Coping has become more difficult over time

[Alamo657]

Hello everyone,

I'm currently experiencing the lowest mental state I've ever been in.

For a year, I dated a coworker. At the end of summer 2020, after an admittedly rocky relationship, she stopped talking to me out of work, and our relationship was over just like that.

She's a beautiful, funny, and very nice person to be around with. And the sex was on par with her personality.

She's also addicted to seducting men. That's how it started.

So, she arrived at my workplace i  2018, with a batch of coworkers. She was in a relationship, she had a 2 year old child.

At first another coworker started flirting heavily with her, and she kept it on friendly terms. Long story short, she wasn't indifferent, but didn't act on it.

This coworker left.

Then in 2019, we started getting close. I was in-between relationships as I always am, and the flirting gradually escalated for all of The workplace amusement.

Then one day I texted her, and it spiralled over a few weeks into us admitting feeling for each others and seeing each others after work in parks and broad daylight.

She left the father of her child during the summer of 2019, and we started seeing each other privately. Our relationship was a secret to our coworkers, although we were the subject of observation and not-so-subtle comments about our closeness.

In september 2019, that coworker from the beginning of my story, who had developed bonds with the workplace, came back for a visit from out of town. We had a Saturday devoted to going in a restaurant and doing an escape game.

He heavily flirted again, and ... Long story short, 3 weeks later I was single, and he was at her place for 2 weekends. I took a 3 weeks leave from work to cope with this mess I put myself in.

When I came back from leave, she approached me, we talked, and our relationship restarted.

Follows a normal relationship , with 3 things to note :

1) while still being flirty at work, we had 2 times when she completely freaked out because people were gossiping about us. She blamed it on both of us, but most especially on me.

2) because she has a son, our private life was seeing each others every 2 weekends,and the odd every other day when the child was at its father's. When we were not seeing each others in the flesh, there was a pattern : she subtly and gradually reduced contact and interactions for a week, then somehow ramped it up again before "our" weekend.

3) she really loves her son. I Mean really much. They kiss on the mouth (light kiss, nothing perverted) She gets sad when he's not around, is excited when she gets to see him again. For all intent and purpose, he's the man of her life, which is words she said herself. 

Comes the covid lockdown.

Our relationship had attained stability at the beginning of 2020, and the day before the lockdown, she fell pregnant. So, in my country, the lockdown was met with hysteria by the authorities and everything was being locked down for no reasons. Including abortion services. Lets just say that she did get an abortion, but it wasn't a walk in the park, and she had to juggle with the lockdown, her son, and her health all at the same time. She resented both of us for this situation. But calmed down after some time.

Came summer. We had a beautiful July together . I organized our vacation together and it was perfect. From her attitudes and communication, she seemed very much in love. This was the last time we would see each others privately.

then She left for 2 weeks, spending vacation at her mother with her son. 1 week in, communication slowed down.

a note about her holidays :

1) she had her mother, her sister and her family, and her younger brother who was with male friends of is. Now those male friends are 25 something muscular, party type boys. When we called each other, she teased me about how they were complimenting her on her body. She was basically in summer mode either in a bikini or light fabric.

2) her sister and mother had a pretty heavy falling out due to the serial flirting/cheating of the sisters husband. So the holidays were tense in that department.

meanwhile i was at work. Now you have to know that at work, while our relationship was officially a secret, we were under constant teasing from our coworkers because of our flirting and my admittedly un-hidable attraction which was expressed verbally bye making jokey comment about how wonderful she was as a person, and physically trough my eyes and smiles. She was also playing a part in it, altho in a more low key manner than me.

when she came back from work, her coworkers basically assaulted her with gossip about how I was all lovey dovey when it came about her, what I said, how I said it etc... Now, they didn't do that in front of me. She told me after.

And that was it. She just stopped texting me or calling me, all the while acting at work like we were ok with each others.

