Depressed and in an obsessive loop about this person

[hello259]

14 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

  

I'm sorry but your pain here is a totally-inflicted wound. Look at the above. Game over. Leave him alone. 

Why did you ignore a year of this guy being distant and cold and unpredictable and apparently throw all realistic thinking out the window because you have some sense that he "likes" you.

He called you out of the blue, asked for a booty call, and you said yes. And then you are shocked ... shocked that he didn't march to the jewelry store to buy you a ring. Instead, he did the obvious: he returned to his previous behavior.

This is not a close call. The problem isn't him--the problem is you. Anyone who is hot and cold for a year--STAY AWAY from them.

 

No, i wasn’t expecting a ring or too much from him.. As i said , he calls me a ‘friend’, so i thought at least he would keep constant communication/texting with me, though he NEVER talks on phone.. I thought we would share things like friends and be close ..Thats all, is that unreasonable of me to expect? 😔 Please tell me? it is bad on his part, right? 

U r right about the hot & cold, I should know this is going to be painful.. now what about our texting, should I just ghost him from here on?

[kendahke]

2 minutes ago, hello259 said:

Please tell me? it is bad on his part, right? 

why are you so intent upon finding wrong with him when he's really done nothing wrong--certainly nothing you didn't allow of your own free will...

[hello259]

3 minutes ago, kendahke said:

why are you so intent upon finding wrong with him when he's really done nothing wrong--certainly nothing you didn't allow of your own free will...

I mean, he’s a horrible friend for the way he is behaving.. horrible behavior.. his hot & cold & distant behavior..How can he not do anything wrong? His behavior & attitude has brought distress to someone.. 

[hello259]

18 minutes ago, hello259 said:

I mean would you be OK if a guy acted this way with you and think he’s not in the wrong and that he’s all good and right? 

18 minutes ago, hello259 said:

I mean, he’s a horrible friend for the way he is behaving.. horrible behavior.. his hot & cold & distant behavior..How can he not do anything wrong? His behavior & attitude has brought distress to someone.. 

 

 

[kendahke]

22 minutes ago, hello259 said:

.How can he not do anything wrong? His behavior & attitude has brought distress to someone.. 

When people do the hot and cold treatment for 365 days, they're telling you through that BEHAVIOR that they aren't checking for you that hard...

you've had a year of him not taking any initiative, which tells me that any interaction you two did have outside of the office was because you made it happen, not that he arsed himself to do anything. Him staring at you at work means nothing--he was probably having a moment where he was calculating how much time he had to get to the loo before he had an explosive experience from last night's curry take away and you just happened to be in his line of sight.

You brought this distress upon yourself by investing in a fantasy of who you wanted this guy to be and not who he really was.  You didn't want to see that. You wanted to see what you wanted to see and that has bitten your backside hard.

His behavior all year has told you what he was about---you ignored that... and that's on you, not him.

[JRabbit]

26 minutes ago, hello259 said:

I mean, he’s a horrible friend for the way he is behaving.. horrible behavior.. his hot & cold & distant behavior..How can he not do anything wrong? His behavior & attitude has brought distress to someone.. 

The distress you feel is due to yourself ignoring his actions, and imagining scenarios where he is into you, which don't in fact exist.

Sex is a 2 way street, you agreed to it thinking it would make him like you. He used you, but he didn't force anything. You didn't discuss dating or being exclusive first.

Maybe he is a jerk, but no one forced you to sleep with him. You did that and caught feelings on your own.

You will have to learn to not accept such low effort from men in the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, hello259 said:

I mean, he’s a horrible friend for the way he is behaving.. horrible behavior.. his hot & cold & distant behavior..How can he not do anything wrong? His behavior & attitude has brought distress to someone.. 

That’s just it, though - he isn’t your friend, and he isn’t trying to be. He never was. 

He probably  doesn’t even know you’re this distressed and depressed about it.

I’m sorry, as I know it stings to realize he isn’t into he way you are into him. But let be a lesson for yourself: don’t get emotionally attached to a guy who has never shown genuine interest in you, and definitely don’t go to bed with him. Don’t assume that being sweet and having sex with a guy who barely gives you the time of day otherwise means you will now be closer. 

Being friends is unrealistic. Do you really want to be friendly? Because that would also likely mean you hear about other women he goes out with and sleeps with. Does that sound like a good time for you? 

I don’t mean to be unkind, but do you have much dating experience? You seem to have really misunderstood the cues here. 

[kendahke]

8 minutes ago, hello259 said:

I mean would you be OK if a guy acted this way with you and think he’s not in the wrong and that he’s all good and right?

