Wondering what the worst thing that could happen is if I reached out to an ex

[UpgradeU_]

Long story short, someone broke up with me a couple of years back. At the time, they were very emotionally unstable and not sure of themselves, so it ended badly. They sabotaged things with me because of these issues (this is something they've since admitted and apologised for). However, we're not friends and don't talk at all. 

When things ended, we were in the "honeymoon period" - it was very sudden and very painful, for me. Now it's been a couple of years and I still do miss this person. The last time we spoke - in December 2020 - they seemed fine but said they didn't think it was a good idea to try and be friends because we always end up spending too much time together, etc. They wished me well and we haven't spoken, since then. 

I have spent a lot of time working on myself in terms of relationships, emotions, etc. They are in therapy, so it sounds like they've done work on themselves, too. I was thinking about reaching out and just being honest - I miss this person a lot, and feel that things ended before they could really go anywhere. I am very aware of their wish not to be friends, and also that this may result in me being hurt further, but at times I just feel like I should go for it. I have never really been honest about my feelings with this person - not to suggest that anything would happen if I did, but... this person did say in our last call that there is still a 'connection' between us. I don't know. 

I just miss them, and feel like what is the worst thing that could really happen if I reached out.

[Minneloa]

Hi UU,

What would be your goal in reaching out? Do you hope to re-establish a romantic relationship?

Is it possible that you are longing/feeling nostalgic because of your recent contact? 

If the other person maintains their current stance of not wanting to be in contact/friends, will you feel hurt and rejected all over again?

I don’t know your particular situation, but Covid has severely limited the social possibilities of many folks, leading to loneliness. Is this the case for you?

M.

[UpgradeU_]

40 minutes ago, Minneloa said:

Hi UU,

What would be your goal in reaching out? Do you hope to re-establish a romantic relationship?

Is it possible that you are longing/feeling nostalgic because of your recent contact? 

If the other person maintains their current stance of not wanting to be in contact/friends, will you feel hurt and rejected all over again?

I don’t know your particular situation, but Covid has severely limited the social possibilities of many folks, leading to loneliness. Is this the case for you?

M.

I think it would be to try and re-establish a relationship, yes. I don't think I would be able to be 'friends' only. 

I think yes, also the recent contact hasn't helped. I have also been talking to someone on and off that I'd met online - not seriously - and while it's fun, I still just miss certain aspects of my contact with my ex. 

I would feel very hurt if they said they didn't want to speak or be friends. As it is now it feels like I still have a slight chance, whereas if I opened my feelings up to them and was rejected, there would be zero chance, and I think that would feel a lot worse.

And as for COVID - 100%. I live alone, and I think this current situation has compounded it. As well as worrying about the restrictions being lifted, because I don't really know many people and my mental health has suffered - I'm very anxious a lot of the time and it's a struggle sometimes to even venture to the local store, a symptom that's worsened due to the amount of time spent at home. I feel that my ex was the last person I 'knew', although it's been a while, now.

 

[Minneloa]

I am sorry that you are struggling, UU. From what you said above, it sounds like there would be a significant risk to your emotional health and wellbeing if you reached out to this person. I imagine it might feel comforting and familiar to consider reconnecting with them, but they seem to have set the boundary already, not to mention that they have deeply hurt you in the past. 

In terms of your isolation and anxiety, do you have access to peer support groups or counseling? This is an incredibly difficult time for so many people, and I sympathize with your situation.  

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[UpgradeU_]

I think you have got it spot on - there would be a huge risk to my emotional and mental wellbeing, yes. Despite thinking I'd somehow be able to cope with whatever happens, I probably wouldn't be. 

As for the peer support & counseling - I'm making use of online peer support and trying to arrange some counseling. Thank you for the kind words and also for just being understanding of my situation in general

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, UpgradeU_ said:

I think you have got it spot on - there would be a huge risk to my emotional and mental wellbeing, yes. Despite thinking I'd somehow be able to cope with whatever happens, I probably wouldn't be. 

Then I would put this idea to bed and not reach out. 

It seems the pandemic-isolation is making you nostalgic for this person, but if they turned down your suggestion of being friends just a couple months ago, then I think that's your cue that they aren't interested in rekindling anyway. 

[d0nnivain]

You talked to this person in December 2020 & they said they did not think it was a good idea to try to be friends & that you spend too much time together.  That was a polite way of saying they are not interested in staying in touch. 

Even with therapy, it's unlikely they changed in 3 months.  I'm not sure why you miss an emotionally unstable person but that is something you probably need to address in your therapy sessions.  It could be something as simple as being lonely due to Covid lockdown & limited opportunities to meet new people.  That is not a good reason to go backwards. 

