My husband is frustrated with my English

[Christinabui]

Hi guys,

I really need help here. The problem seems not a big one before but now it may affect to our marriage so hopefully you guys can give me some advice to deal with it.

I got married to my husband, British. We communicate using English and to be fair, my English is not too bad as I got 7.5 out of 9 for Ielts. However, I have tendency to drop the final sounds pronouncing words (final -s, -d, etc), not all the time but about one in every 20 words I speak. I think mainly it comes from the habit that my native language doesn’t have final sounds. It’s difficult for me to change in a short period as it has been my habit for a while. Unfortunately, my husband is really frustrated with my pronunciation and we got many fights over that as I got frustrated at him as well, failing to understand why he could feel that way. I am foreigner and the fact that I can’t speak standard English should not impact our relationship. Many couples out there could not even communicate well but they are still happy and love each other. Sometimes I wonder whether my husband loves me enough so that he lets such fact affect his feelings towards me. 
I am trying to study English everyday to improve but the habit doesn’t go away immediately. Sadly, as long as it’s there, my husband is getting furious at me, which psychologically affects me now because I am sometimes hesitant to speak English. I am afraif I could say or pronounce some words wrongly, which doesn’t help my English improve.

I don’t want to be in this situation where I feel like I am a loser not being able to pronounce the final sounds of English sometimes.

I really need help here, otherwise my marriage is on the brink of breaking up.

Thank you so much!

Edited March 7, 2021 by Christinabui

[central]

I'd tell him to stuff his bad attitude where the sun don't shine.  And I'd tell him that if he doesn't, he'll have to learn your native language because you will stop speaking English with him.  His superiority complex - or whatever it is - will disappear quickly.  Or, you'll get divorced, which may not be a bad thing if there are other issues and attitudinal problems.

A dear friend is from Poland.  She speaks and writes better English than most native speakers, with a better vocabulary.  Of course there are some quirks and lapses, which most find charming, but her ex boyfriend was always putting her down - I think he felt he was superior, but he couldn't speak even a little of any foreign language, much less master it.

[d0nnivain]

He's being a jerk about this.  Ask him why he thinks it's OK to mean to his wife? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Christinabui said:

my husband, British.

How long have you known each other? Is it an arranged marriage? Does he understand your language or know your parents/family? He seems like an abusive bully. This has nothing to do with your enunciation.

[ShyViolet]

Becoming furious at you for not pronouncing some words correctly?

This is ridiculous.  The issue is not your English.  The issue is that your husband is abusive.  I wouldn't tolerate this.

[Christinabui]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you known each other? Is it an arranged marriage? Does he understand your language or know your parents/family? He seems like an abusive bully. This has nothing to do with your enunciation.

No, it’s not an arranged marriage, I studied in the UK, we met and got married. Our families know each other and they are all kind and nice. To be honest I am not that inferior. I have a Master Degree in the UK, work for a multinational company and can earn few thousand pounds a month. Only this matter of speaking English bothers us. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Christinabui said:

Only this matter of speaking English bothers us. 

It bothers him. Why does he make you feel "inferior"?

[Christinabui]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It bothers him. Why does he make you feel "inferior"?

I guess for no reason except for the fact that I am living in his country and unable to speak perfect English. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree he sounds like an abusive bully and a control freak. Unfortunately, abusive people rarely change, as their behavior is deep-seated, built upon a sense of superiority and entitlement. 

He knew how you spoke English when he married you.

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Christinabui said:

Hi guys,

I really need help here. The problem seems not a big one before but now it may affect to our marriage so hopefully you guys can give me some advice to deal with it.

I got married to my husband, British. We communicate using English and to be fair, my English is not too bad as I got 7.5 out of 9 for Ielts. However, I have tendency to drop the final sounds pronouncing words (final -s, -d, etc), not all the time but about one in every 20 words I speak. I think mainly it comes from the habit that my native language doesn’t have final sounds. It’s difficult for me to change in a short period as it has been my habit for a while. Unfortunately, my husband is really frustrated with my pronunciation and we got many fights over that as I got frustrated at him as well, failing to understand why he could feel that way. I am foreigner and the fact that I can’t speak standard English should not impact our relationship. Many couples out there could not even communicate well but they are still happy and love each other. Sometimes I wonder whether my husband loves me enough so that he lets such fact affect his feelings towards me. 
I am trying to study English everyday to improve but the habit doesn’t go away immediately. Sadly, as long as it’s there, my husband is getting furious at me, which psychologically affects me now because I am sometimes hesitant to speak English. I am afraif I could say or pronounce some words wrongly, which doesn’t help my English improve.

