Wanting to Progress Faster Than Girlfriend. How to Keep From Being Hurt?

[thewoomensay]

16 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

Barely 2 months, not 5. They misled us here,  using 2 usernames (the original username is different to the one they're using to answer us). If you look at the posting history of the account they're using to answer us, you'll see they made another post about meeting this person in Jan of this year.

I am so confused by all this.

Thank you for catching that.

[Love2Love78]

28 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

It's great to have a think about what matters to you like this, and good to ask ourselves how important things are.

There's no way to know if someone encompasses all those things when barely 2 months of limerence have passed, though (nor for them to know if we are all of those things we claim to be). Our imaginations run wild during the limerence phase. Also, most things are vague on your list - every human would claim to be most of them, despite their behaviour showing they're not. It's also not the basis for something long-lasting to imagine someone good for us is just like us, because all kinds of people could be good for us, and difference can be magnificent (context is everything).

• "Highly Intelligent" <<<what does that mean? Is it bookish? Is it qualifications? Is it being able to sit with any type of person, and show warmth and find common ground? Is it being able to talk about any topic? 
• "Understanding and non-judgmental" <<<what does that mean? Is it living amongst all kinds of people? Is it volunteering to support the needy? Is it listening to whatever people say, and not passing comment? Is it having lived such a varied life, that empathy comes easy, whatever someone is going through?
• "Knows how to make a relationship work (read a lot of the same relationship books, like Fighting for Your Marriage by Markman et al., and a few others;  she does know how to make a relationship work, she just knew she wasn't ready at this time)" <<<neither of you have shown this in this short relationship, based on your posts
• "Love kids (she was a great mother and great with my kids)" <<<neither of you have shown this in this short relationship, based on your posts

I think 4 things of big importance missing from your list, which are important for anyone to consider, are:

• the  stuff pertaining to "what would happen day-to-day in our relationship to show this? how often would this happen for me to be able to confidently say this is consistent behaviour?"
• the stuff pertaining to "what do I hope they are good at, that I am not, so they can help me to grow? what's the stuff I think matters, that doesn't? what's the stuff I can compromise easily on?"
• the stuff pertaining to "what's the good stuff I do easily?  what are my annoying habits? what are the things about me that could annoy someone to such an extent that they could think it's better to  be without me?"
• the stuff pertaining to "what are their annoying habits? what are things about them I find tough to stomach?"

Thank you for the feedback.  I am definitely going to consider those questions you put at the end of your post there and implement them into my "wish list."

As far as the questions at the top, the "intelligence" one is VERY hard for me to find.  I am talking mainly general IQ - the ability to process information in a useful way.  High IQs are demonstrated in tons of ways.  Typically, I can tell when they can keep up in intellectual conversations, philosophical conversations, fast talkers (who aren't just talking to talk), academic performance (although sometimes boredom causes this to be lacking, especially in high school years).  I know when it comes to dating, I seem mentally handicapped, but it's mainly because I have a very hard time throttling my emotions (along with some other problems).  Think Sheldon from Big Bang Theory (actually was an astroparticle physics major) without the narcissistic tendencies, a LOT more emotional, and better social skills.

For example, I had a woman I dated years ago for 4.5yrs.  She was an absolute sweetheart.  She was fun to be around, I loved her company, overall most things were amazing.  But, when it came to discussions of settling down and having children, that's when I hit a brick wall.  The problem was, she couldn't keep up.  We had similar spiritual beliefs, and started trying to read books together.  It would all go right over her head.  To add, I have tutored a LOT over the years through YMCAs (child development centers) and even fellow classmates in college.  I tried to teach her time and time again.  I would explain it forwards, backwards, reverse, upside down, diagonal, yet she STILL wouldn't be able to get it.  I just couldn't have a future with her.

Based on the statistics, the type of IQ I look for consists of less than 0.5% of the population.  So, if I'm lucky, one in every 200 women I come across would hit the bare minimum of what I prefer.  Less than that and there is serious risk of me becoming bored of them.  It has happened multiple times in the past.  It's not me being snooty or anything.  It's just when it comes to a relationship, I crave intellectual stimulation as a part of it.  

But anyway, that one alone slims down my choices substantially.  Then, the odds of finding someone into victorian/gothic tastes is also extremely rare, as are a lot of those other things.  So, I know my list is unreasonable, hence why I was so shocked and excited when I found someone that seemed to have all of them.

And you certainly could be right as far as her not necessarily meeting all the criteria, but faking her way through some.  But, some of those  you can't fake.  I mean like there pictures of her at a Spooky Empire event on her profile, she has pictures all over her computer of Victorian furniture for when she gets a new home, etc.  

I am definitely going to reflect on what I need to see on a daily basis in order to show those things.  I definitely feel actions speak a lot louder than words, and in the past, I dealt with a lot of people who had a lot to say, but no action to back it.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

Based on the statistics, the type of IQ I look for consists of less than 0.5% of the population. 

I am going to make a point here, and please don't throw rocks at me but....women with high IQ that represent 0.5% of population usually don't live for 8 months in their mom's guest room after a separation, they have high paying jobs with benefits and insurances. 

