Wanting to Progress Faster Than Girlfriend. How to Keep From Being Hurt?

[Miss Spider]

Yea that’s a good point too. sorry I should have been more clear .. I didn’t mean safe in a “this can never fail” just safe in a more familiar , consistent, less emotional highs you were speaking of in limerence type of way 

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

not supposed to be exciting... but it’s more of a familiar, warm feeling... 

Maybe each person experience it differently. With my ex I've never lost the 'in love' feeling' in 5  years. To the last day I'd observe him from a distance and think to myself my god I love that man. 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

To add more to that, the reason I felt it was all a complete 180 that day... 

Maybe her husband asked for her back, OP.

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yea that’s a good point too. sorry I should have been more clear .. I didn’t mean safe in a “this can never fail” just safe in a more familiar , consistent, less emotional highs you were speaking of in limerence type of way 

Okay, got it thanks for clarifying!

Both limerence and LTR have their good points and bad points.  I love limerence!  That high, and tbh it is a bit of a letdown when it begins to fade, but if a couple is creative enough, they can keep it alive and exciting

I had that with my last long term ex.  Was pretty exciting up until the end.

With my recent ex, it felt more cozy and safe.  I think what happened was I grew apart from him, and my growth resulted in me no longer caring to tolerate his BS anymore, that's all. 

I actually feel much happier and much more at peace without him. 😂

 

 

Edited March 12, 2021 by poppyfields

[Love2Love78]

UPDATE:  Ok, bit of a crisis here.  I didn't expect this, especially this soon.  I think I know what I need to do, but right now, all I can do is NOT reply, as I feel anything I do will be a mistake that is going to get me hurt more.

She text me about 20mins ago and wrote "You doing ok?"  I ignored it, as I figured she was just trying to be nice and felt bad about hurting me.  Just now (20mins after the first one), she messaged again.  This is what she wrote:

"I'm not doing ok love.  I tried to lie to both you and myself.  I don't want to do this without you. 

It will be much harder.  I know this.  But I want to do it with you.  Can we do this or did I screw this up too much?"

There is a part of me that is so happy to see that she feels it was a mistake.  Another part of me that is looking at all the feedback on here, the list of stuff I wrote for reasons to not take her back, and feels it's a bad idea.

I am thinking of replying with someone along the lines of letting her know I understand why she needed to do what she needed to do, and I think it's a good idea for both of us to just focus on each other.  She has her work to do, and after our relationship, I realize that I have things I need to improve on as well.  Let's give it a couple months.  If in two months from now, you still feel the same way and haven't dated anyone else, please contact me and I promise I will at least meet with you and see if we can fix this.  But for now, you need to focus on you.

I don't want to completely give this up, but if I took her back now, I don't have any confidence she won't just leave again.  Plus, I need to make damn sure I have processed all this and will apply it.  If she pushes, I don't know if I'm strong enough yet to say no.  But, I know I should be saying no if I want any chance of a future here.  This is just making my mind go nuts.  I can't believe I would pass her up, but I get it now.  Right now, it would just be a disaster.  Let me know what all of you think on my response.  I'm still sort of in shock she even messaged me and need some insight on this.  I'm ignoring it in the meantime.  I need to hit the gym anyway.

[Miss Spider]

@ op she sounds like she had dumpers remorse. She’s not that into you, but when you left you took a bunch of lovey feelings, attention, affection, and now she’s a bit lonely, so she’s downplaying what caused to leave ( your neediness, her lack of interest, whatever  ) and she is going to give it another chance. You’re right, if were you I wouldn’t have zero confidence that she wouldn’t leave again. Every time I’ve done the same thing, I left again . ... You’re dragging this out and making it worse

Edited March 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic content

[Love2Love78]

7 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

@ op she sounds like she had dumpers remorse. She’s not that into you, but when you left you took a bunch of lovey feelings, attention, affection, and now she’s a bit lonely, so she’s downplaying what caused to leave ( your neediness, her lack of interest, whatever  ) and she is going to give it another chance. You’re right, if were you I wouldn’t have zero confidence that she wouldn’t leave again. Every time I’ve done the same thing, I left again . ... You’re dragging this out and making it worse

Not sure if she isn't that into me as she truly felt she couldn't do it while with me.  She is even acknowledging that it would be harder with me, but wants to try anyway.  I mean if she wasn't that into me, I don't get the whole missing me whenever I was gone, begging me to stay some nights when I wanted to go home, etc.  She did quite a bit that showed she either really cared, or was that lonely.  Maybe it was just the latter.

