Looking back on infidelity

[pepperbird2]

I'd like to think that we can learn from life experiences, both good and bad.

If you have been a BS , what do you feel you learned from the experience? Do you feel it made you a stronger person?

If you were a WS, what do you feel you learned?

In both cases, if you had to do it all over again, what, if anything would you do differently?

[Harry Korsnes]

I've been a bs twice, first time in my early 20's figured it was most likley puppy love but it tok me a long time to date again (about 4 years) and when i did i probobley did a lot of the wrong things. As the years went on i had few, a marriage that went down the drain with 3 of best kids in the world. I thought i was learning. Then in my early 50's i met the woman i thought was for me yeah right... (older but not wiser) caught her several times (not in the act) ended up leaving . Stayed alone for a while, now i'm in a great relationship with MY miss univers. My kids are all grown and given me 6 grankids, who love me and miss univers. 

Lesson learned. Live life as it is for the most part it turns out for the best. 

Ps. I wouldent change a thing if had to do it again. 

[Harry Korsnes]

1 minute ago, Harry Korsnes said:

I've been a bs twice, first time in my early 20's figured it was most likley puppy love but it tok me a long time to date again (about 4 years) and when i did i probobley did a lot of the wrong things. As the years went on i had few, a marriage that went down the drain with 3 of best kids in the world. I thought i was learning. Then in my early 50's i met the woman i thought was for me yeah right... (older but not wiser) caught her several times (not in the act) ended up leaving . Stayed alone for a while, now i'm in a great relationship with MY miss univers. My kids are all grown and given me 6 grankids, who love me and miss univers. 

Lesson learned. Live life as it is for the most part it turns out for the best. 

Ps. I wouldent change a thing if had to do it again. 

Btw miss univers is populer called Mimmi by the grankids.

[vla1120]

I was the BS, stayed for 18 years after the last time I learned of his infidelity simply because I was pregnant at the time, and I just didn't want to break up the family at that point in our lives. I spent the next 18 years being resentful. Our marriage was not great. I tried marriage counseling multiple times. There were times that he told me I made him feel like a piece of furniture. That's quite possible, since I was always the main breadwinner, always the one going to night school to increase my income potential, all while his main priority was whether he could get off work early to make it in time for his softball game. In hindsight, maybe I would have tried to make him feel less like a piece of furniture, but who knows whether that would have worked. As far as making me stronger, nope. I always had to be the strong one. It would be nice, for once, to meet a man who was the strong one. Hope springs eternal.

[SMoore]

WS.  Massive learning curve, almost all of it learnt after the break up of the affair 9 months ago.  Real and life-changing insight into: love (what it is and what it is not), what women/people say vs what they mean, what attachment is, what heartbreak can trigger, how to deal effectively with depression, the value of family, social structures, obligations, what happens when you act on feelings, how brain chemistry works, what guilt is compared to shame, how to move forward with integrity, what illusions we carry about with us, how important we are compared to how important we think we are....

The list goes on.

Still learning.

Would I do it differently?  I couldn’t have even if I wanted to.  I see my affair like surviving a car crash - nothing I would want to live through again, but hopefully it has taught me to be a better driver.  I feel much more neutral towards it now.

Regrets don’t work.

[mark clemson]

It's possible to feel genuinely in love with the wrong person or at least someone who doesn't fit into your life (and you into theirs).

Some might expect that if it's "true love" then people should/would restructure their life for the other person; but in actuality practical matters very often trump sentiment. And that is true in many areas of life, actually. Not always, but often.

It's possible to "fall back out of love" as well.

[Harry Korsnes]

8 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I'd like to think that we can learn from life experiences, both good and bad.

If you have been a BS , what do you feel you learned from the experience? Do you feel it made you a stronger person?

If you were a WS, what do you feel you learned?

In both cases, if you had to do it all over again, what, if anything would you do differently?

Question..... why are you vasking?

[Harry Korsnes]

3 hours ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Question..... why are you vasking?

Askiing

[DKT3]

I've become a better father and husband,  unfortunately the affair was a major catalyst.  I really believe with good honest conversations i could have got there without it. 

I'm harder, less trusting in almost every situation,  and always question peoples motivations. 

Given opportunity for a redo, I would divorce immediately and make a clean break. Our marriage is very good now...however there was alot of frustration,  second guessing and wondering.  Healthy, happy and in a new relationship has an appeal,  even if I'm happy...point being i would have simply bypassed the opportunity for what we've created for someone or something different...sounds confusing. 

Edited March 6, 2021 by DKT3

[merrmeade]

Oh my god - what did I LEARN?! I went through a couple of lifetimes and have come around full circle.

