A man who loves me would never.

[IfWishesWereFishes]

I'm just about one month NC. Up until today, things have been going well, but today was dreadful. Today was the first time I heard his voice in a meeting. Thank god it was just over voice. It was so hard, the barriers I've erected to keep him out this past month almost crumbled to dust. I didn't expect my heart to hurt like crazy, my emotions to go haywire, doubt start to creep in. The pain is excruciating, been breaking out in tears all day, triggered and all the memories and feelings of love came rushing back, making me doubt myself for going NC. And crying now as I write this. Tell me it gets easier, please please please.. how did I allow myself to fall in love with him when logically everything was so wrong? I want to stop feeling love for him. I just want to stop thinking of him, stop caring about him. I have this awful fuzzy.. almost.. yellow... feeling in my chest. If feelings were colors, it feels like some dirty, putrid, mustard yellow, like bile.

These are the things I keep repeating to myself so I continue NC. I need to keep reminding myself about what love isn't. Love isn't breadcrumbs.

• A man who loves me would never hesitate to hold my hand in public.
• A man who loves me would never hesitate to introduce me to everyone in his life as the person he loves, not JUST A FRIEND.
• A man who loves me would never hang up on me because his wife came home.
• A man who loves me would never be okay waking up beside another.
• A man who loves me would never be ashamed to show his love for me in daylight.
• A man who loves me would never tell me he is my soulmate, only to ghost me when things got tough.

Tell me it gets better. I feel like vomiting.

[Wiseman2]

A man who loves you would not be married to someone else.

Sorry this is happening.

He's a lying cheating snake. Don't waste your love on that type of trash.

[Whaatamidoing]

Oh god, I feel your pain so so deeply. Your man who loves me list is one I have to tell myself over and over and over so I dont pick up the phone and tell him im sorry (for not handling him being married) and just go back to how it was. We have been conditioned to think that the scraps were ok because the poor man was married, what else could he do. Ummm he could be honest, wear bigger boots and face up to handling a situation he was very much a part of creating. 

It is so very hard to focus on the bad things when we have experience of how we felt when the times were good. The realisation is that we have to remind ourselves of the times they hurt us because when you do actually write a list (I was STUNNED) of the the times we were cast aside or let down in favour of real life it really shows where their loyalty lay.

I keep referring back to my list to keep myself angry at him and not pick up my phone when my heart is wanting us to laugh together like we so often did. The reality is that he dumped me several times in favour of people who his wife would approve of, I mean this was on company outings. I was always hung up on when she rang at the same time, he has even stopped having sex with me to answer the phone to her before. That one took a lot of getting over. The respect thing was not there for a long time with us because I think I had probably let him think it was ok to not bother with hotels anymore, an office desk is fine. I should have respected myself more. I deserve to be with someone who is proud to hold my hand, not someone who wont come too close to me in case the door opens or someone walks past a window. Someone who wont respond to my messages when its a Friday or Saturday night but will sit in front of me texting his wife.

I still love him and its incredibly early days yet and reading everyone else's experiences I will have to stay very strong not to relapse but the above still makes my blood boil so i try to occupy my thoughts with that when I start pining after him.

I hope you are feeling ok about things.

[Snakesalive]

2 hours ago, IfWishesWereFishes said:

I'm just about one month NC. Up until today, things have been going well, but today was dreadful. Today was the first time I heard his voice in a meeting. Thank god it was just over voice. It was so hard, the barriers I've erected to keep him out this past month almost crumbled to dust. I didn't expect my heart to hurt like crazy, my emotions to go haywire, doubt start to creep in. The pain is excruciating, been breaking out in tears all day, triggered and all the memories and feelings of love came rushing back, making me doubt myself for going NC. 

@wisheswerefishes I wish I could hug you and tell you you’ll wake up tomorrow and that the pain you feel will have gone but unlike other people we’ve had in our lives I want to be honest and truthful with you .  Every time I’ve had contact with my MM through work I’ve had exactly the feelings you’re experiencing please know you’re not alone -I know in itself this is small comfort but please accept it for what it is . 

