Insecurity ruining my relationship

[Noluck83]

I'm at a bit of a loose end in my relationship where i feel like my partner is playing down parts of her past. I understand its easier to just not ask but now we have had that conversation im worried shes capable of lying to me and its hurting an otherwise perfect relationship. 

Would you leave someone who lies about their past or their number or just accept not everyone wants to share those things.

Edited November 2, 2020 by Noluck83

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Noluck83 said:

im worried shes capable of lying to me and its hurting an otherwise perfect relationship. Would you leave someone who lies about their past or their number or just accept not everyone wants to share those things.

What kind of lies do you mean? Frankly her past is none of your business except, married/divorced/lived with someone, kids, . Job, college, etc. Does her social media or whatever you google reflect something major that is different from what she reveals to you? Keep in mind TMI is a child's game when it comes to sex and "numbers".

[Noluck83]

Its always stupid stuff and j wish it didnt cause problems but it does. Not because of whats happened but the need to hide it for no reason.

For 1 example: we asked about numbers, long story short she said 12, a few weeks later she asked me to delete an ex off Facebook so i did. She then said she'll delete hers. I asked how many past love interests she had on and she said 3. A few days go by and she left Facebook open on her laptop and it on the day she'd deleted 3 she actually deleted 23 men off Facebook. So i asked why she'd said 3 when there where more, i explained i couldnt care less if shed had 1000 its all in the past but i am concerned why she felt the need to play it down. She then got annoyed, stormed off and said i should trust her and she'd just forgot as she thought it was 3. I see her side of it that nobody wants to say things and cause unnecessary trouble but it feels like the troubles happening because of things like this. Similar things have happened 3 or 4 times now. Im considering just stopping asking stuff as its in the past and everything epse in yhe relationship is fine but im bothered that it feels like she doesnt trust me to tell me when she initially asked me about my history. I also know i need to let the small stuff go and stop asking as im being petty. I actually wish wed just never had the numbers conversation.

I do want a relationship  built on honesty but i dont know whether to just say its none of my business and let it go.

Edited November 3, 2020 by Noluck83

[Wiseman2]

Why are you policing her? This isn't a relationship, it's a game. Your past is your business and her past is her business.

Stop this silly teenage truth or dare game about "numbers".

[elaine567]

NEVER, NEVER ask anyone about their numbers. 
It is a waste of time and will always cause friction, lying is normal and few will tell the truth.
Either minimising or exaggerating as to what looks best for them or to please you.
Once numbers increase past about 5, it can be difficult  for some to give exact figures, unless they have started a spreadsheet....
Also what constitutes a number?
Some include only "serious" sex - casual, ONSs and BJs don't matter, others include everybody including that kiss in the playground...

[d0nnivain]

Both things could be true.  She gave you a # of sexual partners.  Then she deleted a larger # of men.  Just because she went on a romantic date does not mean she had sex. 

My # of men I dated is probably 10x higher then the # of men I had sex with. 

Asking for #s always causes problems & conflict.  Stop asking & accept that many people don't want to share those details.  Be happy that this woman cleared out a lot of orbiters out of respect for you.  While her words may be a reason to more closely examine her truthfulness overall her actions show that she cares.  

[Noluck83]

49 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Both things could be true.  She gave you a # of sexual partners.  Then she deleted a larger # of men.  Just because she went on a romantic date does not mean she had sex. 

My # of men I dated is probably 10x higher then the # of men I had sex with. 

Asking for #s always causes problems & conflict.  Stop asking & accept that many people don't want to share those details.  Be happy that this woman cleared out a lot of orbiters out of respect for you.  While her words may be a reason to more closely examine her truthfulness overall her actions show that she cares.  

You're right. I'll just let it go and stop being childish 

[schlumpy]

4 hours ago, Noluck83 said:

So i asked why she'd said 3 when there where more, i explained i couldnt care less if shed had 1000 its all in the past but i am concerned why she felt the need to play it down.

I understand the need to reduce risk. You don't want to be married for ten years and two kids and find out your perfect wife was a call girl before you met. I don't see how you are going to do it without damaging the relationship. If you dig too much you will be caught. A PI working up a profile on her is the best way but expensive and will have you questioning yourself.

Then again you did state you could care less if it was a thousand.

How cosmopolitan of you.

[Wiseman2]

Oh my, don't get a dossier on a GF and pay a detective for that.😱

Just stop the slumber party games. If you are too young , inexperienced or insecure about yourself or a GF, just end it.