I've been through the shock of discovery at the extent to which people can delude themselves. It wasn't only discovery of infidelity that shook me to my core, but the relationships that were blown up with it. Family members, "friends" who'd fallen for my husband's charm, heroic self-sacrifice and fake humility had not only deceived me about their relationship with him but also with me. They'd actively and systematically undermined and disrespected me behind my back.

The shock and grief of discovery was followed by a period of grieving the loss of memories and personal history. Past events had to be reviewed and pieced back together as they really had been.

Then, I had to understand why they did what they did. I delved into the psychology behind their actions. It was vital...

... which led to disgust at myself for having been so clueless and easily deceived. 

The next to last stage was realizing that none of it was a loss, especially the people. They cannot understand what they did. They will always need excuses. Living a fake life requires constant reinterpretation so they can live with themselves 

And now that who they really are and what really happened is all straight, I can let them go and have no expectations, need nothing from them. Moreover, the fact that I choose truth and loyalty fills me with gratitude to those who taught me to love honesty, love and humility.

[denwickdroylsden]

BS. Repeat offender. My big discovery after the most recent Dday (8  years ago) was that I was never a safe partner for anyone. Said I was, in the light acted like I was, but in the dark, well. . . .

I am now, but too late to be any good to anyone. There can be no re-do's, of course, but if I could, I would never have married anyone. That would resulted in many fewer victims in the world. 

[merrmeade]

I didn’t answer so what would you do differently part:

LiKe DKT3 I would divorce immediately. If it’s complete what would I do differently proposition, I’d have married someone else the first time.

“What would you have done if you could see into the future” IS the question, right?

I truly believe that it is about the people, the person, the character of the person. I do not believe that the circumstances of affairs happen randomly. . It’s not a disease. It’s not a circumstance. It’s the person.

Edited March 6, 2021 by merrmeade

[understand50]

What would I do differently?  One, I would have taken seriously the statement from a friend at the time, she was having an affair.  I did not, and when it became apparent, she had, getting at the truth was hard.  I do not know if I would have divorced, but the chance that I would have would been much more.  I would have worded harder to get the whole truth, instead of the trickle truth that has happened over the years.  It is not that I have not had fair warning from the time she cheated  when we were first dating.   So looking in the future, I would have not continued with her and gotten married.  On the whole I do not regret my life, just wish parts would have not been as they have.

As for what I have learned?  My wife is capable of cheating, and not very honest, along with been shallow.  She is not the woman, I always thought her to be.   I do not trust her, and tend to not trust anyone, as as ultimately, it seems everyone is capable of all sorts of things. Marriage also take a lot of work, and does not just happen or maintain itself.  I also learned to value truth and honesty above all.  Anything that happened can be worked though.  (most everything) but being thruthfull with each other is the main thing that must happen in a marriage.

 

 

[primer]

Great thread!

Betrayed spouse here. (Not legally a spouse but we had been together ten years and planned the rest of our life together.)

I learned not to be so trustworthy. I learned red flags and boundaries. Prior to me he had a woman living with him. He would hit on me and want to "meet up". I never did it because I knew he was in a relationship. Then the woman moved out and he asked me out. Stupid me - I did not think he would ever betray me.

 

 

[Marc878]

Actions speak the truth. Words don’t.

Edited March 6, 2021 by Marc878

[SRCSRC]

Too many red flags were ignored prior to marriage.  Soon thereafter, my ex-WW began to stray.  I should not have reconciled after discovering her first affair.  I foolishly listened to our MC who provided horrible advice and basically guilted me into returning to the marriage.  Marriage was dead from that point forward.  We did have a child subsequent to her first affair, and he is a great kid.  If I was reliving my life as it were Groundhog Day, I would have allowed events to following their logical course, witness the birth of my child, immediately go after the AP of her second affair before it took place, then divorce her after my son turned three.  She could never change, but I would make my life easier by constantly being vigilant until my son reached an age where I felt comfortable moving for divorce.   She was absolutely the wrong person for me.  My son marvels at how the two of us ever married in the first place.  He is right.  It was a friendship that never should have progressed further than that point.  We both allowed family to influence our choice to marry.  

[Starswillshine]

BS here. I have learned quite a few things. First, my feelings are valid. Period. If something makes me uncomfortable, I am entitled to feel that way. Second, when my gut is yelling at me, listen, it isn't just insecurity. THe whole experience has definitely made me realize how strong I can be. In the first days after all the various D-Days (trickle truth and continued contact), I would clarify myself as anything but. 

