Mixing work and pleasure. Thoughts?

[Starry_eyed]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Him not asking you out at this point is not a great sign.  IMO you have left the door wide open.  If he's not walking through you have to assume he doesn't want & stop putting all your eggs in his basket.  Find somebody else to date.  

 

13 minutes ago, glows said:

He's not as interested as you are. The energy here is funky as all hell. He tells you just enough to keep you hooked but doesn't ask you out on a date.

You've done everything aside from proposing to this man, buying the rings and having his babies: told him your feelings, told him your thoughts, invited him to tell you about his feelings, set up phone calls, invited him to call you, talked about your plans during the week and he has still not asked you out. AND. His reasoning for being hesitant is that he hasn't met you in person. 

GURL. 

This is no good. You are not wrong for wanting a man to take more of a lead. You have led and led and led. Take a breather, chat with other guys, meet others. Dial this back, way back for yourself. It's not going anywhere one-sided like this. If he is interested in meeting up with you he can call you and ask you out on a date. Don't accept anything less.

He has proactively communicated with me and was the first one to suggest a call last week but this is a good point. I feel sad now because it's probably true and I can't help that I feel something for him. I'm at a point where cutting it off would give me some relief and that's probably my own issues rather than his. I'd actually be able to focus on my work. I don't even know what to tell him or whether I should just go silent on him for a bit whilst I distance myself.

Thank you ❤

[glows]

1 hour ago, Starry_eyed said:

 

He has proactively communicated with me and was the first one to suggest a call last week but this is a good point. I feel sad now because it's probably true and I can't help that I feel something for him. I'm at a point where cutting it off would give me some relief and that's probably my own issues rather than his. I'd actually be able to focus on my work. I don't even know what to tell him or whether I should just go silent on him for a bit whilst I distance myself.

Thank you ❤

You do what feels right to you. We can't simply not feel for someone if we are attracted to that person. I think he's holding out for someone else and you're an option if things with the other person he's interested in don't work out. This is fine - life happens that way and you meet each other later. 

Be kind to yourself and fill up your days with love, kindness, warmth from others like friends and family. It's been good of you to be open with him and giving it a chance. However, never be afraid to ask the same of someone else. Reciprocity is key. If the other person doesn't reciprocate in the same way or at the similar level or not on the same wavelength you're free to walk away from that. Why stay stuck in a lopsided interaction? Those should progress naturally and with some ease. Dating should be a get-to-know you process that is fun and interesting. It should give you the opportunity to see the other person in different ways and give both of you the opportunity to learn from each other, be inspired by each other. 

If there's a wall before it's even begun or is stalling, I don't see why you have to keep waiting for that person to come around. He may be working on other things or interested in someone else but you're coming on too strong for him to tell you that. He's keeping his options open around you and you can do the same with him. As for spending all your energies and hopes on this guy alone? Probably not for the best. 

 

[Starry_eyed]

6 hours ago, glows said:

You do what feels right to you. We can't simply not feel for someone if we are attracted to that person. I think he's holding out for someone else and you're an option if things with the other person he's interested in don't work out. This is fine - life happens that way and you meet each other later. 

Be kind to yourself and fill up your days with love, kindness, warmth from others like friends and family. It's been good of you to be open with him and giving it a chance. However, never be afraid to ask the same of someone else. Reciprocity is key. If the other person doesn't reciprocate in the same way or at the similar level or not on the same wavelength you're free to walk away from that. Why stay stuck in a lopsided interaction? Those should progress naturally and with some ease. Dating should be a get-to-know you process that is fun and interesting. It should give you the opportunity to see the other person in different ways and give both of you the opportunity to learn from each other, be inspired by each other. 

If there's a wall before it's even begun or is stalling, I don't see why you have to keep waiting for that person to come around. He may be working on other things or interested in someone else but you're coming on too strong for him to tell you that. He's keeping his options open around you and you can do the same with him. As for spending all your energies and hopes on this guy alone? Probably not for the best. 

 

Yeah, alarm bells are going off about the fact he's travelling into the city to meet a female ex-colleague on one of his first weekends since lockdown restrictions were lifted where we are. No point thinking about it too much as there may be nothing to it but the thought did pass my mind.

