Mixing work and pleasure. Thoughts?

[Starry_eyed]

Hey peeps,

I'm writing about this because it's a new situation for me and I'm feeling a bit unsure. I started working for a company in November and the work has been 100% online due to the current situation. There is this male colleague who caught my eye. I think the appeal initially was higher because I'm single, overworked in a lockdown (=limited dating or opportunities to meet someone) and yeah he wasn't bad looking.

I didn't think about him after that but we had a work meeting (meetings are always video calls) and ended up chatting informally for a bit, it was easy and nice. I realised I now fancy him and out of nowhere I found myself getting really nervous to talk to him and as much as I tried to control my nerves it affected the flow of conversation for a couple of meetings which followed. I'm conscious some of the heightened emotion might be due to the external situation (limited interaction during lockdown etc), it makes me wonder what is and isn't real emotion. When we talked though, I felt connected and noticed he mirrors me a lot but I could be imagining something between us because he never showed other signs of interest, e.g. finding opportunities to have meetings together.

Since then, unxpectedly a great job opportunity came my way which I can't refuse and I'm leaving my job. I emailed him and he said 'No! Don't leave!!'. He meant it in a professional way I believe and I ended up booking in an informal chat with him. I have never been great with mixing personal and professional but we unexpectedly opened up a bit and had a really nice chat, he is moving at the mo, he asked me questions about me. I told him the chat was really nice and it is nice to be able to have this kind of interaction, I want to get better at not being 100% serious at work all the time. He then suggested we can do this again the next day. I wasn't expecting him to say so soon but I booked something in. That was today. We had another chat and it is very clear that we have had these two meetings just to talk with eachother in a non-professional capacity. We spoke today about religion (he's Christian), he asked me questions, I spoke about my beliefs, general chit chat, he writes music in his spare time, hobbies etc. Maybe they're just friendly chats during an isolating time?

Whether this is friendly or more, I've never mixed work and pleasure to this extent before. I can't remember the last time I had 1:1 convo with a man on a personal level. I probably wouldn't be letting this happen if I was staying at this company. I'm trying to enjoy being out of my comfort zone and go with the flow but I feel like I need to manage my own and his expectations or my brain can start creating narratives. All I know is that I enjoy hanging out with him but have reservations if it was to develop because he is conservative Christian and I'm spiritual but not religious which I'm not sure he really gets. He wants to leave the city and one of his destination options is not where I would want to live. I know this getting very far ahead but I need to think about these things to stay realistic and not get carried away with emotion. I also don't know if he likes me or not. Or whether he can even date me because of his faith, I know his ex from a few years ago went to same church with him.

Would welcome thoughts? I've written all my thoughts out here which I'm aware make me sound like I'm overthinking but I'm actually trying to keep myself as chill as possible, promise 😄

Edited March 5, 2021 by Starry_eyed

[mark clemson]

Speaking generally, dating co-workers tends to be a bad idea due to the risks involved. There are many folks who won't do it, period, as a blanket policy for this reason.

Leaving the job for the new one sounds like the best option because  a) it's what it sounds like you should be doing anyhow and would be doing without this love interest involved and  b) since you will no longer be co-workers you can date (or at least ask him out on a date and see what he says) without taking the risks of dating a co-worker.

[Starry_eyed]

Yeah, I have always thought the same, this was unexpected and I've let myself relax the rules because I know I'm leaving. I'm not sure if he even fancies me or is just being friendly, I guess I also wanted to know what it sounds like to people other than myself. It's a tricky situation to navigate in a workplace setting!

Edited March 6, 2021 by Starry_eyed

[Foxhall]

Sounds like you have good rapport,

nice to meet someone you get along easily with,

Id say give this a chance and see where it goes.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/5/2021 at 6:34 PM, Starry_eyed said:

We spoke today about religion (he's Christian),  I enjoy hanging out with him but have reservations if it was to develop because he is conservative Christian 😄

It's nice to make friends at work. However you are not dating.

Have you ever googled "flirt to convert"?

[Starry_eyed]

My mind keeps thinking 'what it this? Is this friendly or is he interested? Do I want to take a risk and explore this if he is interested? Would he try to convert me if we dated?' I've dated someone who was of another faith a few years ago and it complicated things but I'm trying not to project that experience onto this one. I probably just need to try my best to go with it and see what happens @Foxhall,  this is a new way of potentially getting to know someone and I'm out of my comfort zone.

