Would you feel hurt if your MM cheats on you? Update: He ended it.

[Daliah]

On 3/12/2021 at 9:55 PM, Birdies said:

It's illogical, but yes, this would have hurt me deeply.  We were in love (despite it being obviously super sh*tty of us to be cheating on our spouses).  We are happily married now.  We've both done a lot of work and introspection to try learn from our past bad choices, so I would definitely be shocked and devastated if he cheated on me now.  I really don't see that happening though.

 

No wife ever does....

[Minnie Moo]

On 3/19/2021 at 5:08 PM, Vivalavi said:

When he said it I laughed it off because I thought he was just joking. Perhaps he knew what effects he has on us, women.

This has just prompted a memory from a convo with my exMM a while ago. 
 

I told him I’d been on a couple of dates with someone and had tried to kiss them/be intimate with them but just couldn’t do it as couldn’t get him out of my head. In fact I ended up in tears on the poor bloke who I went on the date with as I felt like I was cheating on my MM. 

MM thought this was hilarious and took great delight in saying how he’d ‘Ruined me for life’ 

What a massive ego boost that must have been to him and what a huge red flag about his personality that I chose to ignore 😞 
 

 

[NYAG]

18 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

This has just prompted a memory from a convo with my exMM a while ago. 
 

I told him I’d been on a couple of dates with someone and had tried to kiss them/be intimate with them but just couldn’t do it as couldn’t get him out of my head. In fact I ended up in tears on the poor bloke who I went on the date with as I felt like I was cheating on my MM. 

MM thought this was hilarious and took great delight in saying how he’d ‘Ruined me for life’ 

What a massive ego boost that must have been to him and what a huge red flag about his personality that I chose to ignore 😞 
 

 

How awful for you. He conditioned you, and you played right into his hands and he lapped it up. This man is awful. And he probably sits there still thinking about how difficult he has made it for you to move on. This guy is just playing games. He just wants a toy to fill his time, presumably because his wife won't be manipulated like that. We're often blind. I've had worse partners. It takes moving on and having a more detached view of the situation to really understand what was going on. We often can't see it when we're in it, and it's worse when the other person knows what they are doing and how to play you.

[Minnie Moo]

21 minutes ago, NYAG said:

How awful for you. He conditioned you, and you played right into his hands and he lapped it up. This man is awful. And he probably sits there still thinking about how difficult he has made it for you to move on. This guy is just playing games. He just wants a toy to fill his time, presumably because his wife won't be manipulated like that. We're often blind. I've had worse partners. It takes moving on and having a more detached view of the situation to really understand what was going on. We often can't see it when we're in it, and it's worse when the other person knows what they are doing and how to play you.

I’d totally forgotten about it until I read this post.  

I can’t believe I let him get away with saying it. 

Trouble is I think he may well be right. I can’t get him out my head no matter what I find out about him or however many red flags I come across  😩 

How will anyone else be able to live up to how he made me feel? 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Minnie Moo said:

How will anyone else be able to live up to how he made me feel? 

Emotions are always heightened in a dysfunctional relationship. 

Of course, no man is going to live up to the way he made you feel... normal, healthy relationship with a kind, considerate and loving man is going to feel really boring compared to the intensity of the feelings you have experienced in both your marriage and this affair. 

Not to mention the fact that what you had with this man was a fantasy relationship. As you have come to learn, the man was physically present and he knew what to say and do to gain your interest... but, much of what you miss about him is the “experience” that frankly, you created on your own. 

You have unfortunately confused emotional abuse with love. It’s going to take a while and some counselling to change that programming... 

Edited March 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[Minnie Moo]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Emotions are always heightened in a dysfunctional relationship. 

Of course, no man is going to live up to the way he made you feel... normal, healthy relationship with a kind, considerate and loving man is going to feel really boring compared to the intensity of the feelings you have experienced in both your marriage and this affair. 

Not to mention the fact that what you had with this man was a fantasy, not a real relationship. 

You have unfortunately confused emotional abuse with love. It’s going to take a while and some counselling to change that programming... 

As always you’ve hit the nail on the head.  Thank you 😊 

I do so want to find a kind, considerate, genuinely loving relationship but like you you’ve said before, my Picker is most definitely off.  
 

Counselling is hopefully getting sorted soon and I’m giving blokes a wide berth for the foreseeable until I can trust myself to make healthy choices.  

  
Your insight is truly appreciated 

 

[hajk]

@Minnie Moo affair's brain acts like drug addiction.  You might want to check out the following very good Youtube video.

Dr. Montes: Neurobiology of Addiction

https://youtu.be/SfxSA1hWjJM

 

Edited March 21, 2021 by hajk

[NYAG]

3 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

I’d totally forgotten about it until I read this post.  

I can’t believe I let him get away with saying it. 

Trouble is I think he may well be right. I can’t get him out my head no matter what I find out about him or however many red flags I come across  😩 

How will anyone else be able to live up to how he made me feel? 

