Ex boyfriend seems to showing either a level of interest or guilt/regret

[ExpatInItaly]

As you've been advised before - you need to let him go. 

He doesn't want what you want. It's a tough pill to swallow but this is over and has been over for a while. You were right to put a stop to any catching up, because it would have left you more hurt when you realized he still doesn't want to get back together. 

Maintain No Contact. It's the only way you move on. 

[willnotdoit]

I haven't spoken to my ex in almost 3 months since he broke up with me late last year. He wanted to catch up and free the air but I declined. I'm in NC now. Any stories of being in NC for long periods of time and getting back together?

[d0nnivain]

NC is not about getting an EX back.  It's about you healing. 

You should only get back together if the issues that broke you up have been resolved.  You fix what's wrong in an adult relationship by working together, not going off alone & sulking or dating other people. 

The only break up make up scenario I know that worked involved 2 kids who dated in HS but broke up shortly after college started when they were 18/19.  She realized he was to immature.  They reconnected when they were 24 & married right before they turned 30.  They have now been married for almost 3 years & have a 1 year old son.  

 

Your EX who broke up with you in November 2020 is probably not coming back.  You will do better to let that go & move forward.  

Edited April 27, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Gaeta]

Personally I have never gone back to an ex.

But, I have a  niece that dated a boy in High School for 2-3 years then they broke up around age 18-19. She went to college, got other boyfriends and then at 24 they randomly got back in touch and started dating again and they just bought their first house and planning babies for this year. 

The stories I know that work are when you reconnected years later and you are both in better places. 

Edited April 27, 2021 by Gaeta

[d0nnivain]

@belladun  please recognize that the stories @Gaeta & I told you were about people who grew up then got back together many YEARS later. 

26 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The stories I know that work are when you reconnected years later and you are both in better places. 

 

[Happy Lemming]

I dated this one woman and she contacted me about 18 months after she dumped me. Just out of the blue, she called me up and wanted to talk/get back together.

We got back together for a while, until a family emergency forced her to move away.  We were actually doing pretty good the second time around (until her move).

There were other women that came back, but the issues that broke us up (in the first place) always seem to come back up.  In my experience, it is very rare for a relationship to work out after a breakup.

[central]

We broke up, and got back together about 6 months later.  Initially, the timing was bad as we both had unfinished business to resolve - which we did.  Here we are 21 years later, and very happy with our marriage.

[Commongoal123]

It isn't either of your responsibility to reach out.

It's over.

[willnotdoit]

Ex and I dated for a year and we broke up almost 6 months ago. When he did, he expressed a lot of doubt and still does to this day. He cried too when we broke up. He was initiating a lot of contact recently, wanting to see me and clear the air but I declined. I ended up responding to one of his messages once and for all about 2 months later. He replied to what I said and then said it has 'been very difficult from his end. He felt it was the most appropriate thing was to break up, which has been really hard and he misses me all the time. But what's the alternative?'

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, belladun said:

He felt it was the most appropriate thing was to break up, which has been really hard and he misses me all the time. But what's the alternative?'

There isn't one, really. 

It sounds as though he feels bad for breaking up with you, and probably misses your companionship, but hasn't changed his mind about ending it. There's no reason to stay in touch any longer. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, belladun said:

'been very difficult from his end. He felt it was the most appropriate thing was to break up, which has been really hard and he misses me all the time. But what's the alternative?'

Sorry he's still on your mind this much. Are you out dating again?

Unfortunately there are only so many ways someone can tell you it's over nicely.

In this case he tried the fwb route but didn't want to reignite relationship hassles.

 You're hoping he has an epiphany and comes back? he's in a very busy place and has a ton of opportunities, so that's doubtful.

[willnotdoit]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry he's still on your mind this much. Are you out dating again?

Unfortunately there are only so many ways someone can tell you it's over nicely.

In this case he tried the fwb route but didn't want to reignite relationship hassles.

 You're hoping he has an epiphany and comes back? he's in a very busy place and has a ton of opportunities, so that's doubtful.

Yes I have been. 

[d0nnivain]

Do you know the reasons behind the break?  I'm not asking you to tell us what they are but I am trying to confirm that you understand how the break up came to be.  You say he thought the breakup was appropriate & still is.  If that is true, there is nothing to go back to.  He's probably just lonely & bored.  He reaches out to you for the comfort of the familiar.  That is no good reason to reconcile if the reasons you broke up in the 1st place still exit

[willnotdoit]

36 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Do you know the reasons behind the break?  I'm not asking you to tell us what they are but I am trying to confirm that you understand how the break up came to be.  You say he thought the breakup was appropriate & still is.  If that is true, there is nothing to go back to.  He's probably just lonely & bored.  He reaches out to you for the comfort of the familiar.  That is no good reason to reconcile if the reasons you broke up in the 1st place still exit

