Ex boyfriend seems to showing either a level of interest or guilt/regret

[willnotdoit]

I’ve been dating this guy for about 8/9 months. We’re 9 years apart and I don’t notice the age difference. 34m, 25f.  We get along like a house on fire, always laughing together. He tells me regularly ‘I laugh so much with you’, I know his friends, his family know about me but we haven’t been able to meet due to Covid. He used to call his parents every Sunday but since we’ve been dating, it’s become less and less. To me this is also a sign of being in a relationship with someone. We normally see each other a few times a week, sometimes less or more depending on our schedule. He invites me to all the 'big' things in his life, for example, we were going to go to his medical ball together (he would've been seen with me in front of other girls if there is anything nefarious). When we drive or hangout in different areas together, he likes to look up the prices of houses. He's also said in front of me how cute kids are and that he can't wait to do that one day. Signs to me he's testing my reaction and seeing if I want that as well.

A few months into dating, he asked to make sure that we’re not seeing other people. He isn’t into casual sex and I think exclusivity is important to him. A few months ago I was anxious about what we were - he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend and I thought this is something that he would’ve wanted to do. He’s traditional, wanting something serious such as marriage/family. We had a few talks about the direction of our relationship, he said there were a few things he was a bit concerned about, a few things we maybe didn’t have in common (he’s very risk-averse and overthinks everything). His concerns were things like ‘I like anime and you don’t’ ‘I like fiction books and you don’t’

He’s studying so after that conversation he said he would decide at the end of his exams, his exams have finished now. He went away recently with some of his University friends, he was unsure of whether to go (seemed like he wanted to be with me, haha) and wanted to see me before he left. I’ve felt good about everything between us post-exams as I had a feeling he was going to slowly contact me less and less and try and see me less - due to his uncertainty.

One night on the phone, I told him that I wasn’t quite sure whether continuing to have sex with him was a wise idea as we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend. He was confused that I said it was casual. I said ‘well, we aren’t in a relationship’ and he said ‘you are my girlfriend’ I’m certain he went onto say ’I thought we’ve known this since we started dating’ so I then asked him ‘well if I was to meet a new friend of yours that I haven’t met, would you introduce me as your girlfriend? And he said yes. Unfortunately, he has to repeat his exams so I may not be able to see him for a while, I do need to clarify that he actually meant this.

I just wonder why he had this hesitancy a few times when we had the discussion a few months back though? There was even a point where I suggested we should end things because he wasn't so sure and he agreed. Maybe this is natural though and a reflection of his risk-averse attitude about things. There were just some uncertainties on his part. He said he could've been overthinking it. As a result, it sort of made me more anxious and I suggested we should end it.

We were the other day asking to see me and said it’ll be good to have a proper chat about things as we’ve both been putting things off, as so he said.

I got to his house, he said yes I have been his girlfriend all along and he doesn't know why I would think otherwise. He said that he feels it’s not going to work because of our age gap and he claims we're very different people. I personally do not see this as I feel like we share the same values, we're compatible in a lot of areas etc. He told me that he finds me beautiful, loves my sense of humour and that we get along and have fun together. I did mention that we handle conflict differently but our only arguments have been over text/call and since that's such a poor form of communication - it's hard to tell.

He started to cry (this is the most emotion I've seen from him), saying he won't be able to cook me any more dinners and our memories shared together. He then went back and forth and said he doesn't know if he's making the right decision, that he will never find someone like me, I am out of his league etc. He said maybe he's just one big idiot after all and he's made a stupid decision. I was calm in my response and he said "why don't you get angry? this is making it more difficult" in a somewhat cute way. He just kept saying that lately everything has been solidified in his brain that it's probably the most responsible decision. He asked me if I thought he was being unreasonable.

Now I feel like since we've been arguing quite a bit the past few weeks and he's been stressed, possibly his decision is skewed. I hadn't seen him in 2 or 3 weeks due to exams and I asked whether maybe we just got cold feet because of us not seeing each other. I remember months ago he said he sometimes questions us in absence.

