Need some advice after the perfect person ended things with me

[DestinedForFlight]

Hi all,

Apologies in advance, I know this is going to be a long post. I've previously posted about this on Reddit but literally had no responses so thought I'd try here instead.

The situation:

I'm male, 27, from the UK. I have a daughter, 4 this week, from a previous relationship that ended 1.5 years ago. Throughout the summer last year, I was finally ready to move on and started to talk to people. The issue? Every time I brought up having a daughter, they disappeared and ghosted. I made my mind up about two things; first, my daughter was from now on going to be the first thing I ever bring up on the basis it gets rid of those who won't be interested. Secondly, I was actually not going to bother looking anymore and would instead enjoy being single.

Around 2 months after I stopped looking, I received a like on Tinder, I checked it out, I sent a like back, she messaged me instantly, we got chatting, we switched to Whatsapp, and less than a week later, we met for the first time, on a socially distanced date, walking her dog. She was the same age as me, and we seemed to instantly connect. The first meeting went well, we agreed to meet 2 days later, for a walk at the beach. I slipped over in boggy water and wasn't even embarrassed, just glad she found it funny as I did. 3 days later and we were out again, and then within the next week we'd both been to one another's houses. She lives alone in her own home and I live with my parents. She was fine with the fact I had a daughter.

A month or two down the line and we'd both stayed at one anothers houses, we'd been out on proper dates (as restrictions temporarily lifted) and everything was going super well. We had such a nice time, always. She works away from home, so is away Monday-Friday and due to commitments with my daughter, I only have one weekend per fortnight free, so we were seeing one another once per fortnight. On the Sundays when I was taking my daughter back to her mother, she would often ask me to come over for a cuddle because she was missing me. We would talk all day every day by text, and in the evenings when she was away, we'd video chat. 

We both expressed really liking one another, we had a list of plans to do together and she expressed that she couldn't see us not seeing one another for a long time. She was due to start working 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off and she was excited she'd be able to see more of me. I was also excited. 

One month ago, she was working from home for a week. We'd been seeing one another for 3-4 months at this point. I'd arranged to stay at her house on Tuesday and Thursday night, and she was going to meet my daughter on the Saturday. However, we had really bad weather so I ended up staying at hers on Wednesday night too. She had a really stressful day with work on Thursday and was in a bad mood all day but she seemed okay by the evening. When it came to getting in bed, she told me she'd found me a "little too affectionate" that day. Then she sat up in bed suddenly, so I asked her what was wrong. She said she wasn't sure she was ready for a relationship. She said it was nothing to do with me, nothing I had done, but she just wasn't sure she was ready. She asked whether if she decided she wasn't ready, whether I thought we could be friends. I said "probably not" because it would hurt too much. She cried. A lot. After I left the next day, we still met on Saturday with my daughter. 

She explained she definitely wasn't ready for a relationship but again expressed her desire to remain friends. I asked whether she could give me assurances that nothing would ever happen between us but she said she could not as she didn't know. I agreed to try to be friends because I figure it would be better to have her in my life than not at all. I really, really like her, everything about her, she seems perfect for me, and she kept telling me she really liked me too. I do believe this to be true. She cried a lot whilst we were out walking. She asked me whether we could meet to walk her dog a few weeks later when she was off work, so we could give items back to one another and complete a walking trail we had purchased.

I gave her some space in the week that followed. I live stream in the evenings (had been on a long break but began again as it's something to take my mind off things), and in the Saturday evening I don't have my daughter, I do a drunk stream. The Saturday after she told me she wasn't ready, I did a drunk stream with friends. She turned up in my chat, used channel points to make me down a drink, stating she had heard me open a new one. Then she said she had to go to take care of her dog, and left. The next day, she reached out to me, asking how I was following the stream.

I again, gave her some space, but during the following week, she told me her dog had been diagnosed diabetic. I don't really know why she was telling me this, as it's nothing to do with me anymore. When she's away, her mother has her dog. She told me her mother was having to go to the vets to find out how to inject him. I did wonder whether she was trying to ask me for help, as I have diabetic pets and experience with injecting. A few days later, she told me her mother had got on fine, and sent me a video of him taking his injection.

