Money, money and unemployment

[Ruby Slippers]

12 minutes ago, notbroken said:

My own income can be very erratic (small business owner).  It takes A LOT of discipline to not spend it all in the good years and go in debt in the leaner years.  I wasn't always good at it.   Humbling experience sometimes. 

Amen. I used to run my own business, so I learned that lesson well. By now, I'm mature enough that I'm still quite frugal in spite of almost doubling my salary last year. I know now that anything can happen, continued salary is never guaranteed, so you have to save and invest while you can. Also, the sooner you establish a good nest egg, the sooner you can relax, and possibly retire if you want. This is why I like Dave Ramsey's core philosophy so much. As long as you follow his baby steps program, you're being conservative and prudent with your money.

Edited March 12, 2021 by Ruby Slippers

[Crazelnut]

Jeez, the stories you tell about his behavior just get worse & worse. Aside from refusing to accept his situation and wasting much-needed money on running for office, now we hear he carelessly got his car stolen! Banana, there is something mentally wrong with your husband. I'm not being flippant. He's cognitively dealing with stuff the way an undeveloped teen brain would do!

The more you say, the more convinced I am that you need to get a legal separation in place. You need to protect yourself from his foolishness. 

[S2B]

Why is his license suspended?

[bananatree]

12 hours ago, S2B said:

Why is his license suspended?

I think he got a speeding ticket and never dealt with it.  His license is not suspended anymore, and he cleared up whatever traffic issue caused the warrant (maybe the same ticket, or a different one, I'm not sure).  But he is not insured to drive my vehicle because it would cost like $1000 to insure him a month.

Edited March 13, 2021 by bananatree

[bananatree]

21 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

Jeez, the stories you tell about his behavior just get worse & worse. Aside from refusing to accept his situation and wasting much-needed money on running for office, now we hear he carelessly got his car stolen! Banana, there is something mentally wrong with your husband. I'm not being flippant. He's cognitively dealing with stuff the way an undeveloped teen brain would do!

The more you say, the more convinced I am that you need to get a legal separation in place. You need to protect yourself from his foolishness. 

I do believe he has raging ADHD. He has a tendency to lose things.  When he helps with housework (which he does), he'll do it really incompletely.  For instance, he'll sweep the floor and sweep all the dirt into a corner and leave it there until it gets all scattered around the floor again.  He won't use a dustpan ever (I can't explain this).  When he does the dishes, instead of rinsing them and putting them in the dishwasher, he'll let dishes soak in dishsoap and then... leave it until someone else (me), rinses them and puts them away. If we have some cut flowers that need to be thrown out, he'll open the front door and throw them into our garden (I think he thinks he's composting???  It's just a mess). 

BTW, he always leaves the car key in the car so he won't forget where the key is.  He got his old car got stolen this way from our driveway (we got it back).  My car was also stolen this way (he left the fob in the car while it was parked in front of the house during day time.  We also got it back).  It's a major problem!  

I should encourage him to see a neurologist perhaps.  He's been taking Lipitor which I heard can have neurological side effects.  

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, bananatree said:

I do believe he has raging ADHD.

That seems a reasonable assessment. 

All that you describe is certainly in keeping with his approach to employment and his inability to manage his finances. Dare I say it, but it sounds like you are married to an immature teenager. You sound more like his parent than his partner. 

[S2B]

Has he ever had a drinking problem?

[salparadise]

On 3/11/2021 at 12:29 PM, bananatree said:

And, of course, the irony is I could find a new rich husband, which would help me do that for him. 

Or, you could detach from the expectation that the $350k lifestyle is something you are owed, as well as the resentment that you project on your H for not being able to deliver. Focus instead on gratitude... Gratitude? WTF is that you ask? And for what? Well, for being healthy, emotionally stable, and having the mental acuity to knock down a six figure salary. That salary puts you in about the top 15 percent, btw. Nothing is permanent, and this is something we all have to accept.

