never allow YOU to make space for a  real relationship!

if it’s ended - don’t ever contact him again. He wants his ego stroke from you... and high means you have been used. That means you sacrifice all while he gets two doses of the hat he needs.

see a counselor to help you regain some self worth.

[Sol Flor]

I know in my heart you’re right. It’s taking that step. Part of me is thankful that it wasn’t messy. As far as people finding out. Or being left for another side piece or a sudden ghosting. Had it been. It would have been worse than it already is. But it would have pushed me through to where I need to go. 
 

His texting and calling is comforting. But it will prolong my pain and never allow me to let go and move on. 
 

I do need counseling. I do need to understand how I allowed myself to get into this situation. Is it insecurity? Is it a way of me entering a relationship that I knew would be set up to fail or crash down so that I would not be surprised or broken hearted or too vulnerable. News alert! I was all three. With the added bonus that I am not a good person 

[SS2855]

4 hours ago, Sol Flor said:

I know in my heart you’re right. It’s taking that step. Part of me is thankful that it wasn’t messy. As far as people finding out. Or being left for another side piece or a sudden ghosting. Had it been. It would have been worse than it already is. But it would have pushed me through to where I need to go. 
 

His texting and calling is comforting. But it will prolong my pain and never allow me to let go and move on. 
 

I do need counseling. I do need to understand how I allowed myself to get into this situation. Is it insecurity? Is it a way of me entering a relationship that I knew would be set up to fail or crash down so that I would not be surprised or broken hearted or too vulnerable. News alert! I was all three. With the added bonus that I am not a good person 

Don’t be hard on yourself. It’s a very difficult thing to overcome and make peace with. You’re a good person that made a poor decision. I’m in your same camp. It’s hard because I think you, like me, know it feels virtually impossible to go back to just being friends. I’ve been trying to in my own situation and feel like I keep lying to myself that I can do it when I simply cannot as like most ex-OW’s. Keep reminding yourself what you deserve. Trust me I know it’s like at this stage you’d even be happy with a crumb of the crumb... any piece of them feels worth it, but is it really a way to live?  

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Sol Flor said:

 a 2 year affair with an engaged man.

Were you hoping he would pick you instead? It's odd he was "engaged" that long.

You dodged a bullet. Even if he broke up with her and picked you, you would have been with a low quality clown.

Now you're free to find a quality man who is not into cheating.

[Sol Flor]

“I never thought mine was like other affairs”... and isn’t this the same statement we all say? But when I said it, it was in the context that I didn’t think he’d come back. But he did. And I caved. Because he made me feel embarrassed and stupid yet important and wanted. “You knew what this was. I do want to see you but I can’t risk getting caught right now. But I do want you, but the guilt has me in my head”. And so I think. Yes, I knew I was the side piece. And oh he wants to see me. What was I thinking?

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Sol Flor said:

What was I thinking?

I have no idea. But, somebody needs to tell the poor woman he is engaged to marry so that she can call the wedding off and find a man who loves her and is capable of honouring his commitments. This is so ridiculously unfair to her. You at least know that this man is a lying cheat - if you chose that for yourself, then that is your choice. She doesn’t have all the information and that is a real shame...

[Beca L]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

But, somebody needs to tell the poor woman he is engaged to marry

I agree, what a horrible start to married life. Surely anyone about to marry would want to know their partner has been cheating on them for 2 years, then they can decide if they want to go ahead with it. You a truly better off without this terrible person, please kick him to the kerb ASAP. You are worth far much more and you deserve better. Know your worth ! 

[NYAG]

On 3/3/2021 at 8:39 PM, Sol Flor said:

I am the OW who was involved in a 2 year affair with an engaged man. I know how wrong this is/was. I don’t deserve pity but I’m here for some help to get through this. Because despite the wrong of it, it still hurts terribly. 
 

Things had become strained over the past couple of months. I feel that I probably started having expectations mixed with fears of him ending it. Eventually it has happened. And I’m finding myself in a rollercoaster of emotions. It was amicable. He wants to remain friends. And I don’t think that is for anything other than the acknowledgment of how important we are to one another. I want to remain friends, too. Though it probably isn’t the best idea. 
 

I support him leaving it behind. My heart just can’t catch up. 

I agree, never remain friends. It's just a reminder of what could have been, had been and that it didn't work. Fresh starts, always.

[Sol Flor]

I didn’t want to come on to this site and share my story for fear of hearing the truth. Because it’s so much easier to ignore the reality and believe that this is ok. When the real reality is THIS IS NOT OK.  
So I’ve made that realization. Now How will I get to where I need to be? Most will say “end it”, “go NC”.  But why isn’t it that easy? Why am I ok on the side? Why do i accept this behavior? 

[Snakesalive]

9 hours ago, Sol Flor said:

ost will say “end it”, “go NC”.  But why isn’t it that easy? Why am I ok on the side? Why do i accept this behavior? 

Of course NC won’t be easy but it will be worth it. I’d suggest you look for a therapist to work with in finding the answers to these questions so you can move on to find healthy relationships that don’t hurt your soul because believe me if this hasn’t already it will. 

[Starswillshine]

11 hours ago, Sol Flor said:

I didn’t want to come on to this site and share my story for fear of hearing the truth. Because it’s so much easier to ignore the reality and believe that this is ok. When the real reality is THIS IS NOT OK.  
So I’ve made that realization. Now How will I get to where I need to be? Most will say “end it”, “go NC”.  But why isn’t it that easy? Why am I ok on the side? Why do i accept this behavior? 

It is the hardest path in the beginning, but it is the quickest path to healing.