Chivalry or inappropriate?

[Night Blooming Cereus]

47 minutes ago, normal person said:

Very interesting topic. Is your husband an honorable, honest guy? 

Yes, my husband is honorable and honest, to a fault!

[d0nnivain]

Just get stronger.  My husband is very handsome & inadvertently flirty or he means nothing by it.  

Practice your withering stare.  I can make any unwanted female attention directed at my husband fold up her skirts & run away with just a glare.  Try it.  You don't need a bat.  

Let it roll off you too.  What negative experiences are you having with these women?  If they are not chasing you making nasty comments just leave them be.  You already got the prize:  your hubby. You said he's a loyal guy so just don't give it a second thought. 

To answer your last Q, even in the absence of imminent physical harm, I see no threat to your marriage if he intervenes nor do I see it as inappropriate.   Now if he was a different guy who was not loyal it may be a different story.  

Edited March 4, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Night Blooming Cereus]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If your husband found the same employee being awful to a male customer, would he also have gotten involved?  

Not sure. A little less likely but I think so.

[basil67]

OK, so perhaps it wasn't about hitting on her, but a true act of chivalry?   And when I use the word chivalrous, I use it in a gender neutral way - looking after someone who needs help.  Like giving a seat to someone who needs it, helping someone who's bag of groceries split....that kind of thing.  

That said, berating a member of staff in public is appalling behaviour on the part of your husband.  This stuff should be dealt with in the manager's office.  

[normal person]

14 minutes ago, Carlie said:

It's just, if someone is married, is it, or is it not their place to be interceding on the behalf of another woman if there is no imminent physical threat to her well-being? That's my question. 

Valid. It's not an imminent physical threat, but in my mind, a guy who will lie to get what he wants will probably do other, similarly bad things in general, and probably even worse things than that. So no, the threat isn't imminent but it doesn't mean there isn't any concern either. The guy had a chance to show his character and the first impression he gives is "liar who's incompetent at his job." What advantage is there to give this guy the benefit of the doubt? He doesn't sound like he's the type who's going to get off work and then spend his free time reading to kids at the orphanage. Yeah, it might be judgmental of me, but the potential reward in it for this woman falling for this crap and dealing with whatever other things he does seems so much lower than the risk he's broadcasting. No, it's not your husband's place to make that decision for her, but in my eyes, he did her a huge favor, I would've done the same thing. Or for any person, male or female, young/old, etc in a similar situation. It gets labeled "chauvinism" because of the male/female dynamic but if your husband would've done it for any other person, then he's not necessarily a chauvinist, he could just be an honest person who has the courage to expose a liar and look out for someone else. 

[Night Blooming Cereus]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Just get stronger.  My husband is very handsome & inadvertently flirty or he means nothing by it.  

Practice your withering stare.  I can make any unwanted female attention directed at my husband fold up her skirts & run away with just a glare.  Try it.  You don't need a bat.  

Let it roll off you too.  What negative experiences are you having with these women?  If they are not chasing you making nasty comments just leave them be.  You already got the prize:  your hubby. You said he's a loyal guy so just don't give it a second thought. 

To answer your last Q, even in the absence of imminent physical harm, I see no threat to your marriage if he intervenes nor do I see it as inappropriate.   

Wow. That is exactly the advice I've been needing, thank you! I will be practicing that motherf***ing withering stare until perfect, and I'm sure I'll get a lot of practice! Im so thankful you came along because I was getting ready to address "boundaries" with him, and we've already got a lot going on in general and don't need that s***! 

I'm quite inadvertently flirty too, but have gotten a lot better about it, whereas he has not. But he means absolutely nothing by it. And he is SO loyal, you're right, I have absolutely nothing to worry about! 

Thanks a ton! ❤️

[Night Blooming Cereus]

11 minutes ago, normal person said:

It's not an imminent physical threat, but in my mind, a guy who will lie to get what he wants will probably do other, similarly bad things in general, and probably even worse things than that. So no, the threat isn't imminent but it doesn't mean there isn't any concern either. 

It gets labeled "chauvinism" because of the male/female dynamic but if your husband would've done it for any other person, then he's not necessarily a chauvinist, he could just be an honest person who has the courage to expose a liar and look out for someone else. 

