Wanting to Progress Faster Than Girlfriend. How to Keep From Being Hurt?

[LynneVicious]

You displayed tremendous growth in just the few days since you were posting! Well done! What did your ex say when you sent your response?

[Gaeta]

Wow! I am filled with pride for you @Love2Love78.  You've demonstrated a lot of character, very impressive!

She replied something back?

If you enjoyed that other lady I see nothing wrong in *going on dates* with her at a slow pace, I think it would do you good to have 1 outing a week, going to movies, eating out, museums, doing sports together, etc. 

[SaraSays]

In case you need to lose yourself in something, to keep your mind busy for a few hours if it is wandering to your ex, research Cimitirul Vesel in Săpânța. It's a magnificent, highly-unusual graveyard, filled with colour, poetry and original paintings.

[Acacia98]

On 3/11/2021 at 12:51 AM, Gaeta said:

I am going to make a point here, and please don't throw rocks at me but....women with high IQ that represent 0.5% of population usually don't live for 8 months in their mom's guest room after a separation, they have high paying jobs with benefits and insurances. 

I can't quote any statistics, but I know quite a few highly intelligent men and women who are really struggling because high IQ doesn't make them immune to mental illness, addiction, abusive relationships, chronic illness, etc.

[cyphorX]

 You may as well pack it up and move on, you have already wasted 5 months, half a year that you will never get back.  if you say with her she will always have all the power in the relationship because you are more into her than she is into you you need to find someone who has an equal attraction so your relationship will be balanced.  You will always be in a situation where SHE GET'S TO SET THE PACE OF THE RELATIONSHIP!!!!   that's not fair to you and the reverse would not be fair to her, so you must find someone who moves at the same pace(or close) as you.

[SaraSays]

How is everything @Love2Love78?

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, cyphorX said:

 ....being more invested in a relationship than your partner is the 8th circle of hell.

That's true but how does one determine how invested their partner is?

I think a couple can be equally matched as far as investment; what I see happening (and it's happened to me in my relationships) is that we each have our own style of showing our investment.

For example, I tend to be rather "light and breezy," easy going, taking things one day at a time, and my boyfriends have been the opposite, quite intense.  Clear case of opposites attracting.  It happened that way with my last two long term boyfriends

There have been times (especially early in - first six months) where my behaviour would confuse them because I wasn't acting as "intense" as they were, and they interpreted that as meaning I wasn't invested, when all the while I was quite invested!   I just had a different style of showing it.

I am not sure if that's what happened here, we are only hearing the OP's side of things.  But he does seem rather intense about her, obsessive really, at only two months in.  

This was simply way too much "intensity" at two months, for some women, it would be too much intensity, ever!  

So she may have backed off/broken off with him because of that, while still feeling limerence, and now second guessing her decision which is not uncommon.

Fear can cause people to act in some rather bizarre ways, in my experience.

Edited March 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[Love2Love78]

On 3/13/2021 at 8:18 AM, LynneVicious said:

You displayed tremendous growth in just the few days since you were posting! Well done! What did your ex say when you sent your response?

She never replied to it.  I think it really bothered her that she didn't get the response that she wanted.  But, the longer I am without her, the more I look back and wonder what I was thinking.

Funny thing is, like I had said, I went out on a date this past weekend.  I realized on that date that I felt similar feelings with them as I did with my ex, only even more so this time.  I realized that it wasn't my ex that made me feel different/better about the dating, but the fact that I am in a much better place emotionally since I have been in years.  Everything that went on with my children messed me up for a while.  But, now that things are going back to normal with them, my life is coming back together.

Interesting too... while my ex *claimed* to be a giver, there was a severe lack of action that backed her claim.  I think she confused passive and submissive with giving.  She didn't come off as giving to me at all.  She came off as taking, but then complaining half the time when she was taking.  This new person actually gives, and I see the difference.

But anyway, I know it's a bit early to be jumping into something new, and I am most assuredly taking things slower with this one.  We actually already discussed that, and she completely understands and agrees with pacing things.  So, we are both on the same page.  And if it doesn't work out, I at least know for future relationships, thanks to all of you.  I again really appreciate it.

