NYAG Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 10 hours ago, Luna66star said: You are upset because you think he belongs to you. He doesn't. I don't want to sound harsh but this is the reality. Yeah I agree with this particular statement. No matter what you feel for your affair partner (if they're the one in the relationship), they do not belong to you in the same way that you cannot belong to them. And that is the overriding theme. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 10 hours ago, Vivalavi said: I know there are no guarantees it is happening, however, if he is texting me pics late at night of him being all frisky and suddenly stops, you wonder. One could think he is asleep but his Snapchat score says otherwise. He was sending pics to someone else and I doubt it was his male friend. I will talk to him for sure. I think you have already answered your own question here. Have you asked him? That's the only way, not sculking around his social media trying to make deductions from vague online behaviour and trying to make excuses for why his patterns of behaviour have changed. Just go for the throat, it's the only way. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 10 hours ago, Vivalavi said: I know there are no guarantees it is happening, however, if he is texting me pics late at night of him being all frisky and suddenly stops, you wonder. One could think he is asleep but his Snapchat score says otherwise. He was sending pics to someone else and I doubt it was his male friend. I will talk to him for sure. Why bother, you know what he is doing, he knows what he is doing, we know what he is doing. All you will get from him are lies and excuses... he may be oh so sorry, or he may go on the defensive and get annoyed and angry, but neither will actually change the situation. Time to move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 17 hours ago, Vivalavi said: Lately, I can't stop thinking that he might be seeing someone else. Part of me thinks he would not do that. Why would he? I hope he is better than that. If he can have one on the side, why not have two? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 Unfortunately, it seems like a sort of masochism to be with someone married in the first place, so further hurt that a cheater cheats unfortunately seems like a natural trajectory of this dynamic. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 It’s interesting that his response to your question was “I don’t have time” and not “I would never be interested in another woman besides you”. Whether he has another affair or not, remember that it’s much easier to “cheat” on a mistress than it is a wife - to you, he doesn’t need to think up excuses for where he was, he just needs to tell you he was with his wife. The first affair is tricky from a logistical point of view. Once he’s mastered that, adding others is not so difficult. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 12 minutes ago, Mascara said: The first affair is tricky from a logistical point of view. And from a psychological view too I guess. Once that hurdle is crossed, then anything is possible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted March 14, 2021 Author Share Posted March 14, 2021 I finally managed to talk to him about this whole situation. I told him how I feel when I don't hear from him for a while and asked whether he is seeing someone else. He apologized for late responding stating it has nothing to do with me. He said he isn't trying to push me away. Pretty much used his usual being busy excuse but also mentioned it's not excuse and he will try to do better. When asked if he is seeing someone else he simply said I'm not. Nothing else. I told him if things ever change I hope he will tell me. He said he will, but things won't change. And this is pretty much all I got from him. He was replying quickly all day after that. Weird thing is, I don't know whether to believe him or not. I feel like time will tell. His actions will tell as well. Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 2 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: I finally managed to talk to him about this whole situation. I told him how I feel when I don't hear from him for a while and asked whether he is seeing someone else. He apologized for late responding stating it has nothing to do with me. He said he isn't trying to push me away. Pretty much used his usual being busy excuse but also mentioned it's not excuse and he will try to do better. When asked if he is seeing someone else he simply said I'm not. Nothing else. I told him if things ever change I hope he will tell me. He said he will, but things won't change. And this is pretty much all I got from him. He was replying quickly all day after that. Weird thing is, I don't know whether to believe him or not. I feel like time will tell. His actions will tell as well. Meanwhile you are still stuck in limbo. Clearly SOMETHING has changed. What does your gut tell you? Go with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted March 14, 2021 Author Share Posted March 14, 2021 On 3/13/2021 at 5:12 AM, Mascara said: It’s interesting that his response to your question was “I don’t have time” and not “I would never be interested in another woman besides you”. Whether he has another affair or not, remember that it’s much easier to “cheat” on a mistress than it is a wife - to you, he doesn’t need to think up excuses for where he was, he just needs to tell you he was with his wife. The first affair is tricky from a logistical point of view. Once he’s mastered that, adding others is not so difficult. You are right! You know I've never thought of his response until you point it out. Makes so much sense. And yes, I can imagine it's much easier to cheat on your lover than your partner. My thing was why would I? Why would I want multiple lovers? Having one affair is already wrong as it it. I guess main difference is that women tend to care the way most men probably don't. Put tons of emotions into something that could be only physical pleasure. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 If you are trying to figure out if you can trust him - if you are asking yourself if you believe he is being honest with you - remember, he lies to his wife every single day about your very existence. Perhaps there is no other woman, what if he is more invested with his wife right now? Perhaps, they are trying to have a baby or she is pregnant? Maybe they are considering buying their dream home together? We don’t know any of the details of his marriage because you haven’t shared, but is it possible that the “other woman” is his wife? 