[Love2Love78]

59 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Of course you will find it again, and probably find someone even better. For this to happen you need to grow emotionally. You seem to suffer from emotional dependency and emotional dependency is not about loving someone, it's about filling a void and looking for someone else to make us happy. 

You also seem to be addicted to the new-relationship-energy & the release of the oxytocin when you meet someone new that you're excited about and you call all that *love*. It is not love. Love is when the honeymoon phase has gone, when you see the person for whom she is with all of her flaws, and you still want them in your life.  You need a good 6 months to identify if what you feel is infatuation or love. 

Now, your list of requirement is not something hard to find. Most women have all of those qualities ( ok maybe not the graveyard one :-)) . What you are doing now is put this woman on a pedestal that she may not even deserve because you've only known her for 60 days. You've spent more time with your barber than you spent with her. 

I get why you would see this that way.  I would say it's more an issue of being susceptible to love-bombing than emotional dependency.  I can't stand lying to people, so when I first meet someone, since *everyone* always claims they are honest, I try to believe them.  Personally, I won't even lie to my kids about things like Santa Claus.  I just won't do it.  

If I was emotionally dependent on others for my happiness, I wouldn't have spent most of 2019 and 2020 single.  I was single the entire year of 2019, minus a short period where I dated for a bit.  But, nothing serious at all whatsoever.  So, it's not like I am dependent on always having someone to be happy by any means.  I was perfectly content fixing myself and things I needed to do in 2019 without anyone, knowing that I needed to fix me before I could be good for anyone else. 

At the start of 2020, I wasn't planning to date yet, but things just happened with someone at work.  I had known them for about 3-4mos at work prior, and they seemed very nice.  That was the covert narcissist.  I only dealt with an overt one prior to that, so it was all new to me.  Took me a while to realize there are two completely different types, but started noticing the patterns very early into dating them.  Two months later, I was out.  Spent Feb to Oct single in 2020.  Then, while I didn't intend to date yet, came across someone I knew years before.  We started talking, she love-bombed me to get away from a miserable marriage, fed me tons of lies, and I fell for it.  I could tell things didn't completely add up, but with how long I knew her and how much others had hurt both her and myself, I figured surely, she wouldn't do the same to me.  I was wrong, and in early Dec, I found out how much she was lying and broke it off.  Found out I was just an affair and that they were nowhere near actually over.

This one this year was also sort of inadvertent.  I had myself on dating sites, but I wasn't making much effort.  I would log into a couple dating profiles just to put myself out there, but I wasn't contacting anyone.  Then, I saw my last girlfriend's profile, liked how compatible we seemed from our questions (99% match), and I liked how honest and open she seemed from her profile.  So, I actually messaged her and it went from there.          

I just get my hopes up over people WAY too fast, because I get wound up in the feelings, the hope of what it might become, etc.  And the biggest part I think I need to work on is being more realistic.  Not being so quick to believe the things people tell me and watch how their actions pair up with their words.  It's just hard for me to set my feelings aside.  That is what I can't seem to do - throttle those emotions enough in the beginning.

[Love2Love78]

29 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am going to make a point here, and please don't throw rocks at me but....women with high IQ that represent 0.5% of population usually don't live for 8 months in their mom's guest room after a separation, they have high paying jobs with benefits and insurances. 

Actually, a high IQ is completely irrelevant to financial success.  A man with one of the highest IQs recorded is actually a bouncer in NY city.  There are many other factors determining success, including work ethic, environment, upbringing, etc.  

Also, a part of it was how controlling her ex was.  For most of the relationship, she was a housewife.  He wouldn't let her work.  It was a part of the control.  When she decided she wanted a divorce, she had to work her way back into the workforce again.  

He also took pretty much all the assets.  Even with their tax returns, he had her file them mutually together and he took almost all of it to fix his car he broke out of negligence.   In hindsight, with how much he takes advantage of her and she lets him, instead of bringing it up as a problem, I should have just walked away.  Lots of reasons I should have walked away.  But, I thought she was fixing it over time.  Now, honestly, I really don't know if she ever will.  I'm thinking she will most likely just eventually cave, pay the mediator to get paperwork basically giving him everything they accumulated over the years, then pay the court fees to hand him everything, and continue living with her mom until she finds a roommate to live with.

Months or years down the road, she will find some sucker oblivious to the fact that she is a doormat to her ex-husband.  But yea, I was steadily losing respect for her as time went on, seeing how much he took advantage of her, and her doing nothing in response.  I honestly wouldn't be the least bit surprised if she never does and follows her original plan to just wait for him to "lose interest."  Sad way to live, but her life.  The more time goes on, the more I'm glad I'm not a part of that dumpster fire.

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I am going to make a point here, and please don't throw rocks at me but....women with high IQ that represent 0.5% of population usually don't live for 8 months in their mom's guest room after a separation, they have high paying jobs with benefits and insurances. 

Agreed. How someone with a high IQ finds herself in the situations and lack of judgement she's exhibited is kind of Idk weird.  Off.   Anyway, you will get an equal or perhaps a better match for you from someone who is strong social IQ, more of a sense of how to work in the world.  