You asked what the worst thing that could happen would be.  Worst case you keep pushing to meet to the point where you make a pest of yourself & end up with a restraining order against you.  That is probably unlikely.  You don't seem that aggressive or unbalanced.  The most probable has been mentioned:  you take the risk, get rejected again & go into an emotional tailspin.  

[dramafreezone]

On 3/5/2021 at 4:14 PM, UpgradeU_ said:

Long story short, someone broke up with me a couple of years back. At the time, they were very emotionally unstable and not sure of themselves, so it ended badly. They sabotaged things with me because of these issues (this is something they've since admitted and apologised for). However, we're not friends and don't talk at all. 

When things ended, we were in the "honeymoon period" - it was very sudden and very painful, for me. Now it's been a couple of years and I still do miss this person. The last time we spoke - in December 2020 - they seemed fine but said they didn't think it was a good idea to try and be friends because we always end up spending too much time together, etc. They wished me well and we haven't spoken, since then. 

I have spent a lot of time working on myself in terms of relationships, emotions, etc. They are in therapy, so it sounds like they've done work on themselves, too. I was thinking about reaching out and just being honest - I miss this person a lot, and feel that things ended before they could really go anywhere. I am very aware of their wish not to be friends, and also that this may result in me being hurt further, but at times I just feel like I should go for it. I have never really been honest about my feelings with this person - not to suggest that anything would happen if I did, but... this person did say in our last call that there is still a 'connection' between us. I don't know. 

I just miss them, and feel like what is the worst thing that could really happen if I reached out.

Nothing would be wrong with reaching out, provided that you're doing it with the expectation that nothing will happen between you two.  If you're doing it with the expectation that you'll rekindle something, then I would advise against it.  If this person wanted to rekindle anyhing, they would be getting in touch with you.  What do you think would happen, you start talking and this person say "oh wow, I'm in love with you, let's give it another shot?"  Not likely

Edited March 10, 2021 by dramafreezone

[UpgradeU_]

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Nothing would be wrong with reaching out, provided that you're doing it with the expectation that nothing will happen between you two.  If you're doing it with the expectation that you'll rekindle something, then I would advise against it.  If this person wanted to rekindle anyhing, they would be getting in touch with you.  What do you think would happen, you start talking and this person say "oh wow, I'm in love with you, let's give it another shot?"  Not likely

Yeah, that's why I haven't done it up to now. I couldn't reach out with the intention of being just friends, because I know that isn't what I truly want. Also yeah, I've imagined myself saying all this stuff to them about how I feel, and know what the outcome would probably be - so doesn't seem much point. 

[UpgradeU_]

On 3/8/2021 at 1:16 PM, d0nnivain said:

You talked to this person in December 2020 & they said they did not think it was a good idea to try to be friends & that you spend too much time together.  That was a polite way of saying they are not interested in staying in touch. 

Even with therapy, it's unlikely they changed in 3 months.  I'm not sure why you miss an emotionally unstable person but that is something you probably need to address in your therapy sessions.  It could be something as simple as being lonely due to Covid lockdown & limited opportunities to meet new people.  That is not a good reason to go backwards. 

You asked what the worst thing that could happen would be.  Worst case you keep pushing to meet to the point where you make a pest of yourself & end up with a restraining order against you.  That is probably unlikely.  You don't seem that aggressive or unbalanced.  The most probable has been mentioned:  you take the risk, get rejected again & go into an emotional tailspin.  

Pretty much hit the nail on the head - things have been very difficult during lockdown (as has it been for many) and it's just give rise to all sorts of things, for me. One being just a total lack of success in relationships, and worry about how I'm ever going to meet anyone again. Even with lockdown restrictions being lifted soon, I won't be jumping straight back into normal life - my mental health and just general life has changed a lot since pre-lockdown, so I have no idea what I'm going to do. It seems, at times, far easier to just reach out to this person, than to try and make a new life. 

But I agree - the most probable outcome is what you mentioned. I may also be blocked, or insulted, or dismissed - I don't want to be seen a nuisance, or someone that won't go away, or whatever else. So there's no real point to it, I guess.

[d0nnivain]

You are ahead of the curve in the sense that you understand yourself & you are aware of the downsides.  

It's probably good that you went through the exercise of thinking about this, since you came to the best decision of not going backwards. 

Do some nice things for yourself to improve your own mental health.  As much of a struggle as it can be to take action, I know what I do act, to get through a tough task, to exercise, to clean my house I always feel better & lighter after I do.  That improves my mental health & gives me a sense of accomplishment.  

Hang in there.