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 19 minutes ago, NYAG said: Meanwhile you are still stuck in limbo. She choses to stay in limbo, as she choses a relationship for herself with a man who is otherwise committed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted March 14, 2021 Author Share Posted March 14, 2021 38 minutes ago, NYAG said: Meanwhile you are still stuck in limbo. Clearly SOMETHING has changed. What does your gut tell you? Go with that. I feel stuck. My gut has been telling me to let go ever since I felt more pain than happiness talking to him. Those hot and cold days keep me confused and messed up. Just like now - he was nice answering all those questions but deep down I'm still questioning it. As a someone who isn't his wife, nor gf I feel that I have no "rights" to dig deeper. And just like it was pointed out before, he might and might not be telling truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted March 14, 2021 Author Share Posted March 14, 2021 27 minutes ago, BaileyB said: If you are trying to figure out if you can trust him - if you are asking yourself if you believe he is being honest with you - remember, he lies to his wife every single day about your very existence. Perhaps there is no other woman, what if he is more invested with his wife right now? Perhaps, they are trying to have a baby or she is pregnant? Maybe they are considering buying their dream home together? We don’t know any of the details of his marriage because you haven’t shared, but is it possible that the “other woman” is his wife? I wish that it would be his wife instead of another OW. We don't talk much about our marriages when we finally see each other for a few hours. We talk about work, our interests, things that we have in common or people. If he mentions her he usually addresses her as "she". When I see their pics on social sites, it is usually her posting their pics and saying all kinds of nice things about him as a husband and a dad. It often makes me cry. Not because I see them together, but because I feel guilty and also because I know he isn't what she thinks he is. When I see them all happy I wonder why he is doing it. I know my reasons but I have been married twice longer than he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 39 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: I feel stuck. My gut has been telling me to let go ever since I felt more pain than happiness talking to him. Those hot and cold days keep me confused and messed up. Just like now - he was nice answering all those questions but deep down I'm still questioning it. As a someone who isn't his wife, nor gf I feel that I have no "rights" to dig deeper. And just like it was pointed out before, he might and might not be telling truth. You sound so tormented , and it’s so hard when our head and heart aren’t on the same page . Ultimately you have the power to continue in this torment or take back control by ending things . In your heart you know you can’t trust him . You are right to some degree in that actions speak louder than words -his action to have a secret affair proved you can’t trust him -isn’t that enough proof that he lies ? what do you want from this relationship? Where do you see yourself in 6 months ? Perhaps the most telling statements for me is that you think you have no rights to dig deeper ? We forsake a lot of “rights “ by indulging in an affair that’s true but is your reluctance to dig deeper more that you think questioning him will drive him away ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted March 14, 2021 Author Share Posted March 14, 2021 2 minutes ago, Snakesalive said: You sound so tormented , and it’s so hard when our head and heart aren’t on the same page . Ultimately you have the power to continue in this torment or take back control by ending things . In your heart you know you can’t trust him . You are right to some degree in that actions speak louder than words -his action to have a secret affair proved you can’t trust him -isn’t that enough proof that he lies ? what do you want from this relationship? Where do you see yourself in 6 months ? Perhaps the most telling statements for me is that you think you have no rights to dig deeper ? We forsake a lot of “rights “ by indulging in an affair that’s true but is your reluctance to dig deeper more that you think questioning him will drive him away ? Thank you! There is that option of driving him away, however, there's also option that would prove he isn't who I hope he is. I know this will sound foolish and naive, but in my heart he is this sweet, nice man that makes me smile. Just to see his face makes me smile. He woke up things in me that I haven't feel years in my marriage. I don't remember last time my husband made me genuinely smile. On the other hand, my logic tells me that if a guy start sending you his *** pics shortly after meeting you, he might not be that nice. If he comes home from work and first thing he does is send you a video of him playing with himself, he might not be that nice. See, I'm trying to get some sense into me but my heart is often louder than my logic. Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: Thank you! There is that option of driving him away, however, there's also option that would prove he isn't who I hope he is. I know this will sound foolish and naive, but in my heart he is this sweet, nice man that makes me smile. Just to see his face makes me smile. He woke up things in me that I haven't feel years in my marriage. I don't remember last time my husband made me genuinely smile. On the other hand, my logic tells me that if a guy start sending you his *** pics shortly after meeting you, he might not be that nice. If he comes home from work and first thing he does is send you a video of him playing with himself, he might not be that nice. See, I'm trying to get some sense into me but my heart is often louder than my logic. 