I mean I guess everyone is entitled to their preferences and I surely have nothing against high IQ's on paper but it's a odd request in a dating wishlist context.  As if a person cannot "relate" to you and others ie their emotional/social IQ, what is stuck in their head as far as reasoning ability etc for a true IQ is virtually worthless.  I would say her own history (not trying to put her down) just show that if she is high on the IQ scale, somethings going wrong with getting the smart that is in her head out into her real life reality.

I think you sound like you are idolizing her to justify and be in the relationship.  Like someone said (Sara, maybe?), I think you are addicted to this limerence periods and go all in when you get that hormone hit from them. Then your co-dependency stuff takes over. While you may feel self-assured and confident in some senses, your behavior within these relationships (all 3 that you've described) shows that maybe deep down you are not secure, not confident about some part of it/yourself/your ability to be loved.   When you described all 3 of them, I see repeating patterns of lots of drama, intensity that makes you believe these are fated relationships, overvaluing the other person, kind of a lack of reality or grounding, and quick crash and burns as well as EXTREME feelings and extreme descriptions of the relationships, the women, yourself IN the relationships.  I get that we all operate on a spectrum of different gradients of how hard we go in, but your patterns are working against you.  You don't need to justify it to us.  I think the best step would be to admit it to yourself and make changes (for no one but yourself).  You don't have really anything to prove to us so no need to be on the defense or keep explaining or be embarrassed that you ended up here.  

Funny, I keep bringing up the Other Man forum that you were participating in as one of your personas, but I can only say that the intensity and way that you approach these relationships reminds me of the way most of the women & other men in those forums do.  Idk, it's like another level (not in a good way, sorry).  Almost like you are addicted to the pattern.  and the highs & lows of it all. Not healthy IMO.  Hopefully you can work through things and Idk, perhaps put the need for drama (sorry) to the side.  That's what I think you should work on with your (new!) therapist, among other things

[Versacehottie]

And yes like you, I'm aware of some of the high IQ people ending up in dead end jobs or lives.  So what exactly is the appeal of putting a true high IQ on your list vs an emotional or social IQ?

[Love2Love78]

45 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

And yes like you, I'm aware of some of the high IQ people ending up in dead end jobs or lives.  So what exactly is the appeal of putting a true high IQ on your list vs an emotional or social IQ?

Well, my list was intended more so for me, not a list for others to refer to.  So, I didn't delve into the details of exactly what some of them mean, because I knew the meaning for me on a personal level.

As far as the IQ, I know there are various types of IQ.  But, I can tell you now, if someone has an average IQ and struggled in school, they will bore me.  I need people with relatively high IQs, but it's more than that.  And yes, I do pay attention to their emotional and social IQs as well.  I know my emotional IQ is low, and something I have been trying to work on (hence why I'm here, and other resources of course). 

Ultimately, the IQ thing is about someone who can keep up during intellectual conversations or points of self-growth/development.  Someone who can challenge me at times intellectually.  Someone who grows and learns over the years, not just remains stagnant with the same dead-end job for decades with no other aspirations or hobbies.  The IQ thing  is a VERY general summary of what I look for overall regarding that.

Like for example, say I'm going on a new business venture.  I'd like someone where if I talk to them about it in layman's terms, it isn't going to fly over their head and leave them clueless.  Or, even if they aren't into the sciences like me, at least if I explain something I'm working on, they can keep up enough to know generally what is going on. 

It's hard to sum up all the traits you generally see with someone with a higher IQ than average.  There are plenty of lists online, but I never cared to compile one.  It's more of an overall experience with someone with a high IQ that I like.  Plus, like I said, there has been multiple incidences in the past where I dated women who were just slower mentally and I couldn't handle it.  I got bored with them and lost interest because of it.  It's not something I can help, just my preference.

[Love2Love78]

Update:  I thought I took her off my social media.  Apparently, she was still on my Instagram.  Just took her off and blocked her.  What I saw REALLY stung.

She made a post today with a phoenix picture and she wrote "Having one of the best days in a while.  If I know nothing else, I will always rise."

I know she said she wants to get a phoenix tattoo when the divorce is over to symbolize her "rebirth."  But, I mean to post something like that right after our breakup, I feel like it is a slap in my face.

I know her neck issues couldn't be fixed yet.  I also know there is no way in hell her ex has backed off her.  So, unless she won the lotto, the only thing it *could* be directed towards is me.

So odd, as she just called that friend the other day crying about losing me, now, she posts that knowing I was still on there.  Well, not anymore.

Even if she does reach out anytime soon, I'm completely ignoring her, no matter what it says.  30 day NC bare minimum, but I don't see myself talking to her after that either.  This just re-opened the wound that was finally starting to scab over and jammed lemon into it 

[Versacehottie]

6 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

Update:  I thought I took her off my social media.  Apparently, she was still on my Instagram.  Just took her off and blocked her.  What I saw REALLY stung.

Bolded ^^^ come on now....lol, I'd venture to guess my IQ is a little lower than your ex-gf's and even I can see through this one🤪🤪🤪!!!  You keeping lying to yourself (and us).  If you think we can't see through the little ways you are looking to "stay attached", stay connected to her, you are wrong.  Not trying to kick you while you are down, just bring you back to reality and get your feet on the ground.