 

Don't use him as the marker for your future relationships. He should be the low bar not the high bar. When you say 'how will anyone else be able to live up to how he made me feel' you should be asking how can I avoid men that made me feel like he made me feel. Look for the opposite. You know what to look out for. Thanks to various bad relationships I have a list of red flags of things I keep an eye out for in new partners. Don't repeat the same mistake if you are looking for someone who's going to stick around and not drag you down to the level that this guy did.

[Minnie Moo]

1 hour ago, NYAG said:

Don't use him as the marker for your future relationships. He should be the low bar not the high bar. When you say 'how will anyone else be able to live up to how he made me feel' you should be asking how can I avoid men that made me feel like he made me feel. Look for the opposite. You know what to look out for. Thanks to various bad relationships I have a list of red flags of things I keep an eye out for in new partners. Don't repeat the same mistake if you are looking for someone who's going to stick around and not drag you down to the level that this guy did.

Thank you. That’s a much better way of looking at it and thinking about it for the future.  Jeez my head really is totally screwed on how I view people and situations.  😞 Counselling here I come! 

[NYAG]

10 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

Thank you. That’s a much better way of looking at it and thinking about it for the future.  Jeez my head really is totally screwed on how I view people and situations.  😞 Counselling here I come! 

I would be an interesting case for a counsellor I think, but it's never going to happen for me here in the UK.

[Birdies]

On 3/20/2021 at 1:56 AM, Divine29 said:

No wife ever does....

Eh, not true. A lot of marriages, and husbands or wives, are ripe for cheating. 

[Daliah]

18 hours ago, Birdies said:

Eh, not true. A lot of marriages, and husbands or wives, are ripe for cheating. 

Okay, so the UNSUSPECTING half of the partnership never does....

[Birdies]

On 3/23/2021 at 2:15 AM, Divine29 said:

Okay, so the UNSUSPECTING half of the partnership never does....

Yes, by definition, an unsuspecting half does not.  That is true.  If you need some support for being betrayed, there are forums here specifically for that  ❤️  I don't think this is the best one for that purpose.

[Vivalavi]

Ever since I woke up this morning, I have been thinking about Mr. Einstein and his famous Insanity quote. That's exactly what I am doing...same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I feel very foolish. My MM and I worked together a few days last week. It was great, he was very nice and helpful. He did things for me that he didn't have to at all. On the other hand, I saw how much time he spends looking at his phone or how excited he can be around pretty coworkers. I'm pretty sure if I worked with him every day for a while my fantasy of him would change into a pure reality. 

This morning, I woke up to my message left on open. I have been talking to him long enough to know his texting patterns and times he usually messages in the morning. Being left on open might mean nothing to someone, however, it isn't probably more than two week when I told him how being left in open or not responded for 6 plus hours makes me feel. He apologized and said he will try doing better. He did. But now he is back taking his time or leaving me on open. I simply don't understand. It's like a rollercoaster. I say something, he does better, then goes back to his cold ways. And here I am wondering why I can't let go. Why I keep holding onto him and breaking my own heart! Over and over again. I know there are so many people that love me and care deeply for me, yet, he is the one my mind keeps focusing on. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

I know there are so many people that love me and care deeply for me, yet, he is the one my mind keeps focusing on. 

Google search intermittent reinforcement. You will find your answer. 

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

It's like a rollercoaster.

At some point, you will need to get off the ride. 

 

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

It was great, he was very nice and helpful. He did things for me that he didn't have to at all. On the other hand, I saw how much time he spends looking at his phone or how excited he can be around pretty coworkers. I'm pretty sure if I worked with him every day for a while my fantasy of him would change into a pure reality. 

I think it would be hell. I wouldn’t want to work everyday with a man that I could not have. I wouldn’t want to watch him flirt with pretty women and wonder constantly who he is texting. That, to me, would be pure hell. 

[NYAG]

2 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Ever since I woke up this morning, I have been thinking about Mr. Einstein and his famous Insanity quote. That's exactly what I am doing...same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I feel very foolish. My MM and I worked together a few days last week. It was great, he was very nice and helpful. He did things for me that he didn't have to at all. On the other hand, I saw how much time he spends looking at his phone or how excited he can be around pretty coworkers. I'm pretty sure if I worked with him every day for a while my fantasy of him would change into a pure reality. 

This morning, I woke up to my message left on open. I have been talking to him long enough to know his texting patterns and times he usually messages in the morning. Being left on open might mean nothing to someone, however, it isn't probably more than two week when I told him how being left in open or not responded for 6 plus hours makes me feel. He apologized and said he will try doing better. He did. But now he is back taking his time or leaving me on open. I simply don't understand. It's like a rollercoaster. I say something, he does better, then goes back to his cold ways. And here I am wondering why I can't let go. Why I keep holding onto him and breaking my own heart! Over and over again. I know there are so many people that love me and care deeply for me, yet, he is the one my mind keeps focusing on. 

If someone feels they have to try to do better. it's time to leave. It shouldn't take that much effort if someone is in to you. It should just happen because they want to.

