Disabled husband that is just not interested

[Female1959]

 Sorry this is so long but I want all to get a good picture of what is going on. My husband and I both are 61. We have been married 8 years. He was a new widower and I was divorced 9 years when we met. We married fast and neither regrets it. He is the kindest man ever.  We finish each other sentences and have a lot of the same interests.  He loves me unconditionally and I him. 

His 1rst wife was very controlling and was sick for 19 years with anorexia and died at 67lbs. My husband didn't have sex for 19 years and was upfront about his penile dysfunction. He knew I had a high sex drive because I told him. So we were both aware of each other's issues. When we married we had other types of sex and I was very satisfied. I did my best to help his problem and he worked out, took testosterone boosters and viagra which helped very little and finally saw an urologist early April, 2016.His testosterone was very low so he started injections. He had a horrific motorcycle accident a few weeks later losing his right foot and wiping out his right side with multiple injuries and a brain injury. He had recovered well by the end of 2018 and returned to work because he wanted to. He brought covid home from work at Christmas 2020 and we both had it. 2 days after he returned to work he ended up in the ER, with tremors, confusion, memory loss, and problems with speech. In a week he couldn't walk and was in a wheelchair. He was double tested for everything in the first month and nothing was found.  Only diagnosis is Covid went to the area of his brain that was damaged in the accident. He has progressed to a rolling walker to a cane and is driving again to local places. He will continue with PT and starts speech therapy next week.  Somedays his speech is pretty clear and other days it's not. I have had several medical issues. I was a RN and have had several neck and back injuries with surgeries and unable to lift over 10 pounds. I have other medical issues too including severe arthritis. I was awarded my disability last year which is not much but it helps. One of my issues was hormonal and was corrected by an increase of  testosterone in my hormone replacement therapy.  Since my husband's accident he has expressed no interest in sex. I told him a couple of years ago that we needed to talk and he told me I didn't have to explain anything to him and not to worry about it. At the same time I remembered him telling me after he had gotten home that we were now roommates and companions. I was kind of shocked and I believe when I told him we needed to talk that I was going to tell him I was having sex with someone ( the issue was financial). You can only please yourself so much and the need for physical touch has really gotten bad.  Along with the boost of testosterone  I am very frustrated.  Now he never initiates touch but if I hug him or kiss him he welcomes it but ends it quickly.  He has a good attitude most of the time. Too top all this off we just moved and need to get our old house sold and have repairs and cleaning to do. He has good days and bad days and has been able to do very little and with 2 mortgages and homeowners insurance to pay we have no extra money. So we have to do this.  

I am doing good with my health now and pretty much a young 61. I friended an old friend that popped up on FB and we started talking.Truth be told he was a younger man that I saw for several years when I was divorced. He liked older women and we had a chemistry that I have had no other like.  We could talk about anything and I spilled my guts to him. He had a lot of growing up to do and has done it. He started his own business a few years ago and bought his own home. Still very handsome and clean cut. I can't understand why he is not married with kids but he said he likes older women and the good ones are taken.

He offered a nothing but sex relationship and says he knows there can't be anything else because of my situation. He swears that we could meet at his home 40 miles away that is very secluded and when I walk out the door what happens stay there. 

I don't know what to do. I do really, but I know what I'd like to do. When this younger man and I were together the chemistry and the sex were none like I never had and I know it's the same for him. We were obsessed with each other and I think it's going to get that way again. It would be great to be able to meet every 2 weeks or so and compartmentalize  this and walk out the door. He says he can and maybe he is grown up enough to do it. He is 40 now.  But....I didn't feel guilty when we were just chatting and talking about old times but this has evolved into something else and I haven't even done anything and guilt is eating me up. Also we my husband and I Christians. Not as strong as we were and I have been mad about all the hits we've had  that feels neverending and with Covid we have  not been to church since Thanksgiving. My question is to God how could you send me my husband and give me this physical need and everything happening as it has? Give me some advice ya'll!