We spent over 4 hours talking and it was like he didn't want me to leave nor did I. He then asked if we should go to dinner together. He finally walked me to my car and he couldn't stop crying.

Something in me decided to message him the other morning after I left:

Me - Morning 😊 I don’t know if messaging you is the best idea, but I hope you haven’t woken up too sad. If you ever want to catch up on neutral grounds, a coffee or lunch, don’t hesitate - I still consider you a friend. Even under these circumstances, it was nice to see you last night and I am saddened I won’t be able to have more of them with you. That’s all ❤️

Him - Morning! I was in two minds as to whether to message you with the same sentiment 😅 I feel very much the same. Like you say it’s always nice seeing you, and it’s hard for me to think we won’t be sharing more moments together. I really hope you’re feeling ok today ❤️ Enjoy the rest of your weekend 😊

Me - Aw, well if you’re keen to catch up in a week to come or a few months, let me know. I’m trying to not make this any harder for us but it is difficult. I didn’t react with anger because that’s genuinely not how I feel about us. I miss you, enjoy your morning eggs ❤️

Him - Will do ❤️ miss you too, at least you can have your eggs with olive oil today 😅

Me - These thoughts are best discussed in person but I’m not sure if that can happen and they’re weighing heavy on me. I do think we could work through the issues as I feel there are more positives than negatives. I am aware that the past few weeks have been pretty nasty for the both of us but I’ve been particularly harsh on you. If I don’t hear back from you, I will, of course, assume you do not feel the same way and will accept your decision.

Him - I thought I did explain that although the last month or so has been really difficult, it hasn’t been the main reason why I reached the decision I did. Of course I’m always really happy to talk to you about anything though, so if you still want to talk things through naturally I’m happy to do that 😊

He went onto say that he hates that he's upset me and that it's all really difficult for him but he *thinks* it's all for the best.

I asked that if we decide to have a chat, when is he free as he is starting a new job (again, could be a reason for the breakup) next week.

We caught up and went to the beach together. We had a good time, he just feels at the moment he thinks it’s the best decision, although he isn’t fully confident he’s doing the right thing. He said maybe in a year it’ll make more sense and we realise we’re fit for each other. He said that he told his mother we broke up and she got really angry. Something was quite odd, he told me his friend (who I know) broke up with his girlfriend but they’re back together. We then went back to his for a cup of tea and we talked a bit more. When I left, he said he wants to see me again in a week or 2.

We spoke on the phone the other day and I told him it’s really painful catching up with him and I don’t want to feel like an option to him or being left on the back burner, he said that wasn’t his intention and he would never do that as he has too much respect for me. He said it was hard catching up with me recently as well. He said he agreed to catching up because he felt like it was something I wanted. We spoke a bit more and he said that if he has a change of heart in the future, he won’t just sit on it. He’ll tell me. He told me he hopes I know how beautiful I actually am. I sort joked that all I want is just for him to cuddle me like he used to. He said “Hahaha, don’t be saying stuff like that, this is all hard enough already” I told him that he could call me anytime if he’s feeling rough - he told me it was very sweet of me. We spoke about his recent hair cut and he was sort of texting me, using emojis/words that he used to. He sent me a strange follow up message saying “if it’s any consolation I’ve just been lying around with a bad cold all week”

What are your thoughts?

**TL;DR** 8 months into dating, he finally broke the news to me that we should end what we have based on our age gap and some differences. I have a feeling it could also be because he’s starting his new job as a doctor (admittedly stressful)

[Wiseman2]

He's keeping you in the FWB category. Reflect and decide if you want to go along with that or want a real relationship/ BF.

Stop the chitchat. He doesn't want what you want.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he is not looking for anything at this time. Are you living in the past because you want to Mrs.Doctor? Or because you can't accept the breakup?

 

[Fletch Lives]

He broke up with you twice, he's just not into you. Your feelings are not his feelings.  Time to move on and date other guys, there is no future in this. You may have to cut contact.

