Chivalry or inappropriate?

[Night Blooming Cereus]

My husband just told me this: that when he went to Home Depot to pick up paint yesterday morning, he was waiting in line behind a female in her thirties (same age as us), and one of his least favorite employees was hitting on the woman. The guy cops a British accent with all of the women, trying to impress them, but he's actually from Orlando, FL. So my husband decided to "out" him in front of the woman. He said the woman looked like she needed a rescue. She stormed off immediately, and later he saw her complaining to a manager. My husband said he felt it was the right thing to do. And he had his own reasons: apparently the guy is really incompetent at his job and messes up my husband's orders frequently. I don't know how to feel about this. I feel like my husband shouldn't be playing knight-in-shining-armor to strange women. But then again, I do believe in chivalry. Your thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Carlie said:

 She stormed off immediately, and later he saw her complaining to a manager. 

Seems like he wanted to brag to you about what a ladies man he is, however the woman at the stored didn't need or want his "rescuing". Laugh it off.

[Night Blooming Cereus]

I told him she probably didn't need a rescue. This is not the first time he's played "savior" to strange women, never in front of me, though. He refuses to admit it, but he IS a ladies man. Not sure I understand your point: why he would brag about being a ladies man to his wife? 

[Night Blooming Cereus]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Seems like he wanted to brag to you about what a ladies man he is, however the woman at the stored didn't need or want his "rescuing". Laugh it off.

Thanks for your comment! Please see above.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Carlie said:

why he would brag about being a ladies man to his wife? 

To put you down and feed his ego.

[Night Blooming Cereus]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

To put you down and feed his ego.

He's not abusive like that. My concern is whether his behavior towards the strange woman was something I should let slide, or whether it was inappropriate especially since it's not the first time he's played the savior role to strange women.

[Night Blooming Cereus]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Seems like he wanted to brag to you about what a ladies man he is, however the woman at the stored didn't need or want his "rescuing". Laugh it off.

Just to clarify, the woman was complaining about the employee, not my husband.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree this is all about him needing to feel like the big man, an ego issue. I agree with you that it's not his place to be "rescuing" strange women. 

I have no idea how to handle it, though. In my experience, these ego issues in men are pernicious and cause a lot of trouble. Criticism from you isn't going to change it. The ego needs to win, so that would probably only start an argument. I guess I'd try to ignore it. 

[Night Blooming Cereus]

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I agree this is all about him needing to feel like the big man, an ego issue. I agree with you that it's not his place to be "rescuing" strange women. 

I have no idea how to handle it, though. In my experience, these ego issues in men are pernicious and cause a lot of trouble. Criticism from you isn't going to change it. The ego needs to win, so that would probably only start an argument. I guess I'd try to ignore it. 

Hmm. Thank you for your feedback. I'll think over the "ego" thing. I  just don't want him to continue to do it. I don't know how to talk to him about it either. I can't ignore it, since there will likely be a "next time," and at some point, I'm going to lose my s***.

[flitzanu]

different angle, this may be less about "the other woman" and more about insulting the other male.  this may not be about "women" but about finding some superiority over other men.

[Night Blooming Cereus]

Just now, flitzanu said:

different angle, this may be less about "the other woman" and more about insulting the other male.  this may not be about "women" but about finding some superiority over other men.

Yes, I agree. My husband is very happy with me and has no interest in other women. He wanted to slam paint employee dude down. However, the kind of female attention that he attracts to himself by pulling these kind of stunts is what I am concerned with. He is acting like a bachelor, when he should be using more discretion, since he's married. What do you think?

[lana-banana]

I would just tell him directly. "I don't find that really impressive or funny, and I wish you wouldn't treat other people like that. Women don't need rescuing and putting people down just makes you look like a jerk."

"Chivalry" is a weird concept these days, and in any event he clearly did this to satisfy his own ego, not to actually help this woman---which I'm pretty sure is the exact opposite of whatever "chivalry" is supposed to mean. It's not cool.

