Looking back on infidelity

[Caauug]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

there is a difference between putting one foot in front of the other and real strength.

I agree... Sometimes you have to stand still and let the other one walk away. Not everyone chooses the same path, when the one you love chooses a path you do not want to go on, you have to stand your ground and let them go, this takes strength. Putting one foot in front of the other is progressing but maybe not in your best direction. 

Edited March 11, 2021 by Caauug
spelling

[Harry Korsnes]

46 minutes ago, Caauug said:

I agree... Sometimes you have to stand still and let the other one walk away. Not everyone chooses the same path, when the one you love chooses a path you do not want to go on, you have to stand your ground and let them go, this takes strength. Putting one foot in front of the other is progressing but maybe not in your best direction. 

And a lot of self reflicting under ways. 

[merrmeade]

3 hours ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Yes there are alot of viewpoints. Unfortunaly i feel in a way my life turned out great compaired whith some of people on here. 

Can you explain a little more? What made it great? Compared to what? Why? (Sorry for the prompts if you don't need them. I'm a teacher.)

[Harry Korsnes]

21 hours ago, merrmeade said:

Can you explain a little more? What made it great? Compared to what? Why? (Sorry for the prompts if you don't need them. I'm a teacher.)

What made it great? When i look back to my early 20's when who i thought who was the love of my life cheated on me to how things are now. Thats why i feel lucky and thats great.

Compared to what? What if we had a child or two? Would she still have cheated? Maybe, maybe not. As far as i know she ended up as a single mom. Compared to that i feel im much better off now.

Why? Wow thats a good one. Like my coment to Caauug i did a lot of self reflicting under ways. Eaven though i was cheated on once more 30 years later, (stupid right.) The why is if was to do it again i would do it exactly the same if it ended up the way my life is now, another why is bc of all that is WHY things turned out the way they did. 3 great kids and 6 grand kids. Oh. Yeah of corse mye miss univers. 

Ps. Teachers are great . ( im a carpenter. )

[Harry Korsnes]

22 hours ago, merrmeade said:

Can you explain a little more? What made it great? Compared to what? Why? (Sorry for the prompts if you don't need them. I'm a teacher.)

And another thing. I read a lot of pain and anger on here, life's to short for that. 

[merrmeade]

59 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

What made it great? When i look back to my early 20's when who i thought who was the love of my life cheated on me to how things are now. Thats why i feel lucky and thats great.

Wow, I wish I could say that. I think how different my life would’ve been had I KNOWN in my early 20s that my husband of one year was cheating on me for the first (but not the last) time. I resent that the most - the loss of autonomy in deciding my fate. I never had the choice to dump his sorry ass early on.

[Harry Korsnes]

30 minutes ago, merrmeade said:

Wow, I wish I could say that. I think how different my life would’ve been had I KNOWN in my early 20s that my husband of one year was cheating on me for the first (but not the last) time. I resent that the most - the loss of autonomy in deciding my fate. I never had the choice to dump his sorry ass early on.

Sorry to hear. Hope things turned out great for you? 

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, merrmeade said:

Wow, I wish I could say that. I think how different my life would’ve been had I KNOWN in my early 20s that my husband of one year was cheating on me for the first (but not the last) time. I resent that the most - the loss of autonomy in deciding my fate. I never had the choice to dump his sorry ass early on.

There are some days I wish for this type of information earlier. But it would have likely led to a change in my life much earlier on. Which would have likely changed the kids I have, the financial security,  etc. 

Its the butterfly effect. I can only regret and feel sorry for the pain that was caused by my ex's affair. Otherwise, I am very happy things turned out the way they did. 

[Harry Korsnes]

9 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

There are some days I wish for this type of information earlier. But it would have likely led to a change in my life much earlier on. Which would have likely changed the kids I have, the financial security,  etc. 

Its the butterfly effect. I can only regret and feel sorry for the pain that was caused by my ex's affair. Otherwise, I am very happy things turned out the way they did. 

Liked your first paragraf and the last sentance👍😀

[merrmeade]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

There are some days I wish for this type of information earlier. But it would have likely led to a change in my life much earlier on. Which would have likely changed the kids I have, the financial security,  etc. 