Edited February 8, 2021 by Fletch Lives

[d0nnivain]

He didn't break up with you for a random reason.  He broke up with you because he thinks you are too different & you are at such different places in your life that you are incompatible & this relationship is unsustainable.  

Just because you disagree doesn't invalidate his reasons.  

[assertives]

Sounds like he sees you as a friend and engages in all those hours/paragraphs long conversations that you initiated because he feels like it's the right thing to do. All that talk about how he's an idiot and that he may regret later on for letting a great person go/may never find someone so amazing etc etc sounds to me that he knows intellectually knows you are good partner material and probably thinks he should want to be with you, but emotionally/romantically, he isn't exactly feeling it. 

I don't think he broke up with you for random reasons, if he doesn't think you guys are compatible, it is a valid reason for him to decide not to pursue a relationship/future regardless whether you agreed or not. I would really suggest putting distance between you guys unless you can sincerely be happy for him if he some day tells you he is dating someome. Otherwise you are just going to get hurt. Find someone who is excited to develope/pursue a relationship with you and you wouldn't have to guess if you guys are in a relationship.

2 hours ago, belladun said:

he said that if he has a change of heart in the future, he won’t just sit on it. He’ll tell me.

Also, this tells you all that you need to know. He isn't confused or "risk-adverse" about pursuing a relationship with someone. He would act on it and admitted as much. His current actions including being forthcoming about going on dates tells you exactly that. He isn't considering you romantically but likely sees you as a friend.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, belladun said:

 That’s all 📷the same sentiment 📷hope you’re feeling ok today 📷 Enjoy the rest of your weekend 📷enjoy your morning eggs 📷Will do 📷 olive oil today 📷’m happy to do that 📷

Sorry this happened. It's best to go no contact. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps

Just curious. What is the significance of all his camera emojis in this drawn out text exchange?

[willnotdoit]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It's best to go no contact. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps

Just curious. What is the significance of all his camera emojis in this drawn out text exchange?

Thank you! Oh, I don't know why they're cameras. I think some of them were smiley faces and then love hearts. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he's Friend-zoned you. 

Unless and until he communicates clearly that he wants to reconcile, I would not continue meeting him. Guys who only come when you go distant are the worst and most inconsistent to date anyway. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I’m going to give it to you straight.  The only reason a guy would break up with a beautiful young gf is to date other beautiful young girls.

Some guys are immature past 30 and can’t settle down.  You have one of these.  It is him and not you.

You have blown pretty much any chance of him coming back by being a clinger and pestering him with contact.

Guys like this want a prize.  You are not something he wins by throwing yourself at his feet.  This makes him lose attraction for you.  You are friendzoned and will be treated as the option as long as you keep contact and respond to him.  He reaches out to test the waters to make sure you are still there waiting in the wings.  The proof that you are friendzoned is that he told you about his dates.  Who the hell does that with someone they are romantically interested in?  I am horrified at this treatment that you are accepting.

Believe me if you got back together with him it would be shitty until he left the next time.  You would be both pretending to be happy while  knowing he has one foot out the door.

I have totally been there so I feel for you.  I have made this mistake and paid the price of losing 3 years on a lie of a relationship.  
 

What will make him feel attraction to you is if you become an independent strong and driven woman who lives her life fully and without fear.

Cut him off 100%.  Let him have his cake.  Don’t watch him eat it!!!!!   Take some time to find your identity and live life like a confident sexy lady.  Get a new sexy wardrobe and start dressing nice. Go to the gym and work on your body.  Get a better job, new interesting hobbies etc. Do these things for yourself because you are totally worth it, don’t do it for him.

Once he sees how you have changed he may regret and come back but by then I am certain you will have found someone 10X’s better than him and won’t want him back.

Chest la vie  

Also make sure you read the pinned posts in this section  about how to go NC.  I read them over and over until I lost the urges. You can do it!

[willnotdoit]

5 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I’m going to give it to you straight.  The only reason a guy would break up with a beautiful young gf is to date other beautiful young girls.

Some guys are immature past 30 and can’t settle down.  You have one of these.  It is him and not you.