We had professional relations so I'm conscious of not ending on a bad note. What I do know is that right now, I need it all to stop. I was thinking of telling him I'm getting mixed signals and want to stop talking for a while but it just felt full on to do that. We haven't spoken today, I'm going to tell him I'm taking a whatsapp/phone detox if he messages me, then not talk to him that way. If he sees I'm online I'm not bothered, I don't owe him anything at this stage.

I've got a great new job and am investing energy into him and getting nothing back, it has to stop because my ability to concentrate on other things is getting affected. I actually look forward to it stopping from that perspective, I can function optimally again. I tried to talk to other guys but I'm not looking at generally dating at the moment. Things started with him unexpectedly because we intellectually clicked very well and that happens rarely for me. I know I'm an emotional person and too easily I get attached but behaviourally I'm not clingy, I don't normally share the full extent of it with guys from the outset.

I already feel a bit better, relieved, to know I'm cutting him out for a bit.

[glows]

14 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

Yeah, alarm bells are going off about the fact he's travelling into the city to meet a female ex-colleague on one of his first weekends since lockdown restrictions were lifted where we are. No point thinking about it too much as there may be nothing to it but the thought did pass my mind.

We had professional relations so I'm conscious of not ending on a bad note. What I do know is that right now, I need it all to stop. I was thinking of telling him I'm getting mixed signals and want to stop talking for a while but it just felt full on to do that. We haven't spoken today, I'm going to tell him I'm taking a whatsapp/phone detox if he messages me, then not talk to him that way. If he sees I'm online I'm not bothered, I don't owe him anything at this stage.

I've got a great new job and am investing energy into him and getting nothing back, it has to stop because my ability to concentrate on other things is getting affected. I actually look forward to it stopping from that perspective, I can function optimally again. I tried to talk to other guys but I'm not looking at generally dating at the moment. Things started with him unexpectedly because we intellectually clicked very well and that happens rarely for me. I know I'm an emotional person and too easily I get attached but behaviourally I'm not clingy, I don't normally share the full extent of it with guys from the outset.

I already feel a bit better, relieved, to know I'm cutting him out for a bit.

The female ex-colleague is probably just a friend but if he's as intelligent as you say he may be very self-aware about how it looks by others or potential dates. Some people do have lots of friends of the opposite sex. Sociable people generally won't just have one type of group of friends. Depending on his interests, he could have a wide variety of close friends of both sexes. The problem with this scenario is that the both of you aren't meeting together or spending time in person or progressing and you don't feel like you're learning more about him. He's not letting you into his life or dating you or even making time to meet with you. He's not being obvious about his intentions. He's more of a question mark than a big smile.

It's not unusual to get your hopes up if you're getting to know someone or if someone shows some mutual interest. You put yourself out there (very gracefully I might add) but this guy isn't putting down what you're picking up and he's happy to keep you on the backburner. 

I wouldn't send any texts or calls at all. Let him come to you. You've been initiating a lot. I don't think you need to tell him why you're not answering your phone at all as often. Get back to him within a reasonable time frame if he does reach out to you (ie later in the afternoon or evening for example) and keep the answers or responses brief. I wouldn't text about emotions or introduce heavy topics mentioning someone is giving you mixed signals. Keep the texts lighthearted and fun. If he's not asking you out on a date and he keeps texting you only or video calling (again, not asking you out on a date), you'll have to figure out if that's what you want.

[Starry_eyed]

On 4/7/2021 at 3:14 PM, glows said:

The female ex-colleague is probably just a friend but if he's as intelligent as you say he may be very self-aware about how it looks by others or potential dates. Some people do have lots of friends of the opposite sex. Sociable people generally won't just have one type of group of friends. Depending on his interests, he could have a wide variety of close friends of both sexes. The problem with this scenario is that the both of you aren't meeting together or spending time in person or progressing and you don't feel like you're learning more about him. He's not letting you into his life or dating you or even making time to meet with you. He's not being obvious about his intentions. He's more of a question mark than a big smile.

It's not unusual to get your hopes up if you're getting to know someone or if someone shows some mutual interest. You put yourself out there (very gracefully I might add) but this guy isn't putting down what you're picking up and he's happy to keep you on the backburner. 

I wouldn't send any texts or calls at all. Let him come to you. You've been initiating a lot. I don't think you need to tell him why you're not answering your phone at all as often. Get back to him within a reasonable time frame if he does reach out to you (ie later in the afternoon or evening for example) and keep the answers or responses brief. I wouldn't text about emotions or introduce heavy topics mentioning someone is giving you mixed signals. Keep the texts lighthearted and fun. If he's not asking you out on a date and he keeps texting you only or video calling (again, not asking you out on a date), you'll have to figure out if that's what you want.

