Pangs of Jealousy - How to cope

[HiCrunchy]

Hey guys.

If you look at my post history, I've been trying to find love for a long time. In the last few months, a lot of my friends and close acquaintances (all in their mid-late 20s) have gotten into their first relationships. They have all met these guys on dating apps during this crazy pandemic.

Of course, I have been very supportive and happy for them. But even so, I get pangs of jealously and feel a bit hurt when they share their stories of first loves, first sex, fun dates and being so happy. My heart breaks for myself, because I get flash backs to when I used have those feelings, how that experience was taken away from me, and how even though I'm trying so long to find love I have nothing to show for it. Sometimes I feel like they don't deserve it as much as I do since I've been trying so hard comparatively and that it isn't fair - stupid I know. I'm also the oldest which adds this level of feeling left behind in life.

I have another date with someone I'm lukewarm about at best this weekend, and sigh I guess I'm just tired of the grind.

I guess I'm just looking for support on how to manage these feelings.

 

Edited March 4, 2021 by HiCrunchy

[Weezy1973]

15 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

 

I guess I'm just looking for support on how to manage these feelings.

 

It is a grind, and we naturally tend to do social comparisons which is even tougher in the age of social media. So I get your pain. Realizing you’re in your own journey and that is not related to anybody else’s can help. Also realizing that it is a numbers game, so living in the moment and enjoying each Date for what it is l, rather than only focusing on your ultimate outcome can help.

[HiCrunchy]

The sad thing is these aren't social media post. They are close people in my life so I get updates via text msg or phone calls. I know what they are feeling is real, not just for show. They also didn't go on a ton of dates like I had to. These were guys they video chatted and talked on the phone with. The first guys they met in person became their bfs....

I know my journey is different, but damn. I talk to guys, meet in person dates, and still nothing. I just seemed so much easier for them.

[ZA Dater]

It really is a terrible feeling and maybe like me you also have people who try to be nice and put a nice spin on it but it always seems to be very patronizing. The best suggestion I have is to just take one day at a time and try to not get too consumed by those feelings.

 

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

Hey guys.

If you look at my post history, I've been trying to find love for a long time. In the last few months, a lot of my friends and close acquaintances (all in their mid-late 20s) have gotten into their first relationships. They have all met these guys on dating apps during this crazy pandemic.

Of course, I have been very supportive and happy for them. But even so, I get pangs of jealously and feel a bit hurt when they share their stories of first loves, first sex, fun dates and being so happy. My heart breaks for myself, because I get flash backs to when I used have those feelings, how that experience was taken away from me, and how even though I'm trying so long to find love I have nothing to show for it. Sometimes I feel like they don't deserve it as much as I do since I've been trying so hard comparatively and that it isn't fair - stupid I know. I'm also the oldest which adds this level of feeling left behind in life.

I have another date with someone I'm lukewarm about at best this weekend, and sigh I guess I'm just tired of the grind.

I guess I'm just looking for support on how to manage these feelings.

 

I don't know if it will be particularly helpful, but I thought I'd write about my personal experience of the same. Maybe there's something there you can relate to?

I haven't experienced these feelings often. But when I have had them, my experience has been that my feelings of jealousy and envy are not so much about the other person's achievements but about my profound unhappiness with my own life. When I had a job that I hated and couldn't perform well in, it made me feel like a failure, like I couldn't do anything right. It became difficult seeing my friends doing well in any area of life (work, relationships, having kids) because that was a constant reminder that I had "failed."

How did I change things? Well, I eventually left that job and started pursuing a career in something that I was good at. I also started taking stock of my life and figuring out what truly mattered to me and started living my life according to what I loved and valued. With time, it restored my confidence. I regained the capacity to be happy for my friends.

So I guess for me the ultimate solution was to focus on myself and my life in a different way in order to address the issues that were truly causing me pain and unhappiness. Might that work in your situation? What would it entail?

Edited March 4, 2021 by Acacia98

[Happy Lemming]

Can you ask your friends what they did to secure their boyfriends/happiness??  How are they flirting, messaging, texting, etc.??  Was there something in their profiles that was unique that attracted these guys??

Could you ask your friends to critique your profile/pictures, etc.??  Ask them to be brutally honest, don't sugar coat their responses.

Are you being too picky?? Not every one of your "boxes" has to be checked in order to find happiness.  We all have a set of parameters we would like our date to have, but sometimes we have to be flexible.

[HiCrunchy]

30 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Can you ask your friends what they did to secure their boyfriends/happiness??  How are they flirting, messaging, texting, etc.??  Was there something in their profiles that was unique that attracted these guys??