1. I don't date men I work with. That solves that problem right off the bat.

2. I wouldn't have frittered away a year of my youth behind someone acting like this...

3. I wouldn't have invested in a fantasy about some knucklehead gawking at me from across the office

So no, I don't think he's wrong. I think you need him to be wrong so you have someplace to hang your responsibility to yourself which you abandoned last July.

[hello259]

3 minutes ago, kendahke said:

 

You brought this distress upon yourself by investing in a fantasy of who you wanted this guy to be and not who he really was.  You didn't want to see that. You wanted to see what you wanted to see and that has bitten your backside hard.

 

Okay well I am ready to see it now.. I just want this depressive mood & pain to go away.. how do I proceed is all i want to know? How do i handle his random pings going forward? I can’t even just talk to him as a friend huh? ( nevermind, he doesn’t talk on chat much anyway)... 

[hello259]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That’s just it, though - he isn’t your friend, and he isn’t trying to be. He never was. 

I’m sorry, as I know it stings to realize he isn’t into he way you are into him. But let be a lesson for yourself: don’t get emotionally attached to a guy who has never shown genuine interest in you, and definitely don’t go to bed with him. Don’t assume that being sweet and having sex with a guy who barely gives you the time of day otherwise means you will now be closer. 

Being friends is unrealistic. Do you really want to be friendly? Because that would also likely mean you hear about other women he goes out with and sleeps with. Does that sound like a good time for you? 

 

Okay well I am ready to see it now.. I just want this depressive mood & pain to go away.. You are right maybe he’s not aware i’m distressed but then again, why would i tell him & show emotion when he NEVER made it comfortable for us to talk openly? and this is supposed to be casual i know, but i do feel bad at the inconsistent behavior.

ANYWAY,

how do I proceed is all i want to know? How do i handle his random pings going forward? I can’t even just talk to him as a friend huh? ( nevermind, he doesn’t talk on chat much anyway)... 

[introverted1]

33 minutes ago, hello259 said:

I mean, he’s a horrible friend for the way he is behaving.. horrible behavior.. his hot & cold & distant behavior..How can he not do anything wrong? His behavior & attitude has brought distress to someone.. 

No, he's not horrible.

He's at best a casual acquaintance who maintained sporadic contact with you for a year, and then accepted your offer of NSA sex. For whatever reason, he doesn't want more sex from you, and, since there was never a true friendship, he doesn't have that to live up to, either.

Your best course of action is to chalk this up as a mistake, try to understand why you were willing to sleep with a guy who was so clearly not invested in you, and move on. Basically, live and learn.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, hello259 said:

I just want this depressive mood & pain to go away.. 

The best thing you can do is see your doctor for that. An office situation with a cold guy will make it worse, not better.

[kendahke]

11 minutes ago, hello259 said:

how do I proceed is all i want to know? How do i handle his random pings going forward? I can’t even just talk to him as a friend huh? ( nevermind, he doesn’t talk on chat much anyway)... 

No.  You can't be friends right now because you want more than that and he can't even meet this mark. 

Your task now is to create as much emotional distance as you can and remain professional in your office.

As far as random pings going forward, you let them ping and have their moment and then you get on with things. The more you fight it, the stronger they become. 

It might be a good idea to find a therapist who will give you the tools you need to navigate this minefield so you don't blow off an emotional limb.

[stillafool]

If you find it too hard to get over him you may have to look for another job.  In the meantime, be polite but no smiling or goo-goo eyes at him, just keep it professional.  If he texts you asking if you want to meet (which will mean nothing more than sex), ask him what does he want from you, point blank and when he says "nothing" tell him to stop contacting you.

[endlessabyss]

6 hours ago, hello259 said:

Okay fine.. it was a hookup for him, but it’s not like i expected too much from him anyway, seeing his behavior from the start.. but he does have feelings.. I can’t imagine him not liking me, not at all to sound boastful but I’m always very sweet to him, never show anger/reactions.. Anyway.. now how do i proceed is the question? 

Yet in your OP you said you were hoping to finally get close with him after hooking up.

It's going to be a long painful road for you working right next to this guy for 40 hours a week lol.

Hopefully you keep yourself together,  because these feelings are only going to get more intense as he continues to mess with you.

He knows he's living in your mind.

 

 

Good luck.

Edited August 26, 2020 by endlessabyss

[poppyfields]

I have a bit of a different take on this.

No one knows how this guy truly feels OP, the only person who knows is him, and frankly HE may not even know. 

As for the responses here, things are never so black and white to say that when a man likes you, he will or should act “this” way or “that” way, people’s emotions don’t work that way.  

I don’t know how old he is, OR how experienced he is with dating or dealing with/managing his emotions, but it’s possible he likes you a lot but is simply too immature to deal or manage his feelings/emotions in a healthy way.