By you setting out all  these points we know it’s a no brainer to detach from these people -NC is the right thing -it’s just our hearts need to catch up with the rationale part of us and that takes work on our selves  ,  the passing of time and the journey through   grief right through to acceptance   , no short cuts I’m afraid .  
 

I agree with @Whaatamidoingits so hard to focus on the bad things and absolutely our reaction is to minimise the pain we’ve felt in the relationship and just remember the laughter intimate moments blissful feelings we know now were  the highs of a drug  and not real mutual  love and respect  To  move on we must be real -writing and re reading the list is a great way to do this .

It haunts me that he still tries to make me believe that if I had just given him time we would have been together -I think he sees as it as my impatience that messed things up-zero responsibility on his side.  I know in my heart that this is another lie and just another way to mess with my head -again if he really loved me would he say these things k owing I’m already in a really bad emotional place  ?  -this behaviour is  at the top of my list of reasons that he isn’t right for me and doesn’t deserve my love or energy. 

can you avoid having any contact with him at all , make changes at work that would make this easier until you feel stronger ? Xo

Edited March 9, 2021 by Snakesalive

[IfWishesWereFishes]

All these things... why are our experiences so similar? Why did we put up with these things? 

4 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

It haunts me that he still tries to make me believe that if I had just given him time we would have been together -I think he sees as it as my impatience that messed things up-zero responsibility on his side.  I know in my heart that this is another lie and just another way to mess with my head -again if he really loved me would he say these things k owing I’m already in a really bad emotional place  ?

I could have written this word for word... exact words. He would often say I'm impatient. I was to blame for being too emotional. That day I saw him in public by chance was the day that crushed me.  I can't know that he saw me or not. It didn't matter whether he did or not, but that day I realized one day he might see me out of the blue and choose to ignore my existence. Someone with whom I had bared my soul and was most intimate with would act like he didn't know me. He would one day throw on his mask of indifference and instead of looking into my eyes with love, there would be... what? shame? disdain? hatred? I finally got to see reality that day. As I was hurting, I ignored him for a few days, trying to process my emotions. The terrible thing was that I blamed myself for not being able to handle our relationship. I apologized for being emotionally not strong and apologized for being impatient. I felt at fault for destroying "us."

 

5 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

can you avoid having any contact with him at all , make changes at work that would make this easier until you feel stronger ?

mostly I can avoid him at work thankfully. it's just so very hard because literally everything around me reminds me of him. Everywhere I go, I see times we were together. All these triggers. Even times of day, like mornings, we would text, in a way waking up together. Places are the worst. I don't know how to create new memories in these places. They are everywhere around me, constant reminders, literally everywhere. Even my dumb stupid work computer, having to see his stupid green checkmark on skype. The sound of the notification of an incoming text. All of it is so hard.

 

5 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

Every time I’ve had contact with my MM through work I’ve had exactly the feelings you’re experiencing please know you’re not alone -I know in itself this is small comfort but please accept it for what it is . 

Thank you Snakesalive. This means a lot. It is more than a small comfort. I sometimes bash myself throughout the day, completely unable to function or think, think I've gone mental. It helps to know others are going through the same experience and to know that others got through it.  Thank you so much for your kindness. I have no one to turn to for support for this. It's not something I could ever reach out for help with other than IC for now. This hell is of my own making.

[IfWishesWereFishes]

6 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

It is so very hard to focus on the bad things when we have experience of how we felt when the times were good. The realisation is that we have to remind ourselves of the times they hurt us because when you do actually write a list (I was STUNNED) of the the times we were cast aside or let down in favour of real life it really shows where their loyalty lay.

Yes yes yes it's stunning. Why did we accept these things? So many times, cast aside for scraps. I need to keep reminding myself so I don't break down. It's all so hurtful. Did I want and need emotional intimacy so much that I set aside everything I value and believe in? It's clear looking back that his loyalty was not with me. At best, it was a split loyalty. 

 

6 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I deserve to be with someone who is proud to hold my hand, not someone who wont come too close to me in case the door opens or someone walks past a window

Yes whatamidoing, this^^ absolutely.

 

6 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I still love him and its incredibly early days yet and reading everyone else's experiences I will have to stay very strong not to relapse but the above still makes my blood boil so i try to occupy my thoughts with that when I start pining after him.