She then, a few further days later, told me the results of a scan a family member of hers had been for. I again, found this weird, because although I had met her family and really liked them, I was no longer a part of their lives. I did appreciate knowing though. Again, I tried to give some space, we would talk every few nights, but she would seem warm one second and then cold the next, as if she didn't want to talk. Queue one week later, she randomly starts messaging me in the evenings, after work, whilst she's away. I know she gets bored and lonely when she's away, but she was replying to me instantly, which is how it used to be, but not anymore. I was uncomfortable with this. I asked her if she was okay, and she said she had been feeling down (didn't specify why). I said I had been too, and she said she "hoped she wasn't the cause" - obviously she is/was but I didn't tell her this, I instead tried to change the subject to which she simply said "I'm so sorry". It was her sisters birthday the weekend following, so I told her I hoped she would have a good time and she replied "I hope so". It was also the weekend I have my daughter so we didn't message over the weekend. 

However, she knows what time on a Sunday I leave to return my daughter, and she messaged literally just as I was leaving the house saying she hoped I had a good weekend, and to have a safe journey. I replied in the evening when I was home. The Wednesday following (this was last week, by this point), I knew she was due to return home as she was due to begin working 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. I sent her a message wishing her a safe journey home, to which she thanked me and informed me that they still wanted her to work Monday to Friday for the time being until potentially the end of April, so she would be returning home as planned but working from home. 

On Sunday (yesterday) she messaged me with a picture of her dog telling me she "had a friend" for the week. Again, I don't really know why she'd do this, I got on well with her dog, and miss him as well as her, but this seemed a bit strange. I was live streaming in the afternoon and hence didn't reply to a message she sent me after I asked whether she was working from home again this week. She said she was, but I didn't see it as I was streaming. She messaged again, an hour later, whilst I was still streaming, asking a question about parking near a shop in my town (we live in neighbouring towns, 20 minutes drive away). It struck me as odd, as she knows the shop. I answered her question when I was finished streaming, and I also told her I was glad she was home and had the dog with her for home comforts. She expressed that she was concerned as she had to give him his injections for the first time. Again, it kinda seemed like she was hoping for help. She also told me she was asking about the shop as she has large items to collect and didn't want to have to walk too far with them. Again, seems like she was hoping for help. I did offer help with that to be fair, letting her know she could ask me if she needed help getting items from shop to car - as it's only 5 minutes down the road for me. She thanked me for this. We've not spoken since.

Now, I'm confused. Really confused. I really miss her, really badly, it's really affecting my sleep. We got on super well, we both seemed to really like one another. I've tried giving her space over the last month, but she seems to like to reach out, give intimate details I don't necessarily need to know, and then go cold as if she doesn't want to speak. It's really confusing me, and I have literally no idea what she's thinking. 

I have noticed her almost every time I stream, enter the stream to watch but she doesn't say anything. She stays for a few minutes and then leaves, as if she's checking up on me. She did this yesterday when she was messaging me whilst I was streaming. I just really don't understand the situation. She knows I like her. But she really seems to be messing with my head, whether deliberately or not. I go for walks after midnight, and when she's away at work I know she sleeps very early as she is up early. I sometimes post my midnight walks to my snap-story as there are sometimes pretty sights - she has from time to time, logged onto Snapchat at 2am whilst she's away from work and would normally be sleeping. I've found this odd, as she'll look at my story and then not do/say anything. 

It really does feel as if she's keeping tabs on me, but I fail to understand why. She shares details with me, as if she's trying to show me what I'm missing, and I don't know why. I just want her back, ultimately. Am I kidding myself that there's still a chance? Any advice her would be much appreciated, and I'm happy to respond to any questions anyone has. 

Thanks for reading, sorry about the rant!

[ShyViolet]

42 minutes ago, DestinedForFlight said:

Am I kidding myself that there's still a chance?

Honestly, yes. 

When she first told you that she's not ready for a relationship, those were her true feelings coming out.  I don't understand why you still brought your daughter to meet up with her shortly after that.  That was a bad idea.  When someone you are seeing tells you that they are not ready for a relationship, that should be your cue to exit stage left, gracefully.  Don't hang around and kid yourself into thinking there's still hope.