Edited March 6, 2021 by Female1959
Left out sentence

[HappilyMarried]

Hello @Female1959welcome to LS. I feel so sorry for you and your husband's and what you guys have been through the past year+. As you started on your OP its evident that your husband knows of course about his issues and your increased sex drive. I think you need to sit down and discuss ways to address these issues. How would he feel about a open relationship (marriage) for no emotional ties only physical to address your needs that he can no longer address maybe a couple of times a month. Please correct me if I'm wrong but also in reading your OP it seems to like you have pretty much decided what you are going to do with your young friend anyway. My next question is if you proceed down this path with your young friend with or without your husband's blessing do you feel you can keep it (sex only) with no intimate feelings coming into the situation?

I know you have some major decisions ahead I do hope you can have a good heart to heart with your husband and come to a understanding that could even deepen your love. Best of luck!

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, Female1959 said:

y question is to God how could you send me my husband and give me this physical need and everything happening as it has? Give me some advice ya'll!

Frankly, I think you should restart things with your former lover, whom you're reconnected to on FB. I normally don't condone or advocate for affairs, but in your case, if you aren't planning to divorce your husband who clearly is gaslighting you, by telling you that he only views you two as platonic roommates now, then by staying, you are showing your husband that you accept your new role as "roommate w/no strings attached." But clearly that's not really want you want. 

You wrote that you already know what you want to do. Do you mean, have an affair on the side with your FB friend? Why not. If your husband refuses to respect your needs, you have to get it somewhere. 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Female, guess you are on the horns of a dilemma. I guess your husband is suffering from the dead battery syndrome. I remember reading on another website now redundant, of a wife who was faced with a similar situation and her husband gave her his assent to see others to have her sexual needs met as long as she did not get emotionally involved with any of them. With that agreement both husband and wife lived a happy life and the wife continued to love and respect her husband and care for him. I guess you know where I am heading with this. Your situation as also that of your husband is sensitive and delicate and has to be handled with tenderness, love and care. However, a good result is possible for both of you if these attributes are exercised carefully and sensibly. So go ahead and mull on that and take a joint decision with your husband. Warm wishes.

Edited March 7, 2021 by Just a Guy

[usa1ah]

The Bible is clear on your situation. It would be a sin to step out of your marriage. It was also a sin after your divorce. 
 

The thing is this, can you live with the sin and betraying your husband. I always thought marriage was for better or worse in sickness and in health. You knew full well that your husband had problems in intimacy, why did you marry him then?

I wonder if it rolls were reversed if your husband would be trying to step out on you or just leave you. Some how I doubt it. Kind of shows the difference on how the two of you love each other. His is unconditional and yours is only if he can get it up. Kind of messed up. 

[Female1959]

On 3/6/2021 at 5:05 PM, HappilyMarried said:

Hello @Female1959welcome to LS. I feel so sorry for you and your husband's and what you guys have been through the past year+. As you started on your OP its evident that your husband knows of course about his issues and your increased sex drive. I think you need to sit down and discuss ways to address these issues. How would he feel about a open relationship (marriage) for no emotional ties only physical to address your needs that he can no longer address maybe a couple of times a month. Please correct me if I'm wrong but also in reading your OP it seems to like you have pretty much decided what you are going to do with your young friend anyway. My next question is if you proceed down this path with your young friend with or without your husband's blessing do you feel you can keep it (sex only) with no intimate feelings coming into the situation?

I know you have some major decisions ahead I do hope you can have a good heart to heart with your husband and come to a understanding that could even deepen your love. Best of luck!

Thank you for your response and advice but I have thought about this a lot and his first wife had severe MH issues and he lived in hell for over 32 years and some of what he shared with me of things she said and did without a doubt was emasculating to him and I would rather try to compartmentalize this in a way that I can deal with it than try and talk to him about it. I have massage therapy 1-2 times a month to help my all I have going on and if I decide to do this I'm going to try and handle it the same way. Be very discreet and not to get involved emotionally because I do love and respect my husband no matter what.

[Ruby Slippers]

You took a vow before God to love and honor him in sickness and in health. Sounds like you want to stray from your vows. Obviously, this would be defying your Christian faith. Why would God send you this man? According to the Christian faith, life isn't all sunshine and roses. Sometimes we're tested to the extreme - Jesus being the ultimate example. I suppose only the most faithful will secure their eternal salvation by keeping the faith and weathering every storm. Talk to your pastor for guidance.

