Questions about 30 day NC rule

[MissingHerBadly]

Not sure how much you all need to know to help.  My girlfriend just broke up with me a week ago.  Didn't seem to be a direct issue with us.  Her ex has been dragging out a divorce for a couple years now.  He was very emotionally and verbally abusive for 13yrs of marriage.  She has tons of what she calls "triggers" now because of it.  

She had just started dating a month before her and I met.  She only went on 3 other dates.  None went anywhere beyond a goodnight kiss.  She told me two weeks into us dating that she wasn't sure if she was ready yet and never planned on anything beyond just getting out to meet people (even though it was dates, had "looking for short/long term relationships on her profile", and she was kissing them goodnight?).  She eventually said she was determined to push through it for us.  Three months later and we have fallen apart.

She knows she gets upset with me over petty things where I'm doing nothing wrong, but reminds her of things from back then.  Last week, I could tell she was starting to pull away.  I was then told she needs to be single still and isn't ready to be with anyone.  Said she was trying to fix herself this whole time, but couldn't do it in a relationship.  

I feel like a large part of it was her ex was causing drama with the kids, changing the schedule on her, and she was having stress at work too.  Her migraines also came back from the stress.  Two weeks off and on now, more on than off.  I feel like that was a large part of it, combined with her feeling like a relationship was "pressure" and "obligations" she can't fulfill right now.  Sucks, because everything with us seemed great, then within three days, she just started pulling away, then a breakup.

There was a lot more to all of it, but that covers the main issue here.  Before I knew about the whole 30 day no contact, I did a couple stupid things here.

When she first broke up, I tried to discuss it with her and work through it.  That didn't happen.  Wouldn't even talk to me on the phone.  Did it all through text.  A day later, we talked, but she said she still wasn't sure.  The day after, said she thought long and hard.  Said there was just no way she can do it right now.

After a VERY long text from her, I told her I would e-mail her a reply to it, which I did that evening.  I told her I respected her decision at that point and would not fight it.  Told her if she ever changed her mind to reach out and let me know.  She said she would but that it wasn't fair to expect me to wait when she doesn't know how long this will take.

I assure you all I will be focusing on myself during NC.  I already filled my weekend with plans and have a list of self-development stuff to do.  Also wrote notes down where IF her and I get back, this is what we can do to make sure this doesn't happen again.  I'd even do couple's counseling with her if need be.  I just don't want to lose her forever.  I'd appreciate everyone's thoughts.

It would be one thing if this was just another dating experience.  But it wasn't to me, and from all she used to tell me and how hard she tried here, I don't think it was for her either.  I just don't know how much she is holding things against me that were triggered because of her ex.  I know I treated her good.  Even her mom and brother kept telling her "don't screw this one up!"  But, didn't help apparently.

Now, the questions...

A)  Based on this situation, if I go full NC from here on out (which I have since that e-mail five days ago), what do you think the chances are I'll hear from her later on?

B)  This is most likely something that will take her years, am I right?  Any chance she might try to sort of speed things up to be with me sooner you think?  Hoping I might be incentive for her to try and finish the divorce faster and get to a better place faster.  But, seems she is in the "relief" stage at this point and glad to be single again.

C)  I don't think she has any interest at all in dating anyone else, but no clue if she would come back to me.  Based on what little dating she has, I almost feel like she might want to date more before even considering trying with me again, right?

D)  I know NC is to focus on yourself and heal, which I am trying to do.  I'm just still very heart-broken and wondering if anyone thinks we have any hope here later on?  I was falling for her HARD and our chemistry was amazing from what I gathered in those few months.  I know not much, but both of us told each other we never felt this way before.  She would tell me ALL the time, and told me that was the reason she was forcing her way through not being ready.  It just didn't work

E)  I worry that since her self-esteem isn't the greatest and she is a giver, that one or both of those things might cause her to not reach back out to me.  Like being afraid if she reaches out, she might just hurt me more.  Or, fear of rejection.  With that said, after the 30 days, would it be ok to reach out to her and ask how she is, or to make it work, do I need to wait to hear from her?

