Depressed and in an obsessive loop about this person

[hello259]

So there is this guy, he works at the same office and I have known him for a year now..I know he does like me, he tells me, and the way he looks at me, stares at me.. I know he does like me... however, since the beginning, he never spoke properly or consistently with me.. He asked my number but since July 2019 until now, not once has he spoken on the phone with me.. only chat or in person at the office.. moreover, i have only met him about 6 times in this past year, because the guy doesn't take much initiative to meet.. and I, being a girl, Don't want to be the first one to say hey lets meet, and go too much behind him and give him that ego boost.. I want him to do the initiation so that I know that he is interested...because of his weird restricted behavior, we have not even gotten a chance to know each other much.. he never took opportunity to talk to me much.. even on chat, he would reply with max 2 sentences always.. if in person, he talks well, but he rarely initiates meeting... And throughout this one year, his behavior at office has been so strange and hurtful.. there are times where we would not look at each other or talk to each other for weeks, even though we sit right next to each other in the office.. Recently, we had been in touch on and off for the past few months and he wanted to sleep with me... so yea he did make plans for that.. for last 2 months, he would ping me almost daily, saying Good morning..good evening.. bla bla.. and then we finally did it.. but after doing the deed, he again did not talk to me for 5 DAYS... I was so  sooo hurt beyond words.. but I can't go and say my feelings to him, as he is not very expressive type, and i don't think he is a very serious relationship guy.. and i don't want to look like a drama queen doing this, so I kept quiet and I also did not message him... i am not one to really go behind guys.. But as a guy, what is wrong in him messaging me at least once in those 5 days after sex, to say good morning, good evening, like he was doing before?? Wouldn't any other guy do that?? After we did the deed, i thought we would start becoming close finally and have a close relationship, but No.. He became less talkative for some reason, and now only pings me if i have some nice picture as a status on my whatsapp...other than that, no How are you doing, no good morning, like a normal guy.. This Guy's Behavior is tearing me apart and putting me in great depression, because I like him a lot and when we are together, we get along great, we click.. I know he likes me, he does, so I don't understand this behavior.. I am thinking to just stop replying to him or talking, and that is killing me... but holding on is causing me a lot of pain, as it has for the past one year... please tell me , do I move on? I can't continue like this, in pain...

ANd please don't say he has used me.. because I know he likes me.. i mean yeah we did hook up casually, but still the behavior hurts.. is very strange, not like a normal guy who would continue to make plans, talk, meet..  Please suggest what would you do?

[kendahke]

He's changed his mind... but the problem is that he has to work with you and hasn't come up with a way to tell you that he's not interested in you enough to take things further. He might like you, but he doesn't like you enough to pursue you consistently.  You're good for marking time.

You need to fall back on professional behavior and leave your heart and your feelings at home.

There is nothing we can say to make him be who you need for him to be. That has to come from him and him alone--of his own volition, not out of some manipulation tactics.

This is why it's a bad idea to poop where you eat.

Edited August 26, 2020 by kendahke

[Wiseman2]

Try to distance yourself. Keep your social and dating life Outside of work. He seems emotionally constipated or just casual. Ignore him. Dating should hurt or feel like pulling teeth.

[smackie9]

Sure he liked you...but enough to just have sex. That's all he was interested in...having sex with you. So sorry you have been building up this fantasy that this guy wanted it all....he doesn't. He was attracted to you yes, and worked at getting things to the next level. But there was no dating, or flowers, or doors being open for you, or asking all about you, etc...no it was chit chat, then boom boom out go the lights.  a hook up. Know the difference of a man's intentions.

Edited August 26, 2020 by smackie9

[ExpatInItaly]

56 minutes ago, hello259 said:

ANd please don't say he has used me.. because I know he likes me.. i mean yeah we did hook up casually, but still the behavior hurts.. is very strange, not like a normal guy who would continue to make plans, talk, meet..  Please suggest what would you do?

I think he was telling you what you wanted hear so that he could get you in bed, OP. 

And you're right, a guy who likes you - genuinely likes you - would not behave this way. Gently and with respect, what does that tell you about his true motives? He isn't interested in dating. He was interested in sex. 