[HappilyMarried]

37 minutes ago, Female1959 said:

Thank you for your response and advice but I have thought about this a lot and his first wife had severe MH issues and he lived in hell for over 32 years and some of what he shared with me of things she said and did without a doubt was emasculating to him and I would rather try to compartmentalize this in a way that I can deal with it than try and talk to him about it. I have massage therapy 1-2 times a month to help my all I have going on and if I decide to do this I'm going to try and handle it the same way. Be very discreet and not to get involved emotionally because I do love and respect my husband no matter what.

I understand thanks for answering the question. I would just say that you be really honest with yourself and if you go down this route of having your need for sex on the side that if you start to feel emotions that you stop. However from reading your OP I think you already have intimate feelings towards your "friend" or I think it would very quickly turn to that. Have you thought about a dating site and just meet people for only sex and only meet a person 1-3 times and move on to someone else? This might work a lot better to keep from having an emotional attachment to anyone person. Just a suggestion again wishing you the best. I know by your writing you are very conflicted about your situation.

[Female1959]

43 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

You took a vow before God to love and honor him in sickness and in health. Sounds like you want to stray from your vows. Obviously, this would be defying your Christian faith. Why would God send you this man? According to the Christian faith, life isn't all sunshine and roses. Sometimes we're tested to the extreme - Jesus being the ultimate example. I suppose only the most faithful will secure their eternal salvation by keeping the faith and weathering every storm. Talk to your pastor for guidance.

No I don't think  I'll be talking to my pastor about my sex life. Thank you for your advice though  

[Female1959]

3 hours ago, usa1ah said:

The Bible is clear on your situation. It would be a sin to step out of your marriage. It was also a sin after your divorce. 
 

The thing is this, can you live with the sin and betraying your husband. I always thought marriage was for better or worse in sickness and in health. You knew full well that your husband had problems in intimacy, why did you marry him then?

I wonder if it rolls were reversed if your husband would be trying to step out on you or just leave you. Some how I doubt it. Kind of shows the difference on how the two of you love each other. His is unconditional and yours is only if he can get it up. Kind of messed up. 

WOW .. Everyone has their own opinion and I just read yours...As for my behavior after my divorce, I was emotionally and mentally abused for much of the 28 years  I was married to that man. During most of that time I was faithful in church and had my children with me when their father was not. He had his own business and stayed gone more than home, which was more women on the side than business....but I did my best to biblically do what was right. Had I not left he would still be treating me the same way he did during most of our entire marriage. 

As for my current husband I was upfront with him  about having a high sex drive that basically was nonexistent 75% of the first marriage because my ex basically killed any feelings I had for him and I had no desire even when I tried. 

I do love and respect my husband greatly and I hope and pray he fully recovers from this neurological disorder. I have stood by him and nursed him through the recovery of weeks in the trauma unit, multiple surgeries, weeks on the hospital floor with a month at the rehab hospital , months of therapy related to the MVA  am I have been right by his side and I am not going anywhere. Also your comment on my love is only when he can get it up. Well Buddy it has never been up for over 30 seconds and I was fine with that. We were working on it and he was satisfying me other ways but even after he fully recovered from the MVA of 4/26/2016,  Besides a peck on the cheek or a hug that I initiate he has made no attempt of any kind of intimacy. Possibly it could be the loss of his right foot that makes him feel embarrassed and less of a man but that is all in his head and I have done all I can to show him that doesn't bother me in the least. The loss of his foot has no effect on him being a man. Today he can barely talk, and could barely make the walk he insisted on going on when I walked our dogs. He resembles my father in his last years right now but I am going to be right here til the end. Also I handle everything pretty much on my own and there has not been much that I haven't at home and our finances since his MVA. He has no head for money and I found out he had run up a credit card over last year just spending  on nothing in particular to 10K.  I bit my lip, he gave me the card and I'm having m to manage to pay what I can a month until I knock it out. So don't tell me I don't love him. As I said it will be til death do us part. 

Also I had to learn "Don't judge somebody unless you have walked in their shoes". Scripture does say, Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you. It also says a Drunkard will not enter the gates of heaven. So if you get drunk on a 6 pack of beer  but you only get a buzz on drinking  one, well your still 1/6 drunk so I guess a beer will keep you out too.