I'm happy to share. There was an undeniable age gap from the beginning but he didn't think it was the biggest reason as to ending things. But he thinks it was one of the reasons. The other reasons I was given is that we handled conflict differently (I was getting needy near the end and more confrontational as I feared things were ending). But then when I explained things, he said I'm right. One night on the phone he said he wanted someone a bit calmer. Then he said he wants someone either really intelligent or really driven. I questioned that and then he agreed again. I told him that I saw him max twice a week and we often rarely spoke about anything academic and when I did ask him about his studies, he often didn't want to talk about it. Then he said I was probably right. He's just a major perpetually confused sort of guy and do I deep down want to be with someone like that? No. But if they are willing to improve, then yes. I told him I understood the break up tonight too. 

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like you two were fundamentally incompatible on a long term basis.  He's bored & lonely with few social opportunities due to Covid so he's turning to you out of nostalgia.  Don't fall for it. 

[Stromae]

Sorry for the stupid question but I take it from your post hes the one that asked what the alternative was?

If so he’s either fishing for you to ask to get back together or just messing with you. Either way I wouldn’t fall for this “trap” and suggest staying away 

If he outright wanted to get back together he would say so, and at most if he’s even thinking about it then you deserve to be with someone who has the guts to say so or is more sure of being committed to you

Edited April 29, 2021 by Stromae

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, belladun said:

 Then he said he wants someone either really intelligent or really driven. 

Wow. You kept talking after that slap in the face? Basically calling you stupid and lazy?🤯

[glows]

6 hours ago, belladun said:

I'm happy to share. There was an undeniable age gap from the beginning but he didn't think it was the biggest reason as to ending things. But he thinks it was one of the reasons. The other reasons I was given is that we handled conflict differently (I was getting needy near the end and more confrontational as I feared things were ending). But then when I explained things, he said I'm right. One night on the phone he said he wanted someone a bit calmer. Then he said he wants someone either really intelligent or really driven. I questioned that and then he agreed again. I told him that I saw him max twice a week and we often rarely spoke about anything academic and when I did ask him about his studies, he often didn't want to talk about it. Then he said I was probably right. He's just a major perpetually confused sort of guy and do I deep down want to be with someone like that? No. But if they are willing to improve, then yes. I told him I understood the break up tonight too. 

That's a very backhanded way of saying that you're not adequate enough, a little too explicitly. Don't reach out anymore or speak with him. If you're sensing he's confused and misguided or has read you completely wrong, you don't need to keep justifying yourself. From what you wrote he doesn't sound very fair or open. 

There is also that possibility that he's measuring you by standards that are unrealistic. You mentioned an age gap. How are you supposed to know the details of some obscure post-doc research for ie. He could have just said that you're both incompatible (referring to your life stage in general). For all his age or intelligence, he doesn't sound very sharp himself. Let this guy go.

Edited April 29, 2021 by glows

[willnotdoit]

8 hours ago, Stromae said:

Sorry for the stupid question but I take it from your post hes the one that asked what the alternative was?

If so he’s either fishing for you to ask to get back together or just messing with you. Either way I wouldn’t fall for this “trap” and suggest staying away 

If he outright wanted to get back together he would say so, and at most if he’s even thinking about it then you deserve to be with someone who has the guts to say so or is more sure of being committed to you

Yes he was the one who said what's the alternative. 

[willnotdoit]

26f, 35m. Had been talking to this guy for a few months prior to the meeting. He said he is open to a relationship but not with anyone (same). I ended up thinking that he was a bit too forward in the kindest way and I had gotten out of a relationship a month or so beforehand. We had some really great chats. I think he took it a bit negatively and blocked me on social media. I had noticed that he unblocked me on social media so I reached out saying it was probably a miscommunication. He responded positively and we had our first date. Said to me to come to his which we did, we ordered food to his (very gentlemanly sort of guy), attracted to each other, great chats again and we went on a little evening picnic. We both have similar interests in academic stuff. We only kissed that night. I got to his around 6 pm and left almost 12 hours later. He offered that I could stay the night but we could sleep in separate rooms or he was happy to drive me home but it was late, so he ordered an uber for me. We both are quite busy and we had our second date a few weeks later. He said it would be nice to hang again. A few days before our second date, he asked what I was up to one evening and offered movie night in PJs.

Anyway, the second date comes, I got to know him a bit better and he mentioned that we're quite similar. Joked that we both mumble a lot. Joked that he is often really immature and normally people bring him out of it to stop it but I make it worse. Ended up sleeping together, not a selfish person, cuddled afterwards and had our good chats. The date went really long like last time and I got an uber home. He messaged me asking if I was okay and to send me the details of the driver. We have been in contact via social media a bit since.