I'm not trying to slam you... I've been through something similar. I've gone from a 6 figure income to virtually none, and now back to less than before but enough to live and be happy. One big key is accepting where you are, and structuring your life such that your expenses are less than your take-home pay (which sounds obvious, but in such cases there is resistance to restructuring, i.e. holding onto the dream as if it defines you). Since your husband is basically delusional about this you're going to have to take the bull by the horns and get it done. The sooner the better. If you have much equity in that big, expensive house, that's your escape hatch (sell it and pay off debt). The arithmetic is a purely practical problem...

The harder part is learning to detach from what you've come to believe money and lifestyle means. It's not who you are. Esp. in the US we are so subscribed to status hierarchy that it seems like a death to let it go. But it's all imaginary––Disney shyt. Take a look at my sig, the Max Weber quote. On my dating profile I have a statement in the first paragraph:  "I'd like to connect with someone who has transcended the, well, you know..." We are talking about the "well, you know" part. I also say at the end, "you're not about form and symbol." Venture a guess on that one?

I know you're struggling, that it's painful, and I do empathize. Letting go is a process––not done in a day. You need to be talking to the right people, reading the right books (Eckhart Tolle for one). I also took the Dave Ramsey course that Ruby mentioned, and I doubt that it would be a revelation to you, however, it just might motivate you to get things done that need to be done (right now) without so much angst. But the biggie is practicing gratitude openly and intentionally every day. Everything is relative. You aren't missing meals. You're living indoors. Your kids have shoes. This blame the husband routine is a diversion that keeps you from focusing on the stuff that matters. Do you not feel his suffering too? The shame he bears every day must be monumental. I think you need to sit down with him in kindness and camaraderie, and say I know it must be as hard on you as it is on me... but we need to invoke an emergency plan, and here it is all laid out in B&W. 

[bananatree]

3 hours ago, salparadise said:

Or, you could detach from the expectation that the $350k lifestyle is something you are owed, as well as the resentment that you project on your H for not being able to deliver. Focus instead on gratitude... Gratitude? WTF is that you ask? And for what? Well, for being healthy, emotionally stable, and having the mental acuity to knock down a six figure salary. That salary puts you in about the top 15 percent, btw. Nothing is permanent, and this is something we all have to accept.

I'm not trying to slam you... I've been through something similar. I've gone from a 6 figure income to virtually none, and now back to less than before but enough to live and be happy. One big key is accepting where you are, and structuring your life such that your expenses are less than your take-home pay (which sounds obvious, but in such cases there is resistance to restructuring, i.e. holding onto the dream as if it defines you). Since your husband is basically delusional about this you're going to have to take the bull by the horns and get it done. The sooner the better. If you have much equity in that big, expensive house, that's your escape hatch (sell it and pay off debt). The arithmetic is a purely practical problem...

The harder part is learning to detach from what you've come to believe money and lifestyle means. It's not who you are. Esp. in the US we are so subscribed to status hierarchy that it seems like a death to let it go. But it's all imaginary––Disney shyt. Take a look at my sig, the Max Weber quote. On my dating profile I have a statement in the first paragraph:  "I'd like to connect with someone who has transcended the, well, you know..." We are talking about the "well, you know" part. I also say at the end, "you're not about form and symbol." Venture a guess on that one?

I know you're struggling, that it's painful, and I do empathize. Letting go is a process––not done in a day. You need to be talking to the right people, reading the right books (Eckhart Tolle for one). I also took the Dave Ramsey course that Ruby mentioned, and I doubt that it would be a revelation to you, however, it just might motivate you to get things done that need to be done (right now) without so much angst. But the biggie is practicing gratitude openly and intentionally every day. Everything is relative. You aren't missing meals. You're living indoors. Your kids have shoes. This blame the husband routine is a diversion that keeps you from focusing on the stuff that matters. Do you not feel his suffering too? The shame he bears every day must be monumental. I think you need to sit down with him in kindness and camaraderie, and say I know it must be as hard on you as it is on me... but we need to invoke an emergency plan, and here it is all laid out in B&W. 

