MissBea Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 (edited) I recently found out that my live-in boy friend of 3 years has been hiding things from me. Back story: we were both married for 8 years and divorced about the same time. We met on Tinder and fell for each other instantly. But it was too soon for him. He is a little younger and wanted to have a family of his own (I have 2 kids from my marriage). He has aspergers which make him incredibly smart and wired a little differently. He is calculated and thoughtful in his choices and actions so he doesn't do things for the usual reasons. He grew up very much an outcast and his previous wife was extremely controlling. This has caused him to feel he needs to be social and make new friends. He flirts a little too because he likes the feeling he gets when girls like him. This unfortunately bothers me because my marriage ending due to my ex-husbands affair. His need for freedom aggravates my trust issues. At the beginning he started dating other people behind my back. I found out and called him on it. He was told me he thought we were new and dating other people was ok. I couldn't deal so I ended it. Then we got back together a few months later when he said he was ready to commit. We eventually moved in together. We have been living together for 8 months. He works from home, as do I most of the time. A few months back he said he wanted to join a hiking group, but he wanted it to be just him and I that would not be invited along. This may sound weird but it is not the first time he has said this. He has mentioned it before with a female friend of his. He did not want me to hang out with them. I eventually did get to meet her and it is very obvious that nothing was going on their. I think it is just his way of having things that are his. I didn't like it and I told him it feels weird for me but let it go. He would only go on these hikes about 2 times a month. At first they were about 5-6 hours but then he started going for 8-9 hours. One time he dropped out of communication and that really bothered me. I told him I was mad but all he did was call himself a monster and lock himself in his office. I told him he cant tell me he will be home at a certain time them came home 5 hours later. So moving on...his next few hikes were urban hike so he did not need to dress for a hike, he was leaving looking nicer than he would for a hike. He would be gone all day and say that they went to some bars too. Things started getting a little weird in other ways. I saw him turn his phone from me a couple times. We were not connecting the way we used to and it just felt off. So...I did a bad thing. Something I thought I would never do. I looked through his phone. He sleeps with his phone in our bed playing podcast. So i opened it. I saw a text from a number, no name, and it was from a girl I did not know. I found our her name and that he met her on a pay to date site. Their messages started back in November and were mostly platonic. Only one mention of him asking what turns her on toward the beginning of the conversations. No response though. It is mostly him asking her to hang out, go to bars, have lunch, go to a hot spring. At one point he says he doesnt have to come home one night. that would never be ok with me. There a couple pics of them both but nothing romantic in any of the texts. I know this is a huge invasion of privacy but I couldnt help myself. So i wake him up and ask him if something is going on. I do not tell him I looked in the phone. He tells me no and he says he will do all he can to make me feel better about things. The next day I tell a friend and she immediately gets on the pay to date site and finds him. The account does say he is only looking for friendship but at the same time he posts photos of himself shirtless...why do that? I tell him a friend found him on the site but I do not tell him I have seen it. He opens the account to show it to me. I ask him about the sexy photos and he says he did because he like to hang out with attractive people. I asked him if the people he is spending time with were from this site...he says no but that is a lie. he also told me the girl he was hanging out with was much older than I know she is. My friend also checked other dating sites and did not find him. He told me he would stop going on these outings if that is what he needed to do to make me feel secure. But i know that he was not allowed to go out in his last marriage and that will likely cause problems in our relationship. I asked him if I could meet them. He seemed hesitant but agreed. He is going out with them again this Sunday, all day, but he said he was not able to get them to come by the house so I could meet them. I cant go out because I have my kids that day. I have a feeling I will never meet them. I do not believe he was looking for someone new. I think he was just feeling trapped living with a new girlfriend and her two kids and wanted to feel free. I think the pay to date thing works for him because it is cut and dry. he can contact her to hang out and it does not need to be a relationship. I do believe they are friends but I also cant help but think it may be a friends with benefits thing. I do not know what to do. He did tell me I can look at his phone when ever I want. But it is super easy to cover your tracks. All he has to do is delete any texts that give him away and keep the platonic sounding ones. How can I move on? How can I trust him? I love him and we have built a life together. I dont want to lose that. Edited March 10, 2021 by MissBea typo Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 On one hand I can understand his need for an activity that is his & his alone. It's why some men play golf. But between him taking too long to come home, dressing up for her & this dating app that he's lying to you about (nobody looks for friends only on these things) he is not fully committed to you IMO. I'd get out but that's just me. If you stay in the relationship & let him behave like this what are you teaching your kids? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissBea Posted March 10, 2021 Author Share Posted March 10, 2021 I feel like I cant just go. I need to try to save this. But how do I do that? How can I be sure what he is doing without him feeling like I am controlling him. I need to explain that he broke my trust and he needs to help me fix that. Do I ask to look at his phone? What happens if I find out there is more going on? I do believe that people make mistakes but they can make better choices. I just hate being here again. Why do people feel they need to have another person to be with? He has friends, good friends. He could do thing with. The things he asks her to do he never asks me or his friends to do. I don't understand it. I think I may ask to see his phone so I can ask him about things I already know. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 Is it only females on the site that he is looking to have friendships with? If so, that would be a major dealbreaker for me. IMO its not ok that he's cruising sites looking for women to hang out with. If it was just platonic then why dress up for them? He's going out and meeting other women. That IMO is cheating. You also have no idea what he actually doing with these women while he's out with them. I'd get out because this is going make you a very insecure woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 25 minutes ago, MissBea said: How can I be sure what he is doing without him feeling like I am controlling him. Sorry this is happening. Perhaps "his previous wife was extremely controlling", because he was stepping out on her as well. Did he move in with you and your children? He's dating other women, when he knows very well living with you implies some sort of commitment/exclusivity. Don't make excuses for him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissBea Posted March 10, 2021 Author Share Posted March 10, 2021 He said his ex-wife was just very co-dependent. he said he never cheated on her. I know he can tell me whatever he wants, but I have always allowed it to just be the past. The fact that he hardly ever goes out and has always been very open with me made me feel like he could not possibly be cheating. he leaves his phone around all the time. he knows I can easily look through it. I realize that with all that said, once or twice a month is enough if all he wanted was someone to be with occasionally. But why? Why would someone need a side piece. We We have always had a very sexual relationship. We love being together. What is the point of someone else? He bought a house for us last summer. It is his house. he supports me and my kids. He is a wonderful step-dad and a great partner. I am not trying to make excuses but I do want to stay in this relationship. At the same time I cant do that if I do not feel secure. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 5 minutes ago, MissBea said: It is his house. he supports me and my kids. He is a wonderful step-dad and a great partner. Ok, then you'll have to discuss boundaries with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted March 11, 2021 Share Posted March 11, 2021 omg, are you his lawyer, I stopped reading after reading 4 lines, oh he needs this, oh he needs that, oh he needs milk with mint flavor, so I let him drink it even though I hate mint.. You lack nothing to be settling with this guy, and I don't need to finish your story to see what a loser he is and how much you enable him to be this way kick him out! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 11, 2021 Share Posted March 11, 2021 13 hours ago, MissBea said: I feel like I cant just go. I need to try to save this. But how do I do that? How can I be sure what he is doing without him feeling like I am controlling him. I need to explain that he broke my trust and he needs to help me fix that. Do I ask to look at his phone? What happens if I find out there is more going on? I do believe that people make mistakes but they can make better choices. I just hate being here again. Why do people feel they need to have another person to be with? He has friends, good friends. He could do thing with. The things he asks her to do he never asks me or his friends to do. I don't understand it. I think I may ask to see his phone so I can ask him about things I already know. The minute you need to see a SO's phone there is no trust. Without trust there is no relationship. You claim you "need to try to save this." No you don't. You need to face the fact that it's not working. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 11, 2021 Share Posted March 11, 2021 12 hours ago, Noproblem said: kick him out! Unfortunately she lives in his house and he supports her and her kids, so there's motivation to turn a blind eye. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 11, 2021 Share Posted March 11, 2021 16 hours ago, MissBea said: It is his house. he supports me and my kids. He is a wonderful step-dad and a great partner. I am not trying to make excuses but I do want to stay in this relationship. At the same time I cant do that if I do not feel secure. No you want to keep the gravy train flowing. There is a difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 This is not behavior that I would allow in a relationship. I dont care what his past relationship was like. He would have been ditched to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 (edited) On 3/10/2021 at 3:03 PM, MissBea said: I need to explain that he broke my trust and he needs to help me fix that. Haven’t you had this discussion before? I feel like he knows what you want from him, and he continues to do it anyway... On 3/10/2021 at 2:36 PM, MissBea said: He flirts a little too because he likes the feeling he gets when girls like him. At the beginning he started dating other people behind my back. I found out and called him on it. He was told me he thought we were new and dating other people was ok. I couldn't deal so I ended it. On 3/10/2021 at 2:36 PM, MissBea said: He would only go on these hikes about 2 times a month. One time he dropped out of communication and that really bothered me. I told him I was mad but all he did was call himself a monster and lock himself in his office. On 3/10/2021 at 2:36 PM, MissBea said: I tell him a friend found him on the site but I do not tell him I have seen it. He opens the account to show it to me. I ask him about the sexy photos and he says he did because he like to hang out with attractive people. I asked him if the people he is spending time with were from this site...he says no but that is a lie. On 3/10/2021 at 2:36 PM, MissBea said: So i wake him up and ask him if something is going on. I do not tell him I looked in the phone. He tells me no and he says he will do all he can to make me feel better about things. Four times, you have asked him to stop communicating with other women and he continues to do it. If this is a boundary for you, and most would consider it an appropriate boundary, you have done little to enforce it. And by enforce it, I don’t mean monitoring his phone... you are his wife, not his parent. Have you considered the idea that his ex wife may not have been controlling... Perhaps, she eventually got tired of dealing with a wandering husband who was blame shifting, trying to tell her as he has tried to tell you that you are somehow being unreasonable when you ask him to stop pursuing other women. I can certainly see how, to a man who feels entitled to behave the way your husband is behaving, that could be perceived as “controlling.” Edited March 18, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 On 3/10/2021 at 2:36 PM, MissBea said: At the beginning he started dating other people behind my back. I found out and called him on it. He was told me he thought we were new and dating other people was ok. This crossed the line for me. This relationship would have ended, before it began. On 3/10/2021 at 2:36 PM, MissBea said: The next day I tell a friend and she immediately gets on the pay to date site and finds him. I ask him about the sexy photos and he says he did because he like to hang out with attractive people. And this absolutely crosses the line for me. There is no explanation that he could offer that would make this acceptable. Again, I’m not buying what he is trying to sell... On 3/10/2021 at 2:36 PM, MissBea said: A few months back he said he wanted to join a hiking group Great! Have fun buddy! On 3/10/2021 at 2:36 PM, MissBea said: but he wanted it to be just him and I that would not be invited along. He has mentioned it before with a female friend of his. He did not want me to hang out with them. his next few hikes were urban hike so he did not need to dress for a hike, he was leaving looking nicer than he would for a hike. He would be gone all day and say that they went to some bars too. But, this is not ok. I would love to trust that he has found an activity but you are seeing red flags and because of his previous behavior, he does not get the benefit of the doubt. This is a problem. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. He is hiding things from you, he becomes unreasonably defensive when you ask him about certain things, and you have caught him in several lies (for which he has ridiculous excuses)... Take that information for what it is... and plan accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 Where is your self-worth, OP? I would have dumped his sorry arse a while ago. Have you always been this codependent? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Can you afford to live with your two kids without his income or living in his neighborhood? If so, do it. If not, learn to deal with him shutting you out because until the day comes where he wants to change that about himself, expect more of the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 25, 2021 Share Posted March 25, 2021 Look your time with him is now limited. He's out looking for someone new. Eventually he's going to tell you to leave, most likely by summer, so you better get yourself financially ready to be out on your own. You have about 3 months, so the clock starts ticking .....right....now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 25, 2021 Share Posted March 25, 2021 You've been cheated on before and yet you are ready to close your eyes on all the red flags again. Link to post Share on other sites
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