Now it sounds like this woman can't make up her mind and is messaging you just out of loneliness.  She already chose not to date you properly when she had the chance.  But she views you as a backup plan, someone who she can use to fill the space until she finds someone who she truly wants to be with.  She's never going to give you what you want.  It's up to you to put an end to this and not engage with her games.  You should send her a message letting her know not to message you anymore.  Or just block her.

[ExpatInItaly]

32 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

 But she views you as a backup plan, someone who she can use to fill the space until she finds someone who she truly wants to be with.  

Yes, I agree with this. 

She doesn't want a relaitonship with you but will lap up the attention and side-benefits when it suits her. You are going to get hurt again man. 

Do you happen to know if she'd recently ended a relationship before starting with you? Sudden turnarounds sometimes suggest a 3rd party in their orbit. Maybe an ex resurfaced or some such thing. 

[DestinedForFlight]

Nah, it had been almost a year for her since she was out of a relationship as well. 

I'm inclined to agree with both of you, but it's not like I'm giving her much attention right now. It's more the other way round at times. Strange one. I also don't really see why everything was going so well, she was telling mutual friends how much she liked me and wanted to be with me and she suddenly changed her mind. That's the killer.  

I'm not messaging her right now; so we'll see whether she comes back for more in a few days.

[DestinedForFlight]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't understand why you still brought your daughter to meet up with her shortly after that.  That was a bad idea.  

We discussed it beforehand, and she'd said she wasn't sure she was ready, not that she wasn't, at the time. She still wanted to proceed to meet her. She didn't want to tell me whilst I was with my daughter but I forced it out of her.

[Yosemite]

Seems clear to me that she's trying to be your friend. Friends check in with one another, friends keep each other updated on what's going on in their lives, friends watch each other's Snapchats. 

She said friendship and that's what she trying to do. If you don't want friendship, you'll have to put an end to it. 

[TeddyBundy1993]

I agree with expactinitaly, there might be her ex or some other guy involved. I think she was trying to use as a rebound in the beginning to get over someone but just couldn't do it. It's hard to judge what her true intentions are, but one thing for sure is if you keep getting excited whenever she shows little attention towards you the more you loose you respect in her eyes. You want a relationship with her badly and she wants to limit it with casual friendship this s*** won't work. Id say stop responding to her and get over this person.  You'll be better off.

[DestinedForFlight]

I may have given the wrong impression off with my original post, but I definitely don't react in an excited way when she reaches out. I often respond rather bluntly. I'm well aware of the implications or overreacting, which is why half the time I don't respond at all. 

Also, whilst I have no idea to know for sure, I don't believe there is anyone else involved. She's just far too busy with work and we had agreed we were exclusive to one another. Could definitely be wrong though.

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, DestinedForFlight said:

We discussed it beforehand, and she'd said she wasn't sure she was ready, not that she wasn't, at the time. She still wanted to proceed to meet her. She didn't want to tell me whilst I was with my daughter but I forced it out of her.

Ok but if a woman tells you that she doesn't know if she's ready for a relationship with you, and then says she would still like to meet your daughter, you should make an executive decision and say "ummm, no."  It makes no sense to introduce your daughter to a woman who has just let you know that she *might* not be ready for a relationship with you.  That pretty much means that this relationship isn't going to work.  Why is she calling all the shots here?

7 hours ago, DestinedForFlight said:

but it's not like I'm giving her much attention right now. It's more the other way round at times. Strange one.

Ok but why are you letting her play these games with you?  Even though she's the one texting YOU, this is taking up your mental energy.  You are in control of your own life.  You can let her know that this isn't ok with you.  

[DestinedForFlight]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Ok but why are you letting her play these games with you?  Even though she's the one texting YOU, this is taking up your mental energy.  You are in control of your own life.  You can let her know that this isn't ok with you.  

You are 100% right. Honestly, I'm too scared to tell her that this is affecting me so badly because I'm scared to lose her completely. I can't stand the thought of her not being in my life... Regardless of how much it hurts as it stands currently. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. She's not "the perfect person for you" if she backed out of dating so soon.

People are flaky sometimes.

It's great you mention being a single dad right upfront (as you should), but be more careful about introducing random dates and women to your child so soon.