[Night Blooming Cereus]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

I would just tell him directly. "I don't find that really impressive or funny, and I wish you wouldn't treat other people like that. Women don't need rescuing and putting people down just makes you look like a jerk."

"Chivalry" is a weird concept these days, and in any event he clearly did this to satisfy his own ego, not to actually help this woman---which I'm pretty sure is the exact opposite of whatever "chivalry" is supposed to mean. It's not cool.

Ok, good point, thank you! I do agree with him that paint dude was being a creepy a**h*** pretending to be British and hitting on women at his place of employment. But it wasn't my husband's place to do anything about it, imo.

[lana-banana]

Just now, Carlie said:

Ok, good point, thank you! I do agree with him that paint dude was being a creepy a**h*** pretending to be British and hitting on women at his place of employment. But it wasn't my husband's place to do anything about it, imo.

No, it wasn't. So what if he was putting on a British accent? He clearly isn't expecting to run into these women again, and even if he did the truth would come out soon enough. I think it is weird and inappropriate that your husband has it out for some poor employee just trying to do a thankless job, and it is just as weird that your husband followed this situation closely enough to hear this woman's complaints to the manager about said employee. His behavior is gross all around.

[Night Blooming Cereus]

2 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

No, it wasn't. So what if he was putting on a British accent? He clearly isn't expecting to run into these women again, and even if he did the truth would come out soon enough. I think it is weird and inappropriate that your husband has it out for some poor employee just trying to do a thankless job, and it is just as weird that your husband followed this situation closely enough to hear this woman's complaints to the manager about said employee. His behavior is gross all around.

He didn't follow her, he just happened to overhear her while he was at the register. I mean, I'm not super-against him trying to cause trouble for an employee that is going to womanize customers on the job - that guy is obviously a scumbag and deserves it. My problem is that it inevitably involved him advocating for another woman in a protective way - not his place.

[Lotsgoingon]

This could just be bad boundaries, meaning your husband has the mistaken view that people need rescuing. Well if this employee was about to assault this woman, then yeah, jump in, but he's just flirting with the woman, well that's none of hubby's business whatsoever.

Also hubby is using this moment to do a passive-aggressive thing: to give a hard time to an employee that he doesn't like. A direct approach would be for hubby simply to complain about the employee, either to him or to his supervisor--not give the guy a hard time on a matter that doesn't concern your hubby.

Is hubby a rescuer? 

 

[lana-banana]

13 minutes ago, Carlie said:

He didn't follow her, he just happened to overhear her while he was at the register. I mean, I'm not super-against him trying to cause trouble for an employee that is going to womanize customers on the job - that guy is obviously a scumbag and deserves it. My problem is that it inevitably involved him advocating for another woman in a protective way - not his place.

Faking a British accent is hitting on people now? And messing up orders means it's okay to harass him? I mean, maybe this guy really is a jerk, but your husband isn't acting like a prize. It's not his place to assume women need rescuing and it's certainly not his place to passive-aggressively harass "his least favorite employee". Zero boundaries, garbage behavior all around. 

Edited March 4, 2021 by lana-banana

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Carlie said:

My husband is very happy with me and has no interest in other women.

If this is the case just dismiss it as ego puffing.

[ShyViolet]

So all the guy was doing was putting on a fake British accent?  That's hardly anything that a woman needs "rescuing" from.  Your husband needs to mind his own business.  I don't see how this is "chivalry".

[normal person]

Very interesting topic. Is your husband an honorable, honest guy? Because that's the way I think of myself and I reading this, I felt myself resenting the cashier for trying to earn a woman's affection through trickery or deceit, because that's always rubbed me the wrong way. If I saw a guy doing something stupid like that, I'd be compelled to call him out, not because of the woman, but out of spite for the guy and his tactics. It's like if you spent hours studying for a test, and then you heard someone got a good grade by cheating, wouldn't you be mad? Can't a guy just talk to a woman normally without lying to her? 