As far as IQ goes, since I was half joking above.  I would bet (based on the way you've described intelligence here), that the majority of the people (including the women) that post on this forum could keep up with that level of intelligence, as you've described it..  I think you're valuing her too high and then placing her on a pedestal like she has some abnormal IQ and is uber special, when her life circumstance alone kind of indicates that is not the case.

I'm sorry you saw what she posted on her social media.  Knowing you were still following her, idk it seems kind of cruel or insensitive.  I thought she was perfect?  I don't want to feed into it too much because I know you will be off and running if I do--but the does also sound like she knew you might read it or highly melodramatic in any case.  Well, please don't go off and running with that one---like she is thinking of you.  She is about herself, first and foremost, it's blatantly obvious.  And both of you seem to like a bit of the melodrama. I highly highly recommend that you stick with no contact.  30 days and then more.  There's no reason to open it back up. She can contact you through the mutual friend if you ever need to go there. 30 days is too arbitrary.  Her life won't be different in 30 days--she's not a never been married, single person--she has real and heavy problems.  And nothing will be different for you both in 30 days. Sorry that's just reality. Tough love.

[Love2Love78]

3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Bolded ^^^ come on now....lol, I'd venture to guess my IQ is a little lower than your ex-gf's and even I can see through this one🤪🤪🤪!!!  You keeping lying to yourself (and us).  If you think we can't see through the little ways you are looking to "stay attached", stay connected to her, you are wrong.  Not trying to kick you while you are down, just bring you back to reality and get your feet on the ground.

As far as IQ goes, since I was half joking above.  I would bet (based on the way you've described intelligence here), that the majority of the people (including the women) that post on this forum could keep up with that level of intelligence, as you've described it..  I think you're valuing her too high and then placing her on a pedestal like she has some abnormal IQ and is uber special, when her life circumstance alone kind of indicates that is not the case.

I'm sorry you saw what she posted on her social media.  Knowing you were still following her, idk it seems kind of cruel or insensitive.  I thought she was perfect?  I don't want to feed into it too much because I know you will be off and running if I do--but the does also sound like she knew you might read it or highly melodramatic in any case.  Well, please don't go off and running with that one---like she is thinking of you.  She is about herself, first and foremost, it's blatantly obvious.  And both of you seem to like a bit of the melodrama. I highly highly recommend that you stick with no contact.  30 days and then more.  There's no reason to open it back up. She can contact you through the mutual friend if you ever need to go there. 30 days is too arbitrary.  Her life won't be different in 30 days--she's not a never been married, single person--she has real and heavy problems.  And nothing will be different for you both in 30 days. Sorry that's just reality. Tough love.

She was already blocked on FB, removed from my Life360, and Insta was the only thing left.  I know better than to intentionally look at her social media at this time.  Completely defies the whole 30 day no contact rule (focus on yourself) thing.  I don't have insta on my phone, and rarely ever use it on my comp.  It's just not my thing, hence why I didn't realize until now. 

The one thing I DID do wrong is when I saw her still on my "following" list, I went to her page.  That was the stupid part.  But, no, I don't want any ties to her at this time. 

I am doing my best to detach.  Blocked on everything (except her number, just so I know if she does try to reach out in case I do decide to reach out later after the 30 day min), I don't live near her, so not going anywhere near her or even her town, deleted all her pictures off my phone, put everything into an encrypted folder on my computer that I never access, and put together a list of the reasons I SHOULD NOT be with her.  So, whenever I start to feel really bad and miss her, I have that to reference to in order to remind me why I SHOULD NOT miss her at all and why this is the right thing at this time.

In all honesty, after seeing that message, while painful, it was also a bit relieving.  I actually felt a little bad for her the other day after her sob story to our friend.  Now, I don't anymore.  Plus, makes it MUCH easier to completely ignore her if she reaches out anytime soon.

Most of you are right.  I know this.  The more I look back and see this stuff, the more it is "good riddance."  She has serious freaking issues, and while I was willing to work through them to be with her, in hindsight, seeing how little she appreciated that, it was a HUGE mistake.  Never again, that's for damn sure.

I mean my dumbass might talk to her after the 30 days, but I couldn't see myself getting back together with her.  If that even happens, I'd be sure to reach out here and get advice from you all before I even replied to her.

[Gaeta]

28 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

Update:  I thought I took her off my social media.  Apparently, she was still on my Instagram.  Just took her off and blocked her.  What I saw REALLY stung.

She made a post today with a phoenix picture and she wrote "Having one of the best days in a while.  If I know nothing else, I will always rise."

I know she said she wants to get a phoenix tattoo when the divorce is over to symbolize her "rebirth."  But, I mean to post something like that right after our breakup, I feel like it is a slap in my face.

So odd, as she just called that friend the other day crying about losing me, now, she posts that knowing I was still on there.  Well, not anymore.

She is relieved because of the breakup. It was a surprised for you, it was something she had been planning for a while.  In the whole conversation she had with her friend you keep concentrating of one item that made you think she was hurt to lose you but in reality the whole conversation was about how she was sad to 'hurt you'.