This is all new to me, but I just don't want to ruin any chance if there is any later on.  Whatever advice you all have, I'm all ears.  And again, I'm going to focus on myself and already am.  I just can't help but wonder about all this with her though, and if there is any chance, I want to give it the best chance possible by doing NC right.

[d0nnivain]

Oh good . . . you changed your screen name a 3rd time.  😩

Doesn't mean the answers are different.   She is not ready to date anybody right now. 

For your info . . .NC is FOREVER, not 30 days.  30 days of the silent treatment is game playing & manipulation.   Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.  It's out of sight, out of mind.  

You fix what's wrong in a relationship by working together.  If one person wants to not talk for longer than a few hours it's because they don't care enough to make the effort to solve the problems.  To them it's unworkable.   

[Gaeta]

A)  Zero

B)  Yes years, no she will not speed up things for you, she will not get back to you. 

C) Yes she will date like there is no tomorrow and she will not get back to you. 

D)  No she is gone for good. What she said was good when she said it, after a breakup all that was said during the relationship is cancelled.

E)  She does not lack that  much self-esteem. She had enough self-esteem to break up with you, enough self-esteem to get a tattoo and show it to the world, she has enough self-esteem to talk about how she is focused on her future from here.

[StoryOfMyLifeYes]

Oh boy... I really wish these "break-up coaches" didn't exist, I know this is likely where you got the whole 30 day thing from. Here's the deal, as @Gaeta and @d0nnivain have already implied, it's a load of BS. For most of those "coaches" out there it's a way to prey on the vulnerable to make money. There is nothing more to it. That is the reason why virtually all of them try to sell you some sort of "package" for $$. Just like Scientology or whatever, it's a form of exploitation. You are the exploited.

The 30 day thing is a lie. It's one of those things that sound reasonable to your brain right now because you aren't thinking straight. The fact that you had this back-and-forth following the breakup where she told you she wasn't ready etc. is just the usual breakup stuff. She doesn't want to date you anymore. Not now, not tomorrow, not after 30 days, not at all. She made up her mind, she made the decision, this isn't just something she will snap out of. Think about it: she is a person just like you. Do you have such a mechanistic vision of yourself? Would the 30 day thing "work" on you?! Think back to when you broke up with people. Where were you 30 days down the line? Did an invisible hand force you to get back in touch with your ex? Were you even thinking about her much? At all?

This is a tough pill to swallow but the sooner you accept this the sooner you will stop poisoning your life and likely (to a lesser degree) hers further down the line. The good thing is you are already in NC. The bad thing is you are doing it to get her back, which is obvious from your post. This way NC will not work. Just to be clear one more time, "work" here doesn't mean "she comes back to you" or "she gets back in touch with you", it means "you are doing better and moving on".

As the others already said, this right here is it. This is the permanent state of things between you and your ex. No further things will happen.

Edited March 12, 2021 by StoryOfMyLifeYes

[StoryOfMyLifeYes]

Just to add to this...

You mention a couple of times how great the chemistry was between you, how you told each other all those things, etc., and in your mind this is somehow a reason why you still belong together.

If this was the case, almost every single relationship (except for pathological cases of exploitation and so on) would last forever. In virtually every relationship, there is great chemistry at some point. Yes, even shortly before the breakup.

But that was then. Doesn't mean anything for what is now. She didn't just have some sort of temporary lapse of reason where a voice in her head told her to break up with you. She weighed everything carefully, she came to her - HER - decision, and she doesn't want to date you.

Right now you might be feeling like your feelings are grand and pure, but if you do things right and accept the truth, you know what you will feel in a while thinking back about this scheming and bargaining you are engaged in now? Shame! I know, because I've been there in the past. Trust your future self, it knows better.