How to forgive myself

[vwisme]

Recently, my ex (let's call her S) came back into the picture after I started seeing someone else (call her M). I let her know that while I'm more than happy to have her in my life, I am focused on the new person. 

Long story short, M and I break up and S asks if I'd be willing to give it a shot. I went back and forth between the two of them for a week but decided to end things with both. That I needed to clear my head and be at peace with moving on. Well after a couple of weeks, I realized I still missed S and would want to try again. I knew that I didn't want something with M and so I let S know that I wanted to take things slow and not jump right into it but I wanted to work through things. 

Well she started saying I love you and got upset that I was showing a lot of affection right off the bat. Two weeks in I told her that I wanted to say I love you on my own time. That she means the world to me and I want a relationship but not to be made to feel like I'm wrong for not saying it every time she does. I promised her that I was not seeing anyone else and I was not trying to talk to someone behind her back. She started getting upset that we weren't exclusive. This led to some arguments and I admit, I could have been more delicate in how I presented my side. 

Four days ago, she came to me and said it feels like she's in a business partnership and not a relationship. I apologized to her and started making arrangements to take her out for a special night and truly "step my game up" so to speak. To spend the afternoon with undivided attention and truly be the person she deserves.

Well she cancels that night saying she is busy. No problem. We can reschedule for another day. Things seem to be okay until she snapchats me Friday night on how she's spending time with her grandma. I snap her how my friends and I are making dinner. She then gets upset and accuses me of trying to send her a message. I'm a bit confused by this, so I ask what's wrong. She states that I never cook for her and never do anything special (which is not true. Last time we made dinner together - I took care of the appetizers and kitchen cleaning). I in turn inform her that I'm not the only one cooking. It's a meal my friends and I are making together. Mind you, one of my best friends is a girl which S says she's not jealous of but thinks that I treat my best friend better than I treat her and hangout more. I again inform her that's not true and that I haven't hung out with my best friend in 2 weeks as opposed to seeing S 2-3 times per week.

She tells me that "we need to talk". I admit that from here on out, my behavior was...🤮 to put it mildly. I ask her what we need to talk about and she says nothing serious. I ask her what's going on. Long story short, I push until she gets upset and tells me she's feeling like maybe this isn't the best and we have to work out some serious things. I admit I didn't handIe it well. She then asked for the key to her house which made me feel like we were breaking up. 

Long story short, I do all the needy behavior over the next couple of days and ask to salvage things. Tell her I do want to be with her and we should stay together. She basically goes cold and distant saying she doesn't know what I want her to say. And that I'm only upset that she isn't saying those things back. I reply that if this is the end, we might as well return our stuff. She gets upset and tells me I'm being petty. I let her know I'm going no contact as I need that to move forward and be in a healthy place - to which she in turn gets upset saying I haven't even told her how I'd fix things. She's upset with me and it's not like we are together so do what I want. 

I regret this next part with every fiber of my being but I have to take responsibility...

I call a dozen or so times and blast her with texts. Apologizing. Begging. Pleading...it's pretty bad. I promise that I'd buy her all the flowers in the world and I'd show up right away if she'd let me. In no uncertain terms she told me to kick rocks. She then asked me if I had downloaded any dating apps and I said "Yes but didn't use them because I was too heartbroken over her so haven't used them". She continues to tell me I'm petty, that no contact is just a way to get my way or the highway. I offer to buy her dinner, roses, the whole nine. She finally calls me and tells me to stop, that shefeels on the verge of a panic attack and that she's done. I need to move on and we aren't meant to be.

 

I messed up horribly and though I've apologized a million times, I want to apologize so much more. My friends tell me that while I crossed some major lines, she wasn't innocent either. Currently I don't know what to think. I've committed to No Contact. Not to get her back or get back at her but to focus on me and grow to be in a loving relationship. To continue being in therapy. 

My question is how do I forgive myself? This probably sounds weak but I want to apologize to her so badly. She's who I want to be with and if I've burned that bridge, I just really hope she forgives me. I want to reach out and apologize more but I feel like I've done enough damage and to just walk away before I burn myself further. I want to be a better man from this so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited March 9, 2021 by vwisme