Caauug Posted March 9, 2021 Share Posted March 9, 2021 14 hours ago, Female1959 said: I do love and respect my husband greatly and I hope and pray he fully recovers from this neurological disorder. I have stood by him and nursed him through the recovery of weeks in the trauma unit, multiple surgeries, weeks on the hospital floor with a month at the rehab hospital , months of therapy related to the MVA am I have been right by his side and I am not going anywhere. Good work OP. We have to give credit where credit is due. Right here proves you have done well and lived up to your end (so far). Now, as we all know when it comes down to infidelities', there will be a "Victim Card" card played by the WS..... There has to be a justified reason for going outside the marriage to get ones needs met...., Where is it? 10 hours ago, Female1959 said: If he could do all of those things why not sex? My opinion it was very hard on him with all the trying we did and it was stressful for him.....and I think he would rather not try then try and fail again. There are a few, I will go with this one. OP, there is always a few basic points in every infidelity, and you are hitting every one of them. The WS always points out how much of a saint they are, then on how wronged they have been "Victim Card". There is always the ultimatum, sometimes voiced, more often just implied.... 11 hours ago, Female1959 said: As I have said in a couple of post I'm going to give him time to recover and approach the subject of us trying again and if he wants to fine and if not I think he knows what I will discreetly do. Ultimatums rarely work for long (never when only implied). There has to be a need for change for any lasting effects.... I think you already know this.... Reminder: "H's rarely listen to W's thoughts". Now lets look at the OM..... How does he stack up against the very "Damaged" H ??? On 3/7/2021 at 4:03 AM, Female1959 said: Truth be told he was a younger man that I saw for several years when I was divorced. He liked older women and we had a chemistry that I have had no other like. We could talk about anything and I spilled my guts to him. He had a lot of growing up to do and has done it. He started his own business a few years ago and bought his own home. Still very handsome and clean cut. I can't understand why he is not married with kids but he said he likes older women and the good ones are taken. Very Good, you have kept yourself tidy and can still pull the younger men. As he was your "No other like" he will be compared to all others. You couldn't nail him down when you dated him as he is not that type of a man.... (Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?) Now that you are looking for a NSA side relationship, he is your prefect OM. We can see your choice of OM will not let you "Monkey Brach" to him, and you do not want to leave your H, why? 9 hours ago, Female1959 said: Our monies are tied up together and I don't honestly know how we could afford to separate...… People still do separate and life can go on.... Unless you want ALL of it??? What makes me say that??? 15 hours ago, Female1959 said: He resembles my father in his last years right now but I am going to be right here til the end. That's gotta hurt!!! Waiting for your husband to die..... Timeline: -Find the "Soul Mate" you had chemistry with, he's not the marrying type. -Settle for H, while his life is crashing and burning in front of you.... -While your life tied to your H in the apocalypse he is experiencing, you want to collect what you can from his ashes and ride the "Soul Mate"... -Ya gotta have a crack at making the best of a crap situation.... Good on ya!!! A lot of people make the wrong choices in life because they have no direction. I think you have clear direction on what you now want to achieve at this stage in your life. NB: I'm not here to judge. All comments are in MHO only. I am leaving region out of this post, that is between OP and her Maker, she will answer for that in due time... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Female1959 Posted March 9, 2021 Author Share Posted March 9, 2021 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Talk to your husband about an open relationship. It seems like he's tried to address the ED, but simply has no interest in sex. You state that you need to be together for financial reasons. Are you his primary caregiver? Between caregiver burnout, aging, lack of intimacy and this emotional affair, it seems you are in a confusing, frustrating place. Can your friends and family help you? Perhaps you need some time away from your husband and someone who you can talk to. As I've already stated he has no one else. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 9, 2021 Share Posted March 9, 2021 1 minute ago, Female1959 said: he has no one else. Why not hire some people to take some of the burden off yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Female1959 Posted March 9, 2021 Author Share Posted March 9, 2021 Hiring for anything is not an option. Money is very tight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Female1959 Posted March 9, 2021 Author Share Posted March 9, 2021 6 hours ago, Trail Blazer said: I've read the post completely. You can't have it both ways. If you want to follow your religion then you cannot go against the scripture and have sex with anyone else other than your husband. If you don't like what your religion says, perhaps ditch it. Clearly it's not working for you. I have my views and I don't wish to offend anyone, so all I'll say is that perhaps you need to reassess your priorities. You are not offending me. You have your opinion and your right but I learned years ago that everything is not black and white. We have a lot of gray area to live through. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted March 9, 2021 Share Posted March 9, 2021 This is a very difficult situation to be in. Maybe this will help. If the roles were reversed, how would you feel about your husband finding someone for physical comfort? Maybe your answer to this question will help you decide. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 9, 2021 Share Posted March 9, 2021 I think you've already decided what you are going to do, so my opinion really means nothing (not that it would mean anything anyways.) This is the problem I have with organized religion. Anyone can claim to be a good Christian, but then justify operating outside the limits of their religion for whatever reason suits them. That's why I am atheist. All my decisions are my own, I don't look to blame anyone else and I take full responsibility for my actions and so should you. What if the situation was reversed and your husband was the one with an insatiable libido and you could not satisfy him? Would it be okay if he stepped out and cheated on you? So many cheaters use the excuse that they don't want to hurt their SO, so they betray their spouse in secret. To me, if you're married, there is never an acceptable reason to cheat, let alone in secret behind your spouse's back - regardless of the reason. If I were you, I would find a way to communicate with him and share with him the fact that you cannot live without sex. You can do that without emasculating him, but still allowing him to have a say in his marriage. It's only fair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Trail Blazer Posted March 9, 2021 Share Posted March 9, 2021 5 hours ago, Female1959 said: You are not offending me. You have your opinion and your right but I learned years ago that everything is not black and white. We have a lot of gray area to live through. Exactly right. Which is why scripture doesn't fit in with modern society. Scripture doesn't allow for much "gray area" when its teachings are black or white. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 (edited) On 3/8/2021 at 2:40 PM, Female1959 said: WOW .. Everyone has their own opinion and I just read yours...As for my behavior after my divorce, I was emotionally and mentally abused for much of the 28 years I was married to that man. During most of that time I was faithful in church and had my children with me when their father was not. He had his own business and stayed gone more than home, which was more women on the side than business....but I did my best to biblically do what was right. Had I not left he would still be treating me the same way he did during most of our entire marriage. As for my current husband I was upfront with him about having a high sex drive that basically was nonexistent 75% of the first marriage because my ex basically killed any feelings I had for him and I had no desire even when I tried. I do love and respect my husband greatly and I hope and pray he fully recovers from this neurological disorder. I have stood by him and nursed him through the recovery of weeks in the trauma unit, multiple surgeries, weeks on the hospital floor with a month at the rehab hospital , months of therapy related to the MVA am I have been right by his side and I am not going anywhere. Also your comment on my love is only when he can get it up. Well Buddy it has never been up for over 30 seconds and I was fine with that. We were working on it and he was satisfying me other ways but even after he fully recovered from the MVA of 4/26/2016, Besides a peck on the cheek or a hug that I initiate he has made no attempt of any kind of intimacy. Possibly it could be the loss of his right foot that makes him feel embarrassed and less of a man but that is all in his head and I have done all I can to show him that doesn't bother me in the least. The loss of his foot has no effect on him being a man. Today he can barely talk, and could barely make the walk he insisted on going on when I walked our dogs. He resembles my father in his last years right now but I am going to be right here til the end. Also I handle everything pretty much on my own and there has not been much that I haven't at home and our finances since his MVA. He has no head for money and I found out he had run up a credit card over last year just spending on nothing in particular to 10K. I bit my lip, he gave me the card and I'm having m to manage to pay what I can a month until I knock it out. So don't tell me I don't love him. As I said it will be til death do us part. Also I had to learn "Don't judge somebody unless you have walked in their shoes". Scripture does say, Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you. It also says a Drunkard will not enter the gates of heaven. So if you get drunk on a 6 pack of beer but you only get a buzz on drinking one, well your still 1/6 drunk so I guess a beer will keep you out too. Your not the only one to go through hell and back. Some of us don’t cheat along the way. Make any excuse you want, you’re cheating on your husband by just talking with your old lover. It’s called an emotional affair. Call me what ever you want, you are still becoming your ex husband by cheating on your current. You