It’s like when I was in the fifth grade, there was a boy who REALLY liked me and had a huge crush on me (I found this out later), but because he was young and immature, he didn’t know how to handle or manage those feelings, he behaved in a very mean way towards me, or he would ignore me. 

But mostly I remember him being very mean to me.  Like he would go out of his way to be mean to me!  

That’s who your guy reminds me of.  Even though your guy is older, he still sounds like a very young, immature man who has no clue how to manage his feelings.   He may even be mad at you in a way, for causing him to have these feelings.  All due to his immaturity.

I do think it's possible he likes you, a lot, more than he wants to like you.

But he may be afraid of those feelings, or again simply too immature to handle his feelings in a healthy way.

OR it’s possible he only wanted sex, but given everything you have posted, I don’t think so, I could be wrong.

In any event, there is nothing you can do about this either way.  He is either too young and immature to manage his feelings for you in a healthy way, or he was only out for sex.

Both scenarios don’t play out well for you, and my advice is scale back your expectations of him and simply be friends.

 

 

[hello259]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

No, he's not horrible.

He's at best a casual acquaintance who maintained sporadic contact with you for a year, and then accepted your offer of NSA sex. For whatever reason, he doesn't want more sex from you, and, since there was never a true friendship, he doesn't have that to live up to, either.

Your best course of action is to chalk this up as a mistake, try to understand why you were willing to sleep with a guy who was so clearly not invested in you, and move on. Basically, live and learn.

He’s the one that always initiates, if any.. he mentioned Sex not me,. yea i went along with it, because I’m ok with FWB and casual.. you are getting me wrong thinking i want his committment or him as a BF.. its ok if he aint my BF, but i would have liked it if he maintained good friendship with me AND KEPT REGULAR CONTACT WITH ME, as even just AQUAINTANCES.. because we get along good.. and it hurts that he has ‘t been consistent.. AGAIN, I don’t want anything more than casual, but even casual people talk as friends, c’mon

[hello259]

56 minutes ago, endlessabyss said:

Yet in your OP you said you were hoping to finally get close with him after hooking up.

 

 

 

Get close as in ... A FRIEND OR EVEN JUST AQUAINTANCE.. 

I’m ok with FWB and casual.. i like spending time with him.. you are getting me wrong thinking i want his committment or him as a BF.. its ok if he aint my BF, but i would have liked it if he maintained good friendship with me AND KEPT REGULAR CONTACT WITH ME, as even just AQUAINTANCES.. because we get along good.. and it hurts that he has ‘t been consistent.. AGAIN, I don’t want anything more than casual, but even casual people talk as friends, c’mon

[hello259]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I have a bit of a different take on this.

No one knows how this guy truly feels OP, the only person who knows is him, and frankly HE may not even know. 

As for the responses here, things are never so black and white to say that when a man likes you, he will or should act “this” way or “that” way, people’s emotions don’t work that way.  

I don’t know how old he is, OR how experienced he is with dating or dealing with/managing his emotions, but it’s possible he likes you a lot but is simply too immature to deal or manage his feelings/emotions in a healthy way.

It’s like when I was in the fifth grade, there was a boy who REALLY liked me and had a huge crush on me (I found this out later), but because he was young and immature, he didn’t know how to handle or manage those feelings, he behaved in a very mean way towards me, or he would ignore me. 

But mostly I remember him being very mean to me.  Like he would go out of his way to be mean to me!  

That’s who your guy reminds me of.  Even though your guy is older, he still sounds like a very young, immature man who has no clue how to manage his feelings.   He may even be mad at you in a way, for causing him to have these feelings.  All due to his immaturity.

I do think it's possible he likes you, a lot, more than he wants to like you.

But he may be afraid of those feelings, or again simply too immature to handle his feelings in a healthy way.

OR it’s possible he only wanted sex, but given everything you have posted, I don’t think so, I could be wrong.

In any event, there is nothing you can do about this either way.  He is either too young and immature to manage his feelings for you in a healthy way, or he was only out for sex.

Both scenarios don’t play out well for you, and my advice is scale back your expectations of him and simply be friends.

 

 

WOWWWW AMAZING REPLY.. thank you! Whether it be true or no, you have really looked at this in a different perspective.. u are right though, he is a bit emotionally immature... but whatever it is, even if i be friends, the behavior is hurting me.. I’ve already lowered my expectations but i’m thinking to just let him go & ignore.. If he liked me so much, how does he stay days, a week without talking? asking how my day was? What do you say? I can’t deal... 

[hello259]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

No.  You can't be friends right now because you want more than that and he can't even meet this mark. 

Your task now is to create as much emotional distance as you can and remain professional in your office.

As far as random pings going forward, you let them ping and have their moment and then you get on with things. The more you fight it, the stronger they become. 