[Gaeta]

In 30 days you will feel better.

30 days is 50% of the length of this relationship. 

You spoke about liking personal growth reading now is time to get those books out and log on youtube. 

In the next few days you'll experience withdrawal, you do your best to drag yourself through those days then it will get easier to manage. Stay strong. 

[Love2Love78]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

In 30 days you will feel better.

30 days is 50% of the length of this relationship. 

You spoke about liking personal growth reading now is time to get those books out and log on youtube. 

In the next few days you'll experience withdrawal, you do your best to drag yourself through those days then it will get easier to manage. Stay strong. 

Thanks.  Trying to focus on myself at this point.

[dramafreezone]

18 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

She was already blocked on FB, removed from my Life360, and Insta was the only thing left.  I know better than to intentionally look at her social media at this time.  Completely defies the whole 30 day no contact rule (focus on yourself) thing.  I don't have insta on my phone, and rarely ever use it on my comp.  It's just not my thing, hence why I didn't realize until now. 

The one thing I DID do wrong is when I saw her still on my "following" list, I went to her page.  That was the stupid part.  But, no, I don't want any ties to her at this time. 

I am doing my best to detach.  Blocked on everything (except her number, just so I know if she does try to reach out in case I do decide to reach out later after the 30 day min), I don't live near her, so not going anywhere near her or even her town, deleted all her pictures off my phone, put everything into an encrypted folder on my computer that I never access, and put together a list of the reasons I SHOULD NOT be with her.  So, whenever I start to feel really bad and miss her, I have that to reference to in order to remind me why I SHOULD NOT miss her at all and why this is the right thing at this time.

In all honesty, after seeing that message, while painful, it was also a bit relieving.  I actually felt a little bad for her the other day after her sob story to our friend.  Now, I don't anymore.  Plus, makes it MUCH easier to completely ignore her if she reaches out anytime soon.

Most of you are right.  I know this.  The more I look back and see this stuff, the more it is "good riddance."  She has serious freaking issues, and while I was willing to work through them to be with her, in hindsight, seeing how little she appreciated that, it was a HUGE mistake.  Never again, that's for damn sure.

I mean my dumbass might talk to her after the 30 days, but I couldn't see myself getting back together with her.  If that even happens, I'd be sure to reach out here and get advice from you all before I even replied to her.

You will go back to her if you don't have anything else going on when she reaches back out to test the waters.  So if you mean that, you need to really move on.

I'm not a huge fan of this intentional NC.  Essentially it's a deliberate effort directed towards her, so by itself its counterproductive.  What I am a fan of is delving into your career, your children, your hobbies, dating, those are things you should be doing anyway.  That's natural NC.  If you don't fill your life with purpose you could go NC for a year and soon as she comes a calling you'll go back beacuse you've not filled that void that she was filling.

[Versacehottie]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

You will go back to her if you don't have anything else going on when she reaches back out to test the waters.  So if you mean that, you need to really move on.

I'm not a huge fan of this intentional NC.  Essentially it's a deliberate effort directed towards her, so by itself its counterproductive.  What I am a fan of is delving into your career, your children, your hobbies, dating, those are things you should be doing anyway.  That's natural NC.  If you don't fill your life with purpose you could go NC for a year and soon as she comes a calling you'll go back beacuse you've not filled that void that she was filling.

Agreed.  I think if he's really doing NC, he should include blocking her on the phone.  She knows where he lives and they have a mutual friend that's enough.  And the real purpose is to help himself move on, not to leave an open lifeline and hold out that the time cut off will manipulate her feelings (he hasn't said he was doing this at all but can't help but wonder if there is that hope at the back of his mind).

Focus on what building yourself up & who you really want to be & that self work so you will be less likely to be in these situations in the future. Good luck

[Love2Love78]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

You will go back to her if you don't have anything else going on when she reaches back out to test the waters.  So if you mean that, you need to really move on.

I'm not a huge fan of this intentional NC.  Essentially it's a deliberate effort directed towards her, so by itself its counterproductive.  What I am a fan of is delving into your career, your children, your hobbies, dating, those are things you should be doing anyway.  That's natural NC.  If you don't fill your life with purpose you could go NC for a year and soon as she comes a calling you'll go back beacuse you've not filled that void that she was filling.

Not necessarily a deliberate effort directed towards her.  It's a focus on me.  The only deliberate effort here is to resist any temptation to message her.

I'm doing my regular workout routine, socializing with friends more, making plans for the weekend already, and downloading some games and movies for my computer.  I'm filling my time with "me" time, not wallowing about her.

I know the intent of NC is to focus on yourself, heal, and learn. 

Can I guarantee I wouldn't take her back?  No, I can't.  Can I guarantee that BEFORE I did, I would outline exactly what the issues were, what would be necessary to resolve them, and ensure they wouldn't happen again in the future?  Yes, I would.

But, I'm not doing that yet because I don't see a need.  I'm living my life under the assumption she is happy without me and that I will never be with her or even talk to her again.  The only intent behind the NC is to make sure I focus on other things and DO NOT reach out to her, no matter how tempting it may be at times.