also knew full well about your husband’s inability in sex. Still just excuses on your part. Edited March 10, 2021 by usa1ah 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Female1959 Posted March 10, 2021 Author Share Posted March 10, 2021 2 hours ago, usa1ah said: Your not the only one to go through hell and back. Some of us don’t cheat along the way. Make any excuse you want, you’re cheating on your husband by just talking with your old lover. It’s called an emotional affair. Call me what ever you want, you are still becoming your ex husband by cheating on your current. You also knew full well about your husband’s inability in sex. Still just excuses on your part. I haven't done anything except have a chat conversation on FB. Nothing else. I dont know what I'm going to do yet except have a heart to heart with my husband that I happen to love. As for knowing anything, I was clear I had a high sex drive as he was clear that he had not had sex in 20 years. As I said things were great even without nothing but attempts at the norm until his accident and he did fully recover. I don't know the reason that he has never attempted to restart our sex life but when he recovers we will have the talk. As for you...you don't know it all or completely about my life...you don't have an opinion...you are just being judgemental and rude. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 (edited) 16 hours ago, Female1959 said: I haven't done anything except have a chat conversation on FB. Nothing else. I dont know what I'm going to do yet except have a heart to heart with my husband that I happen to love. As for knowing anything, I was clear I had a high sex drive as he was clear that he had not had sex in 20 years. As I said things were great even without nothing but attempts at the norm until his accident and he did fully recover. I don't know the reason that he has never attempted to restart our sex life but when he recovers we will have the talk. As for you...you don't know it all or completely about my life...you don't have an opinion...you are just being judgemental and rude. You have planned out the details in meeting up with him for sex. That is a lot more then just a chat. I’m not being judgmental, just stating the facts as you have given them. If speaking the truth is rude, then so be it. My opinion is this. You are cheating on your husband in a EA that you want to turn into a PA. You are becoming your ex that cheated on you all of those years. Edited March 10, 2021 by usa1ah 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 The thing is this. Your husband’s injury could have taken his sex drive away completely, never to return. Would you be ok if your husband was with another woman sexually? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 I'm not religious myself, but it sounds like you are a person of faith. Assuming you mean the christian faith, isn't one of the commandments that one not commit adultery? If you do decide to go outside your marriage, do you feel you will be able to reconcile this with your choice? If you and your spouse decide on an open marriage so you can have your needs met, do you feel you would be adhering to your faith? Assuming you are your spouse decide an open marriage is a viable option, what will you do if you start to develop feelings for another man? I don't have experience with an open marriage, but from what i have heard others say, those who are able to make it work are 100 percent honest with each other and have these sorts of discussions well before they take any concrete action. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Female1959 Posted March 11, 2021 Author Share Posted March 11, 2021 4 hours ago, usa1ah said: You have planned out the details in meeting up with him for sex. That is a lot more then just a chat. I’m not being judgmental, just stating the facts as you have given them. If speaking the truth is rude, then so be it. My opinion is this. You are cheating on your husband in a EA that you want to turn into a PA. You are becoming your ex that cheated on you all of those years. No I'm not becoming what my ex was which was a whoredog that had multiple girlfriends on the side apparently just about our entire marriage according to friends and family decided they could fill me in on all of it after we divorced. You have stated that twice and I got it the first time. As for emotionally cheating I have not. Had I been sexting or having phone sex, which I have not that would emotional cheating. I had one chat conversation that I felt like I would explode if I didn't talk to someone and he offered. It hasn't went any further than that. If the situation was reversed and I had no desire for sex and he was discreet and he felt miserable without having his needs met. Well what I don't know won't hurt me. As for you replying to anything else on my thread don't. You have made yourself clearly understood and I heard you loud and clear 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted March 11, 2021 Share Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) If your husband overheard the conversation you had with your ex, would he be upset by it? If so, it’s cheating. You don’t have to do anything but talk to another man about the problems in your marriage and lack of sex. That is emotional support, emotional affair with your ex. The thing is this, your husband will know your off F’n another man if you do. Your attitude will change and he will see it in your face. That will definitely be a great way to show him how worthless he is. I will stop post on your thread. Edited March 11, 2021 by usa1ah Link to post Share on other sites