Could you ask your friends to critique your profile/pictures, etc.??  Ask them to be brutally honest, don't sugar coat their responses.

Are you being too picky?? Not every one of your "boxes" has to be checked in order to find happiness.  We all have a set of parameters we would like our date to have, but sometimes we have to be flexible.

Lmao I helped one of them get their bf. In terms of texting and whatnot and I also help them set up their profiles. I used to help people with resumes too but had the hardest time finding a job 🤣 while many got hired. 

Maybe its my pickiness. But I've been going on dates with guys that don't check most of my boxes and all I've noticed is that I go on many, many bad dates. I'm legit confused as to what my issue is.....maybe I'm cursed sigh...I'm going on a date Saturday, he really likes me it seems. He is putting more effort than most guys, so its a start. 

 

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

I'm going on a date Saturday, he really likes me it seems. He is putting more effort than most guys, so its a start.

Fingers crossed...

Try not to be to critical of this new gentleman... if the conversation stumbles or there is a lull during the date, let him make the attempt to recover.  He may be nervous.  Sometimes first dates are awkward, so if things don't go perfect... allow him a second date to try to do better.

Personally, I tried to take note of what a woman said on our first date, so I could plan the second, third date, etc.  Its OK to drop hints, as well (about things you enjoy doing).

[Happy Lemming]

13 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

...many bad dates.

Can you give some examples??

[HiCrunchy]

32 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Fingers crossed...

Try not to be to critical of this new gentleman... if the conversation stumbles or there is a lull during the date, let him make the attempt to recover.  He may be nervous.  Sometimes first dates are awkward, so if things don't go perfect... allow him a second date to try to do better.

Personally, I tried to take note of what a woman said on our first date, so I could plan the second, third date, etc.  Its OK to drop hints, as well (about things you enjoy doing).

Well this will be our second in-person date, (third if video chatting counts). Yeah, I'm def trying to keep the convo going, tho he is really smart so sometimes I find myself being a bit lost lol.

[HiCrunchy]

45 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Can you give some examples??

Well, I've been on so many dates where people just lie. Lie about their height, eye color, what they do for work, what they are looking for, etc. And some weird situations too. Twice I've been asked if I wanted to be a gf to two guys at the same time. They both wanted to date me? Oh, and the creeps that fetishize my ethnicity for one thing. One guy tricked me into going back to his place by lying (that one pissed me off)....I guess I'm trusting? Idk....

And those are just the ones I remember. I've been on other meh dates but it just fizzled out.

Edited March 4, 2021 by HiCrunchy

[Happy Lemming]

10 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

Well this will be our second in-person date...

Good... just keep an open mind, look past his minor shortcomings and see where things go.

I mean he asked you out on a second date, that is a really good sign (in my opinion).

Anything awkward pop up on the first (in person) date or video chat date??

[Versacehottie]

14 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

Hey guys.

If you look at my post history, I've been trying to find love for a long time. In the last few months, a lot of my friends and close acquaintances (all in their mid-late 20s) have gotten into their first relationships. They have all met these guys on dating apps during this crazy pandemic.

Of course, I have been very supportive and happy for them. But even so, I get pangs of jealously and feel a bit hurt when they share their stories of first loves, first sex, fun dates and being so happy. My heart breaks for myself, because I get flash backs to when I used have those feelings, how that experience was taken away from me, and how even though I'm trying so long to find love I have nothing to show for it. Sometimes I feel like they don't deserve it as much as I do since I've been trying so hard comparatively and that it isn't fair - stupid I know. I'm also the oldest which adds this level of feeling left behind in life.

I have another date with someone I'm lukewarm about at best this weekend, and sigh I guess I'm just tired of the grind.

I guess I'm just looking for support on how to manage these feelings.

 

My advice would be to focus on rather than feeling left out or left behind or lacking in some way.  Is to focus on that them being able to accomplish their romantic goals (which mirror your own) is EVIDENCE that you can too eventually.  And then keep working at it, ie the steps that would get you to that goal.

That said, everyone's journey is different. Accept that yours might be different but not "lesser".  Just different timing.  Actually it might likely be BETTER.  It certainly will be tailored to YOUR life and your road.  If you are getting burned out on dating the way you have been (from the apps), it might be time to take a break so you can bring your best when you are doing it. Don't shut yourself out to other not as conventional (currently) ways to meet guys and start a relationship.  IMO, if all your friends met their guys through apps, chances statistically might be that you would be the part of the group who would meet your guy from real life so don't leave that avenue out of the equation for yourself.