I made stupid mistakes when dating her, but I am better with healing from breakups than I am the dating part, lol.  I focused on me most of 2019-2020.  I have plenty more I can focus on again, so no worries there.  I have lots of personal goals I can work on.

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

She was already blocked on FB, removed from my Life360, and Insta was the only thing left.  I know better than to intentionally look at her social media at this time.  Completely defies the whole 30 day no contact rule (focus on yourself) thing.  I don't have insta on my phone, and rarely ever use it on my comp.  It's just not my thing, hence why I didn't realize until now. 

The one thing I DID do wrong is when I saw her still on my "following" list, I went to her page.  That was the stupid part.  But, no, I don't want any ties to her at this time. 

I am doing my best to detach.  Blocked on everything (except her number, just so I know if she does try to reach out in case I do decide to reach out later after the 30 day min), I don't live near her, so not going anywhere near her or even her town, deleted all her pictures off my phone, put everything into an encrypted folder on my computer that I never access, and put together a list of the reasons I SHOULD NOT be with her.  So, whenever I start to feel really bad and miss her, I have that to reference to in order to remind me why I SHOULD NOT miss her at all and why this is the right thing at this time.

In all honesty, after seeing that message, while painful, it was also a bit relieving.  I actually felt a little bad for her the other day after her sob story to our friend.  Now, I don't anymore.  Plus, makes it MUCH easier to completely ignore her if she reaches out anytime soon.

Most of you are right.  I know this.  The more I look back and see this stuff, the more it is "good riddance."  She has serious freaking issues, and while I was willing to work through them to be with her, in hindsight, seeing how little she appreciated that, it was a HUGE mistake.  Never again, that's for damn sure.

I mean my dumbass might talk to her after the 30 days, but I couldn't see myself getting back together with her.  If that even happens, I'd be sure to reach out here and get advice from you all before I even replied to her.

You think logic is going to help you if she comes back.😄  You're not that strong.  I'm not that strong.

The only thing that will help you is to be full.  You know when you've eaten a big meal and you have zero value for food in that moment?  That's what you need to do with your life, you need to fill as much of it up as possible, so that when she comes back around you couldn't care less, not because you know what she did to you, but because you're just full with other things, your career your children, your hobbies, other women.  If you're not your hunger will convince you to give her another chance.  You think logically that you'll always remember and you'll be able to resist but you're underestimating her.  Trust me, fill up your life and do that with purpose. 

Deleting her photos, all that is not going to work by itself, and honestly I dont even advocate doing that.  You're still giving her control over you in that instance, and I don't think it builds any discipline as far as controlling your emotions.  Where you want to be is when you can look at her photos and feel little to nothing.  Good luck.

[Sun Seeker]

OP, you are over analysing when it's really a lot more simple. She's not into you as much as you are into her. Everything else regarding the reasons she gave you is just excuses. If she wanted to make it work, she would have.

Your list about all the things that you like about her are great. But it has to be a two way thing. You did not tick all her boxes the same way.

You should not even be thinking about contacting her. Find someone who appreciates you for you. She does not.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am going to make a point here, and please don't throw rocks at me but....women with high IQ that represent 0.5% of population usually don't live for 8 months in their mom's guest room after a separation, they have high paying jobs with benefits and insurances. 

Yes, exactly. 

She is not the rare and highly intelligent woman you want to believe she is, OP. On many different levels. That much is clear based on the limited information we've gleaned from your posts.

The narrative you're spinning for yourself about her is part of the problem. Time to come back down to earth about this woman, man. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Punterxx said:

OP, you are over analysing when it's really a lot more simple. She's not into you as much as you are into her. Everything else regarding the reasons she gave you is just excuses. If she wanted to make it work, she would have.

Your list about all the things that you like about her are great. But it has to be a two way thing. You did not tick all her boxes the same way.

You should not even be thinking about contacting her. Find someone who appreciates you for you. She does not.

I think that's the best way to look at it.

There are several instances where people date someone for a short time, and one person says they're not looking forward to a relationship with the other person, for whatever reason they're giving, but then they are in a relationship a few months later.

Even if it's a matter of bad timing, at some point, you just have to reconcile that she just didn't believe (for whatever reason) that you were the right person for her.

Edited March 11, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

 I have a very hard time throttling my emotions

Based on the statistics, the type of IQ I look for consists of less than 0.5% of the population.  

Have you ever been to a physician about the mood swings and emotions? Get a complete evaluation, including a neurological assessment.

Also ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Lack of emotional control can indicate a few problems.

This has nothing to do with IQ. The women you claim you're looking for are in the 130 range. However you can't ask them for an IQ test before dating. 

Why don't you join Mensa or some elite dating apps? Maybe that will narrow your search.

But more importantly get on top of the runaway train of emotions and racing thoughts.

[Love2Love78]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you ever been to a physician about the mood swings and emotions? Get a complete evaluation, including a neurological assessment.

Also ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Lack of emotional control can indicate a few problems.

This has nothing to do with IQ. The women you claim you're looking for are in the 130 range. However you can't ask them for an IQ test before dating. 

