Would you feel hurt if your MM cheats on you? Update: He ended it.

[Vivalavi]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The problem here is, she is misinterpreting the “mixed signals” of the slow fade as possible interest. Couple that with the fact that she isn’t going to let go unless she has no other option and this continues indefinitely, which is not helpful to OP. 

BaileyB, I am not sure if it's possible interest. It's more a hope that he truly cares as he claimed so many times yesterday. I might be fooling myself. I know. You know what gets me the most? I always had this gut feeling about him that he wasn't telling me the truth and was talking to other girls. And yet,  I'm no longer thinking about all of that . All I can feel now is this "perfect" man that I can no longer have. And it hurts bad. So pathetic. 

[Vivalavi]

20 minutes ago, jah526 said:

He may be trying to do the right thing now, but my xMM started hunting around when his wife was heavily pregnant and refusing sex. Might be a good opportunity to shut this down on your end before this happens to you too. Stay in touch with him and it’s almost guaranteed to happen.

I believe I was a big ego boost for him. I made him feel desired and oh so wanted. Always giving compliments and such.  What a fool! Now, just a thought of him making a baby is making me sick. His wife has no idea who her husband truly is. I don't think she ever did considering he cheated on her before they got married.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

His wife has no idea who her husband truly is. I don't think she ever did considering he cheated on her before they got married.

Now aren't you glad he isn't your husband.  He sounds disgusting.

[Vivalavi]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Now aren't you glad he isn't your husband.  He sounds disgusting.

It's pretty sad to be honest. I would never marry someone if I had a need to cheat on them while still deeply in love. 

[Snakesalive]

56 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

It's pretty sad to be honest. I would never marry someone if I had a need to cheat on them while still deeply in love. 

@Vivalaviwas your relationship with MM  a full on physical affair or an emotional affair ? 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

It's more a hope that he truly cares

Why do you need to know this? Personal validation? What do you get from knowing that he cares...

3 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

All I can feel now is this "perfect" man that I can no longer have. And it hurts bad. So pathetic. 

No man is perfect. It does not exist. And this man, is faaaaaaaaaaaaar from perfect. It’s difficult to understand why you are expending so much emotional energy, lamenting for this man. 

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

I would never marry someone if I had a need to cheat on them while still deeply in love. 

Most people wouldn’t. The fact that he did tells you something about his character, does it not? 

[elaine567]

You NEED him to care because if he didn't care, then what exactly are/were you you him?

Edited May 26, 2021 by elaine567

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

It's pretty sad to be honest. I would never marry someone if I had a need to cheat on them while still deeply in love. 

Did he tell you he is deeply in love with his wife?

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You NEED him to care because if he didn't care, then what exactly are/were you you him?

Exactly.

And, if she derives her self worth from the interest/attention of this man, that would be difficult to deal with if/when he puts her aside. 

Edited May 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[Camper]

4 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

All I can feel now is this "perfect" man that I can no longer have.

Oh Vivalavi, he is far, far from perfect. He has been cheating on his wife! How could that possibly be considered to be perfect?

Affair partners nearly always consider one another to be "perfect," since they only see each other at their very best. There is no stressing over household budgets, chores, errands, and kids. Only limerence,"true love," and the excitement of the illicit activity. 

I know it is difficult to believe now, but you will soon realize that you are better off without him. Provided, of course, that you think with your head and not your heart. 

Hugs to you. 

[NYAG]

14 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Do you mean afraid I would tell his wife? If all he is doing is to do a slow fade then it's a pretty sad thing to do. 

He's an MM in an affair. Of course it's pretty sad. Slow fade is the safe way. They all do it if they want to end things without a scene. Married or single.

[elaine567]

The minute he turned hot and cold, he was telling you something but you weren't really listening.
You noticed,  but you did not want to believe it was over, you wanted him to step up. 
Hot and cold introduces distance, it can be the start of the slow fade or it  can be a manipulative technique to get you more hooked, or it can get you used to the fact you are only the OW. "Don't get too comfortable this is going nowhere..."
or it can be a sign of guilt, horny and hot followed by contrite and cold...