I'm also learning quite a lot about myself here and it's unpleasant truth. After reflecting on the conversation, when we were talking I was plugging my skills, achievements and charity work I do into the conversation, like I was trying to impress him/insecure. I need to be more conscious of this in future and stop feeling the need to prove/explain myself, have more confidence to be me whether that is something he is attracted to or not. Let him ask what he wants to know. That behaviour wasn't because of him, that was all me and my internal issues. Even if I don't explore this romantically I think talking with him will be a learning experience for me.

@Wiseman2 I've never heard of that, thanks, I googled it and it could be a possibility. However we speak about a lot of things outside of religion and I brought up the conversation of religion after he mentioned the bible. He asked me about my family's religion and what they believe. Who knows, I will try my best to friendzone him in my head for now.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said:

 

@Wiseman2 I've never heard of that, thanks, I googled it and it could be a possibility. However we speak about a lot of things outside of religion and I brought up the conversation of religion after he mentioned the bible. He asked me about my family's religion and what they believe. Who knows, I will try my best to friendzone him in my head for now.

Proselytizing and  networking come to mind from the description more so than dating, so friendzone is a good idea 

[Starry_eyed]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Proselytizing and  networking come to mind from the description more so than dating, so friendzone is a good idea 

Not gonna lie, the thought of that is scaring me a little! If he is doing that I don't think I'm the kind of character to be vulnerable to it but def helps me friendzone him in my mind. Thanks @Wiseman2!

[Starry_eyed]

Update - so we have been video chatting every few days in between meetings and the conversation was free-flowing and natural. He has flirted a little and given me signs that he was interested and I decided to let it happen with the proselytisation stuff at the back of my mind always. After a call last week he said he wanted to keep in contact after I leave and I have him my number. He messaged me, silly talk, messing around then I didn't reply because there was nothing for me to say. Next day at work everything is fine, we don't have a video call until a few days later because I was super busy. That meeting was last Friday. It was terrible. We couldn't think of anything to say, I think we were both in a similar position, the more we were trying to think of what to say the worse it got. The awkwardness made me anxious and I started oversharing not being myself. It makes me cringe. I was chatting rubbish just for the sake of not sitting in silence. During that call he sent me vid on WhatsApp and I said I would watch it later. I ended up not watching it until 6 hours later because I was busy and he knows how crazy my work schedule is. After I replied he seemed completely disinterested in talking, perhaps even cold.

Today I decided to give him a sign I'm interested in case he was feeling uncertain about how I feel and sent him a message asking about his weekend. He replied hours later which was fine and seemed alright until we were talking about my departure and we both said we would miss talking to eachother. I decided to send an audio message saying I liked him and I asked what he thought about that. I expected either a yes (=I like you too) or no (=rejection). Instead he basically said he likes our chats and that 'we've got some chemistry'. I responded with a joke then he said something flirty back, I sent a flirty reply and he sent a half arsed boring comment which I didn't reply to, it shut down the conversation. He was totally not opening the conversation up, he seemed chilled and disinterested. He is neither keen or behaviourally suggesting he's interested and I don't like it. All I needed was a 'I like you too' or a gentle rejection

I feel empowered and proud of myself for putting myself out there and telling a guy I like him but at the same time I feel a pang of pain from the rejection. Yet I'm not 100% certain it's a rejection and the grey area is a s*** place to be in because I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.

I have my last week of work and I'm unable to sleep. Nervous about having to be in meetings with him but worse come to worse I just need to get through next few days then I don't need to interact again. This sucks. 

Edited March 22, 2021 by Starry_eyed

[mark clemson]

JMO, but it sounds like, because you're attracted (and perhaps due to anxiety issues?), you're overthinking this. Try to stay calm - there are other fish in the sea. Consider, before you leave, letting him know that you'd like to go out on a date with him, e.g. as soon as you're settled in at your new job. If you do this and he asks whether it's a "romantic" date then explain that yes, it would be. You'll get your yes or no answer at that point I suspect.  Proselytizing may be correct, so there is always that possibility.

If anxiety is an issue for you, consider speaking to a doctor or therapist.