Its the butterfly effect. I can only regret and feel sorry for the pain that was caused by my ex's affair. Otherwise, I am very happy things turned out the way they did. 

Yeah you’re right. Can’t regret those kids. Wouldn’t change them for anything. That’s the up side. For one thing, my kids have my values in this area. They embrace truth with loyalty in relationships and monogamy as a contract, an investment. They throw themselves into making their investment grow and improve the lives of all it touches. They make it a commitment to offspring and opportunity for growth. For another, their clear values and self-awareness show my husband it can be taught. 

[Harry Korsnes]

1 hour ago, merrmeade said:

Yeah you’re right. Can’t regret those kids. Wouldn’t change them for anything. That’s the up side. For one thing, my kids have my values in this area. They embrace truth with loyalty in relationships and monogamy as a contract, an investment. They throw themselves into making their investment grow and improve the lives of all it touches. They make it a commitment to offspring and opportunity for growth. For another, their clear values and self-awareness show my husband it can be taught. 

That i can give a👍on that.

[Birdies]

I was a WS.  I learned that I was able to justify really crappy behavior due to an inherent selfishness, even though I acted like and considered myself a caring, empathetic person.

I also learned that problems in a marriage need to be addressed and dealt with even when that's difficult, rather than ignoring them and hoping they'd go away.

I'm actually married to my AP/MM now and the introspection we've both done has made our marriage really strong. 

[pepperbird2]

On 3/11/2021 at 10:44 AM, Caauug said:

I agree... Sometimes you have to stand still and let the other one walk away. Not everyone chooses the same path, when the one you love chooses a path you do not want to go on, you have to stand your ground and let them go, this takes strength. Putting one foot in front of the other is progressing but maybe not in your best direction. 

true enough. I don't like needing help, but I learned it's okay to ask for it. The trust part I still struggle with sometimes. I don't tend to trust people, but I made an exception for my spouse, so it really hurt when that was broken. It wasn't really a pride thing as much as it was that it took what I thought my life was and turned it upside down. Reality became very different.

In my case, my spouse's affair was relatively short- I can only imagine how much worse it word be for a BS with a spouse who had a long term affair.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I am neither a BS nor a WS but I wanted to weigh in on this topic from an entirely different perspective than that of a BS/WS, who having been in a situation of infidelity, have been affected rather deeply by it and will always have a subjective view of it. My view is likely to be objective, in that, I have not experienced the rather strong emotions that accompany a situation involving infidelity.

My view about lessons learnt from situations involving infidelity is based on a metaphysical underpinning of our existence here on Earth. I know that a majority of folks pooh pooh the idea of a metaphysical dimension of our existence but I will assume for the purpose of this post that the folks on here would " Lend me their ears" so say and hear me out.

My thinking based on what I have read elsewhere is that all of us come down to Earth in groups of related souls, having consensually decided to help each other in achieving the goal of learning life lessons which help us in the advancement of our souls. These lessons can be hard and painful ones and indeed, the harder and more painful they are, the greater is the value of the lesson that we learn in our time on Earth. This line of thinking of course, presumes that our souls reincarnate and that every time we return to Earth, we learn new lessons which ensure our souls grow or advance and this process repeats itself till our souls have achieved the degree of development that the Earth can offer, after which we attain Nirvana and have no further need for returning here. Of course not all souls have the wherewith all to learn a particularly hard lesson in one lifetime and it is destined to keep returning to the Earth till it has fully internalized the object of that lesson. Just to be clear, the decision to return to the Earth is a voluntary one, taken by the soul itself and is not a forced decision. However, further progress of the soul can only take place if a lesson has been fully internalized by the soul.

I think it was William Shakespeare who, in one of his plays, said that all the worlds' a stage and we come here to play our part and then move on. I think Shakespeare was psychically inclined because he had the right idea. So if you folk consider yourselves to be actors, in a metaphysical play, just playing your part and exiting the stage on cue( passing on), then if you consider that the other actors( your relatives, parents, siblings, spouses and friends)are there to help you play your part, you will realize that whatever they do is already scripted in the greater scheme of things and everyone is just playing their part. When it is all done and over with, everyone goes home( The Afterlife) and the souls get some much needed R and R before they venture put for the next class(Reincarnation).