[Night Blooming Cereus]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

This could just be bad boundaries, meaning your husband has the mistaken view that people need rescuing. 

Is hubby a rescuer? 

Yes, he is. Thank you for bringing up boundaries, that is the magic word that I somehow have managed to overlook for the last four years! I am going to be able to address not just this instance but many past instances and hopefully future ones thanks to your insight! Thanks again!

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Carlie said:

He wanted to slam paint employee dude down. However, the kind of female attention that he attracts to himself by pulling these kind of stunts is what I am concerned with. He is acting like a bachelor, when he should be using more discretion, since he's married. What do you think?

I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.  You know your husband's primary motive was to slam the employee he doesn't like, not hit on the woman.  If the employee had been being a jerk to a male customer, I think your husband would have taken any opportunity to slam the employee.  

I really don't see how you characterize anything he did as "acting like a bachelor."  

The fact that you are upset & are anticipating that some day you are going to lose it over your husband's stunts makes me wonder what is really bothering you?   Even assuming that the woman did need "rescuing", why would you begrudge your husband an act or chivalry or be so upset because he was nice to somebody?  Do you get bent out of shape when he opens doors for women in public too?  

My advice is that your husband needs to use a different check out line or self check out when he sees the employee he doesn't like is working.  Why invite drama especially if the employee frequently gets your husband's order wrong? 

[Night Blooming Cereus]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I really don't see how you characterize anything he did as "acting like a bachelor."  

The fact that you are upset & are anticipating that some day you are going to lose it over your husband's stunts makes me wonder what is really bothering you?   Even assuming that the woman did need "rescuing", why would you begrudge your husband an act or chivalry or be so upset because he was nice to somebody?  Do you get bent out of shape when he opens doors for women in public too?  

Ok, now this is the kind of response I really need. No need for you to get rude, I am merely confused and trying to sort s*** out in my head, thus my post here.

So my husband is very outgoing with service people, a little too much so. He ends up flirting with all the ladies, without meaning to. He is also very handsome, so this ends of creating a lot of flak for me. 

So you see this as an act of chivalry? I tend to see it that way too. He said the employee was being pushy and verbally aggressive with the woman, and he already couldn't stand him, so I guess he decided to kill two birds with one stone. I have no problem with him outing the employee, and it seems that the woman wasn't interested in my husband's rescuing her, only really p.o.ed at the employee. So it is fine. My concern is that a lot of this repeat behavior is going to have me beating off the women with a baseball bat, and I am already doing it with a very large stick...at the grocery store, at the gas station, at the McDonald's drive-thru. It doesn't help that my husband is completely oblivious to the fact that he is highly attractive to women. Thus he thinks I am making s*** up when I tell him about my negative experiences with these women as a result of his inadvertent flirtation. Four years in, I am at my wit's end. Please advise further!!

[basil67]

If your husband found the same employee being awful to a male customer, would he also have gotten involved?  

[Night Blooming Cereus]

42 minutes ago, normal person said:

Very interesting topic. Is your husband an honorable, honest guy? Because that's the way I think of myself and I reading this, I felt myself resenting the cashier for trying to earn a woman's affection through trickery or deceit, because that's always rubbed me the wrong way. If I saw a guy doing something stupid like that, I'd be compelled to call him out, not because of the woman, but out of spite for the guy and his tactics. It's like if you spent hours studying for a test, and then you heard someone got a good grade by cheating, wouldn't you be mad? Can't a guy just talk to a woman normally without lying to her? 

Thanks for your perspective! I completely agree, the guy sounded like a total scumbag, and I'm not opposed to my husband slamming him down on that count. It's just, if someone is married, is it, or is it not their place to be interceding on the behalf of another woman if there is no imminent physical threat to her well-being? That's my question.