Would you feel hurt if your MM cheats on you? Update: He ended it.

[Vivalavi]

I know this might sound super ridiculous considering I'm not the one he's married, however, I was wondering if you as a OW would feel hurt if your MM was seeing someone else. Would you ask him? Would you end it then?

I deeply care for my MM and whatever is going between us is more than sex to me. My husband and I haven't kissed for at least 5 years. Those kisses with my MM are what keeps me coming for more even though I know how morally wrong it it. 

Lately, I can't stop thinking that he might be seeing someone else. Part of me thinks he would not do that. Why would he? I hope he is better than that. When I asked him several months ago, he said he has barely time for me, certainly not for others. Yet, I keep wonder and want to ask if things has changed. Deep down, I'm afraid of his answer because if he does, it will break my heart.

I know he is not my husband, nor boyfriend, but I couldn't continue to see him if he was seeing other women. I'm not seeing nor talking to others. I have no reason to.

 

Edited May 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[vla1120]

43 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I know he is not my husband, nor boyfriend, but I couldn't continue to see him if he was seeing other women.

Then my advice would be to break it off because he IS seeing at LEAST one OW (you.) If he'll cheat on his wife with you, then what is to stop him from cheating on you with other women?

[NYAG]

52 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I know this might sound super ridiculous considering I'm not the one he's married, however, I was wondering if you as a OW would feel hurt if your MM was seeing someone else. Would you ask him? Would you end it then?

I deeply care for my MM and whatever is going between us is more than sex to me. My husband and I haven't kissed for at least 5 years. Those kisses with my MM are what keeps me coming for more even though I know how morally wrong it it. 

Lately, I can't stop thinking that he might be seeing someone else. Part of me thinks he would not do that. Why would he? I hope he is better than that. When I asked him several months ago, he said he has barely time for me, certainly not for others. Yet, I keep wonder and want to ask if things has changed. Deep down, I'm afraid of his answer because if he does, it will break my heart.

I know he is not my husband, nor boyfriend, but I couldn't continue to see him if he was seeing other women. I'm not seeing nor talking to others. I have no reason to.

 

I dated a married guy back in 2018 who I discovered was seeing/attempting to/talking to a whole string of other women and it did take the edge off things when he showed me his kik message list and then asked if I'd threesome with one of his other affair partners. I drifted off pretty fast after that. I mean, I knew I wasn't the only other OW but that was just insane.

[BaileyB]

51 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I know this might sound super ridiculous considering I'm not the one he's married, however, I was wondering if you as a OW would feel hurt if your MM was seeing someone else.

You mean, beside his wife? 

I don’t mean this to sound sarcastic, but I would think that something has really gone wrong when you are asking if you should accept that the man you are cheating WITH is cheating now cheating ON YOU with someone else. 

No, I would accept it.

Again, I don’t mean this to be judgmental... but I think you need to consider why you find this an acceptable thing to do to another woman, but unacceptable when done to you. Perhaps, a little more introspection is required...

[NYAG]

10 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Then my advice would be to break it off because he IS seeing at LEAST one OW (you.) If he'll cheat on his wife with you, then what is to stop him from cheating on you with other women?

I respectfully have to disagree with this comment. I don't think that's always the case and I know I'm going to get ripped to shreds here for saying that. Some husbands who have no intimate connection with their wives/long term partners anymore genuinely just want one affair partner long term because that's all it takes to stay sane and wanted in a relationship. And I am absolutely prepared to put my money on the table with that. Not every cheating husband is solely after sex, it can be about so much more than that as Vivalavi describes. If all the intimacy/emotion has gone out of their marriage and for whatever reason they feel they have to/want to stay in their long term relationship they will look for those deeper connections elsewhere.

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, NYAG said:

Some husbands who have no intimate connection with their wives/long term partners anymore genuinely just want one affair partner long term because that's all it takes to stay sane and wanted in a relationship.

Respectfully, this is an assumption that may or may not be true. OP has said that SHE has no intimate connection with her husband. She has made no comment about the state of his marriage. And, even if she did, we would not know if it was true or not. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

Lately, I can't stop thinking that he might be seeing someone else.