I don’t want to be in this situation where I feel like I am a loser not being able to pronounce the final sounds of English sometimes.

I really need help here, otherwise my marriage is on the brink of breaking up.

Thank you so much!

The problem is not your English, @Christinabui. The problem is that he is emotionally abusive. 

He got together with you and married you knowing exactly how you spoke. He knew English wasn't your first language. So for him to suddenly turn around and make a big deal about this is absolute rubbish.

I think he's doing what abusive people the world over do: he's identified the one thing that he can make you feel insecure about and turned it into an issue. That has destabilized you and caused you to work hard to "fix the problem," which isn't actually a problem. He wants to make you feel insecure because he is tremendously insecure himself. And it's working.

Look, you should be proud of who you are and your achievements. You actually pursued a university degree in a language that isn't your first language. How many of us can say the same? Can your husband even communicate coherently in your language? I strongly suspect he can't. And yet you're not turning it into an issue, are you?

Edited March 7, 2021 by Acacia98

[hajk]

I agree with other posters, your husband sounds emotionally abusive.  I would suggest marriage counseling as the next step, hopefully your husband will learn and recognize his errors.

[basil67]

Out of curiosity, does your husband fluently speak a second language?   If not, you might want to point out that your language achievements are vastly superior to his and that he should keep this in mind. 

[snowboy91]

I'm assuming he hasn't bothered to try and learn any of your native language? If that's the case then you've put in many times the amount of effort that he has to try and communicate effectively within the relationship. There are quirks in every language that can be very difficult for a non-native speaker to master - and you only realise that when you try and learn a second (or subsequent) language fluently.

If it was me I wouldn't see it as a big deal at all - and even if I did, I would want to see genuine attempts at progress being made - you're making every effort so you're going above and beyond what I would expect.

The only thing I can suggest is that you need to explain to him that mastering English to his standard isn't going to happen overnight - and he's not exactly entitled to have that expectation if he hasn't mastered your native language. 

[Lotsgoingon]

This is mean arrogance that he is bringing to the relationship, and it's ignorance as well. Anybody who knows one bit about language knows that it's nearly impossible for adults to learn a new language and speak it in the same way as native speakers. Nearly impossible. 

Your husband knew how you spoke before he married you. He should not have married you. You do not want to apologize for your accent. And in fact, he should KNOW your accent by now and be able to understand you. 

So you can flip this. He's the slow one that he hasn't caught on to how you speak. But ... he does understand you I bet. He's just being a jerk. This is not a good sign. You really need to have a knock-down drag-out fight over this one. You have to stand your ground and tell him to go do things to himself. Do you guys have children. If not, fight this out right now and if he doesn't back off, leave his behind. This is cruel and it's ignorant, and you should not be buying into the idea that there is something wrong with your language. 

[MsJayne]

Perhaps hubby needs to be told, "Darlink, I may not be speaking the English perfect, but it is good that I am not the bully abusive, no?"   

[MsJayne]

This just reminded me of a language pronunciation incident that sums up those who find fault with foreigners trying to grasp a language:

Bangkok cab driver: "Where you go today?"

Me: "We've been up to the Kwai River" (I pronounced Kwai as Kwy)

Cab driver, laughing at me: "Is no Kwy, is Kweh, kwy mean buffaro. Many Engrish peopoh not ever speak Thai right" 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Christinabui said:

I have tendency to drop the final sounds pronouncing words (final -s, -d, etc), not all the time but about one in every 20 words I speak

He's being arrogant and ridiculous

 

[Interstellar]

I was once in a group work with a Chinese woman and got to know her pretty well and it was extremely difficult to understand her English. Compared to yours, her writing was  unintelligible. I was extremely patient with her and i can see how hard it was for her.

Your english is very good and your husband should be encouraging and patient with you. Love is patient and kind. He should be lifting you up.

 

Edited March 8, 2021 by Interstellar

[basil67]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

This just reminded me of a language pronunciation incident that sums up those who find fault with foreigners trying to grasp a language:

Bangkok cab driver: "Where you go today?"

Me: "We've been up to the Kwai River" (I pronounced Kwai as Kwy)

Cab driver, laughing at me: "Is no Kwy, is Kweh, kwy mean buffaro. Many Engrish peopoh not ever speak Thai right" 

I love the way you're both at fault with not having perfect second language and judging the other.  It does indeed sum up the problem.  

 

Edited March 8, 2021 by basil67

[Christinabui]

13 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

The problem is not your English, @Christinabui. The problem is that he is emotionally abusive. 