As for if I would change anything... In some ways, I would like to think it would have been better to walk away right after D-Day. He was only confessing to texting some woman a plane ride away. I didn't buy the story, but I tried really hard to convince myself that it was the truth. But it wasn't. Everything about the story was a lie. I guess the only truth was it was a woman a plane ride away, but in a different direction. It would have allowed me to start the true healing process much earlier, and I would be closer to the end goal I am trying to pursue right now. On the other hand, I am glad that I tried to has it out for another 18 months. I know I gave it my all, and he simply did not even while claiming he was. I can walk away with a clean conscience in this. It also allowed me to see the true person he really is. Had I left early in discovery, I would not have seen the evil inside him, and I likely would have fallen right back into his trap when the waterworks started with all the promises to do anything he possibly could to win me back. But my xWH is not like a typical WS who was weak. My xWH is a master manipulator and psychopath. I know we like to sling that term around, but when his own psychiatrist puts him high on the spectrum, I feel it is safe to state that he is not a safe partner for anyone. Even now, as he claims to have changed and be this wonderful man, he is still cheating on his current live in. And no doubt telling her, it's all on the up and up, and they are just friends. And she has convinced herself that he would never lie to her, that he wouldn't have gone through the motions of intertwining their lives if he was just going to be cheating right away. Poor girl.  

[Bittersweetie]

I learned so much after being a WS, how I wish I could've learned these lessons without hurting others. I learned that the only person responsible for my happiness is myself. I learned that living honestly and authentically may be harder but it's so much better than living with deceit and lies. I learned that when I am struggling I need to turn toward my husband instead of away from him. I learned to recognize mental gymnastics in myself and others (though I still don't know how to deal with them in others yet). I learned I can do hard things and I can do them in a healthy way.

[Marc878]

On 3/6/2021 at 2:27 PM, SRCSRC said:

Too many red flags were ignored prior to marriage.  Soon thereafter, my ex-WW began to stray.  I should not have reconciled after discovering her first affair.  I foolishly listened to our MC who provided horrible advice and basically guilted me into returning to the marriage.  Marriage was dead from that point forward.  We did have a child subsequent to her first affair, and he is a great kid.  If I was reliving my life as it were Groundhog Day, I would have allowed events to following their logical course, witness the birth of my child, immediately go after the AP of her second affair before it took place, then divorce her after my son turned three.  She could never change, but I would make my life easier by constantly being vigilant until my son reached an age where I felt comfortable moving for divorce.   She was absolutely the wrong person for me.  My son marvels at how the two of us ever married in the first place.  He is right.  It was a friendship that never should have progressed further than that point.  We both allowed family to influence our choice to marry.  

I see horrible acts/advice by MC’s a lot. You have less than a 50% chance of getting a decent one. Some can cause even more damage. That field is full of morons.

Anytime I see posters immediately jump on the MC bandwagon I cringe.

[Caauug]

BS here, 

Lessons Learned:

-Society lies to children when growing up, there is no "Disney dream". Life is not like that, life is not fair. This has left me somewhat bitter. Why can't parents not just tell their kids the truth? Maybe they didn't know themselves. Most people don't want to know the truth, they want to believe only in fairy tales.

-Human nature can explain most actions of most people. Primal instincts. Evolution has had millions of years to make us act the way we do (hard wired). You can only fight it within yourself, you have to work with it in others. This is a huge subject, more I learn, the more I find I don't know..... (I believe most religions talk about human nature if evolution is not your thing).

-Men and women will never be equal, we are too different, we think different, act different, and have different needs and wants. We love different. Equality is a myth!!! The stronger sex is not always who you think it is. Same as apples will never be oranges and oranges will never be apples. Equality is used as a banner for people wanting inequality!!!

-Only believe what you see. Talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words. Be careful of smoke and mirrors. What someone expresses to you that they want may not be what they really need. Giving your partner what they ask for might work against you in the long run. All people play games.

No more comment on this subject. There are many more but they will only draw personal attacks.

[pepperbird2]

What I learned is just how much of a beating a relationship can take and still survive, and in time, thrive.
The paradox of this is I also learned to never, ever trust anyone 100 percent even again. I know that doesn't sound like it meshes with the first statement, but it is how I feel.

One point that it really drove home is there is a difference between putting one foot in front of the other and real strength. I excel at the first- I always have. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact. there's times when it's essential. I needed to learn that it was okay to stop that and to admit i needed help. There's times when that is where real strength lies.

[pepperbird2]

On 3/5/2021 at 7:31 PM, Harry Korsnes said:

Question..... why are you vasking?

Just interest...

[Harry Korsnes]

7 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Just interest...

Hehe the question was why are you asking? 

[pepperbird2]

17 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Hehe the question was why are you asking? 

That's my answer. I'm interested in hearing other people's views and stories. There's a lot of viewpoints.

[Harry Korsnes]

Yes there are alot of viewpoints. Unfortunaly i feel in a way my life turned out great compaired whith some of people on here.