Depressed and in an obsessive loop about this person

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

Oh sweetie...he isn't going to reach out to you again. I say this with all of the love in the world-you have to stop pining for him and hoping for more. 

He is showing you that he isn't interested in any type of relationship-not even a friendship. 

All of this. 

OP,  it's not necessarily that this guy is immature. He might be, but that's not the reason he's not trying to make something happen with you. He's just not interested in dating you. There's a significant difference. 

You are going to be best to keep things professional and stop hoping for more with this guy.  

[hello259]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All of this. 

OP,  it's not necessarily that this guy is immature. He might be, but that's not the reason he's not trying to make something happen with you. He's just not interested in dating you. There's a significant difference. 

Ugh, as i said, It’s ok if he doesn’t want to date.. i’m not expecting for it .. all i’m saying is, he could maintain casual flowing convo & basic friendship.. talk even just as aquaintances.. even just casual fwb do that, cmon.. so maybe it is immaturity?

[JRabbit]

clearly you don't understand what casual is because you want him to be messaging you daily and following up. That isn't casual. Casual is....no expectations.  What you want is FWB.  He isn't a friend though. FWB has boundaries and ground rules laid out. Also a friendship, of which you also don't have.

You can not sleep with someone and then afterward say you're fine with casual or FWB, when you have no clue if they are interested in the same, and then be mad they don't reach out.

Be honest with yourself. You are not ok with any of this and that is why you are on this board asking for advice.

There has been a lot of great advice, and you should take it to heart and look into why you are so attracted to a man who treats you so poorly.

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, hello259 said:

Ugh, as i said, It’s ok if he doesn’t want to date.. i’m not expecting for it .. all i’m saying is, he could maintain casual flowing convo & basic friendship.. talk even just as aquaintances.. even just casual fwb do that, cmon.. so maybe it is immaturity?

 I doubt it is immaturity. 
He never did and still doesn't want anything to do with you.
He chanced his luck by asking you to sleep with him, you complied but he still wasn't really interested or wanted to repeat the experience.
You can't make friends out of people who do not want to be friends with you.
He doesn't want to be friends with you, that is obvious.
Your work with him, IMO he tolerates you at best...

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, hello259 said:

 he could maintain casual flowing convo & basic friendship.. talk even just as aquaintances.. even just casual fwb do that, cmon.. so maybe it is immaturity?

He could. 

But the fact the isn't should tell you he isn't interested in maintaining any sort of connection with you. He doesn't want to have casual flowing conversation or basic friendship. What he could be doing is irrelevant. 

Sorry girl, but you need to adjust your expectations to basically zero with this guy. When that happens, you will stop feeling so depressed that he's not interested in anything but sex with essentially no strings attached. 

All you can do is be professional and civil at work. 

 

[hello259]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

Sorry girl, but you need to adjust your expectations to basically zero with this guy. When that happens, you will stop feeling so depressed that he's not interested in anything but sex with essentially no strings attached. 

 

Alright, i will lower my expectation to 0.. but I won’t deny, it is painful.. How do i get over this pain ? not because I even want him to date, but because we talk well, we would have been good friends.. so it’s painful to not have that with someone whom you like & get along with, please understand.. I’m not able to type all these beautiful dialogues to him either, im restricted due to the casualness... and hence my depression.. I will let this one go, but how to rid this pain? I mean how should i think that will make me feel better? 

[kendahke]

17 hours ago, hello259 said:

i would have liked it if he maintained good friendship with me AND KEPT REGULAR CONTACT WITH ME,

Perhaps his definition of friendship doesn't include extending girlfriend perks to someone who claims she just wants friendship/FWB with him.

He is most likely treating you the exact way he treats all of his female "friends" who he's had sex with.

He's gotten what he wanted from you and doesn't really owe you your expectations of him. That's what you need to get your head wrapped around. That doesn't make him immature--it just highlights that you don't know how to "read the room".  He got some and now he's gone.

[hello259]

6 minutes ago, kendahke said:

He's gotten what he wanted from you and doesn't really owe you your expectations of him. That's what you need to get your head wrapped around. That doesn't make him immature--it just highlights that you don't know how to "read the room".  He got some and now he's gone.

