Blueguy30 Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 Hi everyone, Dont really do this online stuff but I am at a total loss. My wife and I have been together for 13 years, broke up a few time in the beginning as we were both young and nieve. Married for nearly 6 years. We are now constantly arguing over silly things, were she's doesn't talk for days, one word answers and keep the answers short as I don't want it turning into a argument. I was out of work for a few years due to ill health and finally managed to secure a job that was shift work. We were both unhappy with that due to me not being at home till 10pm or starting at 12pm so I looked for another job and got a 8-5 job and better salary too. Since starting this new job been there just over a year now she seems to hate the fact I am at home at the same time everyday night. On the weekends I take our kids out to give her some time to herself, help around the house, cook supper 4/7 nights a week thinking that she is run down a little but it has made it worse. I am not at the stage of 2 years of arguing and not being able to communicate properly that I have found myself not in love with her anymore. We are making each other miserable and its affecting the kids too. I have tried to tell her this but there has been zero input from her and she just shrugs it off and avoids the topic. She has even taken the kids into it by saying they don't need to listen to me. My daughter and son are now not listening to a word I say also the amount of nasty comments from them is unreal. So what I want to do is tell her that I am no longer in love with her and want to end the marriage but I am unsure how to word this without it erupting into a huge argument and cause us to hate each other. Sorry I kinda over typed but like I said I am 100% lost and don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
robaday Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? If you think theres a potential to turn things around with her it might be worth reading that as it helps set boundaries and gain respect in a relationship. Failing that, I think your wording is fine. It doesnt dance around the subject. It is direct which in many ways is kinder than saying oh I need to find myself etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blueguy30 Posted March 10, 2021 Author Share Posted March 10, 2021 Thanks but I don't have the energy anymore to try and fight for it, I have gave it my all over the past year and nothing in return. My other fear is leaving my kids Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 There is no way to end the marriage without emotional fall out & pain. Have an exit plan. Talk to a lawyer. Get your financial ducks in a row, then tell her. If you can be calm & not respond or escalate when she freaks out, that will be the best way to keep a lid on things. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 12, 2021 Share Posted March 12, 2021 Maybe she will feel a sense of relief when you tell her. Maybe she wants the same thing, but does not want to bring it up to you. I would seek a lawyer's advice before making any moves. Depending on where you live, leaving the marital home can have an adverse affect on the divorce proceedings. Make sure you have a plan. If she is already telling your children in front of you that they do not need to respect you, be prepared for more of the same after you separate/divorce. Talk to a counselor (and your lawyer) about the best way to handle that situation so that she does not succeed in parental alientation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 On 3/10/2021 at 2:28 PM, Blueguy30 said: She has even taken the kids into it by saying they don't need to listen to me. My daughter and son are now not listening to a word I say also the amount of nasty comments from them is unreal. This is not fair. I’m sorry that this is happening and wish you well. Have you ever tried marriage counselling? Maybe it would help, if nothing else it could be a place to discuss divorce and how you plan to coparent together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blueguy30 Posted March 13, 2021 Author Share Posted March 13, 2021 I don't have the energy anymore to try and get through it, so councilling is not a option, as she wasn't interested in trying it when i suggested it before. Yeah every relationships have their ups and downs but too me I have gave it my all to try and save the marriage and just get nothing in return. My fear is also leaving my kids as they are my world. I am currently working on getting somewhere to go to once I let her know. I know there is no easy way to break up especially if your marriage has been a long one but I do still want to show her that I have respect you know. When she has to bring up these kids herself once I leave. Of course I will want to take them every weekend I am off work but she will make that difficult I know. Thanks for everyone's feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Blueguy30 said: When she has to bring up these kids herself once I leave. Of course I will want to take them every weekend I am off work but she will make that difficult I know. Why would you not share custody equally? If you get yourself a lawyer, you can put a custody agreement in place. That way, she doesn’t determine when the children stay with you. There are laws in place to ensure that she can not limit your access. Unfortunately, there are no laws in place to prevent her from putting your children in the middle and talking poorly about their father. But still, if you want your kids - get yourself a legal agreement. Edited March 13, 2021 by BaileyB 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 As said above... there's no easy way to do this. BUT... do it, because the longer you take... the more hurt, and stress you will feel. There is will yelling and high emotions... unless she also feels the same. I would highly suggest trying for a 50/50 custody. your kid needs both you and mom. If you become just a "Weekend Dad"... there is a chance that you kid will start to resent it, and it will be a hassle to go to your place 2 days a week. AND... try not to break it up too much. My kids are a week with me, and a week with mom. I don't know if the exW likes it or not... but both my kids like it since it's enough time to feel like they are at "Home". But either way... honestly... I feel bad for the kids because it would still be a pain in the butt to not have a solid "Home". 