It's still early I know. I'm just so scared I'm going to relapse. Just his voice was enough to make me lose my composure. During my presentation, I felt shaky and off, though I hope I hid it well enough with a joke here and there. A good sign, I suppose, is that he did not message me at work as he had done in the past, asking if we could talk. Maybe by feigning indifference, he might think I'm over him completely and maybe his pride will prevent him from ever reaching out again.

 

[SMoore]

The suffering is beyond words but it does wear off, providing NC is in place.  Luckily I don’t work with my exAP and the one mutual friend we have knows the basics of our A and knows not to refer to her ever again.  So in effect she’s out of my life forever.  Knowing that helped (I recommend you do the same, even if it means new job etc).

It took 6 months of absolute hell on Earth to go through the withdrawal (grief, loss, regret, shame, guilt, panic, anger, humiliation, sickness, anxiety, confusion, clinical depression and shedloads of therapy).  Month 7 was strangely calm and all the sharp pangs were gone, although I still felt the aftershocks.  Now I’m on month 9 and I’m well over the worst of it.

I think of her every day, but now I can catch myself after a while of not thinking about her and I find I’m pleased that she’s gradually fading.  I find I’m genuinely not interested in what she’s doing now, as opposed to just telling myself that.

Really it’s not her at all, but a thought that my mind has created.  It’s the same with you.  It wasn’t so much her but the feelings, associations, memories, second-guessing, worries, what-ifs and all the rest of that rubbish that drags you down.  While I was fighting all that, she was getting on with her life.  Don’t fight it, treat it like a fever and ride it out.

Heartbreak can be absolutely crippling.  You’ll be fine, just give it lots (and lots) more time.

[IfWishesWereFishes]

Thank you @SMoore  I read your post from last year when you were going through this. What helped you to move forward? And, if I may ask, how is it going with your marriage? I think we are in similar shoes, though I'm a MW. Do you love your wife? At the moment, I don't love mine, have not confessed due mainly to the harm it might cause xMM, and I feel the right thing is just to leave my H though it'll be an upheaval. What do things look like for you 9 months later, if you're willing to share?

[Lotsgoingon]

It does get better. It does ... 

This is what I came to when I had such trouble letting go of my ex who dumped me, the ex who I probably loved more than anyone in my life. 

Basically, you're stuck in a brain glitch right now. That's all it is. When we date someone intensely, we literally make them important. So we want to hear their voice, we get used to hearing their voice, we want their approval, we want their reactions. We feel great to be a part of their life.

Then we break up ... and it takes the brain a little while (yes months at times) to let go of the importance of this other person. Then one day you wake up and realize this ex is just one person and this one person's view of you can't kill you. And you realize that there wonderful other people in the world. 

But you can't force yourself there. 

Since you are married, any chance you can sneak off to therapy. You need a third party with which you can work out your feelings. This is an opportunity for you. There is a mismatch between the intensity of your attachment to him and the way he treated you. You know that right? Not mean to put you down, but simply to give you some reality. Something is off in your history that you attached so strongly to someone who in a sense shamed you by the way he treated you. This probably goes back to something in your family ... it's got some deep roots. 

You want to efficiently move on, get yourself to therapy. Therapy (with a really good counselor that you strongly bond to) can help you with this man and with your own marriage. Part of why you're attached to this ex is also connected to what you are not getting in your marriage or how you're acting in your marriage. 

[IfWishesWereFishes]

9 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Since you are married, any chance you can sneak off to therapy. You need a third party with which you can work out your feelings. This is an opportunity for you. There is a mismatch between the intensity of your attachment to him and the way he treated you. You know that right? Not mean to put you down, but simply to give you some reality. Something is off in your history that you attached so strongly to someone who in a sense shamed you by the way he treated you. This probably goes back to something in your family ... it's got some deep roots. 

You want to efficiently move on, get yourself to therapy. Therapy (with a really good counselor that you strongly bond to) can help you with this man and with your own marriage. Part of why you're attached to this ex is also connected to what you are not getting in your marriage or how you're acting in your marriage. 