[Love2Love78]

On 3/13/2021 at 8:33 AM, Gaeta said:

Wow! I am filled with pride for you @Love2Love78.  You've demonstrated a lot of character, very impressive!

She replied something back?

If you enjoyed that other lady I see nothing wrong in *going on dates* with her at a slow pace, I think it would do you good to have 1 outing a week, going to movies, eating out, museums, doing sports together, etc. 

Thank you.  Like I said, I came here to learn from people, and I made a conscious effort to do so.  I learned some things on here that I didn't know prior.  I was already well aware I needed to develop my emotional IQ, and I'm trying and receptive.

I covered most your questions in my last post.  I don't think my ex will be bothering with me for a while, if ever again.  I'm sure the rejection cut her deep.  Her ex-husband kept begging for her to come back.  I don't think she was expecting someone to reject her like that.  But, I"m not her ex, nothing like him.  I have self-respect, plus so many people on here made great points.  Her struggle isn't going to be weeks.  Most likely years.  Even with an amazing psychologist, at the bare minimum, months to even make modest progress.  But, there will still be residual issues that she will eventually drag into at least a few future dating experiences.  I think I've already been hurt well more than enough because of her issues already.  I don't need that in the future again.

And one more, I will absolutely be pacing this new dating experience this time.  Thanks again for the feedback.

[Love2Love78]

On 3/13/2021 at 9:22 AM, Acacia98 said:

I can't quote any statistics, but I know quite a few highly intelligent men and women who are really struggling because high IQ doesn't make them immune to mental illness, addiction, abusive relationships, chronic illness, etc.

I know this too.  High IQ isn't always a good thing.  A couple I know for sure it makes people more susceptible to is depression and insomnia.  I have dealt with both.  But, like I had said, if someone is a slow learner or overall just not able to keep up with intellectual conversation, I get bored.  I have no control over that anymore than I do being attracted to women.  It's just how I function.  But yea, there's both good and bad that come with it.

[Love2Love78]

On 3/15/2021 at 5:58 PM, SaraSays said:

How is everything @Love2Love78?

Thanks for asking.  It's really good.  I feel accomplished.  I even surprised myself a little when I shot her down.  But, I know it was what was best. 

And, I'm so very glad that I did, as like I said in previous posts, I now saw that how I felt towards her was more about my mental state and improvement because of the kids than it was her.  Nothing special about her at all.  In fact, in hindsight, despite her claiming to be a giver, she was actually fairly self-centered and selfish.  Maybe her way of compensating for not being able to be during the nearly 20yrs of her marriage.  Or, maybe she was always like that, and it's a part of what caused issues in the relationship.  I don't know for sure, and no longer care.  Her issue, not mine anymore.

[FMW]

11 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

I realized that it wasn't my ex that made me feel different/better about the dating, but the fact that I am in a much better place emotionally since I have been in years.

That's a very important thing for you to realize.  When a relationship of mine ended a few years ago I thought I would never find that connection and feeling again because it had not been something I had experienced before.  But I happily learned that it was indeed me that had changed and that I was not only able to have that experience with someone else, but that it could come with someone that was a much better fit for me.  

That's huge to being able to let things go and see them realistically, without the romantic haze.  

[SaraSays]

How is everything @Love2Love78? Did you have a look at the graveyard I mentioned earlier? It's really beautiful, and worth a visit one day, if you ever get the chance. Hope you have some lovely Springtime plans ahead with your kids.

[Miss Spider]

On 3/16/2021 at 10:28 PM, Love2Love78 said:

Thank you.  Like I said, I came here to learn from people, and I made a conscious effort to do so.  I learned some things on here that I didn't know prior.  I was already well aware I needed to develop my emotional IQ, and I'm trying and receptive.

I covered most your questions in my last post.  I don't think my ex will be bothering with me for a while, if ever again.  I'm sure the rejection cut her deep.  Her ex-husband kept begging for her to come back.  I don't think she was expecting someone to reject her like that.  But, I"m not her ex, nothing like him.  I have self-respect, plus so many people on here made great points.  Her struggle isn't going to be weeks.  Most likely years.  Even with an amazing psychologist, at the bare minimum, months to even make modest progress.  But, there will still be residual issues that she will eventually drag into at least a few future dating experiences.  I think I've already been hurt well more than enough because of her issues already.  I don't need that in the future again.