[Starry_eyed]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts @mark clemson. I'm generally a bit anxious at the moment - tomorrow I leave my job, moving straight into another job, no break. I also have a second job so I'm stretched. A lot of change and not much time to process it. Then there is the guy who I feel a little something for, so I have been going for long walks every day to help me to be present.

At work he seems okay, I think he does me extra favours which makes me think he might like me but today he has been a little distant, as have I, to be fair. I am feeling really sad about leaving and I think he might be a bit sad too. We haven't spoken about plans after I leave yet. I told him I like him, as mentioned in my last message, so I guess the ball is in his court if he wants to pursue things once I leave. I feel like he likes me but not enough to do anything about it. At the moment I'm preparing for the possibility that after my last day tomorrow this nice relationship we have formed may end and that is sad. He is about 6 years older than me and seems confident so I think if I don't hear anything that's a clear hint.

[mark clemson]

7 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said:

I feel like he likes me but not enough to do anything about it. At the moment I'm preparing for the possibility that after my last day tomorrow this nice relationship we have formed may end and that is sad. He is about 6 years older than me and seems confident so I think if I don't hear anything that's a clear hint.

Women have a tendency to communicate indirectly. Sometimes so indirectly that the guy doesn't "get it".

I think YOU should consider taking the bull by the horns and asking for his number and telling him you plan on calling him once you're settled in at the new job and asking him out on a date. He may say no or sure but that it's just friendship, etc. Then you know for sure.

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said:

 tomorrow I leave my job, moving straight into another job, no break.

Connect to all these people on LinkedIn or equivalent social media. That way, when you are no longer in the same workplace, they have your contact info, without being very direct.

[Starry_eyed]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Women have a tendency to communicate indirectly. Sometimes so indirectly that the guy doesn't "get it".

I think YOU should consider taking the bull by the horns and asking for his number and telling him you plan on calling him once you're settled in at the new job and asking him out on a date. He may say no or sure but that it's just friendship, etc. Then you know for sure.

Hmm I gave him my number after he asked what was the best way to get me after I leave. Last Sunday I told him I liked him, in our personal time, via an audio message on WhatsApp. He texted me back that he thought we had some chemistry. I feel like I've given him a clear indication but we haven't messaged on WhatsApp for a couple of days now. Today at work he called me to chat about work (I think also to speak with me generally) and really helped me out with something he didn't have to, at his own inconvenience. I wonder if he's just being a generally nice guy or more. I was stressed and realise now that I started talking immediately about work. After that he seems to have switched a bit professional, not making chit chat with me as normal. Maybe I'm reading into nothing or maybe he isn't wanting to pursue anything. I don't know whether to leave the ball in his court or try again, but I feel like trying to get a guys attention after you tell him you like him is a sign he probably doesn't like me.

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Connect to all these people on LinkedIn or equivalent social media. That way, when you are no longer in the same workplace, they have your contact info, without being very direct.

I have his WhatsApp and will send an email out to the team tomorrow with my personal contact details 

[Dis]

Aren't you leaving your job anyway?

 

Plenty of people meet each other at work and end up in a relationship...although it does back fire for some if the relationship ends

 

He seems semi interested, IMO

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

I have his WhatsApp and will send an email out to the team tomorrow with my personal contact details 

Perfect. Wait until you are settled in the new job, then catch up and see where it leads.

[d0nnivain]

IMO you did not really mix business & pleasure.  You didn't make your feelings known until after you already had a new job.  

I don't know what this guy's deal is.  Sounds a bit like he's not as single as he as he led on.  He enjoyed the talks at work but there were boundaries for him, it was a workplace only flirtation.  But once you became truly available he backed off  

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

 After that he seems to have switched a bit professional, not making chit chat with me as normal. Maybe I'm reading into nothing or maybe he isn't wanting to pursue anything. I don't know whether to leave the ball in his court or try again, but I feel like trying to get a guys attention after you tell him you like him is a sign he probably doesn't like me.

Totally fair points.

There are "signs" and there is "surety". If you ask him out and he declines, that's surety. If you ask him out (after you leave the job) and you guys start dating, that's a sign this is/could be more. If you are scared he'll say no, that's understandable, but the worst that can happen then is that you'll perhaps feel rejected for a while, but you'll also be at your new job with a clean slate and can go find others (presumably not at work) etc.