 

I’m ok with FWB and casual.. you are getting me wrong thinking i want his committment or him as a BF.. its ok if he aint my BF, but i would have liked it if he maintained good friendship with me AND KEPT REGULAR CONTACT WITH ME, as even just AQUAINTANCES and it hurts that he hasn ‘t been consistent.. AGAIN, I don’t want anything more than casual, but even casual people talk as friends, c’mon..

So what did you mean regarding the pings- should i ignore them & cut him off or just be casual? 

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, hello259 said:

If he liked me so much, how does he stay days, a week without talking? asking how my day was? What do you say? I can’t deal... 

Like I said, immaturity.  He's a boy in a man's body. 

He is incapable of managing his feelings/emotions so he avoids dealing with them by avoiding you.

To me, it's obvious.  I mean even assuming he wanted only FWB, he would still talk to you, you're friends for heaven's sake! 

His behaviour is clearly avoidant, and immature. 

Again, there is nothing you can do, he is much too emotionally immature to have anything even remotely resembling a RL.

Heck, he's so immature and afraid of his own feelings he can't even do FWB or even talk to you!

Guy is afraid of his own shadow, lol, please OP, try and forget about him.

I'm sorry. 

$.02

 

 

 

Edited August 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

Here's the thing: life sends all kinds of unfit and dangerous people across our paths. We can blame them for not being good and kind and all of that ... objectively true, but beside the point. 

The point here is you volunteered for this mistreatment. There was no one signal from him indicating he wanted to communicate regularly with you. Not one. Desire for sex is NOT such a signal. 

You collaborated and played a role in your own hurt. Look, there are tricky characters to read ... peopel who are extremely warm ... until you start dating or sex. Those folks are harder to pull away from because they did treat the person consistently nice for a while. 

This is NOT that situation.  On a scale of 1 to 10 of how hard was it to figure out that this guy was not reliable, did not want friendship intimacy (how can you sit next to someone and not talk to them?--that's ridiculous on its face) ... this guy scores a 1 or 2. In other words, it was super easy to read that there was something wrong with him. I've never sat next someone for a year who was hot and cold and then assumed I could any kind of safe relationship with them. He wasn't even a good acquaintance. 

The more you face up to your blindness, the more you can update your dating skill and avoid people like this in the future. 

[hello259]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Like I said, immaturity.  He's a boy in a man's body. 

He is incapable of managing his feelings/emotions so he avoids dealing with them by avoiding you.

To me, it's obvious.  I mean even assuming he wanted only FWB, he would still talk to you, you're friends for heaven's sake! 

His behaviour is clearly avoidant, and immature. 

Again, there is nothing you can do, he is much too emotionally immature to have anything even remotely resembling a RL.

Heck, he's so immature and afraid of his own feelings he can't even do FWB or even talk to you!

Guy is afraid of his own shadow, lol, please OP, try and forget about him.

I'm sorry. 

$.02

 

 

 

don’t be sorry.. thanks for your thoughtful response I appreciate you looking at it in this perspective.. so another mature guy, would definitely not act this way, right? Heck, if it were another guy, we might be having awesome fun & closeness by now.. 

[BettyDraper]

6 hours ago, hello259 said:

No, I meant if both are friends, they still continue to talk, chat on a regular basis casually don’t they? We are friends, not just hookup, so I don’t understand this behavior.. and i don’t know if I should just ghost him even if he ever reaches out again? 

He may have behaved in a friendly manner to get you into bed. 

Oh sweetie...he isn't going to reach out to you again. I say this with all of the love in the world-you have to stop pining for him and hoping for more. 

He is showing you that he isn't interested in any type of relationship-not even a friendship. 

I sympathize with your pain but chalk this up to a learning experience. 

[introverted1]

13 hours ago, hello259 said:

He’s the one that always initiates, if any.. he mentioned Sex not me,. yea i went along with it, because I’m ok with FWB and casual.. you are getting me wrong thinking i want his committment or him as a BF.. its ok if he aint my BF, but i would have liked it if he maintained good friendship with me AND KEPT REGULAR CONTACT WITH ME, as even just AQUAINTANCES.. because we get along good.. and it hurts that he has ‘t been consistent.. AGAIN, I don’t want anything more than casual, but even casual people talk as friends, c’mon

Ugh, you are missing the point.

You can't/don't know what he is thinking or feeling.

You can't control how he acts.

All you can control is YOU.  So the decision is yours:  do you want to continue to engage with a guy who can't commit to a basic friendship, let alone a FWB?  There is nothing you can do that is going to change him, you can't wave a magic wand and resolve whatever it is that is preventing him from being the friend or bf you want him to be, so you need to make a decision FOR YOU. Figure out what will bring you peace in this situation (and be sure that it's something in your control) and then do it.