19 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: So where do you see the relationship going? Edited March 14, 2021 by Snakesalive Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 25 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: my logic tells me that if a guy start sending you his *** pics shortly after meeting you, he might not be that nice. If he comes home from work and first thing he does is send you a video of him playing with himself, he might not be that nice. I know this is not a funny situation, but that did make me laugh. What on earth are you thinking here? You are risking it all, for some guy who sends you dick pics... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 I know it's hard, but try looking at the situation objectively, without the emotions. Given everything he has shown you about who he is ( not who you want him to be or wish he was) what do you think is happening? Do you think he ha sit in him to be "faithful" to just you? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Vivalavi said: Just like now - he was nice answering all those questions but deep down I'm still questioning it. Gently, if you have to ask the man you are “dating” whether he is dating another woman, it doesn’t really matter if he is “nice” answering all those questions. If he wants to keep you interested, it would serve him well to be “nice.” If he gets upset, it’s a sure sign that something is up and he is suddenly down one sex partner. Some people are capable of lying with a straight face. I’m sure he is very “nice” to his wife, he still lies to her every single day. 1 hour ago, Vivalavi said: I know this will sound foolish and naive, but in my heart he is this sweet, nice man that makes me smile. On the other hand, my logic tells me that if a guy start sending you his *** pics shortly after meeting you, he might not be that nice. If he comes home from work and first thing he does is send you a video of him playing with himself, he might not be that nice. Married men are in the business of making women feel good. Most women would not have sex with a married man if they told the truth - so, they present themselves and a charming, feel good kind of guy who makes you smile. They tend to throw out a few standard lines about their marriage and because you have also been lonely in your marriage and it’s easy for you to project how you were feeling on his marriage. But, the simple truth is - a man who sends you xxx pics and videos is looking for sex. That’s what you would think if you were both single, would you not? If you met him online and he was a single guy, sending you xxx pics and masturbation videos, would you say “He is such a sweet man and he makes me feel so good” or would you say “Gross! What is wrong with this guy? This is very inappropriate and I don’t want to date this man?” If he is sending xxx pics to you shortly after meeting you - the chances are highly likely that he is doing the same to other women. It the famous Maya Angelou quote... “When people show you who they truly are, believe them.” What do we know about this guy - that he is dishonest, unfaithful, untrustworthy, and sex is a prime motivator for him. He’s willing to do almost anything to get it, and he doesn’t care who gets hurt in the process. When you say, I want to believe that he is who I think he is - WHO I WANT HIM TO BE... you are projecting. This kind of emotional reasoning often leads us down the wrong path... As pepperbird says, take a step back and look at this objectively. If you were both single, would you accept this from a man? If this was your best friend or your daughter, would you advise her to stay in this relationship? Edited March 14, 2021 by BaileyB 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 23 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Gently, if you have to ask the man you are “dating” whether he is dating another woman, it doesn’t really matter if he is “nice” answering all those questions. I meant to add, the simple fact that you have to ask the question is a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 2 hours ago, Vivalavi said: I feel stuck. My gut has been telling me to let go ever since I felt more pain than happiness talking to him. Those hot and cold days keep me confused and messed up. Just like now - he was nice answering all those questions but deep down I'm still questioning it. As a someone who isn't his wife, nor gf I feel that I have no "rights" to dig deeper. And just like it was pointed out before, he might and might not be telling truth. He isn't making you happy. I think you have all the answer you need. It's not even something worth fighting for or working on. He is already not yours. Please let this one go. You can do better. He has you in a holding pen until he decides what he wants and I suspect you will not be the victor. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 26 minutes ago, NYAG said: He has you in a holding pen until he decides what he wants... It’s entirely possible that he has what he wants right now. She may be the only person who is dissatisfied with the status quo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sol Flor Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 I see the point to your concern. As I have had the same concerns. And it upsets me. But I know I am definitely not more special than the woman he loves. And If they can do this to the woman they love then imagine all they’ll do to us. After all we’re just the side piece. They don’t owe us anything. When I look at it from the outside as I’m looking into your story I can see how others would be upset and not understand our logic. But still I also understand it from your point of view. And I think I feed his ego. I listen non-judgemenal as he pours out his fears and sadness, I keep his secrets. He expects me to remain loyal. So do you deserve the right to ask him. Yes. And he should be honest. Afterall this is an honest relationship. He’s been honest with you about his marriage. So it’s what you do with the answer. Hopefully he tells the truth. And If the answer is yes. Unfortunately you do not have a right to be angry or yell. But you do have the right to not accept it and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sol Flor Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 9 hours ago, Vivalavi said: Weird thing is, I don't know whether to believe him or not. I feel like time will tell. His actions will tell as well. You are starting to see him for who he really is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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