Oh? but even after that, he asked me when we are meeting.. but of course, like a normal guy would, he never followed up or made plans. & even said after he moves to his new place, we could meet often.. but of course, I’m guessing that won’t pan out either

[JRabbit]

1 minute ago, hello259 said:

Oh? but even after that, he asked me when we are meeting.. but of course, like a normal guy would, he never followed up or made plans. & even said after he moves to his new place, we could meet often.. but of course, I’m guessing that won’t pan out either

Why do you even want it to? Come on girl, this man is giving you crumbs of a crumb and you are begging for attention from him.  Is this really the type of relationship or friendship you want?

To help with the pain it's time to get real.  Think and remember all of his actions and how absolutely none of them show he cares one iota about you.  Think about how a real relationship or friendship should be. You are literally getting nothing from this but pain.  You are fangirling over some jerkfaced loser.

Raise your standards. Then raise them again. You deserve much, MUCH more from a partner.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, hello259 said:

Alright, i will lower my expectation to 0.. but I won’t deny, it is painful.. How do i get over this pain ? 

I can completely understand why it's painful. It hurts when interest isn't reciprocated and when he isn't even really acknowledging your presence anymore. He doesn't sound like a great guy, so I highly doubt you're missing much here. But still, you're human. Your feelings are your feelings.

You can deal with the pain by confronting reality first, which is what many of us have already outlined here. Thereafter, you need to know that you will be better equipped next time at identifying low-interest vs. high-interest guys. This one was the former, and hopefully you will be prepared to not attach yourself emotionally to this kind of person. 

You will also need to stop fantasizing about the friendship you could have had or the beautiful dialogues you would have shared. The truth is that you have no idea if either of those two things would even have been possible. Given that you hardly know him (for most practical intents and purposes), you have no clue if you two genuinely have anything in common or would have had any chemistry outside the bedroom. So, the fantasy future you've built up is just that - a fantasy that actually has little tangible basis in reality.  He has shown no interest in exploring that, so it's fairly safe to assume you wouldn't have been a match. 

I would also reflect on where this attachment was really coming from. Sure, he was a crush. But you let your mind travel to all sorts of possibilities that were beyond what he was demonstrating he wanted. Ask yourself: are you lonely? Really wanting a boyfriend? Not having much luck dating?

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, hello259 said:

all i’m saying is, he could maintain casual flowing convo & basic friendship.. talk even just as aquaintances.. even just casual fwb do that, cmon.. so maybe it is immaturity?

No it isn't.

You wrote in your first post:

Quote

***since the beginning,***

***he never spoke properly or consistently with me..***

He asked my number

since ***July 2019 until now, not once has he spoken on the phone with me..***

Quote

***only chat or in person at the office.****.

moreover, i have only met him about 6 times in this past year,

because ****the guy doesn't take much initiative to meet..****

He's never behaved in a way that would lead a reasonable person to think that he wanted the even most remedial of interaction with you, let alone friendship on the level you're expecting--he never contacted you, he never returned your calls. You cannot control his behavior--only yours and what you allowed of your free will.

You thinking that he owes you just because you have interest and you not accepting that he doesn't want what you want is what's immature.

He is entitled to his free will--and his free will is saying loud and clear that he doesn't want friendship or fwb or a relationship with you. That does not make him immature.

Your expectations are off their leash.  Expectations are future resentments under construction.

Edited August 27, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

47 minutes ago, hello259 said:

oh? but even after that, he asked me when we are meeting.. but of course, like a normal guy would, he never followed up or made plans.

But he never was that kind of guy to begin with, from the start, according to you.  You knew this from the jump, so why are you acting so brand new?

Back in the day before cell phones and snap chat, this was "I'll call you..." which never meant he actually was going to call... it was him being nice while giving you the brush off.

Edited August 27, 2020 by kendahke

[hello259]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I can completely understand why it's painful. It hurts when interest isn't reciprocated and when he isn't even really acknowledging your presence anymore. He doesn't sound like a great guy, so I highly doubt you're missing much here. But still, you're human. Your feelings are your feelings.

You can deal with the pain by confronting reality first, which is what many of us have already outlined here. Thereafter, you need to know that you will be better equipped next time at identifying low-interest vs. high-interest guys. This one was the former, and hopefully you will be prepared to not attach yourself emotionally to this kind of person. 

You will also need to stop fantasizing about the friendship you could have had or the beautiful dialogues you would have shared. The truth is that you have no idea if either of those two things would even have been possible. Given that you hardly know him (for most practical intents and purposes), you have no clue if you two genuinely have anything in common or would have had any chemistry outside the bedroom. So, the fantasy future you've built up is just that - a fantasy that actually has little tangible basis in reality.  He has shown no interest in exploring that, so it's fairly safe to assume you wouldn't have been a match. 

I would also reflect on where this attachment was really coming from. Sure, he was a crush. But you let your mind travel to all sorts of possibilities that were beyond what he was demonstrating he wanted. Ask yourself: are you lonely? Really wanting a boyfriend? Not having much luck dating?

Thank you for your long detailed response.. makes sense

[hello259]

18 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Like I said, immaturity.  He's a boy in a man's body. 

He is incapable of managing his feelings/emotions so he avoids dealing with them by avoiding you.

To me, it's obvious.  I mean even assuming he wanted only FWB, he would still talk to you, you're friends for heaven's sake! 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes.. whether he likes me or no, does seem like an immature boy indeed

[kismetkismet]

This guy is a rude, inconsistent jerk. Why do you even WANT to be friends/FWB with him? You're only paying attention to the tiny scraps of positive attention he gives you, but people are a sum of everything they do/say. When you add it all up this guy has no redeeming qualities that should make you want to spend any more time on him. 

[hello259]

23 minutes ago, kismetkismet said:

This guy is a rude, inconsistent jerk. Why do you even WANT to be friends/FWB with him? You're only paying attention to the tiny scraps of positive attention he gives you, but people are a sum of everything they do/say. When you add it all up this guy has no redeeming qualities that should make you want to spend any more time on him. 

Thank u

[hello259]

OP here.. and just for fun, let me list out the last few pings from him:

Fire emoji - reply to a pic

”Nice!” - reply to a pic

”Mmm !” - reply to a quote i posted today

- this has been how he has communicated with me in the past week.. to which, i stopped replying. He will not ping unless there is something i posted... painful & dissapointing.. 

lets say even if it were just an aquaintance or FWB- Would you tolerate this ? How would you respond or react to this?

[JRabbit]

9 minutes ago, hello259 said:

OP here.. and just for fun, let me list out the last few pings from him:

Fire emoji - reply to a pic

”Nice!” - reply to a pic

”Mmm !” - reply to a quote i posted today

- this has been how he has communicated with me in the past week.. to which, i stopped replying. He will not ping unless there is something i posted... painful & dissapointing.. 

lets say even if it were just an aquaintance or FWB- Would you tolerate this ? How would you respond or react to this?

its basic orbiting to make sure he keeps you close enough to use for sex when he wants/needs it.

I would block him personally, its all fluff garbage that means nothing. It is literally the definition of lowest effort possible to keep you hooked.

[Mystery4u]

52 minutes ago, hello259 said:

OP here.. and just for fun, let me list out the last few pings from him:

Fire emoji - reply to a pic

”Nice!” - reply to a pic

”Mmm !” - reply to a quote i posted today

- this has been how he has communicated with me in the past week.. to which, i stopped replying. He will not ping unless there is something i posted... painful & dissapointing.. 

lets say even if it were just an aquaintance or FWB- Would you tolerate this ? How would you respond or react to this?

I wouldn't even bother replying or reacting or even messaging this person again.

I really dont understand why you are even communicating with him. From your posts he sounds like a complete loser with no social skills, no experience with women, nothing going for him. How he someone managed to get into your knickers is a mystery, probably lost his virginity to you.

He adds nothing to your life so just ignore him out of work. And at work stick to work related stuff if you have to talk to him. Simple.

Edited August 27, 2020 by Mystery4u

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, hello259 said:

Fire emoji - reply to a pic

”Nice!” - reply to a pic

”Mmm !” - reply to a quote i posted today

The best message you can send is to stop messaging him/chasing him seeking out attention/approval. Also block and delete him from all your social media and messaging apps. Get on some dating apps and don't waste time on guys like this.

[Allupinnit]

2 hours ago, hello259 said:

OP here.. and just for fun, let me list out the last few pings from him:

Fire emoji - reply to a pic

”Nice!” - reply to a pic

”Mmm !” - reply to a quote i posted today

- this has been how he has communicated with me in the past week.. to which, i stopped replying. He will not ping unless there is something i posted... painful & dissapointing.. 

lets say even if it were just an aquaintance or FWB- Would you tolerate this ? How would you respond or react to this?

So he ignores you in person and acts like that on your social media?  Why kind of psychotic BS is that?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

One thing that shines through for me in your original post, mutually exclusive of the guy/whether he's a d*ck, is your fear of communicating what you want. 

To me, it seems to show your insecurity that you are waiting for him to chase you (whilst you tie yourself in knots). Also, you don't want to express yourself for fear of appearing like a drama queen (or being judged)...but if you do so maturely, aren't you just standing up for yourself and what you need/deserve?

It seems part of you either already expects to be rejected and are looking for that (hence trying to read into every gesture of his), or are afraid of rejection. 

Whatever the case, I hope you will find your voice. Don't be afraid to express yourself (calmly, maturely), or directly ask where he's at with this. You don't have to torture yourself wondering. It's reasonable to ask what he wants from you. 

If you do ask him, watch that his behavior matches his words. 

What I'm saying here could be applied to all areas in your life, not just with this guy. I have the feeling from your post that you are afraid of asking/or going for what you want. It's ok to have needs and desires, and to express them...then to only entertain those who are willing to meet them.

All the best!

[hello259]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

One thing that shines through for me in your original post, mutually exclusive of the guy/whether he's a d*ck, is your fear of communicating what you want. 

To me, it seems to show your insecurity that you are waiting for him to chase you (whilst you tie yourself in knots). Also, you don't want to express yourself for fear of appearing like a drama queen (or being judged)...but if you do so maturely, aren't you just standing up for yourself and what you need/deserve?

It seems part of you either already expects to be rejected and are looking for that (hence trying to read into every gesture of his), or are afraid of rejection. 

Whatever the case, I hope you will find your voice. Don't be afraid to express yourself (calmly, maturely), or directly ask where he's at with this. You don't have to torture yourself wondering. It's reasonable to ask what he wants from you. 

If you do ask him, watch that his behavior matches his words. 

What I'm saying here could be applied to all areas in your life, not just with this guy. I have the feeling from your post that you are afraid of asking/or going for what you want. It's ok to have needs and desires, and to express them...then to only entertain those who are willing to meet them.

All the best!

YES true i never express my feelings to him, because i try to match his behavior to me- he also does not, so why should I? If he did, i would have been encouraged to express at least a bit, BUT TILL NOW HE HAS NOT MADE IT COMFORTABLE FOR US TO HAVE OPEN FEELING COMMUNICATION LIKE THAT, .. he has only kept it casual, so hence I hesitate to. Had it been someone else who was more open & expressive, I would have.. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, hello259 said:

YES true i never express my feelings to him, because i try to match his behavior to me- he also does not, so why should I?

Because you should always be true to yourself in all ways, at all times, in all situations, with all people. You didn't need to match anyone's behavior, and doing so is a big clue that this person is not a good match for you.

5 hours ago, hello259 said:

he has only kept it casual, so hence I hesitate to. Had it been someone else who was more open & expressive, I would have

You are focusing too much on him and not enough on yourself. You are looking to him to tell you how to feel about yourself, how to behave, what is socially acceptable, which of your needs and preferences will be met.

These are all decisions you should be making for yourself, not depending on a casual fling to make for you. He's not invested in your well-being. Why are you looking to him to make decisions that affect your life and how you feel about yourself?

You have to get in touch with who you are as a person independent of others, and work on understanding what is important to you, understanding your own worth, deciding what behaviors you'll tolerate from others, and learning to effectively communicate those things.

Right now it seems you are suffering a lack of self-esteem by being willing to tolerate too much for too little. 

This guy is not special.

[kendahke]

12 hours ago, hello259 said:

BUT TILL NOW HE HAS NOT MADE IT COMFORTABLE FOR US TO HAVE OPEN FEELING COMMUNICATION LIKE THAT,

because he doesn't want that from you. He wants sex on demand on his time table.. and to that end, he'll do what little he needs to do and let you do the rest. That's someone who isn't invested in you or what you think or what you feel.

Again, disinterest isn't a sign of immaturity... tantrumming because you can't make him chase you is.