I'm just unsure whether he should be the one that expresses what he wants in person or do I mention that this is what I'm after. He works till the evenings throughout the week and weekend so it seems that I can only see him after work hours.He reached out asking how I am, days went by and I started to think that I didn't like it how I wouldn't know when I was going to see this guy again and that if it's not meant to be, it's all good. Immature but I sent him a text saying that I didn't like it how our two dates consisted at just his house and that I'm often left not knowing when I would see him again, I said I don't have expectations around texting.

He said he would talk to me the next day as he had a lot on his plate and he is sorry for not mentioning when he would like to see me again in the manner it deserves. I knew the answer wouldn't be good so I deleted him off my social media. He sent me a very rude message the next day saying I was immature, we ended up calling and he said that he thought he would be open to a relationship but he thinks he cannot provide what I would like. I then said to him that I've only met him twice and I'm unsure myself but I do like to know when I'm with someone if they would like to see me again such as 'this was great, when are you free next?' and weirdly he said he felt the same with me. He also said something along the lines of that he doesn't hear from me for days and is unsure of how I feel. He said forget the relationship talk, that he likes me and thinks I'm cool but he asked what my expectations were regarding texting and said he would like to see me again. He said we don't also have to be sexual when we catch up, we can be friends or anything. He told me that he's meanest to the ones he likes the most. Joked that I'm so annoying as we were giggling at stupid things.

The next day I said I would like to see him again but I would not pressure him but I understand if he doesn't as I don't want to waste my time. I apologised for blocking him. He rudely responded and said "I don't want to deal with this f**king bullshit right now, name. I said I've been accommodating enough and to not contact me again. He replied saying 'f***** off, mate' and blocked my number and on WhatsApp. I noticed this morning he unblocked me.

Advice? I would like to see him again but I do not understand his behaviour.

TL;DR guy that I would have liked to have seen again has proved to be quite unstable. Unsure whether I've done the right thing but not ever going to talk to him again. We unfortunately are very similar and have similar interests. I've noticed that he's been blocking a lot of people on his Instagram. 

[Sun Seeker]

Why on Earth would you want to see him again after how he has talked to you, been immature by blocking, and has clearly told you he does not want you to contact him? 

Being similar and having similar interests are the worst possible reasons to want to carry on seeing someone.

Also I don't understand why you were going to his for your dates if that's something you would later say you didn't like. Why would you agree to it in the first place then?

Now you are looking very desperate to reward his bad behaviour, instead of kicking him out of your life for good.

I would suggest working on yourself so you can build up some self love and self confidence. Hopefully then you can tell when someone is bad for you and let them go out of your life for good, instead of clinging on to them just because they showed some initial interest and you are similar.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, belladun said:

I would like to see him again but I do not understand his behaviour.

Why?

Girl. WHY?

[Gaeta]

21 minutes ago, belladun said:

The next day I said I would like to see him again but I would not pressure him but I understand if he doesn't as I don't want to waste my time. I apologised for blocking him. He rudely responded and said "I don't want to deal with this f**king bullshit right now, name. I said I've been accommodating enough and to not contact me again. He replied saying 'f***** off, mate' and blocked my number and on WhatsApp. I noticed this morning he unblocked me.

Advice? I would like to see him again but I do not understand his behaviour.

You like men that treat you like dirt? 

You have no problem at all with a man telling you to F off? 

How many F off does it take for you to feel disrecpected? 

[d0nnivain]

We've been over this in your other thread about him.    This man is NOT good for you.  You two don't want the same things.  You have also recently been active in 2 threads about getting your EX BF back. 

At best this guy is a rebound for you because you are terrified to be alone.  You are so scared of that you are willing to put up with this.  Let's go over all your mistakes AGAIN: 

1.  talking to this man for months before meeting 

2.  Going out with him only 1 mere month after you ended an LTR (rebound)

3.  texting too much before the date 

4.  Going to his house for a 1st date 

5.  spending 12 hours in his home alone with him.  A first meet should be no more than 1 hour in a public place.  A 1st date should be about 3-4 hours, again in a public place. 

6.  a 2nd date again in his home 

7. having sex on a 2nd date & thinking that means something

8. being on each other's social media too early.  Nobody needs that much of a window into your life

9.  blocking & unblocking immature BS  If you don't let them in too early you don't have these problems

10.  trying to communicate delicate & emotionally laden subjects through text.  90% of all communication is non-verbal but you get none of that in text 

11. continuing to interact with him after he called you immature & was rude to you the 1st time

12. wanting to continue after he cursed at you

 

Getting back with him will be a mistake.  You need a LONG hiatus from dating to debrief yourself from the end of your long term relationship & to figure out why you are trying so hard to jump into this dysfunctional rebound with a rude, immature guy who you admit is unstable.   You also need to really did deep to figure out why you claim not to understand his horrid behavior.   You are not in a good emotional place right now.  Take time to reset & get yourself mentally healthy again. 

Edited May 2, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Stupidkupid]

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