[Snakesalive]

On 3/14/2021 at 2:15 PM, Vivalavi said:

e. I told him if things ever change I hope he will tell me. He said he will, but things won't change

Why are you giving him all the power? For most mm affairs boost their ego -this is just giving him another boost.  you may as well have said “ I know I don’t have any rights in this relationship -I know you’re deceitful given you’re lying to your wife but I hope I’f you get the the urge to have another  OW you’ll get some honesty and tell me “ cmon you’re worth more than this 

[Snakesalive]

On 3/30/2021 at 2:33 PM, Vivalavi said:

Ever since I woke up this morning, I have been thinking about Mr. Einstein and his famous Insanity quote. That's exactly what I am doing...same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I feel very foolish. My MM and I worked together a few days last week. It was great, he was very nice and helpful. He did things for me that he didn't have to at all. On the other hand, I saw how much time he spends looking at his phone or how excited he can be around pretty coworkers. I'm pretty sure if I worked with him every day for a while my fantasy of him would change into a pure reality. 

This morning, I woke up to my message left on open. I have been talking to him long enough to know his texting patterns and times he usually messages in the morning. Being left on open might mean nothing to someone, however, it isn't probably more than two week when I told him how being left in open or not responded for 6 plus hours makes me feel. He apologized and said he will try doing better. He did. But now he is back taking his time or leaving me on open. I simply don't understand. It's like a rollercoaster. I say something, he does better, then goes back to his cold ways. And here I am wondering why I can't let go. Why I keep holding onto him and breaking my own heart! Over and over again. I know there are so many people that love me and care deeply for me, yet, he is the one my mind keeps focusing on. 

My heart goes out to you . Please don’t feel foolish I honestly know how you feel . It’s surreal to think a few short months ago I was in a 6 year affair -we had d day I moved to a different country to be with him because I was totally convinced he was my forever. Within 8 weeks we were over -the signs were there that it wasn’t right -I chose to ignore them . It’s really hard to say I chose to ignore them but I really did and I fear you are too.

reading your posts reminds me so much of me - the affair took my self confidence my boundaries and consumed me . 
You can get past this and honestly live a better life it takes time and effort but believe me when you’re out Of it you’ll realise the shadow of yourself you had become in the affair -being in the light is a better choice XX 

[pepperbird2]

Sounds to me like he is setting you up for diminished expectations. He keeps setting the bar lower and lower, and you keep returning.

Op, would you put up with this behaviour if he wasn't married? If your answer. is "no", then why do you except less from him just because he's married? This is not a one off or an exception to his usual patterns- this is him! He will continue to treat you this way for as long as you allow it.

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

Sounds to me like he is setting you up for diminished expectations. He keeps setting the bar lower and lower, and you keep returning.

Op, would you put up with this behaviour if he wasn't married? If your answer. is "no", then why do you except less from him just because he's married? This is not a one off or an exception to his usual patterns- this is him! He will continue to treat you this way for as long as you allow it.

If I’m right @vivalvi is a MW -I wonder would she put up with this behaviour from her husband ? 

[Vivalavi]

On 3/30/2021 at 10:28 AM, BaileyB said:

Google search intermittent reinforcement. You will find your answer. 

At some point, you will need to get off the ride. 

 

I think it would be hell. I wouldn’t want to work everyday with a man that I could not have. I wouldn’t want to watch him flirt with pretty women and wonder constantly who he is texting. That, to me, would be pure hell. 

It would be  hell but at least I would see real him. I would see more than just who he is behind his messages and my perfect fantasy of him. I would hope to see his true colors.

[Vivalavi]

9 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

Why are you giving him all the power? For most mm affairs boost their ego -this is just giving him another boost.  you may as well have said “ I know I don’t have any rights in this relationship -I know you’re deceitful given you’re lying to your wife but I hope I’f you get the the urge to have another  OW you’ll get some honesty and tell me “ cmon you’re worth more than this 

You are right! I'm pretty sure he gets his ego boost from me on daily basis. I read this quote that pretty much sums it up for me - the biggest mistake one can make is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much, and forgetting that YOU are special too.

[thewoomensay]

On 3/12/2021 at 9:26 AM, BaileyB said:

Again, I don’t mean this to be judgmental... but I think you need to consider why you find this an acceptable thing to do to another woman, but unacceptable when done to you. Perhaps, a little more introspection is required...

to the people in the back 🗣️

[Daliah]

On 3/26/2021 at 5:31 PM, Birdies said:

Yes, by definition, an unsuspecting half does not.  That is true.  If you need some support for being betrayed, there are forums here specifically for that  ❤️  I don't think this is the best one for that purpose.

Thankyou for the heads up, but your thoughtful guidance is misplaced. I was someone’s bit on the side until I got my head out of my selfish a*** and did the right thing. Thanks again for the advice though

Edited April 1, 2021 by Divine29
Addition

[Vivalavi]

Oh boy... My mind is blown! How full of yourself you have to be to ask me if I am adDICKted to you? And then to proceed to say -I know you are! He knows me so little! If he asked me to choose between that and kisses, I would choose kisses without a doubt. He and I think so differently. Yet, I keep fooling myself...ugh.