But yea, I feel like it would just be a matter of time, unless I stayed VERY distant and took it VERY slow.  Then, she might have an issue that it wasn't like it used to be.

What about the two month thing?  Would that be enough time, or should I say longer?  I'd say a month, but with how bad her issues are, I don't see a month as enough time.  It hurts so bad to be shooting her down, and I know I may be blowing my chances by doing it, but I'm not sure what else to do other than at least give it some time.

[Miss Spider]

16 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

Not sure if she isn't that into me as she truly felt she couldn't do it while with me.  She is even acknowledging that it would be harder with me, but wants to try anyway.  I mean if she wasn't that into me, I don't get the whole missing me whenever I was gone, begging me to stay some nights when I wanted to go home, etc.  She did quite a bit that showed she either really cared, or was that lonely.  Maybe it was just the latter.

But yea, I feel like it would just be a matter of time, unless I stayed VERY distant and took it VERY slow.  Then, she might have an issue that it wasn't like it used to be.

What about the two month thing?  Would that be enough time, or should I say longer?  I'd say a month, but with how bad her issues are, I don't see a month as enough time.  It hurts so bad to be shooting her down, and I know I may be blowing my chances by doing it, but I'm not sure what else to do other than at least give it some time.

I can just tell you based on my own experience with other exes I have had. I hope that this doesn’t sound too horrible but I want to be clear. You can miss aspects of a person even if you overall don’t want the person or would rather be with another person. You can miss their company, things they did for you, little quirks about them even if you know overall you’re not a match with them. There isn’t this black black and white  “don’t like this person”  vs “into this person “ and if there was I think dating would be a lot easier across the board 

 

Especially with boyfriends who are as kind and loving as you seem to be, it can be hard to not miss them a little,  particularly if you don’t have someone immediately lined up. You start to think “wow, he was so great. His greatest crime was to love me too much. Maybe I am a b****. Maybe I should give him a chance. He was so nice” you completely forget that nice and loving /=/ the attraction and pull you need to be into someone. Nice and loving are just some things that should be complimentary to that, but can’t stand alone. You begin to realize this when you’re back with them and then you leave them again .

 

so she’s having that struggle with herself. What she wants versus what she should do and she figures why not try again. Because if it fails, it might hurt her a little bit hurt you, no doubt . But it will be way more painful for you. Your feelings are way more at stake here so I think you should consider this very carefully. I don’t know about the month wait  thing. I’ve never had an ex suggest such a thing. I guess it might make a little difference but I doubt it. I really think you ought to learn from your mistakes here and move on. 

Edited March 12, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

You're trying to date a woman who's still married. I've never understood how or why people do this. 

You seem downright obsessive about her and the relationship. 

Your best chance is to possibly consider dating her again way on down the line, after she's had time to work through the mountain of issues she's dealing with.

She's only back in touch now because she's lonely and codependent and she knows you'll scratch the itches...temporarily. She may never resolve her issues - but giving this a LOT more time before you consider trying again is the best chance you've got.

I'd move on, heal, date others, and if you're still interested, check in with her in a year or two or three. 

[Miss Spider]

I agree with Ruby. Scratch month and try years and you might have a better shot of this working out in your favor. Work on yourself in the meantime too 

Edited March 12, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Alpacalia]

35 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

I'm ignoring it in the meantime.  I need to hit the gym anyway.

Physical exercise is great for analysis paralysis.

[Gaeta]

She makes it sounds like she's doing a sacrifice by getting you back in her life with her comment It will be harder for her. 

How about telling her because you  love her, you will put aside your desire to be with her and you will give her the time and space she needs to get her life back on track and then you can reconnect when her divorce is final?

 

Edited March 12, 2021 by Gaeta

[LynneVicious]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

She makes it sounds like she's doing a sacrifice by getting you back in her life with her comment It will be harder for her. 