And now that it's happened and you two still have to work together, it's all kinds of awkward. Unfortunately, he didn't go into this with the same intentions you did. You have to get better at recognizing a player when you see one, so you can better protect your heart. You fell for a guy who was wrong from the very start. 

[hello259]

10 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Sure he liked you...but enough to just have sex. That's all he was interested in...having sex with you. So sorry you have been building up this fantasy that this guy wanted it all....he doesn't. He was attracted to you yes, and worked at getting things to the next level. But there was no dating, or flowers, or doors being open for you, or asking all about you, etc...no it was chit chat, then boom boom out go the lights.  a hook up. Know the difference of a man's intentions.

Okay fine.. it was a hookup for him, but it’s not like i expected too much from him anyway, seeing his behavior from the start.. but he does have feelings.. I can’t imagine him not liking me, not at all to sound boastful but I’m always very sweet to him, never show anger/reactions.. Anyway.. now how do i proceed is the question? 

[hello259]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think he was telling you what you wanted hear so that he could get you in bed, OP. 

And you're right, a guy who likes you - genuinely likes you - would not behave this way. Gently and with respect, what does that tell you about his true motives? He isn't interested in dating. He was interested in sex. 

 

Okay fine.. it was a hookup for him, but it’s not like i expected too much from him anyway, seeing his behavior .. And even if its hookup, don’t people message each other after hooking up, to casually talk?? If they are friends they can talk right? Ask how the person is, like cmon just casual talk?? IT HURTS SOO BAD.. now how do i proceed from this is the question? 

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, hello259 said:

Okay fine.. it was a hookup for him, but it’s not like i expected too much from him anyway, seeing his behavior .. And even if its hookup, don’t people message each other after hooking up, to casually talk?? If they are friends they can talk right? Ask how the person is, like cmon just casual talk?? IT HURTS SOO BAD.. now how do i proceed from this is the question? 

Yes some hookups do call to make sure the girl got home okay.  Of course this guy LIKES you especially if you're ALWAYS sweet to him.  He knows perfectly well you like the hell out of him and that is why he felt you were an easy hookup.  Now he's back at work and giving you the cold shoulder so you will back way off of him and not expect more.  I'm sure it's very hurtful what he is doing but you can't NICE someone into wanting or loving you.  They've got to want you and this guy is showing you he doesn't.

[Mystery4u]

So he made no effort whatsoever to get to know you, and you rewarded him by giving him access to your body? Ok...

I'm not sure where you get the idea he is SO interested in you. He is not. All he is interested in is having sex with you. His actions show that.

Please have some self respect and don't meet him or even contact him again outside of work.

[hello259]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes some hookups do call to make sure the girl got home okay.  Of course this guy LIKES you especially if you're ALWAYS sweet to him.  He knows perfectly well you like the hell out of him and that is why he felt you were an easy hookup.  Now he's back at work and giving you the cold shoulder so you will back way off of him and not expect more.  I'm sure it's very hurtful what he is doing but you can't NICE someone into wanting or loving you.  They've got to want you and this guy is showing you he doesn't.

No, I meant if both are friends, they still continue to talk, chat on a regular basis casually don’t they? We are friends, not just hookup, so I don’t understand this behavior.. and i don’t know if I should just ghost him even if he ever reaches out again? 

[hello259]

9 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

So he made no effort whatsoever to get to know you, and you rewarded him by giving him access to your body? Ok...

I'm not sure where you get the idea he is SO interested in you. He is not. All he is interested in is having sex with you. His actions show that.

Please have some self respect and don't meet him or even contact him again outside of work.

It’s okay., it was a hookup for me too, and even if he were not so interested, is it so much to expect he would continue to message me casually, talk.. ask how I am? how day is going etc? Ok fine no date, but at least talk? considering we are friends too? Horrible isn’t it? 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, hello259 said:

It’s okay., it was a hookup for me too, and even if he were not so interested, is it so much to expect he would continue to message me casually, talk.. ask how I am? how day is going etc? Ok fine no date, but at least talk? considering we are friends too? Horrible isn’t it? 