He is very intelligent I think and he has a keen interest in psychology. He talks to me about his friends, their names, how he knows them, again, it's like I'm involved in his life yet I'm not involved - similar to how he gives me just enough to keep me interested but nothing actually happens in reality. These past couple of days I've felt healthier and calmer. He sent me a photo yesterday morning but I didn't reply, that is basically me opening conversation and I don't have anything to say in general or about the photo.

He's not messaged me since and I do wonder what he's thinking sometimes, whether he thinks I've gone silent because of the age thing or doesn't care to even think anything. My mind is straying to him much less and I'm getting so much done at work. If he asks me for a call or to meet, I really don't know what I will say, this experience has made me feel distrustful of his intentions, with that at the back of my mind I don't know if there is any point. Time will tell. Thanks @glows for your insight, I have found it so refreshing and helpful 🙂

[glows]

1 hour ago, Starry_eyed said:

He is very intelligent I think and he has a keen interest in psychology. He talks to me about his friends, their names, how he knows them, again, it's like I'm involved in his life yet I'm not involved - similar to how he gives me just enough to keep me interested but nothing actually happens in reality. These past couple of days I've felt healthier and calmer. He sent me a photo yesterday morning but I didn't reply, that is basically me opening conversation and I don't have anything to say in general or about the photo.

He's not messaged me since and I do wonder what he's thinking sometimes, whether he thinks I've gone silent because of the age thing or doesn't care to even think anything. My mind is straying to him much less and I'm getting so much done at work. If he asks me for a call or to meet, I really don't know what I will say, this experience has made me feel distrustful of his intentions, with that at the back of my mind I don't know if there is any point. Time will tell. Thanks @glows for your insight, I have found it so refreshing and helpful 🙂

Welcome. No need to feel distrustful. He hasn't done anything wrong. If he's kept you at arm's length he may have valid reasons or doesn't want to implicate you further in his life. I always treat scenarios like this as a win-win. If the door stays closed or things aren't progressing, there's a reason for that. What age thing do you mean?

If he does reach out to you you'll have known him a little better by then and can weigh/screen him out as a potential date later on down the line.

 

Edited April 8, 2021 by glows

[Starry_eyed]

14 hours ago, glows said:

Welcome. No need to feel distrustful. He hasn't done anything wrong. If he's kept you at arm's length he may have valid reasons or doesn't want to implicate you further in his life. I always treat scenarios like this as a win-win. If the door stays closed or things aren't progressing, there's a reason for that. What age thing do you mean?

If he does reach out to you you'll have known him a little better by then and can weigh/screen him out as a potential date later on down the line.

 

Yeah I guess he hasn't broken my trust but what he says and does is out of sync and that lack of transparency, mixed messaging, has left me feeling confused and a bit vulnerable as I have put myself out there. The age thing is about him being in his 40s and me in my 30s, he didn't easily share that information on our last call and I think he was trying to figure out if it had put me off. He might think I've thought about it after we spoke and gone silent for that reason.

He will see I've been on WhatsApp, it feels a little bit rude and like mindgames, normally people know where they stand with me and I feel like I've created a grey area, a question mark, with going silent. He hasn't been in touch since I didn't reply to his photo two mornings ago. If he never gets back in contact that is going be a bit sad. If I had been rejected this would have been a bit easier because I would know where I stand. He's in my city tomorrow for his social plans

Edited April 9, 2021 by Starry_eyed

[Wiseman2]

Great idea to distance yourself. It's pretty clear he doesn't want anything serious.

[glows]

4 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

Yeah I guess he hasn't broken my trust but what he says and does is out of sync and that lack of transparency, mixed messaging, has left me feeling confused and a bit vulnerable as I have put myself out there. The age thing is about him being in his 40s and me in my 30s, he didn't easily share that information on our last call and I think he was trying to figure out if it had put me off. He might think I've thought about it after we spoke and gone silent for that reason.