How about telling her because you  love her, you will put aside your desire to be with her and you will give her the time and space she needs to get her life back on track and then you can reconnect when her divorce is final?

 

Agree with this. Op, i read through the thread and I think you’d be doing yourself a disservice by jumping right back with her. It sounds like she has some serious issues. Her decision making seems to be affected by her poor marriage and/or abuse - but remember you’re only getting her side of the story about her marriage. 

she is used to having someone in her life. Husband for 18 years and then you. Some people don’t understand all the personal growth that happens when you’re single and happy. They just need to be in some sort of relationship. You don’t want to be anyone’s emotional bandaid. I can’t stress enough that both people have to have their s*** together before dating: emotional mindset, living situation, kids, custody, etc. 

Bringing all that baggage into a relationship is like a heavy anchor weighing down the ship. 

I wouldn’t put a time frame on it when you respond to her. You don’t want to be held to those two months. During this time apart, she may get her act together and realize that a relationship is the last thing she needs. You may realize that you don’t want to deal with her baggage at all. 

Whatever you do, don’t jump back in it with her. You acknowledge the disaster and all the scenes that made it so. And in a few weeks when your rose colored glasses come off and she’s knocked off that pedestal, you may even think to yourself, “what was I thinking?? I dodged a bullet!”

I would explain in gentle terms that she’s right and you both need to focus on yourselves, without putting a time frame on it. Then don’t get sucked backed in via “friendship”. Live your life, date others and keep busy. 
Trust the universe. If it’s to be, then it will be. 

[BaileyB]

Good lord, this woman didn’t even make it a week on her own. 

As Ruby says, she is lonely and codependent and she has an itch she needs you to scratch... 

You would be doing yourself a huge disservice if you got back with this woman now. Relationships work best when two healthy people come together to form a healthy relationship. She needs to get her life together and learn how to stand on her own.

You need to wait until her divorce papers are signed, at the very least...  

Edited March 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[FMW]

5 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

it’s more of a familiar, warm feeling..

It's much more than that though, there is a real depth that can't be matched by short term crushes or limerence.  Nothing compares to the deeper connection that takes time to develop.  When it's good there's nothing boring about it.

[cleverusername]

Tell her to get a dog if she wants unconditional love and affection. If she wants yours, she has to earn it.

[Dis]

Block her and don't look back

 

I know others are advocating for a second chance down the line but when one person ends a relationship there is a certain level of broken trust even if they made that choice for the best of reasons and there's no coming back from that even if you do get back together down the line

 

It ends up being the elephant in the room

Edited March 13, 2021 by Dis

[Love2Love78]

Thanks again for all the feedback everyone.  Lots of great points.  I think the one that struck me the hardest was the mention of "broken trust" after a breakup like this.  I don't think I could move past this without there always being a question in my head as far as that.

Prior to replying to her, I went out on a date.  This person knew what I was going through already.  Told her I was emotionally unavailable at this point, but she still wanted to meet me.  In the one date, she was more giving and kind to me than my ex was during the whole relationship, despite claiming she was a "giver."  It was a real huge wake up call to me.  I really don't know what I was thinking.  I don't know what made me feel such intense and unique feelings towards my ex, but she isn't the right one for me.

I just replied back this evening.  This is exactly what I wrote:

"You are strong enough to do this on your own.  You NEED to do this on your own.  After stepping back from it all, I realize this now.   

Once your divorce is finalized, once you have taken back your power and control from your ex, and once you find yourself, feel free to reach out again.  Until then, I can't be any part of what you're dealing with.  I will be rooting for you the whole way through your challenges, but I can't be a part of it."

I may have made stupid decisions letting things move too fast because of what I thought was there with her and what I felt, but thanks to all of you, I'm not anymore.  At least not with this one.  Thanks for all the feedback.  Without it, I most certainly would've taken her back and made another stupid mistake here in the process.  I deserve more than what she did and I get that now.  And I get now what to do in order to lessen the chances of something like this happening again to me.  Again, thanks to all of you here.  Much love everyone, thank you so very much for your help.

[Dis]

12 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

Thanks again for all the feedback everyone.  Lots of great points.  I think the one that struck me the hardest was the mention of "broken trust" after a breakup like this.  I don't think I could move past this without there always being a question in my head as far as that.