I agree on both of these counts. The employee wasn't necessarily about to hit the customer but from what my husband said he was being verbally aggressive toward her, and if he hadn't been on the clock, might have followed her to the parking lot. My husband definitely did her a service.

And my husband gets called a chauvenist a lot, but it's usually just him trying to stand up for the little guy, and the little guy often happens to be a woman.

Thanks for your perspective - it's great!

[MsJayne]

31 minutes ago, Carlie said:

So my husband is very outgoing with service people, a little too much so. He ends up flirting with all the ladies, without meaning to. He is also very handsome, so this ends of creating a lot of flak for me. 

So here is the crux of the matter. Your husband called out another guy for flirting when he actually does it himself, and the pong of hypocrisy is wafting around.  Women in store lines don't need rescuing by the self-appointed service police, and it's for store management to decide who's incompetent or inappropriate. I'm wondering why your husband felt he had to tell you about this incident, and also wondering if he'd make a scene if the guy on the paint counter was being somehow inappropriate with a male customer.  Sounds as if hubby likes to rub his ego with female attention. 

[Night Blooming Cereus]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK, so perhaps it wasn't about hitting on her, but a true act of chivalry?   And when I use the word chivalrous, I use it in a gender neutral way - looking after someone who needs help.  Like giving a seat to someone who needs it, helping someone who's bag of groceries split....that kind of thing.  

That said, berating a member of staff in public is appalling behaviour on the part of your husband.  This stuff should be dealt with in the manager's office.  

Yes, after having posted on here, having gotten people's responses, and having had a chance to get my head on straight, I do believe that it was an act of chivalry. My husband is a champion for the little guy, through and through. Sometimes I get threatened by the results of that, but as d0nnivain said above, I've just gotta get stronger and let it roll off me.

And he didn't berate the guy, he just "outed"him. Exposed his lie. 

[Night Blooming Cereus]

26 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

So here is the crux of the matter. Your husband called out another guy for flirting when he actually does it himself, and the pong of hypocrisy is wafting around.  Women in store lines don't need rescuing by the self-appointed service police, and it's for store management to decide who's incompetent or inappropriate. I'm wondering why your husband felt he had to tell you about this incident, and also wondering if he'd make a scene if the guy on the paint counter was being somehow inappropriate with a male customer.  Sounds as if hubby likes to rub his ego with female attention. 

It does Sound like that, but the fact is that he would have done the same thing if the employee had been male. The employee was being verbally aggressive with the woman. I wouldn't call that flirting. This is a scenario that my husband says happens almost every time he goes to that paint counter in that store. What it really sounds like is that my husband did everyone a favor! And the reason he told me about it is we tell each other Everything! We're best friends. I'm even going to tell him about posting on here, about this. We have no reason to hide anything from each other. Thanks for your perspective! 

[MsJayne]

10 minutes ago, Night Blooming Cereus said:

It does Sound like that, but the fact is that he would have done the same thing if the employee had been male. The employee was being verbally aggressive with the woman. I wouldn't call that flirting. This is a scenario that my husband says happens almost every time he goes to that paint counter in that store. What it really sounds like is that my husband did everyone a favor! And the reason he told me about it is we tell each other Everything! We're best friends. I'm even going to tell him about posting on here, about this. We have no reason to hide anything from each other. Thanks for your perspective! 

OK, so you've answered your own question  

[Woggle]

Your husband needs to mind his business. The woman might have thought it was funny or enjoyed flirting with the guy. Not every woman gets offended when men act like red blooded men. It reminds of a time when a man called me a misogynist in a room full of women and every woman took my side.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Woggle said:

Your husband needs to mind his business. The woman might have thought it was funny or enjoyed flirting with the guy. Not every woman gets offended when men act like red blooded men. It reminds of a time when a man called me a misogynist in a room full of women and every woman took my side.

@Woogle -- while I don't totally disagree with you, the OP's Q was about whether her husband's behavior was a negative in the context of their marriage.  