How is your co-parenting relationship with her mother? Are you ok with the custody arrangements?

Have you considered dating single moms?

[Fletch Lives]

15 hours ago, DestinedForFlight said:

Then she sat up in bed suddenly, so I asked her what was wrong. She said she wasn't sure she was ready for a relationship. She said it was nothing to do with me, nothing I had done, but she just wasn't sure she was ready

This is not uncommon, unfortunately. It means she is on the rebound, still wounded from the previous relationship and not ready to fall in love again yet. You were the rebound guy.

 

 I'm sorry. It's time to look for new woman. Also, some people find it helpful to cut contact. Search the terms "Rebound" and "cut contact" for more info. Watch for flakey behavior next time.

[DestinedForFlight]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. She's not "the perfect person for you" if she backed out of dating so soon.

People are flaky sometimes.

It's great you mention being a single dad right upfront (as you should), but be more careful about introducing random dates and women to your child so soon.

How is your co-parenting relationship with her mother? Are you ok with the custody arrangements?

Have you considered dating single moms?

Thank you for your empathetic response, appreciate that. Eh... it's the co-parenting is fine for the moment. It took a lot for it to be fine. I'm not going to go into the ins and outs but we were wronged in court, and I had to deal with that for a long time. I've come to terms with the situation now and am fine with it. 

I hadn't considered dating single parents, purely because I had concerns that it could potentially lead to a battle of the kids. My daughter has strong additional needs so I need to be careful of this. It's something I'd be more open to now, but not something I'd necessarily look for.

Incidentally, I don't intend to be looking for anything at all now. I'd rather go back to the way I was 6 months ago, happy with being single than go any further. I know this feeling will pass, but right now it feels like anyone I met would just seem "second best" and that wouldn't be fair on them.

[DestinedForFlight]

4 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

This is not uncommon, unfortunately. It means she is on the rebound, still wounded from the previous relationship and not ready to fall in love again yet. You were the rebound guy.

 

 I'm sorry. It's time to look for new woman. Also, some people find it helpful to cut contact. Search the terms "Rebound" and "cut contact" for more info. Watch for flakey behavior next time.

Thank you for this. Nothing she ever did seemed flaky, to be fair, everything just seemed normal. I did ask as well whether she had any issues before I'd stayed the 3rd day in a row and she did say no, and she then told a mutual friend it had all just seemed "a bit much". 

Cutting contact is something I'm seriously considering but I don't feel I'm strong enough to right now.

[Lotsgoingon]

10 hours ago, DestinedForFlight said:

You are 100% right. Honestly, I'm too scared to tell her that this is affecting me so badly because I'm scared to lose her completely. I can't stand the thought of her not being in my life... Regardless of how much it hurts as it stands currently. 

You're 27 now, it's time to learn the timeless truth: we cannot be "friends" with someone who just dumped us. Not 100 percent rule, but a 99.999 percent rule. Especially we cannot be friends immediately after a breakup. After years have past, we can possibly build a friendship. Possibly.

Your predicament is example #1 of why we can't be friends with immediately past romantic partners.  This woman blinks, says hi, shows up here or there online ... and now you're wondering--which is what dumped people do, we've done it--you're wonder if she maybe is interested again.  Makes you wonder what she's thinking. Makes you wonder IF SHE HAS CHANGED HER MIND AND WANTS TO GET TOGETHER AGAIN. This is almost biologically inevitable on the part of the dumped person. 

So that's problem #1 ... Problem #2 is ... you cannot be friends. You ready? Here's an example of what means to be friends. I have close women friends. I can talk to them about their romantic pursuits and relationships, down to guys they meet, bars they go out, down even to sexual compatibility (or lack thereof) with their partners. I can cheer them on, root for their romantic success or console them and urge caution. Similarly,  I can consult them for tips on my dating life and tell them all kinds of details. That's what friends do: we open up to each other about our lives and give each other encouragement. I can only do this when I have no romantic interest with them. None. 

Now one more time, you ready to be friends? You're ready to hear her share about going out to a bar and kissing a guy? Oh, I see you shaking your head. What you are ready to do is to pretend to be friends. That's all people can do in your situation. 