Prior to replying to her, I went out on a date.  This person knew what I was going through already.  Told her I was emotionally unavailable at this point, but she still wanted to meet me.  In the one date, she was more giving and kind to me than my ex was during the whole relationship, despite claiming she was a "giver."  It was a real huge wake up call to me.  I really don't know what I was thinking.  I don't know what made me feel such intense and unique feelings towards my ex, but she isn't the right one for me.

I just replied back this evening.  This is exactly what I wrote:

"You are strong enough to do this on your own.  You NEED to do this on your own.  After stepping back from it all, I realize this now.   

Once your divorce is finalized, once you have taken back your power and control from your ex, and once you find yourself, feel free to reach out again.  Until then, I can't be any part of what you're dealing with.  I will be rooting for you the whole way through your challenges, but I can't be a part of it."

I may have made stupid decisions letting things move too fast because of what I thought was there with her and what I felt, but thanks to all of you, I'm not anymore.  At least not with this one.  Thanks for all the feedback.  Without it, I most certainly would've taken her back and made another stupid mistake here in the process.  I deserve more than what she did and I get that now.  And I get now what to do in order to lessen the chances of something like this happening again to me.  Again, thanks to all of you here.  Much love everyone, thank you so very much for your help.

Proud of you!  

 

Just don't monkey branch with this new one. I can see that already happening a bit with you now viewing your ex in a negative light and this new woman like she's gold

 

Be careful and give yourself time or you'll crash and burn again....I rush into relationships too so no judgement from me 

 

(((hugs)))

[Mrin]

16 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

I don't know what made me feel such intense and unique feelings towards my ex, but she isn't the right one for me.

Limerence. It happens to the best of us. 

[Love2Love78]

45 minutes ago, Dis said:

Proud of you!  

 

Just don't monkey branch with this new one. I can see that already happening a bit with you now viewing your ex in a negative light and this new woman like she's gold

 

Be careful and give yourself time or you'll crash and burn again....I rush into relationships too so no judgement from me 

 

(((hugs)))

Thanks, and no intentions on monkey branching this new one.  I have every intentions on not seeing her very often.  Not making her out to be gold by any means.  That's the sad part - she didn't do anything huge above and beyond on the date.  She was just very sweet and affectionate, and had already topped the actions of my ex in about three hours.  She was sweet so far, but other than that, I have no clue who she is.  And I know that will be the case for months, assuming I do even continue seeing her.  I already made it clear to her I'm going to need time and do NOT want to jump into anything.  Focusing mostly on me at this point still.

I already made the decision to shoot my ex down before the date.  But, people were absolutely right.  Her issues aren't going to be fixed in a couple months.  Maybe a year or two at best.  Even then, looking back in an objective manner, I see now there were lots of things that bothered me about her that most likely won't change.  Plus, the trust issue would most likely always be there.

I don't know for sure, but at this point, I'm living with the assumption I'm never going to be with my ex again.

Never know for sure I guess.  My sister broke up with someone, and all because after they graduated, they couldn't decide where they wanted to live together.  So, they split and moved.  About a year and a half later, they ran into each other on FB again, rekindled, and agreed to move together to a mutually-agreed area.  Everyone was telling her it was crazy, didn't work the first time, won't work this time either.  I tried to stay neutral and support her decision, just making sure that she had a backup plan in case it didn't work (not going to be stuck out of state with nowhere to go).  That was somewhere around 15yrs ago or so.  Now, they are happily married with two beautiful children.  Sometimes, the timing just isn't right, or it takes the loss of each other to appreciate what was there.  So, I have come to learn over the years you never know for sure.

[Alpacalia]

25 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

I already made the decision to shoot my ex down before the date.  But, people were absolutely right.  Her issues aren't going to be fixed in a couple months.  Maybe a year or two at best.  Even then, looking back in an objective manner, I see now there were lots of things that bothered me about her that most likely won't change.  Plus, the trust issue would most likely always be there.

I don't know for sure, but at this point, I'm living with the assumption I'm never going to be with my ex again.