And one more, I will absolutely be pacing this new dating experience this time.  Thanks again for the feedback.

I bet it did lol. I think it would be a bit shocking. Rarely do people you broke off with not wait for you to come back and eat up all the bs Look at the breakup forum. You’re a rare breed. It’s good to see someone with dignity and strength of will. It would be great if more people were like that. 
 

Remain strong

Edited March 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Love2Love78]

On 3/20/2021 at 3:43 PM, SaraSays said:

How is everything @Love2Love78? Did you have a look at the graveyard I mentioned earlier? It's really beautiful, and worth a visit one day, if you ever get the chance. Hope you have some lovely Springtime plans ahead with your kids.

I did take a look.  A bit colorful for my taste, but definitely interesting.  The ones I love are the REALLY old cemeteries.  The ones with lots of moss and overgrowth on everything.  Not sure why, maybe because there is more mystery to it as far as what it has been through over time and what the people had been through over all those years.

But anyway, everything is awesome.  Thanks for asking.   I actually did have something new I was about to post about on here, but on a new thread.  This thread has been great, but that woman is history.  I left her to deal with her own issues.  Haven't heard from her since that one day she messaged me and I shot her down.

Since then, met someone whose actions actually match their words (for a refreshing change of pace).  Didn't expect to jump into something again so soon, but this woman reached out to me and seemed worth my time.  Real sweet woman, but time will tell what happens.

As far as the kids, everything is great there too.  Still in the works of getting everything fixed.  Thanks to covid, the courts are moving at a crawl.  That's on top of the fact that getting things fixed like this already takes quite a bit of time.  The attorneys on both ends need to have availability for any given date, then either the mediator or the court does, etc.  But, it's as good as fixed at this point, as everything that needed to be done and filed is all there.  Just a matter of a mediation date to iron out some of the details, then after that, a court date to file it.  

Edited March 26, 2021 by Love2Love78

[Love2Love78]

On 3/21/2021 at 3:11 PM, Cookiesandough said:

I bet it did lol. I think it would be a bit shocking. Rarely do people you broke off with not wait for you to come back and eat up all the bs Look at the breakup forum. You’re a rare breed. It’s good to see someone with dignity and strength of will. It would be great if more people were like that. 
 

Remain strong

Thanks, and I know most would have taken her back.  I make dumb decisions at times in relationships, but once I had time like this to take a step back and look at it objectively, there was just way too many reasons to not take her back. 

I will deal with a lot in a relationship, as it is challenging to find someone that meets most of my criteria I look for and I hate to just give up on it.  I mean unless of course they do one of my big deal-breakers (big lie, repeated lies, cheating, selfish, abusive, among a few others).  But, if I feel a relationship can be fixed, I will always try to fix it first rather than give up.

However, when someone gives up and ends the relationship like this, I don't tend to take them back.  I almost considered an exception here since I knew she does have a LOT to deal with and understood why she felt she needed to do it on her own.  But, I went through a LOT of crap because of her issues and stuck by her side, while she failed to do the same in return.  So in hindsight, I realized there was way too much of an imbalance there and it wasn't worth it.

Even if my current relationship didn't work out and I ran back into Megan years down the road, I would have absolutely no interest in her again.  She demonstrated to me that she is self-centered and dishonest, both of which are deal-breakers to me.  Plus, she wasn't nearly as "giving" as she claimed she was.  She confused not being able to speak up for herself with being giving.  In all actuality though, she is actually very selfish and inconsiderate of others.  Everything had to be her way or no way.  There was no middle ground or compromising with her.  It was her way or she would be upset with you.  No consideration for her kids, my kids, her family, or me.  Looking back and seeing that now, once she does fix the whole speaking up for herself thing, it's just going to be worse. 

I honestly think if she does fix that later on, she's going to end up being a huge b*tch.  She's most likely going to learn the hard way later on in multiple failed dating experiences that you can't just expect someone to do things every single way you want without ever considering their wants and needs too.  But, not my problem anymore thankfully.  One day, she will realize how good I was to her and how hard it is to find something like this.  Just going to take her getting more dating experience to realize that.