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 On 3/13/2021 at 8:42 PM, Blueguy30 said: I don't have the energy anymore to try and get through it, so councilling is not a option, as she wasn't interested in trying it when i suggested it before. Yeah every relationships have their ups and downs but too me I have gave it my all to try and save the marriage and just get nothing in return. My fear is also leaving my kids as they are my world. I am currently working on getting somewhere to go to once I let her know. I know there is no easy way to break up especially if your marriage has been a long one but I do still want to show her that I have respect you know. When she has to bring up these kids herself once I leave. Of course I will want to take them every weekend I am off work but she will make that difficult I know. Thanks for everyone's feedback. How old are the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blueguy30 Posted March 21, 2021 Author Share Posted March 21, 2021 13 which is my step son, brought him up since he was 3 months old. 12 and 9 Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 9 minutes ago, Blueguy30 said: 13 which is my step son, brought him up since he was 3 months old. 12 and 9 So one stepson 13 years old and two natural kids. How are the kids towards you? Are they close or distant? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blueguy30 Posted March 21, 2021 Author Share Posted March 21, 2021 They were all close equally towards the mum and myself, as I said every weekend we always do things together to give my wife some alone time, for her to be herself without the kids, but they have drifted away and don't listen to anything I say and 9/10 times I get a cheeky reply or a nasty comment. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 (edited) You can’t win this. No matter what you do it’s never gonna be good enough. Stay, live in fear and learn to be a good doormat or get out. You seem to live in fear. Why? Being a martyr will only get you disrespect. You start with learning to respect yourself. Having your kids 50% of the time where you can focus on them is better than living in hell 100% of the time. Currently you are teaching your kids to just stay and take whatever is thrown at them. They will learn from you. It is your life and it should matter too. Edited March 21, 2021 by Marc878 Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 6 minutes ago, Blueguy30 said: They were all close equally towards the mum and myself, as I said every weekend we always do things together to give my wife some alone time, for her to be herself without the kids, but they have drifted away and don't listen to anything I say and 9/10 times I get a cheeky reply or a nasty comment. You must be prepared for some serious pain after the divorce. The kids are now echoing their mother's feelings and they are not nice to you. After the divorce, if she feels better that you are gone, the kids will echo that as well and you will have a better chance provided you get quality time with them and they start to miss you. What I would do is contact an attorney and ask everything there is to know about the divorce and what are your options. Then you could try your best hand, tell her you want a divorce if things don't change radically. If she agrees on divorce, go for it immediately. In case she doesn't, discuss going to counselling. You can play this card only once, otherwise it will lose its strength. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 Giving ultimatums if you aren’t willing to back them up will put you in worse shape. From what I’ve seen people don’t change past a certain age. You may at best bet get a temporary change but she’ll probably revert back and you’ll have wasted another couple years of your life you won’t get back. You don’t ask for a divorce. You don’t need permission. You just do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted March 29, 2021 Share Posted March 29, 2021 Wow, you could be describing my situation easily. Just add a few years to the marriage, but otherwise very very similar. I've gotten good advice and all, but it all starts with the same thing. Speak to a lawyer, get your affairs in order, and try to calm down before you talk to her. I've been trying for months to not let her get to me and she does things like use the kids or whatever. Truth is, it's just a scary conversation, but it has to happen. Try to have a plan in mind that you think she might agree with, be ready to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted March 29, 2021 Share Posted March 29, 2021 Sorry for your situation! I'd get the kids into cousoling so they learn to cope and they learn to know that both mommy and daddy love them. Link to post Share on other sites
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