Thank you @Lotsgoingon  the intensity of my attachment is what is so disturbing. I saw it while in the affair and could not wrap my head around why I was behaving this way and that was when I started therapy about two months ago. I know it has to do with my growing up and probably something to do with attachment. I feel like my brain is unhealthy and it's really hard to digest because these are things that have just always been who I've been and how I've related to the world.  This relationship oddly led me to see myself clearly for the first time and also to see how the relationship was unfolding to resemble parts of my relationship with my H. They are not the same type of people either. If anything, xMM is like a male version of myself. We actually talked about that many times, right down to our thought processes and our ways of relating to the world. We both had the same types of childhood trauma. It's why we kept saying soulmates though we are both the most logic-oriented scientific types. 

I know he treated me badly and my ability to accept that bad treatment is telling. My therapist is helping me work on setting boundaries and enforcing them. It's something I never really learned to do growing up. This I know. It's also the cause of my resentment towards my H. All these things I don't know if I can work out in my marriage, though I'm trying. Just my head and heart are still trapped in all these emotions towards my xMM that I'm finding it so hard to even want to work on things with my H. I just want my heart back. I want the pain to stop. I want to stop thinking of him. I want to get to the point as you are now and can see that your ex is just a person you used to love. It just feels like this hurt won't stop.

[Lotsgoingon]

Well good job for you to be working on this! ... Just make sure you REALLY like your therapist. Sounds to me like you need to do some family of origin work and not just work on boundaries in the present. Do the family work AND work on boundaries. 

I mean, the first thing that just at me is that MM treated you like dirt and yet you attached right ... but ... what the therapist needs to get to is the possibility that the way he treated you increased your desire to please him and attach to him. Get to the origins of that! Cannot be the first time you've attached like this. I guarantee you that you have done this several times before--gotten deeply invested in people who were wishy-washy ... and hot-cold with you. 

Yes, change can bring loss--even good change. But the good side of change is what brings the joy. Hang in there. 

 

[IfWishesWereFishes]

Thank you Lotsgoingon. I will! I'm going to bring this up in my next session. It helps to have people point these things out. When we're deep in, it's so very hard to see. It's confusing and I don't even know where to start. That's how bad it all is. I think just because I act so very normal and together all the time, people assume all is just peachy when really it's a hot mess inside and makes me want to crawl into a cave instead.

[MsJayne]

You're almost at the worst of it.  I think the three month mark will be the hardest because that's when you'll start to truly acknowledge that the relationship is finished.  Also, that's when the heartbreak gets shunted out of the way for a bit of righteous anger to get a footing. Don't crumble, your self respect and happiness is way more important than one snake. 

[pepperbird2]

On 3/9/2021 at 6:15 AM, IfWishesWereFishes said:

I'm just about one month NC. Up until today, things have been going well, but today was dreadful. Today was the first time I heard his voice in a meeting. Thank god it was just over voice. It was so hard, the barriers I've erected to keep him out this past month almost crumbled to dust. I didn't expect my heart to hurt like crazy, my emotions to go haywire, doubt start to creep in. The pain is excruciating, been breaking out in tears all day, triggered and all the memories and feelings of love came rushing back, making me doubt myself for going NC. And crying now as I write this. Tell me it gets easier, please please please.. how did I allow myself to fall in love with him when logically everything was so wrong? I want to stop feeling love for him. I just want to stop thinking of him, stop caring about him. I have this awful fuzzy.. almost.. yellow... feeling in my chest. If feelings were colors, it feels like some dirty, putrid, mustard yellow, like bile.

These are the things I keep repeating to myself so I continue NC. I need to keep reminding myself about what love isn't. Love isn't breadcrumbs.

• A man who loves me would never hesitate to hold my hand in public.
• A man who loves me would never hesitate to introduce me to everyone in his life as the person he loves, not JUST A FRIEND.
• A man who loves me would never hang up on me because his wife came home.
• A man who loves me would never be okay waking up beside another.
• A man who loves me would never be ashamed to show his love for me in daylight.
• A man who loves me would never tell me he is my soulmate, only to ghost me when things got tough.