Looked at from this point of view, whatever one has suffered especially in case of infidelity, is a learning lesson for one's soul. One's body is just a vehicle but one's soul is the occupant of the vehicle. When the body dies, the soul returns yo the afterlife to be reborn(if it so decides) in another body. The just and anguish and other strong emotions we feel while in our bodies are lessons for the soul to internalize but these are not part of the soul's own experience. Rather, the soul is an observer, learning it's lessons without being involved in the raw emotions that our bodies experience. In closing I would say that each of you who have suffered the dire effects of infidelity, have done yeoman service for your souls. In the end you should be happy with yourselves, rather than carry a bitterness around with you, because, just as actors play a part in a play or a movie and realistically portray the character they are playing but are not actually those characters in real life and having played their part in that play or movie, go on to play the part of other characters, you folk too, ate playing a part in a grand and ebrt evolving play. You will return to play other parts and the process will go on. So in s nutshell, I would urge all of you to be happy with your lives and not to have regrets. You have played your part well, maybe won a metaphysical Oscar and will move on to other successes. Warm wishes.

[notbroken]

I learned that I personally can not get over infidelity and stay with someone afterwards.  It just isn't in me and I now have absolutely zero tolerance for that or any other sort of significant lie.   Also learned that there are way worse things than divorce.   A failed divorce includes staying together when you should split.    I no longer believe in "staying together for the kids".   It doesn't actually benefit them and in fact can destroy their ability to have good relationships in the future too.   Better to have two happy families than one bad one.    Divorce is hard but it is better than staying when you shouldn't.   I learned not to be so hard on myself.  Identify your failings, learn from them, forgive them and move on.   Don't wallow in your pain.   It'll last longer.  Trust yourself and common sense.   People are quite capable of lying and even absolutely believing their own BS.    A lie repeated enough times becomes the truth to them.  They have to be able to look themselves in the mirror so will rewrite history and make you the bad guy regardless of the facts sometimes.    There were many, many lessons in it but those were the most significant ones.     

[seren]

It’s 13 years since my husband told me about his 8 month affair, we’re still together, it’s our 36 year anniversary soon. I relate so strongly with a lot of what pepperbird says. The not trusting people, the not asking for help and always being the one others lean on.

my H is x military, when he had the A he’d served 22 years at times in terrible places. I was in a very good professional job, I studied so hard to get where I was, the plan was I would continue to work and  he could be the stay at home person, he encouraged me, was so proud of me. We were that couple, the one’s who still liked, laughed, held hands and loved. We preferred our own company, he was my best friend as well as my lover and husband. I trusted him absolutely, totally, not just with us, but with me, trust is a big thing for me.

I became ill with a chronic disease, things changed, I couldn’t go to the gym anymore, I had down days, but still I never saw the affair coming. When he told me I was totally blindsided, yet it all made sense. I thought he was stressed, seems he was, he had and has chronic combat stress, one of the common ways people cope is to shut down what’s good and lead destructive lives. That’s how he describes the affair.

I didn’t hate him, I hated the affair, I still loved him and, oddly, he loved me, he hated what he’d done and himself.

I wish I hadn’t made excuses for his behaviour up to and during the affair, I put it down to stress and was waiting for him to open up. A few times I’d asked if he was seeing someone else, I told him if he wanted to leave I’d help him to sort things out, I just wanted him to be happy. I wish I’d paid more attention to my needs, my happiness.

After he told me I couldn’t function properly for months, I threw up driving past her house, I feared bumping into her as I knew I’d throttle her. I was off work for months with stress.  I wish I’d trusted someone enough to be vulnerable and ask for help, other than my GP who thought my husband was insane. It didn’t help.

I wish I’d insisted my H had professional help before he finally did, it’s helped a lot.

I spent too long thinking about why her? It was never about her, I said to phone and give her closure, he walked away without a thought. It was never really about me either.  Through counselling I learned that our life, our love, my successful career, him not coping with my illness, the horrific time he had on one tour in Iraq all created this feeling for him, of not feeling good enough, not deserving to be so happy.  I wish I’d paid more attention to the signs,

It’s been a hard journey to where we are, but, I wouldn’t change who and where we are now. I still love the bones of this man, he shows me every day how he loves me, sadly he still cannot forgive himself and he continues counselling, but it’s a lot easier.