You have blown pretty much any chance of him coming back by being a clinger and pestering him with contact.

Guys like this want a prize.  You are not something he wins by throwing yourself at his feet.  This makes him lose attraction for you.  You are friendzoned and will be treated as the option as long as you keep contact and respond to him.  He reaches out to test the waters to make sure you are still there waiting in the wings.  The proof that you are friendzoned is that he told you about his dates.  Who the hell does that with someone they are romantically interested in?  I am horrified at this treatment that you are accepting.

Believe me if you got back together with him it would be shitty until he left the next time.  You would be both pretending to be happy while  knowing he has one foot out the door.

I have totally been there so I feel for you.  I have made this mistake and paid the price of losing 3 years on a lie of a relationship.  
 

What will make him feel attraction to you is if you become an independent strong and driven woman who lives her life fully and without fear.

Cut him off 100%.  Let him have his cake.  Don’t watch him eat it!!!!!   Take some time to find your identity and live life like a confident sexy lady.  Get a new sexy wardrobe and start dressing nice. Go to the gym and work on your body.  Get a better job, new interesting hobbies etc. Do these things for yourself because you are totally worth it, don’t do it for him.

Once he sees how you have changed he may regret and come back but by then I am certain you will have found someone 10X’s better than him and won’t want him back.

Chest la vie  

Also make sure you read the pinned posts in this section  about how to go NC.  I read them over and over until I lost the urges. You can do it!

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your advice. I gather that you also don't think it's a good idea for him and I to catch up? Also, would just ghosting be the rudest thing or can I do that? I want him to obviously reconsider his feelings (at this stage - as you say, I may not in the future) and for him to think I'm not so available. I sort of gather from our most recent conversations when he followed up again, that maybe he's starting to think I'm not just going to be there for him when he wants it. Who would know though. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

13 hours ago, belladun said:

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your advice. I gather that you also don't think it's a good idea for him and I to catch up? Also, would just ghosting be the rudest thing or can I do that? I want him to obviously reconsider his feelings (at this stage - as you say, I may not in the future) and for him to think I'm not so available. I sort of gather from our most recent conversations when he followed up again, that maybe he's starting to think I'm not just going to be there for him when he wants it. Who would know though. 

You need to do a 180.  Whatever you have been doing, you need to do the opposite. So no do not under any circumstances meet with him or talk to him.  Your time is valuable because you are valuable.  You show him this by cutting off access.  Letting him eat his cake is you disengaging so that you can heal and move on.

I am not a fan of just ghosting but I do feel strongly about NC.  So just send him a text and tell him you accept his decision and are going to move on. Tell him not to contact you UNLESS he wants to reconcile. Wish him well tell him you will miss him but you are going to just be gone per his wish.  Then block him and get him off your social media.

I know you want to reconcile, we all secretly want that after a break up but you can’t show it.  Be strong, be brave, stick to nc, work on yourself and you will heal up a hell of a lot faster than if you keep in contact with him.

Once you go NC, he may freak out.  Don’t think for a minute he wants you back.  That is just his ego getting crushed.  Make him work Really hard to get you back.  So do not break NC unless you hear the words mistake... reconcile... do anything to get you back... etc.  

Beyond that you just fake it until you make it and stick to a good workout routine.

[willnotdoit]

A bit over a month ago - my ex said he wanted to catch up to clear the air. He also wouldn’t directly answer the question when I asked if he just sees me as a friend. I’ve decided to pull back, but it seems like he wants to catch up. At the start of this month, he offered to call about something but I said it wasn't necessary, I think he was sort of surprised by that as I usually am jumping at any chance for us to speak on the phone. He sent me a message about the date/time tba (which I didn't respond to) and then he sent me a follow up message about a week later saying “Morning, when works this week for you?” with a smiley face. He hasn't sent me a morning text in a while. He then said whenever is fine, to choose a day/evening and let him know. He then said he hopes my mother is doing okay. This was 2 weeks ago and I didn't respond. He sent me another message yesterday saying he hadn’t heard from me in a while, was wondering how I am and asked if my mother is okay. His follow up messages show something but I'm not sure exactly what. Thoughts?