[Fletch Lives]

It does not matter if she's had 200. Who she loves now, you, is the only thing that counts. Women in love are loyal. 

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Women in love are loyal. 

Yes, but they quickly fall out of love when they encounter arguments, pettiness and accusations.

[Watercolors]

7 hours ago, Noluck83 said:

You're right. I'll just let it go and stop being childish 

Yes, why are you acting so childish? Why are you acting like her parole officer, coercing her to give you facts about her sexual history with men she had relationships with, as if that's your business. It's really not.

Were you cheated on by previous girlfriends? The way you disrespect and gaslight your girlfriend for her past, and the way you openly snoop on her digital devices without any remorse makes me think you must have been cheated on, and feel vindictive now about it, and are projecting those negative feelings on to your currently girlfriend so as to prevent her from cheating on you. Otherwise, you wouldn't be putting your current girlfriend through all of this nonsense.

Because, this isn't about her at all. This is 100% about you and your deep insecurities with relationships. That's not her job to fix for you. That's your job to address with a therapist and not involve your relationship partners because they didn't cheat on you (if that's where this behavior is stemming from).

By snooping on her open laptop you violated her trust and essentially you betrayed the relationship overall. It shows her that you don't trust or respect your girlfriend. And you must not, or you wouldn't have created this huge mess.

What are you going to do now, to fix this?

Edited November 3, 2020 by Watercolors

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, it is a red flag that she's lying to you. Period. She can't keep her story straight--that is never going to work out.

A tip though, you do not want to ask about someone's "number." What you want to do--if you want their number--is to get them well enough so that you can basically gather that information. If her "number" shocked you, then you got too serious too soon, without really knowing her. 

 

 

[Watercolors]

13 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Look, it is a red flag that she's lying to you. Period. She can't keep her story straight--that is never going to work out.

A tip though, you do not want to ask about someone's "number." What you want to do--if you want their number--is to get them well enough so that you can basically gather that information. If her "number" shocked you, then you got too serious too soon, without really knowing her. 

 

 

I disagree that she is lying to him. She's probably fed up with the way he's openly snooping on her laptop etc. and then not apologizing for it.

And it's really none of the OP's business what her # of past partners is. That's a sign he's super insecure and also very controlling. Who gives a darn how many men she slept with before you? Is the OP that insecure about his bedroom prowess for a man in his late 30s?

OP, you claim that you always choose the wrong partner but that isn't the problem. The problem starts and ends with you and how you treat these women you date. Why you treat them like objects, as if they are not allowed to have a past dating history that involved sex with other men, is beyond me. That's not normal behavior. Your need to control these women is what concerns me, OP.

Edited November 3, 2020 by Watercolors

[kendahke]

On 11/2/2020 at 4:42 PM, Noluck83 said:

Would you leave someone who lies about their past or their number or just accept not everyone wants to share those things.

I wouldn't ask... let's start with that. It leads to no good.

All you need to know is if she's STD free.

[Watercolors]

9 minutes ago, kendahke said:

I wouldn't ask... let's start with that. It leads to no good.

All you need to know is if she's STD free.

+1. I agree. It's extremely rude and an invasion of the person's privacy to ask, "how many people have you slept with?" Because that question leads to a lot of drama. The person who asks the question isn't asking because they are curious. No, they are asking so they can accuse their s.o. of being a s*** and then use that to gaslight their s.o. in various ways. It's a divisive tool for insecure narcissists at best.

Asking the person if they have an STD is a practical question and not an invasion of privacy either. If I am about to have a sexual relationship with someone, I have a right to know their sexual HEALTH history; not their romantic partner history as that's none of my business. And anyway, I'd focus more on the fact that the guy was choosing to be with me so there would not be any reason for me to dwell on his past sexual partners unless one of them gave him AIDS or something.

[kendahke]

14 hours ago, Noluck83 said:

or 1 example: we asked about numbers, long story short she said 12,

  I asked how many past love interests she had on and she said 3.

A few days go by and she left Facebook open on her laptop and it on the day she'd deleted 3 she actually deleted 23 men off Facebook.

You are conflating two things.

Having 23 male friends DOES NOT MEAN she loved them like lovers--she may love them as friends/brothers.  I have roughly 50 male friends on Facebook and I haven't had sex with any of them.  I don't friend men I get involved with because I don't want any mess popping off in my life from some insecure chick who wouldn't read the memo that dude and I are seeing each other..