I was not ok. I tried talking, got blamed and accused , and she refused for us to see each others until she "cooled down".

then I took 2 weeks holidays for myself. During that time, we were basically in no contact mode . Me out of pride mostly, because I didn't want to come off as chasing someone who rejected me. Inside I was a mess, I stopped eating, and I was a sad panda.

after some time, I insisted we had "the talk". And we had a talk. She told me she couldn't bear the situation at work anymore (me neither, I was totally with her on that), and that she didn't want her private life to be a subject of gossip at the workplace.

she apologized for putting all the blame on me and recognized that she was part of it too.

that's all. Nothing more.

more health related events happened in her life, I tried to keep in touch lightly but while she did answer me and was "friendly" she never initiated contact ever again except once. She was down, at home, recovering from minor surgery (but invalidating), and reached out to get some verbal comfort. I acted friendly , and didn't let slip any feelings-related topics. I don't think thats what she wanted, I think she wanted the ego boost of my free love. I didn't give her that.

She came back in november. We were polite with each others at work but nothing more.

At the same time, a new coworker came replacing another for a month. Now what I witnessed disgusted me to the core of my soul. He flirted, like all men do with this woman (shes really gorgeous, and officially single). And she flirted back. In front of Me, in front of everyone, with no restraints, grafually Over the course of 3 weeks after his arrival. I wanted to puke and cry at my desk. It took a supreme effort to finish the day and go back home with dignity and the appearance of indifference.

I called her, in full weak mode, I asked her to stop that crap in front of me, of everyone, after the excuses she gave me to end our relationship. Terrible thing I did for myself there, but I was so disgusted, full of rage, pain and sadness... What's done is done.

Come 2021, the replacement guy is gone

we stopped greeting each others. We work 5 meters appart, in a semi open space. Ther is a glass wall between us. I can hear her laugh and talk about her life. I'm stuck here for the next 6 months until I can ask to move in another department. She's the center of attention , she's being teasy with another guy ( but not flirty). People of course took the hint and "we" are not a subject of gossip anymore.

So, I know , I was a rebound , she's a serial flirter, emotionally unstable, and it was doomed from the start.

I m 39, no children, single, locked down out of any kind of social interactions, I think about suicide everyday, I learned how to tie a hangman noose, and I'm planning to sell my assets before ending it to make it easier for my family when I'm done with life.

I'm taking anti depressant, I took an appointment with a therapist. But I have a long history of failures with women, a difficult childhood with an unloving father and inept mother, so I'm persuaded that I'm not salvageable.

I'm on the path to self destruction. I see no hope. There is nothing for me out there.

thanks for reading me

Edited March 5, 2021 by Alamo657

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Alamo657 said:

  I was in-between relationships as I always am.

Sorry this happened. If you fix this^^, you'll have a lot less problems in or outside of work, and won't fall prey to the office flirt or any other flighty drama queens who toss some attention your way.

[Gaeta]

Please understand you do not want to end your life, you want the pain to stop, and it will stop with a little bit of time. Heartbreaks hurt but not worth losing our life over them. Go to your therapist appointment and go as often as possible. Keep up with your antidepressant they take a while to kick in.  Therapy will help you sort out your feelings and give you the clarity you need to pick better partners. 

 

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, Alamo657 said:

I m 39, no children, single, locked down out of any kind of social interactions, I think about suicide everyday, I learned how to tie a hangman noose, and I'm planning to sell my assets before ending it to make it easier for my family when I'm done with life.

I'm taking anti depressant, I took an appointment with a therapist. But I have a long history of failures with women, a difficult childhood with an unloving father and inept mother, so I'm persuaded that I'm not salvageable.

I'm on the path to self destruction. I see no hope. There is nothing for me out there.

I am so sorry you are hurting but don't apply a permanent solution to a temporary problem.   Take your meds & work with your therapist. 

Ask your boss if you can move offices or at least turn your desk so you are not looking at her. Do not share the reason for the desired change with your boss.  Just make the change.  If there are no open office spaces, ask another co-worker to switch with you. 

Take walk every day.  You need movement & sun on your face. 

The fact that your parents sucked doesn't mean you can't overcome that  My parents sucked too.  I worked through therapy for years & still put one foot in front of the other.  I have bouts  of depression where I can't function but I have learned coping strategies to power through.  You can learn them too. 

One of my go to's is a gratitude journal.  Every morning you write 3 things that you are grateful for.  They can be profound or trivial but they should be relatively different each day, although I admit that my heated mattress pad & down comforter make the rotation a lot in winter   You write 3 more at night.  Once per week you read your journal.  It helps. 

I'll start your list: 

1.  You have a job 

2.  You found love shack

3.  you have assets

4.  You have the money to go on vacation 

5.  you survived the pandemic 

Now you keep going. Hang in there.  You can make good changes happen in your life.