[Starry_eyed]

12 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

IMO you did not really mix business & pleasure.  You didn't make your feelings known until after you already had a new job.  

I don't know what this guy's deal is.  Sounds a bit like he's not as single as he as he led on.  He enjoyed the talks at work but there were boundaries for him, it was a workplace only flirtation.  But once you became truly available he backed off  

 

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Totally fair points.

There are "signs" and there is "surety". If you ask him out and he declines, that's surety. If you ask him out (after you leave the job) and you guys start dating, that's a sign this is/could be more. If you are scared he'll say no, that's understandable, but the worst that can happen then is that you'll perhaps feel rejected for a while, but you'll also be at your new job with a clean slate and can go find others (presumably not at work) etc.

This is a really weird situation because I started this job during the pandemic and all our interactions are via video call, we've not met in real life. Today was my last day, it has been emotional. He messaged me an hour into my work morning to say he reckons it's time for me to put my feet up. I was in meetings for a few hours so didn't reply but it turned out my colleagues surprised me and turned up in a meeting to chat and wish me well. He was there too.

That afternoon I had a moment to message him back and said we should have one last call for old time's sake. He said definitely and suggested a time towards end of the day. We spoke and it was alright but he misunderstood something I said as me wanting to cut the call short and started saying this really formal stuff about it being pleasure working together and I said I feel like we're saying goodbye. In light hearted chit chat he said I'll have to find someone at my new company to have chats with. I wonder if that comment was him trying to give me the hint that he's not interested? I was expecting him to mention something about contact beyond work but he didn't, so I said sorry if I made him feel uncomfortable the other week (when I told him I liked him) and he said it didn't and he was glad I was open with him. Nothing else. The bye was awkward. I left the call feeling a bit sad and confused because it was a terrible ending to our chat, especially after his message last week saying he thought we had some chemistry and considering all the time and help he has given me.

After this call I ended up asking him if he could call me back before he clocks off. He was not short of things to do but called me. I told him I didn't want to keep this on my mind beyond today and wanted to understand whether this is purely friendship for him, which is okay if it is, we have cool conversations and I have really enjoyed them, but after telling him about my feelings, I wanted to know what he thought. He told me likes talking with me, we have a good 'vibe' and he would like to talk more but we haven't met in real life, he doesn't know more than that. He did say it would be good to meet if I would like that at some point and he would like to keep talking to me. I think I can agree with that. I said I don't want things to change, we just keep getting to know eachother without expectations but I just wanted to know his thoughts...I don't think he was shying away from telling me he only liked me as a friend but I could be wrong.

I still don't feel right and I don't know why...I appreciate him not raising my expectations but I'm a bit confused. Am I overthinking this? I'm trying so hard not to. He hasn't messaged me since work which is not necessarily bad and I know I can message him if I want, but I feel like I told him my feelings last week and checked in with him today about his thoughts. I think this is the max effort I'm willing to put in at this point in time, I'm not going to chase him. I want to see if he comes to me now, give me a sign that he is willingly reaching out. I think that's reasonable? Today has been such a long, emotional day!

Edited March 27, 2021 by Starry_eyed

[mark clemson]

This is the problem with "hints," indirect communication, "detective work," and not taking emotional risks. It's hard to be sure. (And that's on BOTH of you IMO.)

My thought would be to text him next week, tell him you'd like to set up a time to go out (e.g. Fri or Sat) and see if he accepts. Then you can take it from there. If that's too much "chasing" I suppose you can wait to see what he does. It's possible you'll be waiting a long time.

Another way to look at this would be that whatever this is, it's too "half-assed" to be worth bothering with and you should drop it and look for greener pastures. There's nothing wrong with that approach, but it doesn't sound like it's what you actually want to do.

[d0nnivain]

So keep talking to him but don't put all your eggs in his basket

[Starry_eyed]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

This is the problem with "hints," indirect communication, "detective work," and not taking emotional risks. It's hard to be sure. (And that's on BOTH of you IMO.)

My thought would be to text him next week, tell him you'd like to set up a time to go out (e.g. Fri or Sat) and see if he accepts. Then you can take it from there. If that's too much "chasing" I suppose you can wait to see what he does. It's possible you'll be waiting a long time.