You asked two different things and she answered your question--3 of them were of high enough calibre for her to consider them love interests.

AND EVEN IF SHE DID, that's still none of your business outside of if she's STD free and not married or engaged.  You're 23 men lighter of effery and you're still not happy.

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't ask a "number." Would require some referees to stand up to precisely define what counts as a score.

But if you learn about a person, you will find out. It just comes out. This info all comes out over time.  At some point your partner will share about being in a bad space or living a different kind of life ... and you'll figure out what they were doing.  But there's trust by that point. 

[DKT3]

You will get alot of people saying oh its not important you should never ask. My response to that is no one can ever tell you what you deem important when you're looking for a life partner.  Its your life and your partner.  

However,  the number isn't the issue.  It rarely is, the issue is usually the deception and secretcy in which they avoid telling you. 

As far as your girlfriend goes,  sexual partners and love interest, can be two different things. Maybe she had 3 or 4 love interests and 19 or 20 casual hookups. 

I would personally never start a relationship with a woman who was deceptive or evasive about her sexual history.  Not because of the number but because of why she feels the need to be evasive.  Either they don't believe you can handle it which in my opinion shows me a woman who is willing to mislead you into a relationship, or they are ashamed and embarrassed about it which i would have no interest in a woman who doesn't except her past as being what made her who she is today....this leads to so many more complicated things down the road.

If you asked and she simply said I'd prefer not to discuss that and left at that I believe its acceptable unless like your girlfriend,  she makes demands of you in those areas.

[Watercolors]

11 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

You will get alot of people saying oh its not important you should never ask. My response to that is no one can ever tell you what you deem important when you're looking for a life partner.  Its your life and your partner.  

However,  the number isn't the issue.  It rarely is, the issue is usually the deception and secretcy in which they avoid telling you. 

As far as your girlfriend goes,  sexual partners and love interest, can be two different things. Maybe she had 3 or 4 love interests and 19 or 20 casual hookups. 

I would personally never start a relationship with a woman who was deceptive or evasive about her sexual history.  Not because of the number but because of why she feels the need to be evasive.  Either they don't believe you can handle it which in my opinion shows me a woman who is willing to mislead you into a relationship, or they are ashamed and embarrassed about it which i would have no interest in a woman who doesn't except her past as being what made her who she is today....this leads to so many more complicated things down the road.

If you asked and she simply said I'd prefer not to discuss that and left at that I believe its acceptable unless like your girlfriend,  she makes demands of you in those areas.

So, if she was a former escort and chose not to tell the OP, that makes her not worthy of him dating her, according to your standards.

I think you're conflating standards with facts. Standards are expectations; but they are not facts. A fact is the truth about an event or situation as opposed to interpretation. I see the OP and you both interpreting her behavior as fact, when in reality, her behavior is being interpreted to fit the OP's belief system about women that he projects on to every woman he's in a relationship with. That is not fair to every woman, and that's why I feel like he is objectifying her. He's fit her into a category already because of his past history with women, without taking her at her word. He wants her to confirm his own confirmation bias, which is not even possible. The confirmation bias is the OP's. It's not his girlfriend's.

So what if she deleted 23 men from her FB. What business does the OP have snopping on her conveniently open laptop? She left it open because she trusted the OP? Motivated by his own paranoia, he betrayed his girlfriend's trust by snooping, rather than just accept her for who she is with him now, in the present moment. Because he can't accept her for who she is; she doesn't fit the narrative that he's created for her -- that she is a fluzy who has slept with a gazillion men and therefore not worthy of his time.

Edited November 3, 2020 by Watercolors

[Acacia98]

12 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

You will get alot of people saying oh its not important you should never ask. My response to that is no one can ever tell you what you deem important when you're looking for a life partner.  Its your life and your partner.  

Personally, I'd say one should not ask about numbers unless they matter to him/her and he/she is ready to act (e.g. by ending things if the answer/subsequent interactions unsettle him/her). 

OP has a right to have expectations for a relationship (whether or not we agree with those expectations), but once he's decided his partner falls short, he should end things, not interrogate her about how many men she deleted on social media.

And OP's girlfriend sounds like one of those people who doesn't understand what makes relationships work. Those are the folks who do things like pushing to disclose numbers when they really can't deal with an honest discussion of the subject.