An OW wanting "more" is often a huge problem, as guys don't usually enter into affairs to acquire a new wife, that is the last thing they want.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The minute he turned hot and cold, he was telling you something but you weren't really listening.
You noticed,  but you did not want to believe it was over, you wanted him to step up. 

This. He has been telling you something for a while and you are not listening. 

Vivlani, have you ever read the book “Who moved my cheese?” Forgive me, because it’s been a long time since I’ve read it... but, it’s a book about accepting change. In the book, one mouse will see that the cheese is being moved around the maze and they will start to look ahead - trying to anticipate where the cheese will be moved and where they can find more cheese. There is another mouse who goes to the place where the cheese used to be and becomes upset when the cheese is not there. They cry, they get angry because they really liked that cheese and it’s not fair that someone moved the cheese... rather than forming and adaptive response, they get very stuck in wanting/expecting something that has changed. They continue to return to the same spot in the maze, hoping/expecting to see the cheese. I feel like that’s what you are doing. You are clinging to the last little crumb of that cheese... you know that it will soon be gone - it has been moved and other mice will eat it! But, you cling to it now, you return to the same place in the maze hoping that there will be more cheese, lamenting how much you really like that cheese and how unfair it is that you don’t get the cheese anymore... It’s hard, but there is a lot to be said for accepting that the cheese is not there anymore and moving on...

Edited May 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[NYAG]

8 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The minute he turned hot and cold, he was telling you something but you weren't really listening.
You noticed,  but you did not want to believe it was over, you wanted him to step up. 
Hot and cold introduces distance, it can be the start of the slow fade or it  can be a manipulative technique to get you more hooked, or it can get you used to the fact you are only the OW. "Don't get too comfortable this is going nowhere..."
or it can be a sign of guilt, horny and hot followed by contrite and cold...

An OW wanting "more" is often a huge problem, as guys don't usually enter into affairs to acquire a new wife, that is the last thing they want.

I agree. Asking for more than has been offered is almost guaranteed to get you dropped like a hot brick because the chances are you're already getting as much as he's willing to give at that time. You are expected to be contented with your lot and any increase or decrease in interest is designed to keep you where he wants you. That isn't specific to your case, but to all cases.

[Snakesalive]

On 5/26/2021 at 6:37 PM, Vivalavi said:

I knew it would be. It’s just so addictive touching my booty. I mean seriously??!!?

Eugh -seriously-ok talking this way could be his sad attempt at lightening things up but I’m sorry to me it’s just disrespectful-he knows how upset you are it’s like he’s trying to make fun out of a situation that’s anything but for you -that’s really not good -seriously don’t lose anymore of your dignity over him 

[Snakesalive]

On 5/26/2021 at 5:11 AM, Vivalavi said:

He said things have to end because his wife wants a baby an

This made me so cross -total lack of responsibility on his part for ending things -instead “blaming “ the end of the relationship with you on his wife wanting a baby -he doesn’t want you to think badly of him so blames his unsuspecting wife -I pity her , I really do -sorry Vivali but you have a choice in this situation she doesn’t 

[Vivalavi]

8 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

Eugh -seriously-ok talking this way could be his sad attempt at lightening things up but I’m sorry to me it’s just disrespectful-he knows how upset you are it’s like he’s trying to make fun out of a situation that’s anything but for you -that’s really not good -seriously don’t lose anymore of your dignity over him 

I'm glad you put into words the way it actually made me feel. As if it was so much fun for him what it does to me. That's why I simply don't believe he truly cares. It's like rubbing salt into my wound!

[Vivalavi]

I need to vent before I respond to other posts and questions. Why is he doing this to me??? I was at work while he is on vacation. I said it's going to be a long day referring to being busy and his response was I'm sure it will be without me there to keep you company. Another thing was when he continued talk about his booty touch being addictive, he managed to say My lips must be like a powerful drug! Why??! Why do you say stuff like this if you know how I feel? He knows I'm hurting because he ended it and I can't kiss him or anything anymore. He also seems being so full of himself. Or I simply don't get his jokes? I don't know. I'm lost.