Why? Has something changed?

[Vivalavi]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You mean, beside his wife? 

I don’t mean this to sound sarcastic, but I would think that something has really gone wrong when you are asking if you should accept that the man you are cheating WITH is cheating now cheating ON YOU with someone else. 

No, I would accept it.

Again, I don’t mean this to be judgmental... but I think you need to consider why you find this an acceptable thing to do to another woman, but unacceptable when done to you. Perhaps, a little more introspection is required...

I appreciate your point of view.  That's why I said my question might sound ridiculous. I guess my point is if a man cheats on his wife with someone else, why would he cheat with multiple women? As bad as it is, isn't one enough? I know what I'm doing is terrible on many levels and I'm not proud of any of it, but how would you rationalize having an affair with multiple partners while pretending being this good, every Sunday in church kinda guy? I'm still hoping he isn't doing that.

[NYAG]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Respectfully, this is an assumption that may or may not be true. OP has said that SHE has no intimate connection with her husband. She has made no comment about the state of his marriage. And, even if she did, we would not know if it was true or not. 

I was thinking in a wider perspective and from my own experience, not necessarily her situation.

Edited March 12, 2021 by NYAG
word missing

[Vivalavi]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Why? Has something changed?

His texting pattern. We talk each other every day for over the year so it's easy for me to pickup on changes. Now days it takes hours to hear from him back. I can see him online late at night. Active. He used to talk to me like that. Maybe it's because he doesn't need to chase me anymore.

[NYAG]

3 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

His texting pattern. We talk each other every day for over the year so it's easy for me to pickup on changes. Now days it takes hours to hear from him back. I can see him online late at night. Active. He used to talk to me like that. Maybe it's because he doesn't need to chase me anymore.

I would have expected that to slow down before a year. If I saw that change after a year and there was no other reasonable explanation provided for it, I would start to wonder. And then the first thing that I would do is ask him. A situation like this has to be based on transparent communication at all times. So ask him. Not asking does not change it. And then you have to decide if you like his explanation based on how you know he should respond to this.

[Vivalavi]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Respectfully, this is an assumption that may or may not be true. OP has said that SHE has no intimate connection with her husband. She has made no comment about the state of his marriage. And, even if she did, we would not know if it was true or not. 

When we started to talk, he said his sex life was a 10 minute thing.  He said there is no passion, no trying anything besides regular things. He also mentioned that his wife find making sounds during intercourse awkward so it's a big no-no I'm their bedroom.

[Vivalavi]

31 minutes ago, NYAG said:

I dated a married guy back in 2018 who I discovered was seeing/attempting to/talking to a whole string of other women and it did take the edge off things when he showed me his kik message list and then asked if I'd threesome with one of his other affair partners. I drifted off pretty fast after that. I mean, I knew I wasn't the only other OW but that was just insane.

That is insane!! Sorry this happened to you! Maybe I need that type of slap in face to get my thinking straight.  It's just hard to see things logically once emotions are involved.

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

When we started to talk, he said his sex life was a 10 minute thing.  He said there is no passion, no trying anything besides regular things. He also mentioned that his wife find making sounds during intercourse awkward so it's a big no-no I'm their bedroom.

I would take all that with a big pinch of salt.
Most will tell you what you want to hear and minimise their sex lives with their wives so as not to upset you.
Also setting up competition is not uncommon. You  then assume you provide the best sex... he was a poor sex starved man and you are his saviour...

[Vivalavi]

8 minutes ago, NYAG said:

I would have expected that to slow down before a year. If I saw that change after a year and there was no other reasonable explanation provided for it, I would start to wonder. And then the first thing that I would do is ask him. A situation like this has to be based on transparent communication at all times. So ask him. Not asking does not change it. And then you have to decide if you like his explanation based on how you know he should respond to this.

You're right! I actually written my "what's going on" message a while back just didn't send it to him, yet. But I'm going to and then I will see.

[NYAG]

2 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

That is insane!! Sorry this happened to you! Maybe I need that type of slap in face to get my thinking straight.  It's just hard to see things logically once emotions are involved.