You may find that since you reached a point where you wanted the relationship to advance but she did not (for whatever reason), it can be excruciatingly painful, so there may always be some discomfort associated with her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Love2Love78 said:

I just replied back this evening.  This is exactly what I wrote:

"You are strong enough to do this on your own.  You NEED to do this on your own.  After stepping back from it all, I realize this now.   

Once your divorce is finalized, once you have taken back your power and control from your ex, and once you find yourself, feel free to reach out again.  Until then, I can't be any part of what you're dealing with.  I will be rooting for you the whole way through your challenges, but I can't be a part of it."

This was the best thing you could have done here, OP. 

This woman is not ready for a serious relationship, and is using dating to fill the voids left in her life by her impending divorce. You are smart to stay away until she really learns to be on her own. Otherwise, I can nearly guarantee she would leave again. She's not dating for the right reasons at this point. 

[Calmandfocused]

2 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

Thanks again for all the feedback everyone.  Lots of great points.  I think the one that struck me the hardest was the mention of "broken trust" after a breakup like this.  I don't think I could move past this without there always being a question in my head as far as that.

Prior to replying to her, I went out on a date.  This person knew what I was going through already.  Told her I was emotionally unavailable at this point, but she still wanted to meet me.  In the one date, she was more giving and kind to me than my ex was during the whole relationship, despite claiming she was a "giver."  It was a real huge wake up call to me.  I really don't know what I was thinking.  I don't know what made me feel such intense and unique feelings towards my ex, but she isn't the right one for me.

I just replied back this evening.  This is exactly what I wrote:

"You are strong enough to do this on your own.  You NEED to do this on your own.  After stepping back from it all, I realize this now.   

Once your divorce is finalized, once you have taken back your power and control from your ex, and once you find yourself, feel free to reach out again.  Until then, I can't be any part of what you're dealing with.  I will be rooting for you the whole way through your challenges, but I can't be a part of it."

I may have made stupid decisions letting things move too fast because of what I thought was there with her and what I felt, but thanks to all of you, I'm not anymore.  At least not with this one.  Thanks for all the feedback.  Without it, I most certainly would've taken her back and made another stupid mistake here in the process.  I deserve more than what she did and I get that now.  And I get now what to do in order to lessen the chances of something like this happening again to me.  Again, thanks to all of you here.  Much love everyone, thank you so very much for your help.

Well done! Utterly and truly. 
 

You’ve made exactly the right decision for you and for her.
 

You came across as strong, confident and driven by rationale thought.
 

You’re making progress already my friend! You’re already starting to see the situation for what it is. 
 

Great work, carry on doing what you’re doing and you’ll be fine. 
 

As I said before tough love on here is sometimes the best advice you can ever get. 
 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

5 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

Thanks again for all the feedback everyone.  Lots of great points.  I think the one that struck me the hardest was the mention of "broken trust" after a breakup like this.  I don't think I could move past this without there always being a question in my head as far as that.

Prior to replying to her, I went out on a date.  This person knew what I was going through already.  Told her I was emotionally unavailable at this point, but she still wanted to meet me.  In the one date, she was more giving and kind to me than my ex was during the whole relationship, despite claiming she was a "giver."  It was a real huge wake up call to me.  I really don't know what I was thinking.  I don't know what made me feel such intense and unique feelings towards my ex, but she isn't the right one for me.

I just replied back this evening.  This is exactly what I wrote:

"You are strong enough to do this on your own.  You NEED to do this on your own.  After stepping back from it all, I realize this now.   

Once your divorce is finalized, once you have taken back your power and control from your ex, and once you find yourself, feel free to reach out again.  Until then, I can't be any part of what you're dealing with.  I will be rooting for you the whole way through your challenges, but I can't be a part of it."

I may have made stupid decisions letting things move too fast because of what I thought was there with her and what I felt, but thanks to all of you, I'm not anymore.  At least not with this one.  Thanks for all the feedback.  Without it, I most certainly would've taken her back and made another stupid mistake here in the process.  I deserve more than what she did and I get that now.  And I get now what to do in order to lessen the chances of something like this happening again to me.  Again, thanks to all of you here.  Much love everyone, thank you so very much for your help.

That’s awesome, OP. Did not expect that, but it’s great that you have the clarity and dignity to see that this is not what you need in a partner. That was very “alpha” ,as they say around here. Much love to you too

Edited March 13, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes