Depressed and in an obsessive loop about this person

[hello259]

5 minutes ago, StoryOfMyLifeYes said:

You'll be fine. It will suck really hard initially, but you'll find yourself in quite a different place two weeks down the line already. The fact you're feeling empty without contact is just testament to how overly important you have made this person in your life. This is what you want to get away from, remember? Initially you will feel empty then, but seeing as you will be doing NC sooner or later you'll just have to occupy your mind with something else.

Do you have a place where I can talk to you through personal DM instead of back and forth here?

[ExpatInItaly]

Wishing this guy a Happy Birthday will do nothing but remind him you're still lurking around for the moments when his wife isn't looking. 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

You must have very low self-esteem to keep going back to a guy who treats you so poorly. I'd move on from this guy forever. I never would have gotten this far with someone like him. I would have deleted and blocked him the first time he was flaky.

Low self-esteem is a tough issue that can take years of personal development work to improve. Have you talked to a counselor?

[Lotsgoingon]

On 3/12/2021 at 4:02 AM, hello259 said:

Hello,

But then I saw that he is very inconsistent with me.. I am not sure why but he was very hot and cold, would not text me for weeks, would not talk to me for months.. very randomly would say "lets meet" and it would just be like a hookup in his car.. or we would get a room.. but in these 2 years, you won't believe we have met only a handful of times and only got intimate a few times.. in 2 years.. all because he would not be consistent, talk with me, ask me to meet.

Stop right here. You should have stopped in real time.

This behavior is what you would call a LOUD, EMPHATIC, SCREAMING, SHOUTING, "No!" He is not interested in you. Leave him alone.  You were casual sex to him--that's it. I'm not sure why two years later, you're confused. 

Come out of denial here. Move on with your life. You will KNOW when someone likes you. You won't have to ask. 

 

[hello259]

Ok. I understand. But don’t I have a right to be resentful? He’s a s*** of a character, which is why it’s not worth moving forward right? Now how do i handle this resentment and injustice? He needs to feel bad. But I guess whatever action i do- whether its post insulting memes, or completely ignore on his birthday, will not affect him ? Shouldn’t i have a right to feel resent? i am feeling so panicked from this situation about giving this whole thing up.. some reason extreme panic :(((

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Stop right here. You should have stopped in real time.

This behavior is what you would call a LOUD, EMPHATIC, SCREAMING, SHOUTING, "No!" He is not interested in you. Leave him alone.  You were casual sex to him--that's it. I'm not sure why two years later, you're confused. 

Come out of denial here. Move on with your life. You will KNOW when someone likes you. You won't have to ask. 

 

 

[Minneloa]

20 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wishing this guy a Happy Birthday will do nothing but remind him you're still lurking around for the moments when his wife isn't looking. 

 

Wait, is this guy married, OP?

[hello259]

1 hour ago, Minneloa said:

Wait, is this guy married, OP?

No not married. No GF too

[ExpatInItaly]

39 minutes ago, hello259 said:

No not married. No GF too

I would bet dollars to donuts he's got a partner of some type.

1 hour ago, hello259 said:

He needs to feel bad

As for this? I am going to be very blunt, though it's not my intention to be unkind: he doesn't care enough about you to feel pain over you. 

This isn't injustice, etiher. He hasn't made you any promises, as far as I can tell; his behaviour has made it abundantly clear he isn't interested in dating you. Yet you keep volunteering for this. He isn't forcing you to continue, so you can't exactly stomp your feet about how unfair this is. It isn't. You just keep making poor decisions about him. You need to take some personal accountability here and not just blame him. 

You're as much a part of the problem as he is, in terms of perpetuating your own unhappiness. 

[hello259]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would bet dollars to donuts he's got a partner of some type.

As for this? I am going to be very blunt, though it's not my intention to be unkind: he doesn't care enough about you to feel pain over you. 

This isn't injustice, etiher. He hasn't made you any promises, as far as I can tell; his behaviour has made it abundantly clear he isn't interested in dating you. Yet you keep volunteering for this. He isn't forcing you to continue, so you can't exactly stomp your feet about how unfair this is. It isn't. You just keep making poor decisions about him. You need to take some personal accountability here and not just blame him. 

You're as much a part of the problem as he is, in terms of perpetuating your own unhappiness. 

Hmm, yes he is not forcing, but he did involve in the beginning, then why do that if no interest & then show hot & cold & inconsistent. That is bad right. So it shouldn’t matter whether I continue to be nice or rude & continue to ignore his one word responses “nice, haha” to my statuses.. Even if i were nice, wished happy birthday etc, he wouldn’t appreciate it, so why not just be careless & heartless? 

[Lotsgoingon]

2 hours ago, hello259 said:

Ok. I understand. But don’t I have a right to be resentful? He’s a s*** of a character, which is why it’s not worth moving forward right? Now how do i handle this resentment and injustice? He needs to feel bad. But I guess whatever action i do- whether its post insulting memes, or completely ignore on his birthday, will not affect him ? Shouldn’t i have a right to feel resent? i am feeling so panicked from this situation about giving this whole thing up.. some reason extreme panic :(((

No, you don't have a right to be resentful. Unless you think we have a right to be mad at the sun for not showing up on a particular day.

You are responsible for checking on the reliability and trustworthiness of people you share your body and intimate space with. Had he pulled a gun on you or assaulted you, of course, you would be mad and have the right to be furious.

You volunteered for him to treat you as he did. He never was kind to you, right? So that's his way of telling you what he wanted and how he acted. It is your job to pull away. Look, I know this can sound strange. But just as we get close friends by responding to how they treat us, we can't become close friends with people who treat us like dirt. We screen friends for trustworthiness. Well, you have to triple screen lovers. You don't share your intimate space with a person without first seeing if they are reliable and kind. 

The question is: why didn't you screen this person? Why did you give your heart to someone who CLEARLY, LOUDLY, OBNOVIOUSLY, showed he wouldn't handle your heart with care. 

The process goes like this, with friend or lover.

We share a little. We wait. See if they match our share. 

We feel comfortable that they matched us and thus affirmed us, we share more. 

And we wait. To see if they will share. 

This goals from everything from I loan you $5. Then I see if you pay me back or loan me $5 when I need it. 

If you don't offer to pay back the $5 even when I mention it, I stop. I know I don't want to give you any more loans. I may even limit our friendship at that point, right? Because I conclude you don't reciprocate. 

I don't voluntarily offer to loan someone $500 and assume they will pay me back. And if I did, when they didn't pay me back, I don't loan them more money. 

You essentially loaned someone $500 without first seeing if they could be trusted to repay $5.  You want to fix your people picker. 

 

[hello259]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

No, you don't have a right to be resentful. Unless you think we have a right to be mad at the sun for not showing up on a particular day.

You are responsible for checking on the reliability and trustworthiness of people you share your body and intimate space with. Had he pulled a gun on you or assaulted you, of course, you would be mad and have the right to be furious.

You volunteered for him to treat you as he did. He never was kind to you, right? So that's his way of telling you what he wanted and how he acted. It is your job to pull away. Look, I know this can sound strange. But just as we get close friends by responding to how they treat us, we can't become close friends with people who treat us like dirt. We screen friends for trustworthiness. Well, you have to triple screen lovers. You don't share your intimate space with a person without first seeing if they are reliable and kind. 

The question is: why didn't you screen this person? Why did you give your heart to someone who CLEARLY, LOUDLY, OBNOVIOUSLY, showed he wouldn't handle your heart with care. 

The process goes like this, with friend or lover.

We share a little. We wait. See if they match our share. 

We feel comfortable that they matched us and thus affirmed us, we share more. 

And we wait. To see if they will share. 

This goals from everything from I loan you $5. Then I see if you pay me back or loan me $5 when I need it. 

If you don't offer to pay back the $5 even when I mention it, I stop. I know I don't want to give you any more loans. I may even limit our friendship at that point, right? Because I conclude you don't reciprocate. 

I don't voluntarily offer to loan someone $500 and assume they will pay me back. And if I did, when they didn't pay me back, I don't loan them more money. 

You essentially loaned someone $500 without first seeing if they could be trusted to repay $5.  You want to fix your people picker. 

 

Yes agreed. I understand this. I know it sounds immature, but I tried talking to him once on fake account as another girl to see if he responds better, & he did talk much more than what he ever spoke with me..asking how’s your day, sharing things etc.. This really hurt me to the core, would it not hurt you? After indicating he likes me & blah blah.. so u can see why i have the resentment.. If i have been close with him, its his responsibility to be consistent.. forget romance, even as a friend.. sure he doesn’t owe me, but that’s what a GOOD friend will do..

So now , Im trying to get over this thought of “ I was so good to this person, i am a good catch.. and they were so scarce with me when this could have turned out to be a nice friendship” Not sure how to get this thought out of my system.. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, hello259 said:

 So it shouldn’t matter whether I continue to be nice or rude & continue to ignore his one word responses 

You're right, it doesn't matter. 

It isn't important to him. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

54 minutes ago, hello259 said:

 sure he doesn’t owe me, but that’s what a GOOD friend will do..

This is what you aren't getting - this man isn't your friend. 

 

[Miss Spider]

On 3/12/2021 at 12:33 PM, hello259 said:

Ok. I know this may sound immature and I am aware of that, but since I have resentment for him for all the hurt he put me through, I keep feeling like putting up insulting memes that indirectly target him.. he will see it definitely since he always looks at all my statuses.. in hopes that he sees those memes and quotes and gets disturbed... But on the other hand, I feel that if I wish happy birthday, I will look good in his eyes, like I am such a nice person.. and he will feel something for me... I guess not right? It won't matter to him if I do such a nice gesture?

Wow he sounds like a POS to me. I think it is a common mistake and that both men and women make about equating being nice with being attractive to someone. Seems like this idea  that if you give someone what they want all the time and are super nice, they will want to be fall for you but this isn’t the case. The person needs other things to feel that way, including respect, and some people will just not respect someone unless they operate in a way that warrants it and you have not. You need to walk away from this person to do that. Sorry you’re going through this. 

Edited March 13, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[hello259]

48 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Wow he sounds like a POS to me. I think it is a common mistake and that both men and women make about equating being nice with being attractive to someone. Seems like this idea  that if you give someone what they want all the time and are super nice, they will want to be fall for you but this isn’t the case. The person needs other things to feel that way, including respect, and some people will just not respect someone unless they operate in a way that warrants it and you have not. You need to walk away from this person to do that. Sorry you’re going through this. 

 POS - is that piece of Sh? And are you also saying, i should start seeming heartless & careless to him? something opposite of how i’ve been till now- nice & accepting... ? 

[basil67]

This isn't about "seeming" heartless and careless.  This is about being proactive in cutting him from your life.

In the meantime, you may want to consider why you think that being "nice and accepting" will make a man want you as a partner.   Honestly, most men will get bored with the type of woman who chooses to not stand up for herself.   Likewise, few woman want a man who's a like that either.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, hello259 said:

 POS - is that piece of Sh? And are you also saying, i should start seeming heartless & careless to him? 

You're focusing way too much on how you appear to him. 

You shouldn't "seem" anything. You should actually try to detach so you can move on. He's not going to become your boyfriend, no matter what kind of sweet birthday wishes or insulting memes you direct toward him. 

You're wasting your time thinking up ways to get him to like you. 

 

[spiderowl]

Hi Hello259,

I'm sorry to say that this guy does not care about you.  He probably does not care about anyone.  It sounds like he has the empathy of a pea!  In short, he is incapable of being what you want.

He is rude, inconsiderate, thoughtless and completely uninvolved.  The crucial thing is why are you putting up with this awful character?  For some reason, your self-esteem is so low that you cling to the idea this guy might love you somehow one day, if only you show him kindness and love.  He won't; he's a complete waste of time.

While it might seem kind to wish him Happy Birthday, I would not bother.  I get the feeling you want some reaction from him.  Believe me, you need to get this guy out of your life and not encourage him back in it.

If possible, could you go to counselling or therapy?  Could you afford to do this?  It seems to me you really need support and a complete change of perception of yourself.  You have such a down on yourself you are seeking affection from this unfeeling character.  In therapy you could find out what made you feel so bad about yourself that you feel you do not deserve better than this.  I am pretty sure you DO deserve better, much better.  You deserve a kind person who loves you.  You just need the confidence and opportunity to meet a better guy.

Please do not waste time on that guy; he is not worth the attention of someone as special and genuine as you.

[basil67]

@hello259 have you ever been in a relationship where you felt loved?

[hello259]

2 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Hi Hello259,

I'm sorry to say that this guy does not care about you.  He probably does not care about anyone.  It sounds like he has the empathy of a pea!  In short, he is incapable of being what you want.

He is rude, inconsiderate, thoughtless and completely uninvolved.  The crucial thing is why are you putting up with this awful character?  For some reason, your self-esteem is so low that you cling to the idea this guy might love you somehow one day, if only you show him kindness and love.  He won't; he's a complete waste of time.

While it might seem kind to wish him Happy Birthday, I would not bother.  I get the feeling you want some reaction from him.  Believe me, you need to get this guy out of your life and not encourage him back in it.

If possible, could you go to counselling or therapy?  Could you afford to do this?  It seems to me you really need support and a complete change of perception of yourself.  You have such a down on yourself you are seeking affection from this unfeeling character.  In therapy you could find out what made you feel so bad about yourself that you feel you do not deserve better than this.  I am pretty sure you DO deserve better, much better.  You deserve a kind person who loves you.  You just need the confidence and opportunity to meet a better guy.

Please do not waste time on that guy; he is not worth the attention of someone as special and genuine as you.

Thank you much for your thoughtful reply. I know i deserve better, it’s just that I some reason can’t shake the attraction I have for this guy.. I don’t know what it is.. but it’s the attraction I guess, which is why I ask, how can i make him look ‘ugly’ in my eyes.. his character and actions are certainly ugly, now why can’t that unattract me & I see him as ugly? And also can’t shake the fact that if im so ‘special & genuine’, how could he treat me this way

[BC1980]

The only way to get out of this cycle and find closure is to walk away and stop talking to him. You're not going to get closure by continuing to reach out to him. 

Edited March 14, 2021 by BC1980

[d0nnivain]

19 hours ago, hello259 said:

Now how do i handle this resentment and injustice? He needs to feel bad. 

You have to deal with it because it's not within your power to address the injustice.  Nothing you do will make him feel bad.  You have to let karma take care if it. 

Meanwhile you free yourself by no longer worrying about it.  You are trapped because you shut yourself into this prison of chasing after him.  When you stop obsessing over him you will be free. 

 

5 hours ago, hello259 said:

 how can i make him look ‘ugly’ in my eyes.. his character and actions are certainly ugly, now why can’t that unattract me & I see him as ugly? And also can’t shake the fact that if im so ‘special & genuine’, how could he treat me this way

This is where lists help. 

You make a list of all the ways he's rotten & uncaring.  Write it all down.   Then you read it over & add to it when you feel weak.  After you read it you ask yourself why I am still attracted to this awful person.  

2nd list is all the ways you are a good, kind person who deserves better.  Read that over at least once per day until you believe in yourself again.  Another bullet for the list of why he's no good is that he never appreciated all the good in you.  

[hello259]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You have to deal with it because it's not within your power to address the injustice.  Nothing you do will make him feel bad.  You have to let karma take care if it. 

Meanwhile you free yourself by no longer worrying about it.  You are trapped because you shut yourself into this prison of chasing after him.  When you stop obsessing over him you will be free. 

 

This is where lists help. 

You make a list of all the ways he's rotten & uncaring.  Write it all down.   Then you read it over & add to it when you feel weak.  After you read it you ask yourself why I am still attracted to this awful person.  

2nd list is all the ways you are a good, kind person who deserves better.  Read that over at least once per day until you believe in yourself again.  Another bullet for the list of why he's no good is that he never appreciated all the good in you.  

I could do that. I just feel bad, that this whole thing got ruined this way and has to end.. It could have turned into a great beautiful connection had he been normally talking to me & stayed consistent & connected.. This is what I can’t get past 

[d0nnivain]

You said it yourself.  For this to work HE has to change.  You can't change him.  He has to want to change & he doesn't.  He wants to be just who he is.  Who he is is somebody you need to stay away from.  So there you have it.  You have to change yourself by walking away from him.  

[BC1980]

13 minutes ago, hello259 said:

I could do that. I just feel bad, that this whole thing got ruined this way and has to end.. It could have turned into a great beautiful connection had he been normally talking to me & stayed consistent & connected.. This is what I can’t get past 

You have to let go of what you think could have been. There are always going to be "what ifs" in life. In this instance, you move on by knowing that you did what you could, and you can't control him.