He will see I've been on WhatsApp, it feels a little bit rude and like mindgames, normally people know where they stand with me and I feel like I've created a grey area, a question mark, with going silent. He hasn't been in touch since I didn't reply to his photo two mornings ago. If he never gets back in contact that is going be a bit sad. If I had been rejected this would have been a bit easier because I would know where I stand. He's in my city tomorrow for his social plans

Lack of transparency is a dealbreaker for me too. If things feel shifty or like a guessing game, it probably is and there's good reason for that. You may feel rude because you have a conscience and are a straightshooter. Many aren't for whatever reason, hung up about the past, insecure about their age or just involved with someone else but don't know how to simply be clear about that. He may be planning a career move, not sure if he can support living on his own/may have to move back in with family, may have feelings for someone else or in a relationship. "I really enjoy your company but I've got a lot on my plate at the moment and not looking for a serious relationship." is not that hard. 

For all his "intelligence" if he doesn't know how to communicate all of that smartness is down the tube. You seem like you have a lot going for you. Yes, continue working on your projects. I wouldn't continue being text-buddies with him. 

 

Edited April 9, 2021 by glows

[Starry_eyed]

 

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Great idea to distance yourself. It's pretty clear he doesn't want anything serious.

 

9 hours ago, glows said:

Lack of transparency is a dealbreaker for me too. If things feel shifty or like a guessing game, it probably is and there's good reason for that. You may feel rude because you have a conscience and are a straightshooter. Many aren't for whatever reason, hung up about the past, insecure about their age or just involved with someone else but don't know how to simply be clear about that. He may be planning a career move, not sure if he can support living on his own/may have to move back in with family, may have feelings for someone else or in a relationship. "I really enjoy your company but I've got a lot on my plate at the moment and not looking for a serious relationship." is not that hard. 

For all his "intelligence" if he doesn't know how to communicate all of that smartness is down the tube. You seem like you have a lot going for you. Yes, continue working on your projects. I wouldn't continue being text-buddies with him. 

 

Yeah, before things picked up between us he was considering moving to the opposite end of the country, he's focusing on a project with his friend, he sold and moved out of his place a couple of months ago which he bought with a long-term partner, they split up about 2.5-3 years ago. I'm not sure what happened but he wasn't really sad to leave. Many of the things you mentioned are a real possibility.

It still stings, I miss the intellectual chats, especially during this isolating time. I don't have that kind of dynamic with anyone else. I'm sticking to not messaging even though it feels like 'ghosting'. When my emotions pass or develop with someone else maybe I can briefly message him as a friend rather than this silence be the end of it. Doesn't feel good. Meeting a couple of friends in the city today for a long walk, should help take my mind off things.

[glows]

4 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

Yeah, before things picked up between us he was considering moving to the opposite end of the country, he's focusing on a project with his friend, he sold and moved out of his place a couple of months ago which he bought with a long-term partner, they split up about 2.5-3 years ago. I'm not sure what happened but he wasn't really sad to leave. Many of the things you mentioned are a real possibility.

It still stings, I miss the intellectual chats, especially during this isolating time. I don't have that kind of dynamic with anyone else. I'm sticking to not messaging even though it feels like 'ghosting'. When my emotions pass or develop with someone else maybe I can briefly message him as a friend rather than this silence be the end of it. Doesn't feel good. Meeting a couple of friends in the city today for a long walk, should help take my mind off things.

That makes sense later down the line. You did get attached so I'd focus on other things at the moment and just shift your thoughts elsewhere so that you're able to feel less dependent on his actions or how he treats you. I hear you on the intellectual chats. Several months down the line after achieving your career goals and your own projects and after some time has passed, don't be surprised either that you just won't feel the same way about him. 

How long have you been single? Why not try meeting people through local interests or organizations? I'm thinking along the lines of intellectual interests and for mental stimulation. I find it so much more rewarding than dating apps personally but that's just my experience. There was only one man I could talk to briefly on a dating app late last year. He had divorced much earlier about 20 years earlier and had grown kids, what a gentleman and such a pleasure to talk to. He too was in the midst of a move and there wasn't enough sexual chemistry so we left it but intellectually speaking, it was nice to share that space or talk about different things with another person. You can try dating apps too if you're curious but I'd go in with the idea that 99% of the individuals there are not looking for intellectual connections.

 

[KlezF]

Don’t do it!!!!

[Starry_eyed]

On 4/10/2021 at 2:46 PM, glows said:

That makes sense later down the line. You did get attached so I'd focus on other things at the moment and just shift your thoughts elsewhere so that you're able to feel less dependent on his actions or how he treats you. I hear you on the intellectual chats. Several months down the line after achieving your career goals and your own projects and after some time has passed, don't be surprised either that you just won't feel the same way about him. 