I'm now seeing someone who is the opposite. I'm not going to go into it here because I will get ripped down but yes married. He and his wife have stayed together for the kids but agreed a very long time ago that the sex side of their life together was well and truly over. So this is his solution. It's early days. I have questions and suggestions but I'm not going to push it. I have become a solution for however long that works. He's a lovely guy looking for a break. I know I'm just a stepping stone but that works both ways. And that's the way it is. 

[NYAG]

3 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

You're right! I actually written my "what's going on" message a while back just didn't send it to him, yet. But I'm going to and then I will see.

Keep me posted. Would be interested in his response because one day I don't doubt I will be in the same situation.

[BaileyB]

36 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

 I guess my point is if a man cheats on his wife with someone else, why would he cheat with multiple women? As bad as it is, isn't one enough?

Why wouldn’t he? He has already done his assessment and decided he doesn’t have a problem cheating on his wife. You are expecting ethics from a man who is acting in an unethical way by being a dishonest, disloyal, and unfaithful husband?  

I’m sure that for many MM, one affair partner and one wife is enough. But, to assume that he won’t be cheating with other women when he has already proven that he can and will seems to be a foolish assumption to make. 

In other words, how do you trust someone who has proven to be untrustworthy? 

Edited March 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[NYAG]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Why wouldn’t he? He has already done his assessment and decided he doesn’t have a problem cheating on his wife. You are expecting ethics from a man who is acting in an unethical way by being a dishonest, disloyal, and unfaithful husband?  

I’m sure that for many MM, one affair partner and one wife is enough. But, to assume that he won’t be cheating with other women when he has already proven that he can and will seems to be a foolish assumption to make. 

How do you trust someone who has proven to be untrustworthy? 

Equally, any relationship can fizzle whether that's extra marital or not. It's how you handle it. Maybe he has found someone else. So be it. But he needs to own up to it if that's the case so the OP can move on.

[Starswillshine]

I dont really understand this really. Because if you consider him with other women cheating wouldn't he be cheating on you by virtue of sharing a bed/being married to another woman? How is that not really the same thing? Why are you twisting yourself up trying to excuse the main other woman in his life? 

[Birdies]

It's illogical, but yes, this would have hurt me deeply.  We were in love (despite it being obviously super sh*tty of us to be cheating on our spouses).  We are happily married now.  We've both done a lot of work and introspection to try learn from our past bad choices, so I would definitely be shocked and devastated if he cheated on me now.  I really don't see that happening though.

 

[mark clemson]

Male here. I would just say that some would and some wouldn't. It depends a lot on "what they're doing it for" as well as other factors.

I would say that (from the perspective of maintaining the affair) the late night activity would be a yellow flag and the advice to ask about it and assess the response (with a pretty big grain of salt, too) would make sense.

More than one OW/former OW has posted here to note that their MM had an OOW/new OW, so it's certainly not unheard of. Certainly not guaranteed to be happening either.

[Luna66star]

MM is likely seeing someone else besides you.  This is why his communication patterns are changing.  You are upset because you think he belongs to you.  He doesn't.  I don't want to sound harsh but this is the reality. He's a cheater which means he will have no qualms about doing what he wants, when he wants and with who.  You two are not in an official relationship.  You are a side piece.  These are the true hard facts.

Your emotional health is taking a spiral downward.  It will only get worse.  You may eventually need counseling or drugs to cope.

Please run for the hills!  Get out now.

 

 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

I don’t think so... I wouldn’t expect to them to be loyal bc they’re married 

Edited March 12, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Vivalavi]

20 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Male here. I would just say that some would and some wouldn't. It depends a lot on "what they're doing it for" as well as other factors.

I would say that (from the perspective of maintaining the affair) the late night activity would be a yellow flag and the advice to ask about it and assess the response (with a pretty big grain of salt, too) would make sense.

More than one OW/former OW has posted here to note that their MM had an OOW/new OW, so it's certainly not unheard of. Certainly not guaranteed to be happening either.

I know there are no guarantees it is happening, however, if he is texting me pics late at night of him being all frisky and suddenly stops, you wonder. One could think he is asleep but his Snapchat score says otherwise. He was sending pics to someone else and I doubt it was his male friend. I will talk to him for sure.