Why don't you join Mensa or some elite dating apps? Maybe that will narrow your search.

But more importantly get on top of the runaway train of emotions and racing thoughts.

Thanks again for the feedback.  

Actually, with all the issues that happened with an ex of mine involving the kids, I had to go through multiple evaluations.  Four years ago, I took a psychological, psychiatric, and psychosocial evaluation.  In addition, later on, to strengthen my case for my children, I took two more psychological evaluations with highly accredited organizations.

All evaluations concluded the same thing - all I have is "situational depression."  The "situation" is them restricting my time with my children for years.  As that is getting resolved, so is my depression.  This is from three different organizations in total and five different psychologists (and one psychiatrist).  It also includes one psychologist I have worked with regularly for nearly two years now, and another I worked with regularly for a year.  And I am VERY open with every little detail with them, as I care about honest feedback, not someone placating me or assuring me I'm good.  No, I constantly ask them how I can improve.

Like I've said, I don't have serious psychological issues.  I just care too much when it comes to dating.  I fall too fast and too hard and I know it.  It's not by any means that I am emotionally unstable.  

I love giving to others.  I have spent a ton of time volunteering in organizations, including the aforementioned tutoring in numerous YMCA CDCs.  Since I love giving so much and since it is fulfilling to me, when I get together with someone, I love doing things for them as well.  When I was younger, it was codependency.  Over the last few years, I learned to value my own wants and needs just as much as the person I'm with.  But, I still do value them too much too soon, I know that.

I don't get people that can just shut their emotions off like a light switch.  Mine don't work that way.  If I like someone, those feelings build the more I get to know them.

My only option to throttle them that I could do above and beyond what I already do (maintaining hobbies, other friendships, etc.) would be to spend less time with and talking to whoever I date from here on out.  But, the only thing I don't like about that is then, I feel like I am giving them less than I gave others.  I guess that ties into what I said previously with the whole love bombing thing and me having gotten used to that.

I just need to keep in mind that giving someone less in the beginning doesn't mean I care less about them than I did for others I did more for in the beginning.  It is just a more sensible approach, so that I don't go giving so quickly so soon, and wait until I know the person actually deserves that.

But then, I even overthink that.  Because then, I wonder if I don't give someone my all, how are they supposed to know what I offer?  I feel like then, if they are dating others at the same time as me, someone else could come off as more appealing, because that person makes more effort, while I hold back.

Anyway, I do know at the bare minimum, I need to not put so much time into someone at first.  But, do I need serious psychological help?  No.  A life coach might make more sense.  Funny enough, with how much I enjoy helping others, I have been considering getting some type of certification or other credential to become a life coach myself and do it as a side gig.  I figured not only could I help others, but in the process of learning more about that, I can give MYSELF much better advice as well.  I'm sure a lot of you cringe at that, but outside of my own love life, I swear, I really know how to give good advice and help others.  I just don't hold back enough on my own at times.  Until this woman though, I had been good for the last four years.  Of all people to make an exception for, I see now that she was not a good idea.  But, it wasn't the situation that made me do it - it was the chemistry her and I *seemed* to have.  Again, never in my life did I ever feel that way towards anyone else.  But, who knows what it really was, and it no longer matters.

And I do appreciate most people's feedback here.  I feel like some of you could be a little less harsh to others here, especially when you know they're going through heartbreak.  There is a way to tell people what they need to hear without flat out battering them.  Some of what I have gotten on here has been enormously helpful.  Some of it borders verbal abuse.  Regardless, I know most are trying to help in their own way, so again thanks everyone.  I'm doing my best to work on and improve myself, or obviously, I wouldn't be on here

Edited March 11, 2021 by Love2Love78

[Gaeta]

20 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

I don't get people that can just shut their emotions off like a light switch.  Mine don't work that way.  If I like someone, those feelings build the more I get to know them.

I don't think we can switch our feelings off but we can delay them by controlling the time we spend with a  new someone. If I meet a man I like and right away spend 4-5  nights a week with him I will develop feelings fast and we know it's risky to do that for all the reasons we enumerated in your thread. If you control the time you spend with a new someone, if you reason yourself that 1 or 2 dates a week is enough for the first month or 2, then by 3 months you can escalate that to  weekends together and a mid-week date, you will be in a much safer place to let your feelings grow. 

When couples meet and right away jump into this spending all of their time together it's all about instant gratification and it's like anything else. I like Chocolate but if you feed me chocolate each day of the week I will get fed up of something I used to enjoy. A relationship needs to be build *gradually* to avoid the *relationship indigestion* pit fall. 

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Love2Love78 said:

Thanks again for the feedback.  

Actually, with all the issues that happened with an ex of mine involving the kids, I had to go through multiple evaluations.  Four years ago, I took a psychological, psychiatric, and psychosocial evaluation.  In addition, later on, to strengthen my case for my children, I took two more psychological evaluations with highly accredited organizations.

All evaluations concluded the same thing - all I have is "situational depression."  The "situation" is them restricting my time with my children for years.  As that is getting resolved, so is my depression.  This is from three different organizations in total and five different psychologists (and one psychiatrist).  It also includes one psychologist I have worked with regularly for nearly two years now, and another I worked with regularly for a year.  And I am VERY open with every little detail with them, as I care about honest feedback, not someone placating me or assuring me I'm good.  No, I constantly ask them how I can improve.