Did you want more of a fwb or dating situation? It seems he lacks some social skills and that may make this frustrating for you. Try to hang out with friendlier more approachable people.

[kismetkismet]

You're saying that you know he likes you, but all of his behaviour says otherwise. Maybe he's attracted to you sure, but that's not the same thing as wanting a relationship with you (either serious or casual). He likely stopped texting you after sex to create some distance between you two and send the message that he doesn't want to get any closer. It's definitely a d**k move, but he kinda sounds like a d**k. 

I'd stop talking to the guy and move on. 

[JRabbit]

1 hour ago, hello259 said:

Okay fine.. it was a hookup for him, but it’s not like i expected too much from him anyway, seeing his behavior from the start.. but he does have feelings.. I can’t imagine him not liking me, not at all to sound boastful but I’m always very sweet to him, never show anger/reactions.. Anyway.. now how do i proceed is the question? 

Sorry but you are wrong. If he was into you, you wouldn't be here on this forum looking for advice.
Nothing you have posted suggests he is into you.

Sorry to be harsh but you're a bit delusional. Just because you are nice and sweet to him doesn't mean he will like you. But it does mean you are a good target for meaningless sex.

[hello259]

8 minutes ago, kismetkismet said:

You're saying that you know he likes you, but all of his behaviour says otherwise. Maybe he's attracted to you sure, but that's not the same thing as wanting a relationship with you (either serious or casual). He likely stopped texting you after sex to create some distance between you two and send the message that he doesn't want to get any closer. It's definitely a d**k move, but he kinda sounds like a d**k. 

I'd stop talking to the guy and move on. 

but even after that, he did ping me a couple times ( not normal ping, just to comment on a status that i’d posted) and convo led to him asking when are we meeting ? I said tomorrow or day after.. after that, nothing... he should plan it right?? esp, after i told him?? 

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, hello259 said:

but he does have feelings..

he did ping me a couple times ( not normal ping, just to comment on a status that i’d posted) and convo led to him asking when are we meeting ? I said tomorrow or day after.. after that, nothing... he should plan it right?? esp, after i told him?? 

what is his BEHAVIOR saying, though?  He can feel all he wants til times get better, but they aren't enough to push him past whatever is blocking him to where he is making enough of an effort to where you're not confused about how he's acting.

He may like you as a work colleague, but his BEHAVIOR is saying that that doesn't extend to romantic feeling for you. 

It is what it is.  Time to stop investing in the fantasies.

He's not going to plan anything with you because he's not checking for you like that.  If he was, he'd come with a plan of action, not puffing your skirt up with hot air.

and he was asking when are you available for sex... not for investing any of his heart into you.

Edited August 26, 2020 by kendahke

[hello259]

1 minute ago, kendahke said:

what is his BEHAVIOR saying, though?  He can feel all he wants til times get better, but they aren't enough to push him past whatever is blocking him to where he is making enough of an effort to where you're not confused about how he's acting.

He may like you as a work colleague, but his BEHAVIOR is saying that that doesn't extend to romantic feeling for you. 

It is what it is.  Time to stop investing in the fantasies.

Ok .. Fine.. although i don’t expect much from him, i know him from a year now with history and memories.. so It’s heartbreaking for me.. I step into office, he’ll be there.. I’m reminded... And we do get along so well when together.. i really enjoy my time with him, and now should i completely let it all go?

[kismetkismet]

2 minutes ago, hello259 said:

but even after that, he did ping me a couple times ( not normal ping, just to comment on a status that i’d posted) and convo led to him asking when are we meeting ? I said tomorrow or day after.. after that, nothing... he should plan it right?? esp, after i told him?? 

Yes, if he wanted to date you then he would contact you directly and ask you on a proper date and follow through on it. He's showing you that he isn't serious, but wants to keep you on the line so that he can hang out with you when the mood strikes. 

[kismetkismet]

1 minute ago, hello259 said:

Ok .. Fine.. although i don’t expect much from him, i know him from a year now with history and memories.. so It’s heartbreaking for me.. I step into office, he’ll be there.. I’m reminded... And we do get along so well when together.. i really enjoy my time with him, and now should i completely let it all go?