 

[Female1959]

1 hour ago, HappilyMarried said:

I understand thanks for answering the question. I would just say that you be really honest with yourself and if you go down this route of having your need for sex on the side that if you start to feel emotions that you stop. However from reading your OP I think you already have intimate feelings towards your "friend" or I think it would very quickly turn to that. Have you thought about a dating site and just meet people for only sex and only meet a person 1-3 times and move on to someone else? This might work a lot better to keep from having an emotional attachment to anyone person. Just a suggestion again wishing you the best. I know by your writing you are very conflicted about your situation.

 

[BreakOnThrough]

Talk to your husband, that's the only right way to handle the situation, you may say you can compartmentalize your feelings, the reality is you more than likely will not be able to, you're human, with sex often come intimacy, intimacy that will then be reserved for someone else and not your husband, guilt will eventually follow.  If he agrees to allow you to go forward, you'll have a clearer conscience about it and "may" have a better shot at making the situation work, pushing it underground, more than likely not.  If he disagrees, then you can divorce, then move ahead.

[Female1959]

Just now, Female1959 said:

 

I did want to add I am not in a hurry to do something I will regret and right now if I did go meet someone all I would do is worry that my husband needed me. He has had a bad day. What is known about this neurological effect that it may take at least another few weeks until he has recovered any amount for him to be self reliant. I am hoping that he does. He  has a good day that his head is clear, no tremors, walks on his own and even has driven to therapy a few times. Today he can barely talk part of the time and could barely walk with his cane this morning. I am planning to talk to him when he has recovered more about us attempting some form of intimacy and see what his feelings are. If he does then that I hope takes care of the situation....if he has no desire then for us to be as we are then that will be my answer. As for the dating sites, I am not whatsoever interested in multiple sex partners and in this evil world no telling what to expect. You know the old saying " Better the devil you know than one you don't?" And I dated for several years and I know there is somebody I have not thought of and I'm not totally sold that "My young friend" and I can keep emotions out of it. As I said I'm still thinking this through.

 

 

 

[Female1959]

10 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said:

Talk to your husband, that's the only right way to handle the situation, you may say you can compartmentalize your feelings, the reality is you more than likely will not be able to, you're human, with sex often come intimacy, intimacy that will then be reserved for someone else and not your husband, guilt will eventually follow.  If he agrees to allow you to go forward, you'll have a clearer conscience about it and "may" have a better shot at making the situation work, pushing it underground, more than likely not.  If he disagrees, then you can divorce, then move ahead.

My husband has no one that he can depend on. I have no desire to divorce him and am not going to. I do love him and him me. I do intend to talk to him but I will not emasculate him and I don't care how I approach him all he will hear is " Since you can't preform I'm going to get sex on the side."The first wife did a number on him I am not.  I do intend when he has  recovered more, hopefully in a few weeks to broach the subject of my needs and if he is willing to attempt some form of intimacy with me. If he's does, problem solved, if not I think he will know what I intend to do without it being said 

 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, usa1ah said:

I wonder if it rolls were reversed if your husband would be trying to step out on you or just leave you. Some how I doubt it. Kind of shows the difference on how the two of you love each other. His is unconditional and yours is only if he can get it up. Kind of messed up. 

I'm curious as to why you assert this. This seem to be portraying the husband (who, to be fair, doesn't seem like a bad guy) as some sort of saint.

Do you mind sharing exactly how you know with such certainty that her husband's love is unconditional, and he wouldn't leave if, say, she gained 100 lbs, had her face disfigured in a car accident or became a paraplegic? I'd be curious as to where you gained this remarkable insight. Perhaps OP would be as well.

Clearly OP is struggling with a difficult situation where she is genuinely unhappy. Not everyone is cut out for a caregiver role and can be happy in it. The struggle here seems to be how to maintain some level of happiness without simply leaving her husband in the dust. JMO, but making him out to be some sort of saint and her to be evil for this doesn't seem reasonable or fair, particularly as she seems to be the one struggling emotionally with the prospect of things continuing as they are.

Edited March 8, 2021 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

You took a vow before God to love and honor him in sickness and in health. Sounds like you want to stray from your vows. Obviously, this would be defying your Christian faith. Why would God send you this man? According to the Christian faith, life isn't all sunshine and roses. Sometimes we're tested to the extreme - Jesus being the ultimate example. I suppose only the most faithful will secure their eternal salvation by keeping the faith and weathering every storm. Talk to your pastor for guidance.

Wait a second, aren't you divorced yourself?