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

So, if she was a former escort and chose not to tell the OP, that makes her not worthy of him dating her, according to your standards.

I think you're conflating standards with facts. Standards are expectations; but they are not facts. A fact is the truth about an event or situation as opposed to interpretation. I see the OP and you both interpreting her behavior as fact, when in reality, her behavior is being interpreted to fit the OP's belief system about women that he projects on to every woman he's in a relationship with. That is not fair to every woman, and that's why I feel like he is objectifying her. He's fit her into a category already because of his past history with women, without taking her at her word. He wants her to confirm his own confirmation bias, which is not even possible. The confirmation bias is the OP's. It's not his girlfriend's.

So what if she deleted 23 men from her FB. What business does the OP have snopping on her conveniently open laptop? She left it open because she trusted the OP? Motivated by his own paranoia, he betrayed his girlfriend's trust by snooping, rather than just accept her for who she is with him now, in the present moment. Because he can't accept her for who she is; she doesn't fit the narrative that he's created for her -- that she is a fluzy who has slept with a gazillion men and therefore not worthy of his time.

As I said, she opened the door when she demanded he delete his exes.

You're missing my point.  The number should not be important,  its the evasiveness or deception or more importantly her willingness to trick and mislead him into a relationship by withholding information that would alter his desire to be in a relationship with her. 

My biggest issue is why wouldn't all women want to share this information? Wouldn't all women want a man who is willing to accept all of her. 

[Watercolors]

50 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

As I said, she opened the door when she demanded he delete his exes.

You're missing my point.  The number should not be important,  its the evasiveness or deception or more importantly her willingness to trick and mislead him into a relationship by withholding information that would alter his desire to be in a relationship with her. 

My biggest issue is why wouldn't all women want to share this information? Wouldn't all women want a man who is willing to accept all of her. 

I did see the tit for tat behavior between the OP and his girlfriend, I'm not denying that.

Her evasiveness or deception - her willingness to trick and mislead him is just the OP's interpretation of her behavior. How is withholding her past # of lovers an act of deception? And why would withholding that # of past sexual lovers be interpreted by both the OP and you, as an example of her willingness to mislead and trick him?

I stand by my belief that the OP is misinterpreting his girlfriend's actions in order to fulfill his own confirmation bias that all women cheat; that all women cheat on *him*; that all women mislead, withhold and trick *him* when the opposite seems to be what's true: that she is fed up with the OP's childish behavior (his own words describing himself, not mine) regarding his snooping, his interrogations and his shaming and blaming his girlfriend.

I think the OP should break up with her because they are just not compatible.

To your last point: no woman with healthy self esteem would ever lower herself, to coddle a man's ego by telling him how many men she's slept with. Only insecure men demand that knowledge. Men who are secure with themselves don't need to know the # of men their girlfriend's slept with.

[DKT3]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

I did see the tit for tat behavior between the OP and his girlfriend, I'm not denying that.

Her evasiveness or deception - her willingness to trick and mislead him is just the OP's interpretation of her behavior. How is withholding her past # of lovers an act of deception? And why would withholding that # of past sexual lovers be interpreted by both the OP and you, as an example of her willingness to mislead and trick him?

I stand by my belief that the OP is misinterpreting his girlfriend's actions in order to fulfill his own confirmation bias that all women cheat; that all women cheat on *him*; that all women mislead, withhold and trick *him* when the opposite seems to be what's true: that she is fed up with the OP's childish behavior (his own words describing himself, not mine) regarding his snooping, his interrogations and his shaming and blaming his girlfriend.

I think the OP should break up with her because they are just not compatible.

To your last point: no woman with healthy self esteem would ever lower herself, to coddle a man's ego by telling him how many men she's slept with. Only insecure men demand that knowledge. Men who are secure with themselves don't need to know the # of men their girlfriend's slept with.

Still missing the point. 

So by what your saying its not womans business if a man has a history of paying for sex of occasional has sex with men, its perfectly fine for a man to not tell his potential wife that he leans towards men? I mean if he has self worth he shouldn't tell her, right? Its not deception because its none of her business....ITS NOT THE NUMBER.  It why she needs to hide it thats the issue.  

[FMW]

OP, I think it's clear from the differing viewpoints here - all that matters is what YOU think.  If you are now going to be side eyeing her over every little thing, then you should just end the relationship now because neither of you are going to be happy.