Yes. The best way to move on from this is to cut all non-professional contact with him. Stop letting him string you along. 

[JRabbit]

2 minutes ago, hello259 said:

Ok .. Fine.. although i don’t expect much from him, i know him from a year now with history and memories.. so It’s heartbreaking for me.. I step into office, he’ll be there.. I’m reminded... Now how do i get over this? 

ok but you said he hardly talked to you the entire time you worked together? Just messaged you asking when to hook up? It seems like he solely messaged you about that.  The writing is on the wall.  Time to go no contact as much as you can at work.

I would also suggest looking into why you are so attached and attracted to a man who has literally given you nothing in return. Ignored you, even while sitting beside him at work for months.  You deserve better girl.

[stillafool]

47 minutes ago, hello259 said:

No, I meant if both are friends, they still continue to talk, chat on a regular basis casually don’t they? We are friends, not just hookup, so I don’t understand this behavior.. and i don’t know if I should just ghost him even if he ever reaches out again? 

Yes but he knows you want more than a casual friendship and his coldness towards you is he way of keeping you at arm's length.  Do you really only want to be his friend?  That would mean listening to stories about his other women and eventually meeting them because of course this is what "friends" do.

[kendahke]

3 minutes ago, hello259 said:

And we do get along so well when together.. i really enjoy my time with him, and now should i completely let it all go?

Yes. You have no choice.  You can't force him to want you or like you the way you want him to like you.

All he has for you right now is professional courtesy.

This is why you shouldn't poop where you eat: Never ever date men you work with because of this very reason.  You now have to look at him every day and swallow your embarrassment on a daily basis.

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, hello259 said:

Ok .. Fine.. although i don’t expect much from him, i know him from a year now with history and memories.. so It’s heartbreaking for me.

What history and memories?  You guys haven't even dated.

[Lotsgoingon]

  

2 hours ago, hello259 said:

I know he does like me... however, since the beginning, he never spoke properly or consistently with me.. He asked my number but since July 2019 until now, not once has he spoken on the phone with me.. only chat or in person at the office.. moreover, i have only met him about 6 times in this past year, because the guy doesn't take much initiative to meet ... 

I'm sorry but your pain here is a totally-inflicted wound. Look at the above. Game over. Leave him alone. 

Why did you ignore a year of this guy being distant and cold and unpredictable and apparently throw all realistic thinking out the window because you have some sense that he "likes" you.

It doesn't matter how much someone "likes" you if that person's behavior isn't the behavior of someone who likes you! ... Maybe you mean he is attracted to you. I can buy that--this guy has been attracted to you, but so what? I've had nutty maddening people be attracted to me. You stay away from them.

He called you out of the blue, asked for a booty call, and you said yes. And then you are shocked ... shocked that he didn't march to the jewelry store to buy you a ring. Instead, he did the obvious: he returned to his previous behavior.

This is not a close call. The problem isn't him--the problem is you. Anyone who is hot and cold for a year--STAY AWAY from them. Don't get intimate with them. People don't magically go from cold or hot and cold ... to consistently loving and warm ... that does NOT happen in real life. Doesn't even really happen in the movies. 

Learn from this--your whole thinking about attraction and dating and connecting with people is deeply flawed.  Update your dating software and wisdom. I'l spell it out again: How people have treated you in the past, how people have acted in the past, is 99 percent of the time how they will treat you in the future. 

Set some standards ... and start with Standard #1: he treats me well. 

 

 

 

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, hello259 said:

 however, since the beginning,

he never spoke properly or consistently with me..

He asked my number

since July 2019 until now, not once has he spoken on the phone with me..
 

Quote

only chat or in person at the office..

moreover, i have only met him about 6 times in this past year,

because the guy doesn't take much initiative to meet..

 

14 minutes ago, hello259 said:

although i don’t expect much from him, i know him from a year now with history and memories.

?????????

Going by what you wrote, he hasn't even been trying

all of this is in your head...