[Vivalavi]

8 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

This made me so cross -total lack of responsibility on his part for ending things -instead “blaming “ the end of the relationship with you on his wife wanting a baby -he doesn’t want you to think badly of him so blames his unsuspecting wife -I pity her , I really do -sorry Vivali but you have a choice in this situation she doesn’t 

I realized he found a nice excuse that anyone would excuse. Always a good guy... Just like when he says how he is everyone's favorite. Teachers and such.

[Vivalavi]

11 hours ago, NYAG said:

I agree. Asking for more than has been offered is almost guaranteed to get you dropped like a hot brick because the chances are you're already getting as much as he's willing to give at that time. You are expected to be contented with your lot and any increase or decrease in interest is designed to keep you where he wants you. That isn't specific to your case, but to all cases.

I think his hot and cold games were to keep me confused, desperate and hungry for more. It was intermittent reinforcement just like BaileyB said before. When we started to talk a year ago, he said he can't give me all I want because he likes to keep me on the edge...

[Vivalavi]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This. He has been telling you something for a while and you are not listening. 

Vivlani, have you ever read the book “Who moved my cheese?” Forgive me, because it’s been a long time since I’ve read it... but, it’s a book about accepting change. In the book, one mouse will see that the cheese is being moved around the maze and they will start to look ahead - trying to anticipate where the cheese will be moved and where they can find more cheese. There is another mouse who goes to the place where the cheese used to be and becomes upset when the cheese is not there. They cry, they get angry because they really liked that cheese and it’s not fair that someone moved the cheese... rather than forming and adaptive response, they get very stuck in wanting/expecting something that has changed. They continue to return to the same spot in the maze, hoping/expecting to see the cheese. I feel like that’s what you are doing. You are clinging to the last little crumb of that cheese... you know that it will soon be gone - it has been moved and other mice will eat it! But, you cling to it now, you return to the same place in the maze hoping that there will be more cheese, lamenting how much you really like that cheese and how unfair it is that you don’t get the cheese anymore... It’s hard, but there is a lot to be said for accepting that the cheese is not there anymore and moving on...

Thank you for reminding me of that book! I actually read it years ago when I was going through a marriage counseling. I think it's time to reread it. I so struggle with letting go and moving on. I "think" too much with my heart instead of my brain. 

 

[Vivalavi]

19 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The minute he turned hot and cold, he was telling you something but you weren't really listening.
You noticed,  but you did not want to believe it was over, you wanted him to step up. 
Hot and cold introduces distance, it can be the start of the slow fade or it  can be a manipulative technique to get you more hooked, or it can get you used to the fact you are only the OW. "Don't get too comfortable this is going nowhere..."
or it can be a sign of guilt, horny and hot followed by contrite and cold...

An OW wanting "more" is often a huge problem, as guys don't usually enter into affairs to acquire a new wife, that is the last thing they want.

Agreed. I think he was hot cold to play games or giving attention to someone else. I guess I'll never know. He will never tell me the truth.

[Vivalavi]

On 5/26/2021 at 6:04 PM, Camper said:

Oh Vivalavi, he is far, far from perfect. He has been cheating on his wife! How could that possibly be considered to be perfect?

Affair partners nearly always consider one another to be "perfect," since they only see each other at their very best. There is no stressing over household budgets, chores, errands, and kids. Only limerence,"true love," and the excitement of the illicit activity. 

I know it is difficult to believe now, but you will soon realize that you are better off without him. Provided, of course, that you think with your head and not your heart. 

Hugs to you. 

That's my biggest problem. Too much of my heart is involved and it rules over my mind. 

I know he isn't perfect and I was starting to see things before he ended it. Now I'm so focused on the way he ended it and pain that it makes me desperately blind. I was driving to work this morning and thinking about everything. And just like that... I found myself in different city. Not knowing how i actually got there. That never happened to me before.

[BaileyB]

The person who controls your thoughts is you. 

If you want to change your feelings, change your life, you need to change your thinking. 

In a word - counselling. Cognitive behavioural therapy. 

[Vivalavi]

On 5/26/2021 at 5:01 PM, elaine567 said:

You NEED him to care because if he didn't care, then what exactly are/were you you him?

If he didn't care, I would feel used. I was just a toy fullfiling his porn inspired fantasies. 

I need him to care, because otherwise I was wrong about him those whole time when thinking he is better than some cold-hearted user.