Divy5h Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) Hi all. I've been married to my wife for 3 years and more and more recently I've begun to feel that I am being guilt tripped. It's got to the point where before I tolerated it and not spoke out much but now I'm getting very frustrated and upset by it that when I try to confront her, I am not my best calm self. Any advice on how to be better at handling this? Edited March 8, 2021 by Divy5h Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 Can you please give us a specific example? It's hard to answer theoretically. However, it would probably help if you stopped "confronting" her & talked to her instead. Keeping calm will also go a long way toward resolution. It's hard when you have let frustration build up. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 9, 2021 Share Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) On 3/7/2021 at 4:15 PM, Divy5h said: Any advice on how to be better at handling this? You might consider some marriage counseling as it sometimes can help to have a referee of sorts to help broach the issue sensitively AND call the other person out for their actual behaviors (and you for yours presumably too, as "nobody's perfect"). If you do this, strongly consider getting a very experienced one who genuinely specializes in couple's issues. And beware of the occasional oddball one, as there are some of those out there too. It sounds like this behavior is starting to drive a wedge between you and that probably won't be healthy LT if it's not dealt with. Edited March 9, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted March 11, 2021 Share Posted March 11, 2021 Welcome to "Psychological Games" or mind games. We all play them in one form or the other. She has been playing this for a while and has been getting her some positive results, that is why she does not want to stop. You getting upset about it is also showing weakness, this will likely also add to a positive result for her in the short term (negative for you in the long term). To put it simply, mind games that motivate an other person to do something or have negative feelings they would not normally have or do, is bad behavior. Don't put up with bad behavior from your wife/husband. There are many forms of mind games. In MO, this is leading your M down a path of destruction. You are showing weakness by loosing control (not keeping calm) when confronting her, and also showing weakness by letting her manipulate you. She was attracted to you when you showed strength in body and mind, in 3 years she has already found that strength is not that strong. It's time to take back control of yourself and your frame, do not put up with bad behavior you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Divy5h Posted March 19, 2021 Author Share Posted March 19, 2021 (edited) Thanks all for the replies. I guess some examples are: During the height of the pandemic I was told not to go to work so I was at home whilst she was working from home. I did as much of the housework I could whilst she worked but there was nothing else for me to do around the house except read, excercise, tv etc. There were several times where she kept on a t me that she was working full time and I was just sat around doing nothing all day. What was I meant to do ?! I currently commute now 90min to 2hrs each way for work and I recently broached the subject of moving away from her home town to halfway between my hometown and hers. SO that my commute would he halved, her occasional commute would be less and cheaper and that we would be an equal distance from both families. Her response was that I was being stupid moving somewhere we don't know anyone and that I should be "grateful with what I have as certain family members of mine would happily commute if they could have their loved ones back (I lost a couple members of my family last year)". There've been number of times I get critiqued for not doing the hoovering to her standard, or drying the clothes correct and other house hold chores. Or that my hair in the bed is causing her to choke! All these things are making me on edge as I'm always waiting to see where I f*ck up and the inevitable dressing down or speech comes. I'm losing trust in her and am really struggling to be the kind of husband I want. We've had marriage counselling but she managed to convince the counsellor that I was the one with the problem with a show of fake tears and claiming I had unresolved traumas. I admit I'm not without fault. I'm a self confessed people pleaser in relationships and I haven't been strong with my boundaries as I'm always looking to make her happy so that she doesn't get upset or that maybe I'll be good in her eyes. I'm desperate to change myself and I'm getting frustrated and showing weakness when I', reacting. Edited March 19, 2021 by Divy5h Link to post Share on other sites
Datergirl Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 Being a self centred people pleaser....hhhm..I'm struggling to see how that works. Isn't it a contradiction? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 (edited) 13 hours ago, Divy5h said: am really struggling to be the kind of husband I want. Maybe the kind of husband you want to be and the kind of husband she wants are two different things? Unfortunately it's really coming apart at the seams. Best not to move jointly right now. Not a good idea anyway. These halfway compromises never make anyone happy. Why not get an apartment where you work and try a trial separation? You may find out you're both a lot happier apart. Edited March 20, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Datergirl Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 On 3/20/2021 at 9:43 AM, Datergirl said: Being a self centred people pleaser....hhhm..I'm struggling to see how that works. Isn't it a contradiction? Sorry, you put self confessed people pleaser not self centred...not a contradiction Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 On 3/19/2021 at 4:22 PM, Divy5h said: We've had marriage counselling but she managed to convince the counsellor that I was the one with the problem with a show of fake tears and claiming I had unresolved traumas. Wow. If she has the ability to manipulate a counselor you must feel well & truly played by this woman. It sounds like she has everything she wants but where does that leave you? You are driving 4 hours per day & getting criticized at home. What are you getting out of this marriage & what do you want? Marriage is a two way street. Where's the good stuff? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 You are seeing that living the life of a doormat is hard and ungrateful work. It sounds like she maybe a problem but you are your biggest problem. download and read “No More Mister Nice Guy” by glover. It’s @ free pdf. However, if you can’t apply it you’ll stay where you are. Link to post Share on other sites
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