Edited March 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for Continuity in Current Thread

[Wiseman2]

He seems to be doing the bare minimum to keep you around for dry spells and sex. That's why he's so evasive.

Sadly you're hoping he wants to reconcile but of course at some level you know he doesn't or it wouldn't be this confusing.

[d0nnivain]

Why didn't you just go NC from the start?  If you had deleted him from your life you wouldn't be on this roller coaster now.  

You want him back.  You want him to be a changed man who is the BF you want.  He was never that guy & he never will be that guy.  You are chasing something that doesn't exist.  Your relationship wasn't working before  Nothing has been done to address all that problems that previously existed.  You were anxious & unfulfilled but he was quite content so he wants that back on the old terms -- his terms -- that you never liked in the 1st place  

Why do you continue to hold out false hope, seeking an illusion?  

[lonelyplanetmoon]

9 hours ago, belladun said:

A bit over a month ago - my ex said he wanted to catch up to clear the air. He also wouldn’t directly answer the question when I asked if he just sees me as a friend. I’ve decided to pull back, but it seems like he wants to catch up. At the start of this month, he offered to call about something but I said it wasn't necessary, I think he was sort of surprised by that as I usually am jumping at any chance for us to speak on the phone. He sent me a message about the date/time tba (which I didn't respond to) and then he sent me a follow up message about a week later saying “Morning, when works this week for you?” with a smiley face. He hasn't sent me a morning text in a while. He then said whenever is fine, to choose a day/evening and let him know. He then said he hopes my mother is doing okay. This was 2 weeks ago and I didn't respond. He sent me another message yesterday saying he hadn’t heard from me in a while, was wondering how I am and asked if my mother is okay. His follow up messages show something but I'm not sure exactly what. Thoughts?

I am very glad to hear that you stuck to your guns and maintained NC by not responding to him. You are doing well!

You are getting what they call here as breadcrumbs.  Did you read the pinned posts on NC?

He is giving you minimum effort to just make sure you are hanging around.  He wants to know if you have the door a little open for him.  This is only to settle his ego.  He wants to know he still HAS you.

But be smart.  Do not settle for breadcrumbs.  Only accept a full juicy fresh sandwich full of flavors you love,  You only get this sandwich when he offers a heartfelt reconciliation.

when he offers this to you, you will know.  There will be no doubt as to his intentions.  It is all about the effort to win your trust back.

Stay NC until you have moved on from him or he offers reconciliation.  That is how you will make him respect you.

 

[willnotdoit]

I told him that I feel he just wants to catch up to free himself from guilt and that we can only catch up if we both feel it’s best for us to be together. He responded with saying that he understands and he didn’t think it would still be really difficult but he understands and there is a bit of truth in wanting to free himself but he thought it would be healthy in general. Apologised for the pain he’s caused me and wished me all the best.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, belladun said:

.Apologised for the pain he’s caused me and wished me all the best.

Excellent you got closure. Now delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

That way you can move forward in peace without noises from the past.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I am sorry that you had to that.  I know it stings and I am sure it upset you and set you back.

The wound is still fresh.  Only time can heal this wound.  It took me a good six months to get over my heartbreak.  You will get over it, that is a given.
Just post on here when you feel the need.

Wiseman is right. You have to take the next step to save yourself.

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

‘Had to here that’

[willnotdoit]

On 3/8/2021 at 1:10 AM, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I am sorry that you had to that.  I know it stings and I am sure it upset you and set you back.

The wound is still fresh.  Only time can heal this wound.  It took me a good six months to get over my heartbreak.  You will get over it, that is a given.
Just post on here when you feel the need.

Wiseman is right. You have to take the next step to save yourself.