Another way to look at this would be that whatever this is, it's too "half-assed" to be worth bothering with and you should drop it and look for greener pastures. There's nothing wrong with that approach, but it doesn't sound like it's what you actually want to do.

 

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

So keep talking to him but don't put all your eggs in his basket

Hmm yeah, thanks for your thoughts, telling him outright how I felt and asking him what he thinks on my last day really pushed me out of my comfort zone but I'm glad I did it because my expectations and thoughts are better managed and not running away.

He sent me a pic this morning of his desk because he was having to work. I was out for most of today so I told him I would message him later. We exchanged a few messages, he doesn't ask so many questions but he did willingly share things like what he was up to today, songs and pics. I asked questions and where applicable he did reciprocate.

I had a really good day out today with a friend and focusing on other things has calmed me emotionally. I'm attracted from a distance but in real life I might not be attracted (he might not like me too). If I ask him out it will be to 'hang out' rather than anything romantic. I look forward to the idea of that, even if just as friends.

I won't put all my eggs in his basket and hope my emotions remain this balanced, I've got a lot of other changes to look forward to even if this doesn't work out!

[Starry_eyed]

Update on this situation. We have been chatting casually, he called me last Tuesday and mentioned he was going to be away for the weekend just gone. He mentioned he was exploring properties, he is considering moving hours away, back to his home. I knew about this and that he's not sure about it at this stage. Today I suggested a phonecall and we spoke before bed on the phone for a little over 1.5 hours.

At some point in the convo I asked him about what he was thinking about me and he said he does think we have chemistry, he finds our banter fun, he definitely finds me attractive, there is no doubt about that, looks aren't sole importance for him though and we haven't met etc so things might not vibe as well in person, neither of us know. He likes getting to know eachother naturally and see what happens. I can't disagree with that.

I didn't tell him this but at some point I was a little frustrated because he asked me what my week is looking like and then told me about all these plans he has to travel into the city one day to meet a female friend from an old workplace and another colleague for a beer...I couldn't help but think what about meeting me??...later he mentioned that he was going to ask on the day he was in the city but had all these plans. He also mentioned earlier in the convo he was a little stressed because he had quite a lot of social things booked in. He said he would like to meet on another day if I would like that, I said that would be nice. That was it, no actual plan made. There is a cynical part of me which wonders whether this is something I need to be wary of or not. I need to take things at face value but sometimes it is hard because he could be stringing me along. I also started wondering who this female ex-colleague/friend was and why he is travelling all the way into the city to meet her...I know...I just need to trust him and it's not my place to ask questions at this point. Is it wrong for me to want him to proactively arrange a time to meet, is it unfair for me to put this on him? I feel like I need him to take control, I've taken control a few times with proposing a call today and telling him I liked him in the first place...I don't know what is or is not unreasonable for me to do/expect

Another thing. At some point I asked him how old he was and he wanted me to guess. In the end after beating around the bush we have a 12 year age gap, I'm in my 30s he is in his 40s. I think he was trying to figure out whether it affected my feelings or not. For me it's not really a big deal at this stage, I probably have questions I will want to ask around having children etc when the time is right.

I can't sleep again but writing this out and sharing will hopefully help. This is taking some of my attention away from my new job which is not good, I'm extremely aware of that.

Edited April 6, 2021 by Starry_eyed

[d0nnivain]

Him not asking you out at this point is not a great sign.  IMO you have left the door wide open.  If he's not walking through you have to assume he doesn't want & stop putting all your eggs in his basket.  Find somebody else to date.  

[glows]

He's not as interested as you are. The energy here is funky as all hell. He tells you just enough to keep you hooked but doesn't ask you out on a date.

You've done everything aside from proposing to this man, buying the rings and having his babies: told him your feelings, told him your thoughts, invited him to tell you about his feelings, set up phone calls, invited him to call you, talked about your plans during the week and he has still not asked you out. AND. His reasoning for being hesitant is that he hasn't met you in person. 

GURL. 

This is no good. You are not wrong for wanting a man to take more of a lead. You have led and led and led. Take a breather, chat with other guys, meet others. Dial this back, way back for yourself. It's not going anywhere one-sided like this. If he is interested in meeting up with you he can call you and ask you out on a date. Don't accept anything less.

Edited April 6, 2021 by glows