I hate affairs, they’re so damned destructive and disrespectful. I miss my blind faith in love, I’ll never say never, it’s also changed my recollection of my marriage history,  leaving would have been easier. I balanced how life would be if I left to my staying, I knew I’d always love  H and he me, my view still remains that. I don’t regret staying. It’s my H I feel sorry for, he still feels such guilt and doesn’t like that man he was for that time. We work on it.

[merrmeade]

On 3/18/2021 at 10:40 AM, notbroken said:

  People are quite capable of lying and even absolutely believing their own BS.    A lie repeated enough times becomes the truth to them.  They have to be able to look themselves in the mirror so will rewrite history and make you the bad guy regardless of the facts sometimes.   

THAT *^^ is what blew my world apart   — the shock and shame of having been so blind not to have suspected. I'm actually not .sorry to have  been awakened from that colossal ignorance. People lie to protect themselves. All people. Now I’m cynical and know what to expect. 

Edited April 9, 2021 by merrmeade

[S2B]

On 3/12/2021 at 11:33 AM, merrmeade said:

Yeah you’re right. Can’t regret those kids. Wouldn’t change them for anything. That’s the up side. For one thing, my kids have my values in this area. They embrace truth with loyalty in relationships and monogamy as a contract, an investment. They throw themselves into making their investment grow and improve the lives of all it touches. They make it a commitment to offspring and opportunity for growth. For another, their clear values and self-awareness show my husband it can be taught. 

Did you divorce your husband? I don’t remember what action you took after discovering the infidelity.

[merrmeade]

On 4/9/2021 at 3:09 AM, S2B said:

Did you divorce your husband? I don’t remember what action you took after discovering the infidelity.

No.

[serial muse]

I was a BS. I don't regret any actions that I took post-discovery day - when the veil was lifted I saw things pretty clearly and realized it wasn't going to work out. We divorced and that was the right call. No regrets there. 

The bits that have left scars have more to do with how I see/saw myself. I went through a self-loathing phase, decided my instincts must be terrible, that I must be fundamentally unlovable, etc. etc.

Took a long time to come around to the fact that no, my instincts were fine but there were choices I made before marrying him that I would make differently now. I knew that he had a history of cheating/monkey-branching (reaching out for the nearest available person to get away from the person he was still with) and that it wasn't something he had really faced up to. I knew that he tended to justify these behaviors in a way that didn't ring true. But I was really caught up in the idea that he would be different with me. I think that, with time and maturity, I have really internalized the truism - cliched as it is - that people don't change for another person, they have to change for themselves. I had made a choice to trust him because I wanted the movie narrative, and while I'm no longer mad at myself over that, I think that I would choose very differently now. 

Nowadays I'm working at trusting my instincts more. I felt that he was untrustworthy, but didn't want him to be, so I squashed that feeling. Sometimes your heart knows better than your head. And it's OK to listen to and be guided by those instincts, even when people (and your own head) are telling you "just give him a chance". Even if you really like the person, and it's hard to point to a concrete reason why you're feeling concerned. Walking away from the "fairytale" is OK. My instincts are actually pretty sound. That's my takeaway.  

Edited April 23, 2021 by serial muse

[colingrant]

I learned if you can't be happy alone or don't know your worth, you're f'd because it you have no options if you don't possess inner peace and happiness or self worthy.  If leaving a WS because you can't or don't believe there's another person in the world for you or because being by yourself is worse than being with a cheating spouse you succumb to subordinating yourself and place one's emotional future and happiness in someone else's hands.

With infidelity, this means reconciling at all costs,  not because one wants to but because they feel they should for reasons already stated.   I'm convinced many who stay for various reasons remain with WS not because of love or kids, but because of fear. Fear of being by one's self. Fear the kids will not be raised well (a few are valid). Fear that the will lose too much money (some are valid) and other fears. One thing they don't fear is they don't fear not being unhappy with these choices.