is there a name for this?

[primer]

My family thinks I am incompetent. 

Today's example that makes me wonder: I am an accountant that works at a small CPA firm. I did my dad's taxes (for free). My boss reviewed them. My dad has a savings account with $118,000 that is earning .01%. His 1099-INT was for $15.00. I told Dad he should move that somewhere that would pay more interest. His response: he needs to talk to someone that knows what they are talking about.

My dad has had some minor surgery for skin cancer. When I drove him to the doctor, the doctor said when he should remove the bandage. I ask him if he needs help the day he is supposed to remove the bandage, and he tells me I am wrong, it's not that day. The same thing happens on day 2, 3, and 4. By then I am getting worried because that nasty bandage should be removed. I contact my two siblings and they say he probably does not want to remove it. The end.

I don't bring my dad food anymore because he won't eat anything I make. (I am not a bad cook.)

I try not to help or offer advice anymore because I get REALLY mad when these things happen. I need Xanax. My family does not know how frustrated I get because they tell me I am too sensitive.

Background: Dad is 87 and able to drive and live alone. I live in the same small town as him. My two older sisters live two and four hours away. 

What is it called when family does that? How should I handle it? I need to read about it.

 

[Happy Lemming]

Simple solution for the taxes... don't do them. Send him to H&R Block and let him pay someone to do them.  My parents approached me once about doing their taxes, I refused and told them to go to someone else. It cost just a few dollars to hire an independent 3rd party to deal with the situation... worth it!!

Same with the bandage, leave him be.  Unless he is incapable of taking care of himself, let him make his own decisions about when to remove the bandage.  If it gets nasty, let the doctor deal with the after effects.

If he doesn't want your food... don't bring it.  I used to give my Dad a Subway gift card, he could go there and order the food/sub he wants and eat it whenever.

Stop offering advice, unless he becomes incompetent, leave him be and keep your advice to yourself.  Let him deal with the aftermath. If he asks for your opinion, suggest he speak with an independent 3rd party for the situation.

As far as driving, eventually your Dad will have a fender bender or two and at that point the State may step in and take away his Driver's License.  My mom and I did have to face this with my Dad after two small incidents.  He was very stubborn about driving but stopped after the mishaps.  So instead of my Dad going out to get his special meal or treat, I had it delivered.  One night, he called me up hungry, so I had a local Chinese restaurant deliver some beef and broccoli order.  He loved it.  I was on the other side of the country and with a few clicks of my mouse and my credit card, I had a nice tasty meal in his hands in under 30 minutes.  You can do the same for your Dad, when that situation arises with the drivers license. 

I'm trying to talk my mom into letting me have their weekly groceries delivered.  There is a service called "Shipt" in their area and I can order groceries and have them delivered from the other side of the country.  Mom is still resistant, but I think she will acquiesce soon and allow me to have her groceries delivered.

[ShyViolet]

My dad is actually like this too... exactly like this.  I would call it being oppositional, difficult, disagreeable, unwilling to listen to anyone.  It makes absolutely no sense to drive yourself crazy over this.  Stop helping him.  He's set in his ways.  That's not going to change.  Don't get involved and don't engage in arguments with him, until he gets to a point that he's no longer competent to take care of himself.  The only way I keep my sanity when it comes to my dad is to put up strong boundaries with him and NOT engage.  Don't want to listen to anyone, don't want to go to the doctor, don't want help with something?  Good luck, I'm out.

[Miss Spider]

Not listening to your kids no matter how qualified  or credible they may be ... pretty sure that’s  called being a parent 

Edited March 8, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[primer]

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Not listening to your kids no matter how qualified  or credible they may be ... pretty sure that’s  called being a parent 

I am not a parent, but I am pretty sure I would not ask someone a question just to tell them they are wrong.

 

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you are experiencing this, OP.  This is often what elderly parents do - they forget that you are an adult and carry on as if you were still 10 years old.  I know it is frustrating but trying to fight it and convince him will only make him more oppositional.

You are kind to do things for him.  I know it hurts when these things are not appreciated but make allowances for his age and grumpiness.  He is probably not feeling good a lot of the time and takes it out on those nearest to him.  Other family members have realised they cannot control him.  I know how hard it is to take a step backwards and let him get on with it, especially if he seems to be harming himself.  I would suggest commenting only once, if there are serious consequences.  For example, by saying "if you don't have your bandage changed on the correct day, you are risking getting gangrene and possibly losing your leg".  Then leave him to think about it but don't put any more pressure on him.  It is then up to him what he does.  This is the way you manage him.  It might reduce your level of frustration if you realise where your responsibility ends.

Regarding finance, it's kind of you to do his taxes; however, he has shown he doesn't understand your level of knowledge it so let him pay for someone else to do it.

Something which I am sure you have already considered, is that he might have poor hearing.  I suspect you are already aware if this is the case.  If you haven't considered this, though, or don't know how his hearing is, see if it is possible for him to get a hearing assessment.  Sometimes people with hearing difficulties appear to be hearing things but are actually missing almost every other sentence.  They give the illusion of hearing but are responding according to what they have heard, which is often not what has actually been said.  Persistent misunderstandings can lead to lack of trust on both sides.

Generally, step back and let him make his own decisions.  If he refuses help in some way, back off quickly and let him realise the consequences of not accepting your help.

The above suggestions are basically for dealing with someone who is mentally competent.  If your father becomes so irrational about things that he is putting his or others' lives at risk, then he should probably be assessed by a medical professional.

You sound a very caring guy.  It might help you to contact agencies who work with the elderly in your area, to talk things through and I am sure you will see that this is very common.  They might have some suggestions for how to manage things.

 

Edited March 12, 2021 by spiderowl

[vla1120]

On 3/8/2021 at 11:48 AM, primer said:

My family thinks I am incompetent. 

The only thing that matters is whether YOU think you are incompetent. You know you're not. It sounds like you are the youngest sibling/daughter. I'm not sure whether that has something to do with it. It also sounds like your family takes you for granted because you are nearest to your father. I would make myself less available if I were you. Let your sisters step up and deal with some of it. Maybe they'll learn to appreciate you a little more. 

Also, @Happy Lemming offers some great advice! Let your sisters handle some of those things remotely by handling grocery/food delivery for him. 

Edited March 17, 2021 by vla1120

[Lotsgoingon]

So answer the question, the elephant-in-the-room question that you dodge: has he always treated you this way? Have you ever really felt respected by your dad.

My guess: your dad barely acknowledged your achievements and brights all along the way. What's a little different now is that he is rejecting outright your judgment. But I would be he never really made you feel proud and that you just avoided that, suppressed that knowledge, and lived in denial. 

I say this based on knowing families where parents don't change over time. And if they get worse in how they treat a child (adult child) it's worse in the same direction that they were treating the child all along.