Tell me it gets better. I feel like vomiting.

In once heard a line that went "you don't have to be invisible to disappear".  So often, it's easy to lose yourself in a relationship, affair or otherwise.

Underneath all the heartache, "you" are still there. You will get through this, painful as it may be. Every day will get a little bit better, and you will find your strength again.

TBH, it sounds very much to me like the "toxic" ( we all have them) parts of you and the MM were reflected in one another.

What do you think?

[IfWishesWereFishes]

2 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

TBH, it sounds very much to me like the "toxic" ( we all have them) parts of you and the MM were reflected in one another.

What do you think?

Yes. These are the toxic parts of me, the really toxic parts. He and I are the same. So many times we'd just stare at each other and think WTF is this. It's the first time I've seen myself in another person so intimately and understood on some weird level all the darkness. It drew us together for sure, almost a relief, like a shaken up soda bottle all these years uncapped suddenly, genie out of the bottle.. what have you. It's why we felt so utterly at home with each other. Why we instantly saw through each other in every way, had an insane connection. Soulmates, if you will. Not in the sense of romantic we belong together, but in the sense that we end up teaching each other about ourselves. 

We saw our toxic sides in each other. First time I felt really understood. First time someone told me it's okay and that I didn't have to keep putting up the exhausting front of normalcy. It was the first time anyone in my life has seen me accurately and said, you know what, it's all okay. I totally get you. But, all the toxicity we both have inside ourselves created the push/pull. I am no better than he. Both of us hurting in our primary relationships and thought we could find some happiness together because we understood each other so well psychologically and emotionally, thinking maybe if we could work together on the darkness, we could solve things together, make life better. But it just creates more problems. And there's the toxic parts of it all.

I know now that healthy, non-toxic ways to solve things would be to recognize the things that are broken within our marriages and try to fix them or to seek therapy. I think this is why people on LS, the betrayed spouses come down so hard on the WS. Understandably, they think why??? why could we not have been braver, less cowardly? Come to them when we were hurting? Why couldn't there have been conversations? Why? One answer is just the toxic way we as cheaters have always dealt with things and that is in a fearful manner. For me and xMM we both have abandonment fears. How many times we'd both experience perceived abandonment. He'd accuse, I'd accuse. We'd go through these weird emotions and only after awhile, we started seeing the pattern. I saw it in myself and him. He saw it only in me. We both started seeing therapists (not together of course) to address what was going on within ourselves from this experience. I'd point out things in his past that caused him to react certain ways and he'd do the same of me. There are so many other things, but I think we had to meet, had to have this relationship to finally see our own dysfunction, acknowledge the deep and troubling roots of our behaviors.

Finally after all these years, I was able to actually admit I need therapy because I'd been burying things deeply. So sometimes that's why I say, I think all things happen for a reason. Life is a journey for self-awareness.  Some experiences are positive. But the ones that really make the greatest impact are through fire and brutal truths.

[pepperbird2]

4 minutes ago, IfWishesWereFishes said:

Yes. These are the toxic parts of me, the really toxic parts. He and I are the same. So many times we'd just stare at each other and think WTF is this. It's the first time I've seen myself in another person so intimately and understood on some weird level all the darkness. It drew us together for sure, almost a relief, like a shaken up soda bottle all these years uncapped suddenly, genie out of the bottle.. what have you. It's why we felt so utterly at home with each other. Why we instantly saw through each other in every way, had an insane connection. Soulmates, if you will. Not in the sense of romantic we belong together, but in the sense that we end up teaching each other about ourselves. 

We saw our toxic sides in each other. First time I felt really understood. First time someone told me it's okay and that I didn't have to keep putting up the exhausting front of normalcy. It was the first time anyone in my life has seen me accurately and said, you know what, it's all okay. I totally get you. But, all the toxicity we both have inside ourselves created the push/pull. I am no better than he. Both of us hurting in our primary relationships and thought we could find some happiness together because we understood each other so well psychologically and emotionally, thinking maybe if we could work together on the darkness, we could solve things together, make life better. But it just creates more problems. And there's the toxic parts of it all.