How long have you been single? Why not try meeting people through local interests or organizations? I'm thinking along the lines of intellectual interests and for mental stimulation. I find it so much more rewarding than dating apps personally but that's just my experience. There was only one man I could talk to briefly on a dating app late last year. He had divorced much earlier about 20 years earlier and had grown kids, what a gentleman and such a pleasure to talk to. He too was in the midst of a move and there wasn't enough sexual chemistry so we left it but intellectually speaking, it was nice to share that space or talk about different things with another person. You can try dating apps too if you're curious but I'd go in with the idea that 99% of the individuals there are not looking for intellectual connections.

 

I'm realising how attached I became but as time passes I expect I will feel differently about him. It doesn't help that he hasn't been in touch, how he has interpreted my silence remains a question mark. I did keep myself busy today and that helped, I'm reminding myself I have great things going for me outside of my love life.

I came out of a 6.5 year relationship about 4 years ago. Been single since, I tried online dating on and off for a couple of years but these days it's increasingly unappealing. The online pool is further reduced when it comes to seeking intellectual connection. Maybe I need a reality check but I believe this ex-colleague guy must miss our intellectual chats too, even if he is not messaging. They were not typical chats in my opinion. He is a confident introvert and I sense a bit emotionally guarded/dismissive/avoidant.

I really need to think about local organisations and groups, have you joined any interesting ones yourself? I've tried a few events in the past but no men attending who I would/could date and I'm not being picky when I say that. I've thought about maybe setting up a dating profile on a paid site which connects people based on professional networks. Maybe I'll look into it in a few weeks/months once I've settled in this new role but I still would love to meet someone in real life if I could. Seems a little crazy sometimes to think I need assistance from an online app to meet someone when I live in a city surrounded by and full of single people.

Edited April 11, 2021 by Starry_eyed

[glows]

I'm a member of two non-work related organizations have made new friends that way. I wouldn't date anyone there but I am also not actively looking. I don't think it's crazy to look at a paid dating app. You might have more luck on those than the unpaid ones. Maybe read the reviews online before paying for a subscription.

My guess is your ex-colleague is talking to others and I'm sure he valued your conversation but there's something else holding him back so I wouldn't wait.

[Starry_eyed]

On 4/12/2021 at 4:46 AM, glows said:

I'm a member of two non-work related organizations have made new friends that way. I wouldn't date anyone there but I am also not actively looking. I don't think it's crazy to look at a paid dating app. You might have more luck on those than the unpaid ones. Maybe read the reviews online before paying for a subscription.

My guess is your ex-colleague is talking to others and I'm sure he valued your conversation but there's something else holding him back so I wouldn't wait.

Mini update - So I decided to message him and say sorry for going silent but I've been busy with work and I hope it didn't seem rude. It's arguably poor judgement on my part but we had good chats for 6 months or so as colleagues and more recently ex-colleagues, then suddenly after one convo it stops and I go silent. He may not like me that much/as much as before and is probably talking to other women/something is holding him back, but I also don't know what he is thinking. He read it and went offline for over 24 hours which was unusual to see. In some ways I've rubbed salt in my own wounds but I prepared for the possibility of zero response and will eventually get over it.

In positive news though, I joined a social club online today, met some cool people. It really helped cheer me up and forget about him. Turns out they run a few book clubs too so more doors potentially opened...

[glows]

20 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said:

Mini update - So I decided to message him and say sorry for going silent but I've been busy with work and I hope it didn't seem rude. It's arguably poor judgement on my part but we had good chats for 6 months or so as colleagues and more recently ex-colleagues, then suddenly after one convo it stops and I go silent. He may not like me that much/as much as before and is probably talking to other women/something is holding him back, but I also don't know what he is thinking. He read it and went offline for over 24 hours which was unusual to see. In some ways I've rubbed salt in my own wounds but I prepared for the possibility of zero response and will eventually get over it.

In positive news though, I joined a social club online today, met some cool people. It really helped cheer me up and forget about him. Turns out they run a few book clubs too so more doors potentially opened...

Wonderful. I wouldn't beat yourself up over reaching out to him. You did it for yourself. If he doesn't respond, brush it off. Not the end of the world. The social club and book clubs sound fun.

Edited April 16, 2021 by glows