Learn to read.  Seriously.  You didn't even read my post. But thanks for your reply.

[salparadise]

13 hours ago, bananatree said:

Learn to read.  Seriously.  You didn't even read my post. But thanks for your reply.

Guess I just don't buy the po-po pitiful me routine. 

Edited March 15, 2021 by salparadise

[mrs rubble]

I’ve been in a similar situation with my ex husband, he also used to lie about going to work, and money. 

I was responsible for %100 of the bills for 7 years, it’s incredibly difficult and trying especially when they have big plans to make money! Which never eventuates. 

I split with him due to abuse, but the freedom I felt afterwards was amazing... with my proceeds from our house I managed to buy another much smaller home closer to my work and I’ve plodded along ever since. 

I think you should do the trial separation and spend time with your mother, you never know how long you’ll have her, if anything happens to her you’ll kick yourself for wasting more time to “turn the corner” that you find yourself stuck on. 

[bananatree]

4 hours ago, mrs rubble said:

I’ve been in a similar situation with my ex husband, he also used to lie about going to work, and money. 

I was responsible for %100 of the bills for 7 years, it’s incredibly difficult and trying especially when they have big plans to make money! Which never eventuates. 

I split with him due to abuse, but the freedom I felt afterwards was amazing... with my proceeds from our house I managed to buy another much smaller home closer to my work and I’ve plodded along ever since. 

I think you should do the trial separation and spend time with your mother, you never know how long you’ll have her, if anything happens to her you’ll kick yourself for wasting more time to “turn the corner” that you find yourself stuck on. 

Thanks for this response.  I'm happy to hear that you feel much more free now to create your own momentum moving forward.  It's not about maintaining a previous lifestyle at all, it's about creating a sense of sanity and organization. Congratulations for getting yourself out of that negative situation.

[Helena handbasket]

Wow he supported you for over a decade well beyond the average standard of living, then he hits hard times and you want to bail? you carried you longer than you carried him, and he did a better job of carrying you when he was able. how ungrateful can you be?

[Wiseman2]

On 3/12/2021 at 9:30 AM, bananatree said:

This is what I was thinking.  I was not that excited about splitting the kids, but they don't really hang out together that much anyway, and we can coordinate weekend visits with minimal difficulty. My daughter is the kind of kid who will definitely feel abandoned though and resent that set-up too, but I can't make everyone happy all the time. 

Sounds like a good plan. Everyone wins.

You're in SF with your mother, friends, family, son, work, etc. And your husband and daughter can stay in LA with their school and work.

It's the perfect step until you figure things out technically.

It's better than staying in LA and hating it and it's better than your husband having to live with your mother in SF and hating it.

It's not a divorce but it's a good step to figure out if divorce is the next step.

 

Edited March 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

[bananatree]

6 hours ago, Helena handbasket said:

Wow he supported you for over a decade well beyond the average standard of living, then he hits hard times and you want to bail? you carried you longer than you carried him, and he did a better job of carrying you when he was able. how ungrateful can you be?

Another poster who doesn't seem to be able to grasp the point.  Oh well.  No where did I ever say I wouldn't support him.  I said I'd support him and make sure he was taken care of until his death, whether we stay married or not.

It's not about how much he makes or who is doing the work, it's about denial of current circumstances.  We can't maintain an old standard of living on a much smaller income.  That's just math, not gratitude.

[S2B]

Isn’t it possible that he find another job? One that brings predictable income?

It may not be his prior amount... but steady money you could depend on... is he opposed to that?

[Miss Peach]

I can feel for you and what it must be like to have a third child. I know from experience you could live in LA on your salary but you would have to make some huge changes. Is there any way you could get him on board? Therapy? it sounds like you won't consider leaving him over this so I'm not sure how much motivation he'll have to do anything different.

 

If you do want to divorce be very careful. CA likes to equalize the households so you could be stuck with child support and alimony. That's what happened to me in a similar situation.