[HappilyMarried]

48 minutes ago, Female1959 said:

I did want to add I am not in a hurry to do something I will regret and right now if I did go meet someone all I would do is worry that my husband needed me. He has had a bad day. What is known about this neurological effect that it may take at least another few weeks until he has recovered any amount for him to be self reliant. I am hoping that he does. He  has a good day that his head is clear, no tremors, walks on his own and even has driven to therapy a few times. Today he can barely talk part of the time and could barely walk with his cane this morning. I am planning to talk to him when he has recovered more about us attempting some form of intimacy and see what his feelings are. If he does then that I hope takes care of the situation....if he has no desire then for us to be as we are then that will be my answer. As for the dating sites, I am not whatsoever interested in multiple sex partners and in this evil world no telling what to expect. You know the old saying " Better the devil you know than one you don't?" And I dated for several years and I know there is somebody I have not thought of and I'm not totally sold that "My young friend" and I can keep emotions out of it. As I said I'm still thinking this through.

 

 

 

Thanks for clearing up some things. It was like I said above you seemed to already have a pretty deep emotional connection to your friend and when you said that you did not want to become emotionally involved with another person you would be having sex with. I just thought that would be another problem added to your already full plate. I just suggested dating sites like AM that would be an outlet that would maybe make it less likely to develop the emotional connection and would be easier to just have the physical need you have plus while you are at home you could get to know a person by talking online and getting to know a person before meeting up. It was just trying to provide some helpful suggestions of course you more than anyone knows what you are looking for and best need. Best of luck it sounds like you have some tough days ahead.

[Female1959]

On 3/6/2021 at 6:28 PM, Watercolors said:

Frankly, I think you should restart things with your former lover, whom you're reconnected to on FB. I normally don't condone or advocate for affairs, but in your case, if you aren't planning to divorce your husband who clearly is gaslighting you, by telling you that he only views you two as platonic roommates now, then by staying, you are showing your husband that you accept your new role as "roommate w/no strings attached." But clearly that's not really want you want. 

You wrote that you already know what you want to do. Do you mean, have an affair on the side with your FB friend? Why not. If your husband refuses to respect your needs, you have to get it somewhere. 

That was a misquote that I need to correct. My husband  didn't say we were nothing but roommates. I said that and truthfully that is all we are. He made the statement after his accident that we would be constant companions....but after he recovered from the MVA he has done other things that he has wanted to as in shooting and reloading shells, he is a gun enthusiast......Walking our dogs 3 miles a day and woodworking. He got tired of sitting home and money was really tight too especially with my health problems at the time so  he taught for a year, retired from teaching and then went to work at a Youth Home up until this sickness happened. If he could do all of those things why not sex? My opinion it was very hard on him with all the trying we did and it was stressful for him.....and I think he would rather not try then try and fail again. As I have said in a couple of post I'm going to give him time to recover and approach the subject of us trying again and if he wants to fine and if not I think he knows what I will discreetly do. It's either that or??

Edited March 8, 2021 by Female1959

[Ruby Slippers]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Wait a second, aren't you divorced yourself?

The thread isn't about me - but yes, I am. Mine was a secular marriage, not a Christian one.

The OP brought up her Christian faith and asked why God sent her this man with these limitations. I've always been very curious about various spiritual and religious belief systems and lifestyles, have been reading a lot about the Christian faith including Christian dating and marriage lately. Many of my values are in line with the Christian faith, but I haven't been "saved," so can't call myself a devout Christian. So I shared a summary of my recent takeaways about Christian marriage. 

The OP is obviously very frustrated. But supposedly in the Christian faith, there's guidance in the Bible for any problem and in counsel with religious guides such as pastors. The idea is that we all have our cross to bear, and walking with Christ means bearing your cross as gracefully as you can. If she doesn't want to talk to a pastor, she could talk to a Christian counselor about how to handle the matter.

But I'm no expert. Just the opinions of a woman on the internet

[Trail Blazer]

@Female1959

Nobody here can answer on behalf of God.  Everyones who believes in God has different interpretations, even if the same faith is believed.

I do not believe in God, so I can only answer from my perspective, which is probably an irrelevant one for you, if you care only to make sense of your situation from a biblical perspective.