So now you're in the absolutely absurd, ridiculous position of faking it, hiding your feelings for allegedly a friendship relationship that cannot go anywhere anyway. That's in addition to hiding your real feelings about still having a romantic interest in her. 

Time for you to develop some real nourishing friendships, with men and women. If you did that, you wouldn't confuse being genuine (which is what friendship is all about) and this fake performing thing (where you wanna friends but you wanna hide) with this woman. 

Move on. Cut things off. Develop some friends. Now, you can keep going if you want, but you'll back here in two months reporting that things totally ended with this woman. 

 

 

 

Edited March 9, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[robaday]

I'd do what you are doing but maybe stop replying, no need to tell her not to contact you just fade and start dating others. Sounds like you have handled things pretty good to be honest, keeping your dignity, not acting emotional which you would regret, just slowly lose the attachment you have for her by cutting contact.

 

To be honest, not to get your hopes up but when she sees you moving on I wouldnt be surprised shell track you down....just be ready to say no

[salparadise]

She likes having you as her orbiter. She takes comfort in knowing that you could be reactivated in the blink of an eye, not that she has any intention to... just makes her feel secure that she’s always got the option. It doesn’t mean she’s a bad person, just immature and selfish in the romance department. In other words, she’s a mind phukk that you need to quit indulging because there’s nothing in it for you, it’s painful, and it keeps you stuck. This is not an unusual situation. Tell her nicely that it’s time to say goodbye for good. She had her chance and blew it. 

[DestinedForFlight]

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So that's problem #1 ... Problem #2 is ... you cannot be friends. You ready? Here's an example of what means to be friends. I have close women friends. I can talk to them about their romantic pursuits and relationships, down to guys they meet, bars they go out, down even to sexual compatibility (or lack thereof) with their partners. I can cheer them on, root for their romantic success or console them and urge caution. Similarly,  I can consult them for tips on my dating life and tell them all kinds of details. That's what friends do: we open up to each other about our lives and give each other encouragement. I can only do this when I have no romantic interest with them. None. 

Move on. Cut things off. Develop some friends. Now, you can keep going if you want, but you'll back here in two months reporting that things totally ended with this woman. 

 

 

 

This is 100% right, but she knows that. I made it abundantly clear to her that the moment I see her with someone else, I'm gone. Maybe a dick move, but she needed to know I wasn't down for seeing that. I don't think I'd be back if things completely ended; that would in a lot of respects be far easier than the current circumstances and I'd just deal with that and move on. I get this sounds completely contradictory, but I'm just not ready to take that step myself, right now.

5 hours ago, robaday said:

I'd do what you are doing but maybe stop replying, no need to tell her not to contact you just fade and start dating others. Sounds like you have handled things pretty good to be honest, keeping your dignity, not acting emotional which you would regret, just slowly lose the attachment you have for her by cutting contact.

 

To be honest, not to get your hopes up but when she sees you moving on I wouldnt be surprised shell track you down....just be ready to say no

Interesting that you seem to have a slightly different perspective to most other people who have commented. As per an earlier post, I'll leave it for now and see whether she reaches back out again. Interestingly, I streamed this evening and sure enough, she was sat there, watching. Don't see why she's bothering. The latter part of your comment is a very difficult one for me. Not that this is likely to be the case, but if it were, I'm not sure how easy I'd find it saying "no". 

4 hours ago, salparadise said:

She likes having you as her orbiter. She takes comfort in knowing that you could be reactivated in the blink of an eye, not that she has any intention to... just makes her feel secure that she’s always got the option. It doesn’t mean she’s a bad person, just immature and selfish in the romance department. In other words, she’s a mind phukk that you need to quit indulging because there’s nothing in it for you, it’s painful, and it keeps you stuck. This is not an unusual situation. Tell her nicely that it’s time to say goodbye for good. She had her chance and blew it. 

Thank you, I appreciate this. This seems completely accurate to the situation, it's what friends and family have said to me as well. I don't think she's deliberately playing with my feelings, but of course I could be completely wrong. Just wish when I'd asked her the question, she could have said "no, it definitely isn't ever going to happen".

[Lotsgoingon]

I'll tell you, "Dude, it's definitely not going to happen."