Be happy, be open.  Definitely make or spend time with your single friends as well whose current experience is more matching your own and will be support as you guys are going through the dating stuff together. Also take a lighthearted approach to dates you are have/going to have.  At one or two dates in, it's experience and a funny story at least and potentially could be more.  Date to have fun and the rest will take care of itself.  Take the pressure of it having to be your one great big love of your life off of yourself.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Care about him, not about how the date goes for yourself. Listen to him and key in to what seems to matter to him then talk about that. Try to find out how he feels about things. When you ask a question, really listen. Bottom line, care for him more than you care about the outcome of the date. Prioritize his feelings, even in little things. Defer to him. This is not about sexism, it's a good thing to do with your gf's, too.

People will love you if you "Do unto others as you would have it done unto you."  That doesn't mean that every person you date will fall in love with you. But it's your best chance!

Edited March 4, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Miss Spider]

Aw, hang in there, crunchy. You’ve stated before you’re pickier than a lot of people, but it’s bound to happen for you. I know there’s a guy is out there for you. You’ll find love. ❤️ It’s gonna be awesome 

Edited March 4, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[normal person]

Be happy for your friends if they're happy, but also don't mistake their current "success" for some sort of long term achievement just yet. Anyone can get into a relationship, not everyone has the patience and selectivity to do what's necessary get into a good, worthwhile, fulfilling one. Think about people who are constantly bouncing from person to person, always with problems, always with drama. Is that better than being single? I never thought so, it sounds awful. I also was/am very picky because it's important decision. When I was seriously looking, I probably went out on 100+ first dates over the course of a few years before I met my wife. Also, if you get involved with someone you just tolerate, just "because," you're denying yourself the opportunity to meet someone you really want to be with. Waiting to find the right person has paid way better dividends than settling to fill a void. And as my wife likes to ask friends of hers who are in a similar situation to you, "do you know how many frogs I had to kiss before I found the prince?" So I would say that even though it might be a rockier road, your patience might ultimately pay off. And even then, the guy you want to meet could be the next one you talk to. There isn't any set timeline. 

Edited March 4, 2021 by normal person

[Trail Blazer]

You can manage by distracting yourself with things in your life that give you a great sense of joy and achievement.

A lot of people will say that they've met an amazing person when they were not looking for anyone and their expectations were low.

It happened to me; I was focused on my work and other aspects in my life whilst casually dating/playing the field. 

Next thing, I met the most amazing woman seemingly out of nowhere!  I've never been happier and could not be happier.

I guess you just need to find happiness within yourself and not tie finding someone at all with your self-worth (not saying that you do).

You're clearly not finding it hard to find dates, despite claiming that you're very picky.  I don't know what you're picky about necessarily, but try to hang in there!

When you meet that right person, nothing in the past seems to matter any more.  Just make sure that you're being picky for the right reasons.

OLD can feel like a cesspool of negativity.  However, just know that there are good men out there - good men who are looking for the same thing you are.

Just keep the faith that the right man is around the corner but focus on being the best version of yourself in the meantime.

Try to ward off those jealous feelings because they can bring you down and contribute to you not being able to be the best version of yourself.

 

[Alpacalia]

Once upon a time, I felt that way too, not jealous, just left out. Until a large part of my friend's/family relationship began crumbling. I didn't envy what they were going through in the process.

The lack of a partner does not make you any less valuable as a human.

I think it's all right to feel a little envious from time to time. But, no matter what your desires are, you also want the best for your mates too, right?

[Soul-shards]

Please hang in there and don't cave in to social pressures! I speak as someone who did so at your age - although they weren't just "social" in my case. You have better parameters to work with - appreciate them!  It's important to keep this in perspective at an age where you will see more and more people around you 'finding happiness' ripe to be  displayed on FB! Resist! 

Use this time to get to know yourself really well (take 100 psych tests and see therapists, if you have to). This will give you a really good idea about what kind of man you need, who is likely to sweep off your feet. Once you figure that out, start with a solid plan for joining environments where such men are likely to roam. Narrow down your pool of eligibles, turn this into an art! It can be done.

Don't wait for life to just send the Right One your way. Life is too large these days and people in it are waaay too mixed up. If you're having dates with guys you feel luke-warm about at best, you're not doing  this right. 

[Dis]

I have felt the same way many, many times and am just starting to find my way out of those feelings by being grateful for what I do have and finding happiness in the journey. I stopped rushing towards the destination. I stopping believing the only way I'll be happy is if I get to X spot. 