Like I've said, I don't have serious psychological issues.  I just care too much when it comes to dating.  I fall too fast and too hard and I know it.  It's not by any means that I am emotionally unstable.  

I love giving to others.  I have spent a ton of time volunteering in organizations, including the aforementioned tutoring in numerous YMCA CDCs.  Since I love giving so much and since it is fulfilling to me, when I get together with someone, I love doing things for them as well.  When I was younger, it was codependency.  Over the last few years, I learned to value my own wants and needs just as much as the person I'm with.  But, I still do value them too much too soon, I know that.

I don't get people that can just shut their emotions off like a light switch.  Mine don't work that way.  If I like someone, those feelings build the more I get to know them.

My only option to throttle them that I could do above and beyond what I already do (maintaining hobbies, other friendships, etc.) would be to spend less time with and talking to whoever I date from here on out.  But, the only thing I don't like about that is then, I feel like I am giving them less than I gave others.  I guess that ties into what I said previously with the whole love bombing thing and me having gotten used to that.

I just need to keep in mind that giving someone less in the beginning doesn't mean I care less about them than I did for others I did more for in the beginning.  It is just a more sensible approach, so that I don't go giving so quickly so soon, and wait until I know the person actually deserves that.

But then, I even overthink that.  Because then, I wonder if I don't give someone my all, how are they supposed to know what I offer?  I feel like then, if they are dating others at the same time as me, someone else could come off as more appealing, because that person makes more effort, while I hold back.

Anyway, I do know at the bare minimum, I need to not put so much time into someone at first.  But, do I need serious psychological help?  No.  A life coach might make more sense.  Funny enough, with how much I enjoy helping others, I have been considering getting some type of certification or other credential to become a life coach myself and do it as a side gig.  I figured not only could I help others, but in the process of learning more about that, I can give MYSELF much better advice as well.  I'm sure a lot of you cringe at that, but outside of my own love life, I swear, I really know how to give good advice and help others.  I just don't hold back enough on my own at times.  Until this woman though, I had been good for the last four years.  Of all people to make an exception for, I see now that she was not a good idea.  But, it wasn't the situation that made me do it - it was the chemistry her and I *seemed* to have.  Again, never in my life did I ever feel that way towards anyone else.  But, who knows what it really was, and it no longer matters.

And I do appreciate most people's feedback here.  I feel like some of you could be a little less harsh to others here, especially when you know they're going through heartbreak.  There is a way to tell people what they need to hear without flat out battering them.  Some of what I have gotten on here has been enormously helpful.  Some of it borders verbal abuse.  Regardless, I know most are trying to help in their own way, so again thanks everyone.  I'm doing my best to work on and improve myself, or obviously, I wouldn't be on here

Sorry if you find some of the feedback harsh, but sometimes that's what we need.  We grow from pain, there's actually a term for it, post-traumatic growth.  So maybe embrace it, even if you think it's hurtful and know that it's making you better.  Sugarcoating things isn't going to do you any favors.

Your primary issue is your scarcity mindset.  Your emotions aren't all that different from anyone elses.  Most men walking the face of this earth know that if they focus on one attractive woman, then their feelings are just going to grow and grow until they erupt.  Men who don't fall prey to this know to fill their lives with purpose, which is one protection against hyperfocusing on one woman.

Everything you described above was in the context of the woman you're dating.   For instance

Quote

My only option to throttle them that I could do above and beyond what I already do (maintaining hobbies, other friendships, etc.) would be to spend less time with and talking to whoever I date from here on out.  But, the only thing I don't like about that is then, I feel like I am giving them less than I gave others.

Why is it all about her?  Why don't you give yourself these same considerations?  You're not engaging in hobbies, spending time with children etc to throttle your emotions, you're doing it because those are things you enjoy.  It only has the side effect of preventing this intense attachment that you tend to develop so quickly.  It's about loving yourself, and a side effect of that is creating a life that a good woman will see as attractive, and something she wants to be a part of.  You think she wants to be with someone that makes her the central focus of your attention?  Paying attention to yourself, loving yourself is not selfish.

Also, it's not about the quantity of time you devote to whoever you're dating, it's about the quality of time.  If you make every date an experience, that goes a long way.  One amazing date a week is way better than 3 nights on the couch watching movies.  

Also, if you have a full life and you make time for her, she'll be far more appreciative of that, because she knows that you made time for her. If she's the center of your focus, that's not hard for you to make time for her.  It's not valuable.  She won't appreciate it because you have no other choice but her.

Honestly the best thing you could do for yourself is to take a long break from dating altogether, until you reach a point to where you're perfectly fine being alone.  Not saying you have to love being alone, but you have to have a full, complete life, to where you only need a woman to bring value to it.  You'll know that you're at this point when you can go on a date and then you're evaluating HER, to see if she's worth including in your life.  You'll find that you actually have higher standards, and you won't even consider the type of dates that you consider today.

Edited March 12, 2021 by dramafreezone