I know now that healthy, non-toxic ways to solve things would be to recognize the things that are broken within our marriages and try to fix them or to seek therapy. I think this is why people on LS, the betrayed spouses come down so hard on the WS. Understandably, they think why??? why could we not have been braver, less cowardly? Come to them when we were hurting? Why couldn't there have been conversations? Why? One answer is just the toxic way we as cheaters have always dealt with things and that is in a fearful manner. For me and xMM we both have abandonment fears. How many times we'd both experience perceived abandonment. He'd accuse, I'd accuse. We'd go through these weird emotions and only after awhile, we started seeing the pattern. I saw it in myself and him. He saw it only in me. We both started seeing therapists (not together of course) to address what was going on within ourselves from this experience. I'd point out things in his past that caused him to react certain ways and he'd do the same of me. There are so many other things, but I think we had to meet, had to have this relationship to finally see our own dysfunction, acknowledge the deep and troubling roots of our behaviors.

Finally after all these years, I was able to actually admit I need therapy because I'd been burying things deeply. So sometimes that's why I say, I think all things happen for a reason. Life is a journey for self-awareness.  Some experiences are positive. But the ones that really make the greatest impact are through fire and brutal truths.

I think I saw what you are talking about in my husband when he had an affair, only his darkness was from ore recent experiences.
I saw he was struggling, but had no idea what ti was. I was also dealing with three kids who had issues, and I know he didn't want to burden me with his.
TBH, I also don't think he really understood them himself. He felt tremendous guilt and shame ( combat related PTSD) because he had lost good friends. He never told me, and looking back, maybe it wouldn't have done any good anyway. No matter how much I would have wanted to help him, I didn't have the tools to do so.

It sounds to me like you are becoming a lot more self aware and learning about yourself , and imagine that's not been an easy row to hoe. You're learning a lot and it could well be that you can't really decide where you stand with respect to your marriage until you figure all that out.

[JTSW]

20 minutes ago, IfWishesWereFishes said:

He and I are the same.

No, you didnt cheat on anyone. He did.

You were is dirty little secret that he didnt want anyone to know about. 

Thats wrong. No woman deserves that treatment.

MM will say anything a woman wants to hear to keep her around.

He's a snake. Consider yourself very lucky to be out of that situation.

One day you will meet a great unattached guy who will show you what it truly feels like to be loved and not used.

Hang in there. It will get easier x

[IfWishesWereFishes]

9 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

I think I saw what you are talking about in my husband when he had an affair, only his darkness was from ore recent experiences.
I saw he was struggling, but had no idea what ti was. I was also dealing with three kids who had issues, and I know he didn't want to burden me with his.
TBH, I also don't think he really understood them himself. He felt tremendous guilt and shame ( combat related PTSD) because he had lost good friends. He never told me, and looking back, maybe it wouldn't have done any good anyway. No matter how much I would have wanted to help him, I didn't have the tools to do so.

I think the not wanting to burden someone with things plays a big part. Last two years for me was really tough and I thought I was strong enough to handle things on my own. I've always been fiercely independent and therein lies the issue. At the core, I just don't trust anyone with anything in my life. For fear of rejection, abandonment, fear of appearing weak. Men particularly usually have these issues, but that's me in a nutshell. So, we bottle these things up. And then, we meet someone who understands and slippery slope, bad choices that hurt others. Because I did not seek support from my H and did not trust that he would give me support, I sought it outside my M. And I did not trust that he would support me because there were many times I felt unsupported. It's like the chicken and egg. Which came first? It's how communication break-down lies at the core of all these things. And relationship dynamics and all that, deep ruts, patterns of behavior. 

I think too that like you say above, even if you wanted to help him, you didn't have the tools. Often in a marriage, we bury things deeply, lots of walls to shut out hurt, we aren't honest with our needs so they never get met. Both sides. Resentment builds. Communication ceases and one person just says, forget it, just going to do something, anything to feel better. 

It's really complicated, these things. Not all affairs are about wanting sex and going outside the marriage for sex isn't what it's about always nor that they didn't find their spouse fulfilling their physical aspect. Sure, sometimes it is. But men and women both want and need validation and admiration, emotional connectivity and support. It's not just about attraction to the OW/OM. It's how that person makes them feel understood when they couldn't find the understanding within. Pepperbird, you seem to have great compassion for your husband. I hope things worked out alright between the two of you and that he has gained self-awareness. Affairs are terrible choices.