 

A small thing you can do is when you see something that triggers you, picture you're version of it, when it happens to you. Just because you haven't gotten there yet doesn't mean you won't experience those sweet things at a later date. 

 

Keep your chin up and try to find happiness with what you do have now because it's kind of hard to feel jealous if you're generally content with your life 

 

(((hugs)))

[Miss Spider]

Also something I want to mention. I had a similar  feeling a lot before I had my first great relationship...

Not so much envy,  but just this feeling of like why couldn’t I find someone I really liked? If I could find the perfect guy I would be happy What was wrong with me? Then I met my ex bf that was 2 ex bf’s ago. He was the perfect guy to me and I was completely besotted. He was so good and I felt that and our relationship was idyllic in a lot of ways... Like from the outside it seemed perfect. But for some reason,  I began to lose interest once I realized that I had this perfect relationship. It didn’t make me happy. It was just a goal that I had that I thought could make me happy. Once I accomplished it, I longed to be single again and have my freedom. I did start to wish I was like my single friends. ( but a lot of them didn’t want to be single)  People thought I must’ve been super happy that I had this really successful, loving, handsome boyfriend, & he was, but I actually felt stuck in a reship and fell into a depression. As soon as I broke up, I found myself, and I’ve been pretty happy since. So you don’t get a full pic from the outside either. That’s why I really never feel comparisons of my life to others.

I’m not saying this is you. You might be one of the people that would be very happy in the relationship once you find the right guy and that would be that. I’m just sharing my story because it was something that made me realize more than ever that happiness, when you are looking outward,  is something that the goal posts constantly keep moving for. So you may think you want something, but then you want something else, on and on. And when I was single I looked back on the sweet times and I wanted to feel the kisses and all that again so I figured I could play the dating game and was loving that until I messed around and fell  for someone again... oopsz lol. 
 

Anyway, I don’t regret any of it though. Each relationship I had and each awkward date taught me so much and I know who I am and what I want / need out of life more than ever( that might just have been growing out of my early 20s too) hth

Edited March 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ZA Dater]

Another thing and this is way out there but I find it helps me more than I expected is write down your thoughts on any given day, if nothing else this might clear you mind. While we often say things to other how we feel we never perhaps tell the whole story. This wont help you get a date but it might make the day and the loneliness just a little bit better. 

In my view its a good idea to try and free up ones mind from these sorts of feelings.

[HiCrunchy]

8 hours ago, Soul-shards said:

Please hang in there and don't cave in to social pressures! I speak as someone who did so at your age - although they weren't just "social" in my case. You have better parameters to work with - appreciate them!  It's important to keep this in perspective at an age where you will see more and more people around you 'finding happiness' ripe to be  displayed on FB! Resist! 

Use this time to get to know yourself really well (take 100 psych tests and see therapists, if you have to). This will give you a really good idea about what kind of man you need, who is likely to sweep off your feet. Once you figure that out, start with a solid plan for joining environments where such men are likely to roam. Narrow down your pool of eligibles, turn this into an art! It can be done.

Don't wait for life to just send the Right One your way. Life is too large these days and people in it are waaay too mixed up. If you're having dates with guys you feel luke-warm about at best, you're not doing  this right. 

I've taken a few tests here and there. Are thee any that you recommend?

I've taken the Myers-Briggs and Sokanu (career related).

[HiCrunchy]

22 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Care about him, not about how the date goes for yourself. Listen to him and key in to what seems to matter to him then talk about that. Try to find out how he feels about things. When you ask a question, really listen. Bottom line, care for him more than you care about the outcome of the date. Prioritize his feelings, even in little things. Defer to him. This is not about sexism, it's a good thing to do with your gf's, too.

People will love you if you "Do unto others as you would have it done unto you."  That doesn't mean that every person you date will fall in love with you. But it's your best chance!

Yeah, this has been my goal with texting him the last few days. He recently told me he wants to get to know me better, which I guess is a good sign right?

[HiCrunchy]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Another thing and this is way out there but I find it helps me more than I expected is write down your thoughts on any given day, if nothing else this might clear you mind. While we often say things to other how we feel we never perhaps tell the whole story. This wont help you get a date but it might make the day and the loneliness just a little bit better. 

In my view its a good idea to try and free up ones mind from these sorts of feelings.

lol i journal A LOT! I have like 7 different journals/planners for many different purposes with many different kinds of pens. I've been a writer and introspective person since I was child but that does sometimes lead into judging myself a bit harsher than I would others.