 

I appreciate everyones advice but I especially love yours. The past few days have been a bit difficult.. as I feel like with our last interaction, more salt was rubbed in the wounds. Maybe I sent the wrong message, maybe he didn't have enough time to respond properly but we both said what we said. I'm staying NC until he moves more mountains. What disturbs me a lot is the chance that I may never hear from him again, as I basically gave him an ultimatum that if he wants to see me it's about us being together and I clearly stated that any sort of triggering message before us catching up is not on. How does one move past this if any advice? I hope you don't mind me. 

Edited March 11, 2021 by belladun

[lonelyplanetmoon]

10 hours ago, belladun said:

I appreciate everyones advice but I especially love yours. The past few days have been a bit difficult.. as I feel like with our last interaction, more salt was rubbed in the wounds. Maybe I sent the wrong message, maybe he didn't have enough time to respond properly but we both said what we said. I'm staying NC until he moves more mountains. What disturbs me a lot is the chance that I may never hear from him again, as I basically gave him an ultimatum that if he wants to see me it's about us being together and I clearly stated that any sort of triggering message before us catching up is not on. How does one move past this if any advice? I hope you don't mind me. 

Thank you.  I am glad it is helping you. And you should post on here about anything you are feeling.  That is what LS is for.  It helped me tremendously when I was feeling so empty and lost to post here and get responses or advice.

I know it is hard to think about closing that door.  I totally get it.  Whenever you question that, just think about the sandwich vs breadcrumbs.  

You are not closing the door to the sandwich. You are closing the door to the breadcrumbs. 
It is about knowing your value and showing him that you deserve a sandwich and will only accept that.  
If you show him that you will accept breadcrumbs then that is what he will give you.  People want to spend the least effort on things they have little value for.  And conversely people don’t value things they spend little effort on.  And as you know, relationships have patterns and a low value pattern will be set if you do reconcile.  Don’t settle for a one sided relationship where you are with someone who does not make an effort in the relationship.

I am sure he may feel a little unsure, that later he may realize he made a mistake.  It is also the dumpee’s dream that one day the dumper wakes up and realizes their mistake.

You fear that he may think the door is closed when / if he wants to come back.  He knows you want to reconcile.  And truly if he felt like he made a mistake, he would be persistent in trying to get you back ie offering the sandwich.  When someone really wants to come back they do not get discouraged by obstacles.  Nothing gets in their way. 

Don’t settle for just a relationship, you want a healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship.  You can only have this kind of relationship when your partner values you and shows commitment and effort.  

So yes you have to prepare to never hear from him again.  Mourn the loss.  As to how? You just have to do the time.  Take each hour and each day as a victory.

You are doing great keeping NC.  It is ok to churn through all your feelings.  Just work on doing things for yourself to make you happy.

Giving you virtual a hug

 

 

[willnotdoit]

Very happy with how I am feeling about things lately. Feeling quite indifferent. Yes I do miss the good times but I am moving on.

[willnotdoit]

So my ex broke up with me in November 2020. He was extremely upset and cried a lot. I sort of could see the break up coming as things were stressful around that time period and I myself, a few times over the phone suggested ending it. We caught up a week later after we officially broke up and he continued to express doubt but claimed he felt it was the right decision for now. We have been in contact on and off since then, the longest period being 3 weeks (right now). We've had a few hour phone calls since the breakup. In Feb/March he was initiating contact, I would not respond and he would text again about wanting to catch up with me but I got cold feet as he conditioned the date about wanting to clear the air, even though he briefly said it would be nice to catch up. I expressed to him that it felt like he just wanted to free himself from guilt and he said he thought it would be healthy in general and that there was a bit of truth in wanting to free himself from guilt, wished me all the best and apologised for the hurt he caused me. I texted him the following evening saying that I wanted to see him and have a nice dinner but I didn't want him to catch up with me just to tell me how sorry he is. That it overwhelmed too. He responded with "Haha, ok, I can see how that caused it. Sorry, it was the furthest from my intention to make you feel that way" that was 3 weeks ago, I didn't respond and I haven't heard anything since.

[Sun Seeker]

You have broken up. Not sure why you need to 'catch up' about anything?

Do not contact him again and do not respond to him if he contacts you.

He's in the past now. Start moving on and focusing on the future.