30 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

It sounds to me like you are becoming a lot more self aware and learning about yourself , and imagine that's not been an easy row to hoe. You're learning a lot and it could well be that you can't really decide where you stand with respect to your marriage until you figure all that out.

I'm working on it in IC and MC. I think my H would be happier without me. He wouldn't have to go through what BS go through. He wouldn't have to spend the rest of his life wondering if I'm out somewhere with someone. I think it would drive him mad. Even before my affair, he would constantly track my whereabouts. I've always been faithful until now and we've been together 20+ years in total. So, he might become even more obsessive about my whereabouts and who I'm in contact with etc. I just don't want to do that to him. There's no peace of mind in that kind of marriage. He'd feel like he had to constantly watch everything I do. I think it's less cruel to just let him go find a life without me. I will never have an affair ever again. Affair relationships bring nothing but pain and hurt to everyone.

[IfWishesWereFishes]

29 minutes ago, JTSW said:

No, you didnt cheat on anyone. He did.

You were is dirty little secret that he didnt want anyone to know about. 

Thats wrong. No woman deserves that treatment.

MM will say anything a woman wants to hear to keep her around.

He's a snake. Consider yourself very lucky to be out of that situation.

One day you will meet a great unattached guy who will show you what it truly feels like to be loved and not used.

Hang in there. It will get easier x

JTSW, yes, I did. I cheated on my husband. I'm the MW and trying to make things right. We are both the same, he and I. 

[SMoore]

It sounds like you’re moving in the right direction, even though there’s still lots to work through.  I guess every affair is different in certain ways.  In my own case I have tried all kinds of things to get through the pain whilst keeping everything else in my life stable.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that my feelings are not important compared with those around me.  Feelings come and go.  Marriage is not about the romantic dream.  And that, if we do eventually part, it will be because we have broken it, not because of some other woman.

You’ll get there.

[IfWishesWereFishes]

3 hours ago, SMoore said:

 I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that my feelings are not important compared with those around me.

I don't know @SMoore i'd have to disagree with this sentiment. Your feelings are important. Because I didn't expect nor deserved emotional intimacy in my marriage, I grew resentful through the years. People need emotional intimacy. It's a need. Babies need it. Kids need it. Adults need it. And I kept thinking I'd be okay without it, that maybe it wasn't such a big deal, after all, there's all these other things like stability and such, what have I to complain about? Well, I'll tell you that it's really essential and now knowing what I didn't have within my marriage, that emotional component, I don't ever want to be without it ever again. I couldn't handle major stressors because of this lack of emotional connection. Your feelings matter.

[Soul-shards]

Ifwishes,

I read your thread and wanted to say how sorry I am that you're dealing with all that pain. I can empathize about the emotional intensity and the sense of connection you experienced, it can get scary. One hour at a time. 

This part below should be required reading because way too many people dismiss A-s as some momentary folly driven strictly by lust or sex needs. Some are and many more probably aren't.  This is spot on:

Quote

Not all affairs are about wanting sex and going outside the marriage for sex isn't what it's about always nor that they didn't find their spouse fulfilling their physical aspect. Sure, sometimes it is. But men and women both want and need validation and admiration, emotional connectivity and support. It's not just about attraction to the OW/OM.It's how that person makes them feel understood when they couldn't find the understanding within.

 

This also stood out:

Quote

Well, I'll tell you that it's really essential and now knowing what I didn't have within my marriage, that emotional component, I don't ever want to be without it ever again. I couldn't handle major stressors because of this lack of emotional connection. Your feelings matter.

Perhaps the role of A-s is to euthanize an unfortunate M which otherwise would have died a slow and painful death, slow enough to take up everything that's left of that life span.

The AP-s may not end up together but now they know that what was missing from their M was not just some frustrating abstraction, but something tangible one got to experience, if only briefly. The tough part is finding THAT kind of thing under favorable auspices.

Wishing you lots of strength!