At the end of the day, if you choose to stray from your religious beliefs, then you are acting in sin, according to your scripture.  Can you live with that?  Only you know the answer to that.

My personal view is that suppressing one's natural, sexual desires is unfair to the point of torturous.  If anyone with low libido doesn't get this, then it's their problem as much as it is the problem of the one who's sexually unsatisfied.

I would never advocate for cheating.  I think there's always a way, however that may come about.  Communication is key.  Marriage doesn't grant someone who's unable to have sex complete agency over their spouse's sexual needs.

Marriage and religion are way too rigid to practically incorporate the natural desires and needs of such a complex species like human beings.  Life is too short to be compromized by archaic ideology.

My advice is to talk to your husband and tell him what you need.  He needs to understand that it is cruel to suppress your sexual needs and that you wish to include him in your decison making to find a solution, but that at the end of the day something has to change.

If your husband completely forbids you from straying from those vows, he is within his rights to do so.  However, he must also bear the consequences of a sexually dissatisfied wife - one which should divorce him.

I do feel sorry for him.  He's had a torrid run.  Being someone who rides as well, I'm forever thinking about how it could only take one moment to turn my life upside down.  I limit how often I ride for this reason.  Bikes are death traps!

Having said that, we all make choices and we all must live with these choices.  He's made his choices and unfortunately, through no fault of his own, these choices haven't just impacted him, but they've impacted you as well.

Now, it's you who has choices to make.  What is it going to be?  Only you will decide.  Just remember, we are all responsible for our own happiness and we can't just rely on others.  If you are unhappy then it's you who must enact change.  

[Noproblem]

I am against cheating

End your marriage, stay friends & have affairs with others if you feel like it!

 

You can still be friends without staying married! 

Don't complicate your life, he is your best friend, and he said you two are roommates, so just end it and do whatever you want!

 

Other solution would be: open relationship with his knowledge! but I guess it would be awkward!

Edited March 9, 2021 by Noproblem

[Female1959]

Apparently no one reads all the post so let me repeat myself. Divorce is neither wanted or possible in our positions. My husband basically has no one but a son that is in the military and has seen his father 3 times in 8 years for a day or 2 at the most. He can post pics on SM of taking trips all over the globe but cant manage to see his father more then what he has. Our monies are tied up  together and I don't honestly know how we could afford to separate......and I don't know how he would get along without me. If I wasn't handling the finances we would be destitute and I'm not exaggerating. I love him he loves me....we are very good friends and all would be hunky dory if I didn't give a RIP about sex. My husband is the perfect example of what it does to someone that doesn't have sex for 20 years. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Many of my values are in line with the Christian faith, but I haven't been "saved," so can't call myself a devout Christian. So I shared a summary of my recent takeaways about Christian marriage.

Ok, fair enough RS. 🙂

[Trail Blazer]

6 hours ago, Female1959 said:

Apparently no one reads all the post so let me repeat myself. Divorce is neither wanted or possible in our positions. My husband basically has no one but a son that is in the military and has seen his father 3 times in 8 years for a day or 2 at the most. He can post pics on SM of taking trips all over the globe but cant manage to see his father more then what he has. Our monies are tied up  together and I don't honestly know how we could afford to separate......and I don't know how he would get along without me. If I wasn't handling the finances we would be destitute and I'm not exaggerating. I love him he loves me....we are very good friends and all would be hunky dory if I didn't give a RIP about sex. My husband is the perfect example of what it does to someone that doesn't have sex for 20 years. 

I've read the post completely.  You can't have it both ways.  If you want to follow your religion then you cannot go against the scripture and have sex with anyone else other than your husband.

If you don't like what your religion says, perhaps ditch it.  Clearly it's not working for you.  I have my views and I don't wish to offend anyone, so all I'll say is that perhaps you need to reassess your priorities.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/6/2021 at 3:03 PM, Female1959 said:

 He offered a nothing but sex relationship and says he knows there can't be anything else because of my situation. He swears that we could meet at his home .

Talk to your husband about an open relationship. It seems like he's tried to address the ED, but simply has no interest in sex.

You state that you need to be together for financial reasons. Are you his primary caregiver?

Between caregiver burnout, aging, lack of intimacy and this emotional affair, it seems you are in a confusing, frustrating place.

Can your friends and family help you? Perhaps you need some time away from your husband and someone who you can talk to.