Because ... even if it happened again, she'll repeat. She's shown that she is indecisive and unpredictable. If she returns and you say yes, guarantee she'll repeat the same wish-wash thing. 

Learn from people's actions, brother. Learn the first time. It hurts when the actions are repeated. 

[DestinedForFlight]

Interesting. What I perhaps should have mentioned, and this perhaps is why I'm struggling mentally with this, is this has previously happened in every single relationship I have been in, including the one with which I have my daughter. Every time previously, they have come back. I guess that's why I'm holding on to some hope, rightly, or wrongly.

[robaday]

But to play devils advocate what was the result of them coming back? You aren't with them anymore....

Its one of the hardest pills to swallow in life that sometimes two people can love each other but they aren't right for one another. I have been through this with several exes and tried to work things out again and for a brief period got back together, but honestly the result was always the same. I even went to relationship counselling with one and we fixed the issues but then because we had dug so deep into the heavy stuff there was no spark or fun anymore and we became more like friends. 

She will come back. They always do. But accept it as over, move on and when she does, say no. 

Sorry this came across as jaded. I do believe second chances can work, but it would require a long long time apart in which both people have fundamentally changed and accepted the relationship as it was was over. 

[DestinedForFlight]

33 minutes ago, robaday said:

But to play devils advocate what was the result of them coming back? You aren't with them anymore....

Its one of the hardest pills to swallow in life that sometimes two people can love each other but they aren't right for one another. I have been through this with several exes and tried to work things out again and for a brief period got back together, but honestly the result was always the same. I even went to relationship counselling with one and we fixed the issues but then because we had dug so deep into the heavy stuff there was no spark or fun anymore and we became more like friends. 

She will come back. They always do. But accept it as over, move on and when she does, say no. 

Sorry this came across as jaded. I do believe second chances can work, but it would require a long long time apart in which both people have fundamentally changed and accepted the relationship as it was was over. 

No no, don't apologise, it all helps. The end result was that we didn't last yes, but not because (in my opinion) we weren't right for one another. She did something to my daughter that I won't go in to but I will never forgive and she was arrested. After that, I couldn't trust her with my daughter and that's why we split.

I've come to a conclusion, incidentally. If she reaches out to me this week, I'll ask her if we can meet and I'll tell her how this is affecting me. To her face. If she doesn't this week, I will contact her next week to do the same thing. I'll make it perfectly clear that it's not healthy for me to remain in this weird state of contact and that I need space for a good few months. I think this will be healthy.

Edited March 10, 2021 by DestinedForFlight
Additions

[DestinedForFlight]

Update: Of no real substance, to be fair.

We'd not spoken since Sunday. The plan was going to be to see whether she reached out to me again this week (whilst she was working from home) and if she did I'd ask to meet and then tell her I need some space for a period.

This weekend is the weekend I have with my daughter and yesterday just as I was leaving (my parents drive on a Friday so I can sit with my daughter in the back and spend more time with her), she messaged me, wishing me a safe journey and a pleasant weekend with my daughter. She also said she'd seen my Snap story and asked whether it was my daughters birthday (it was earlier in the week) and took an interest in this. There were one or two messages back and forth, all casual, and then she stopped responding. She has, however, been watching my snap story over the weekend (been posting as friends have an interest in my daughter, and we've been doing birthday celebrations). 

Get the feeling she's trying to play with my feelings, whether it be in a nasty way or not. Will see what comes after the weekend but will bring the plan above into action sooner rather than later, I think.

[assertives]

It sounds like she's really trying to treat you as a friend. She did say she wants to be friends. If that's not what you want, you should just block her already. 

On 3/14/2021 at 1:17 AM, DestinedForFlight said:

The plan was going to be to see whether she reached out to me again this week (whilst she was working from home) and if she did I'd ask to meet and then tell her I need some space for a period.

Also, why base your plan on how she responds? You are giving her too much power. If she doesn't contact you, then you are not going to act? and stay in this limbo? Take your power back and make your own plans to move on/heal/let go regardless of whether she reaches out to you or not.  

[ExpatInItaly]

She doesn't want you to fin her replacement before she finds yours and doesn't need your attention anymore. 

That's all this is, I'm afraid.