[Miss Spider]

Seemed a little unnecessary. WTG, your husband, for ****blocking that guy. Not like she couldn’t just ring her stuff up and go complain without his “help”. 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, Night Blooming Cereus said:

My husband just told me this: that when he went to Home Depot to pick up paint yesterday morning, he was waiting in line behind a female in her thirties (same age as us), and one of his least favorite employees was hitting on the woman. The guy cops a British accent with all of the women, trying to impress them, but he's actually from Orlando, FL. So my husband decided to "out" him in front of the woman. He said the woman looked like she needed a rescue. She stormed off immediately, and later he saw her complaining to a manager. My husband said he felt it was the right thing to do. And he had his own reasons: apparently the guy is really incompetent at his job and messes up my husband's orders frequently. I don't know how to feel about this. I feel like my husband shouldn't be playing knight-in-shining-armor to strange women. But then again, I do believe in chivalry. Your thoughts?

Hi @Night Blooming Cereus, I hope you don't take offense to what I'm about so say, I have read all the posts and these are my thoughts.

First off, I agree with Woggle, your husband needs to mind his own business. 

Second, this wasn't "chivalry," it reads to me like your husband was/is jealous of the guy; he's single and free to flirt with women and hit on women in whatever manner he likes, wherever he likes.  Your husband is married and cannot -- so my very first thought when reading was that he's jealous of him.

The whole story sounds sketchy anyway though.  How does your husband know his British accent is fake and he's from Orlando, Florida?  Does he know him personally?  Admittedly he doesn't like the guy, but yet he knows where's he from and that he fakes a Brit accent to impress the ladies?  

Bolded - so the guy fakes a British accent to impress the ladies, so what?  That is hardly being "verbally aggressive" (as you asserted in a later post) and if being verbally aggressive were his angle with the ladies (his customers), damn straight the guy would no longer have a a job.  So to me, it sounds like he was innocently chatting/flirting which as a single man, is certainly his right.

So apparently your wonderful "chivalrous" husband followed this woman after the incident and witnessed her "complaining" to a store manager?  You said he told you she was complaining about the employee, and how does he know this?  Was he listening in on their conversation?  Why would he do that?  How does he know she wasn't complaining about HIM?  Did he speak with her afterwards?  Again, why?

In any event, I agree with the last bolded sentence above - it's not your husband's place to play "knight in shining armor" to a strange woman and then follow her around afterwards listening in on a private convo she had with the store manager. 

To your original questions, it is completely inappropriate for a married man to do this.

Assuming the story is even true.  Franky, if my boyfriend or husband came home with such a story, I'd probably chuckle and say "that's nice," and change the subject.  😂

He may have been trying to garner a reaction from you, which apparently worked!

Oh well, you're happy and thinks he's the cat's meow, which is all that matters.  😄

 

 

 

Edited March 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Woggle]

17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

@Woogle -- while I don't totally disagree with you, the OP's Q was about whether her husband's behavior was a negative in the context of their marriage.  

It is . I don't know about his motives but married men who like to pull this stuff tend to have poor boundaries that can slip into something else. On some level many of them are looking for a pat on the head from women for being one of the good ones and while most women will roll their eyes at this kind of stuff the one who does fall for it is the one who might get him to cross that boundary.

[Miss Spider]

29 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

@Woogle -- while I don't totally disagree with you, the OP's Q was about whether her husband's behavior was a negative in the context of their marriage.  

I see. If that’s the case, I dunno how anyone can know his motives better than her based on the information given. If she is to take her husband‘s word for it, according to his story, he’s a hero without a cape, a white knight who emerges victorious against Tim with the slimy fake accent  at register 1 , so he did a great thing.  It’s the ridiculous and unnecessary element of the whole thing that makes people doubt the veracity of his motives.  But then again, why would he share it? Maybe he wants a cookie for his good deed. 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Night Blooming Cereus]

I'm checking out of this, I already got the advice I needed, and this has digressed into completely unnecessary insults directed towards my husband. Y'all also don't have all the details, or enough of the context, to have drawn the conclusions I have come to. Good night!

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Night Blooming Cereus said:

I'm checking out of this, I already got the advice I needed, and this has digressed into completely unnecessary insults directed towards my husband. Y'all also don't have all the details, or enough of the context, to have drawn the conclusions I have come to. Good night!

That's fine, you're right we don't have enough of the context; speaking for myself, based on the context you did provide, I agreed with your comment below and explained why.  Apologies for offending.

>> I don't know how to feel about this. I feel like my husband shouldn't be playing knight-in-shining-armor to strange women. 

Edited March 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Lisa]

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