Author Female1959 Posted March 11, 2021 Author Share Posted March 11, 2021 1 hour ago, usa1ah said: If your husband overheard the conversation you had with your ex, would he be upset by it? If so, it’s cheating. You don’t have to do anything but talk to another man about the problems in your marriage and lack of sex. That is emotional support, emotional affair with your ex. The thing is this, your husband will know your off F’n another man if you do. Your attitude will change and he will see it in your face. That will definitely be a great way to show him how worthless he is. I will stop post on your thread. Yes, As I said I got you loud and clear! You didnt have to post this but you come across as having to get in the last word and driving it home and you have. I got you !! Stop!! Link to post Share on other sites
hajk Posted March 11, 2021 Share Posted March 11, 2021 @Female1959 you can change your profile setting to ignore certain users, so you won't see their posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Female1959 Posted March 11, 2021 Author Share Posted March 11, 2021 Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 Hi Female 1959, guess you must have read my previous post along with those of others. I just wanted to add to what I had to say by mentioning that in one of your replies to others, you said that your husband lived without sex for 22 years because his first wife was not capable of having sex with him and this had a disastrous effect on him, emotionally as well as physically. He is now rendered incapable of having sex. I am sure that after his terrible experience, he would be open to considering your genuine needs and not have you suffer needlessly because of his own incapability. As I suggested in my previous post, you could have a heart to heart talk with him and get his consent to let you have your needs met elsewhere. Given the catch twenty two situation that you have mentioned in your posts where you have made it amply clear that a) you both love each other dearly and b) that your husband has no one else to look after him and also c) that your finances are tied up together and if you do not manage them then both of you would be on the streets, I think a little kindness and understanding on his part would go a long way to resolve matters. Just a thought. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted March 25, 2021 Share Posted March 25, 2021 Hi Female, I can relate to wanting intimacy. My husband has medical problems that mean we don’t have a sex life, it’s intimacy I miss, not just the act. I’ve tried talking to H about it, but he shuts down. It’s odd because we had such a great sex life at one time. I miss being held and it affects self esteem. I’m 64, but I’m a young 64, I know I could go out and attract other men, but, it’s my husband I miss. For me, I couldn’t and don’t want anyone else, but, I understand the want for an active sex life, good sex is a wonderful thing. I can’t imagine how having high testosterone is affecting your drive. I have no advice to offer, I’ll just add it’s your conscience, it’s what you can square with yourself. I also think the arrangements with the young man sounds a solution, but you have to live with your actions. I wish you the very best, xxx Link to post Share on other sites
HappilyMarried Posted March 25, 2021 Share Posted March 25, 2021 Hello, @Female1959just checking in to see how things were progressing. I know you had said once your husband's health had improved you were going to have a talk about your intimacy and physical needs. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted April 4, 2021 Share Posted April 4, 2021 On 3/9/2021 at 3:30 PM, Trail Blazer said: Exactly right. Which is why scripture doesn't fit in with modern society. Scripture doesn't allow for much "gray area" when its teachings are black or white. I don't believe it's so black and white; that's why it's called "the mystery of faith." 😉 To each their own of course. Op, when I was an OW, at times my involvement with MM would nag at me while I sat in the church pew. It can be a significant source of inner turmoil so do give it appropriate weight if your faith is important to you. Link to post Share on other sites
HappilyMarried Posted April 5, 2021 Share Posted April 5, 2021 Hello @Female1959hope all is well with you and your spouse just sitting around on this beautiful spring day in my neck of the woods and thought I would see if your spouse and recovered enough to have your talk and if so how it went. Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Female1959 Posted April 6, 2021 Author Share Posted April 6, 2021 He has recovered well but still not 100%. I have tried to bring this up a couple of times with no response. I think I'm going to let sleeping dogs lie right now 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappilyMarried Posted April 6, 2021 Share Posted April 6, 2021 49 minutes ago, Female1959 said: He has recovered well but still not 100%. I have tried to bring this up a couple of times with no response. I think I'm going to let sleeping dogs lie right now I am glad to hear he is improving. Be patient. Maybe his love for you he will come along to a decision on his own. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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