He got together with you and married you knowing exactly how you spoke. He knew English wasn't your first language. So for him to suddenly turn around and make a big deal about this is absolute rubbish.

I think he's doing what abusive people the world over do: he's identified the one thing that he can make you feel insecure about and turned it into an issue. That has destabilized you and caused you to work hard to "fix the problem," which isn't actually a problem. He wants to make you feel insecure because he is tremendously insecure himself. And it's working.

Look, you should be proud of who you are and your achievements. You actually pursued a university degree in a language that isn't your first language. How many of us can say the same? Can your husband even communicate coherently in your language? I strongly suspect he can't. And yet you're not turning it into an issue, are you?

Sadly what you pointed out is true. I didn’t even know it was kind of abusive and solely suffered that until I raised this issue to you guys.  I think I should not let him make me feel inferior or like a loser if I can’t speak the English the way he wants. Thanks you guys so much for helping me out here, I really appreciate it. 

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, Christinabui said:

I guess for no reason except for the fact that I am living in his country and unable to speak perfect English. 

You tell him to travel to your country and speak your language perfectly without an accent. Perhaps then, he will have a little more empathy.

Seriously, if he is this unreasonable about something that is meaningless, I have to wonder how he will handle something that is more important that really frustrates him. Be careful about this... This sounds like the beginning of a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship.

 

Edited March 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[Christinabui]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

You tell him to travel to your country and speak your language perfectly without an accent. Perhaps then, he will have a little more empathy. 

Seriously, if he is this unreasonable about something that is meaningless, I have to wonder how he will handle something that is more important that frustrates him. Be careful about this... This sounds like the beginning of a controlling and abusive relationship.

 

Thank you, I just realized that and that’s why I am seeking for opinions to decide whether I should be in or out of this relationship. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

This may not be an issue of abuse or bullying from your husband. There is a little known condition he could be suffering from called Misophonia. This is a fairly newly recognized disorder, I believe, that is neurological.

Do little sounds of life such as the sounds of chewing with one's mouth open or the sound of a person chewing gum annoy your husband?

If your husband is sensitive to little noises others make he could be suffering from mispronunciations small though they may be. Most people are sensitive to small noises such as a dripping faucet, for instance. But to be Misophonic would constitute a much greater sense of annoyance at small noises.

Interestingly, Misophonia often affects people more greatly from someone they are intimate with. And as intimacy with another increases the affects of this disorder between the two of them may also. This would explain why your husband was able to marry you but as time has gone on your mispronunciations grate on him to a greater degree.

People can have this disorder mildly or a severe case of it. Many people suffer from a mild case of this and it presents differently in various people.

It can also affect the sense of sight as in viewing other people. So that some people may have difficulty looking at others, particularly when others perform specific small movements. It's possible that it's a symptom of mild Aspergers, though not necessarily definitively.

If you husband has a severe case of Misophonia it may be (not saying it will happen) possible that even if you conquer your issue of infrequent mispronunciations his Misophonia may trigger on other issues of small noises you make.

Possibly your husband could visit a psychologist to deal with this. Some may recommend a psychiatrist that would put him on some type of antidepressant, but I'm not a fan of pharmaceuticals so I wouldn't.  There are many mood altering natural supplements that I believe could help your husband somewhat with this but I don't think we're allowed to post the names of anything like that.

 

Edited March 8, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[hajk]

@LivingWaterPlease Wow, thank you for the info on Misophonia.  First time I have ever heard of this condition.  I just looked it up and learned a lot.  This might explain original poster's husband angry reaction.

What is Misophonia

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-misophonia

 

Misophonia - When sounds really make you crazy

https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/misophonia-sounds-really-make-crazy-2017042111534

Edited March 10, 2021 by hajk
Add links

[LivingWaterPlease]

15 hours ago, hajk said:

@LivingWaterPlease Wow, thank you for the info on Misophonia.  First time I have ever heard of this condition.  I just looked it up and learned a lot.  This might explain original poster's husband angry reaction.

What is Misophonia

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-misophonia

 

Misophonia - When sounds really make you crazy

https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/misophonia-sounds-really-make-crazy-2017042111534

Thanks for these links, hajk! Misophonia can be socially disruptive and can ruin relationships of all types. 

I believe it presents on a spectrum of severity and most of us probably have very mild symptoms. Some, not at all, fortunately for them.

In any case, it's a horrible condition to have. Yes, it's hard on close family and associates of the affected, but it can be a tortuous condition to be saddled with.

It's probably that OPs husband has, at the very least, a mild case of this. I hope OP will try to be understanding if that's the case.