Would you feel hurt if your MM cheats on you? Update: He ended it.

[elaine567]

This guy does not respect you one bit. 
He was pushing you to do things sexually for him he has never done before and he used no protection.
He was using you as a free escort, but he got to have unprotected sex with you...
He may have ended it due to the baby making, or he just got bored or he found someone who would do the stuff he wanted. hard to say, but you are better out of it.

You put up with being "less than", try to avoid that in the future.

[PhoenixRising8]

20 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Fully physical. He was kinda pushing to try things he haven't before, but I wasn't ready. And stupidly enough, he wasn't using any protection except once and I let him.

If he’s pushing to do things he hasn’t done before, sounds to me like porn is a factor. Maybe addiction, maybe not, but I’d bet it’s a factor. Does he impress because he last long?  Is very creative in bed?  The reason may be porn and not his innate prowess. Not likely he would ever ask the wife but the OW is OK. Not really but yeah, it’s how they think. 

[BaileyB]

Quote

He was kinda pushing to try things he haven't before, but I wasn't ready. 

It tells the story of a man having an affair for the sex - not an emotional connection. We already know what he thinks about himself and we know what he thinks about OP (that she is lucky to bask in the glow of his magnificence). His primary motivations are his own ego and sex. 

Quote

each time we talk about how good he is or how he makes me feel

It’s not about you. It’s all about him and how lucky you are that he makes you feel good... except, he doesn’t make you feel good anymore. 

Quote

I never found enough strength to leave him. Thinking I would never find someone or making it on my own in a foreign country and no family.

This is key. You feel that you don’t have the strength or the courage to leave your marriage. You thought you had found a solution, to make life more palatable. But, you have essentially found another dysfunctional, dead end relationship. 

Edited May 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Try not to monkey branch your way out of a marriage, as it rarely ends well, especially if the object of your desire is also married.
You have grabbed onto this guy to save you from an ailing marriage, only to find he is likely more screwed up than you are.
Be VERY glad he ended it.

[Snakesalive]

8 hours ago, NYAG said:

Or because she won't put up with that kind of behaviour.

Exactly 

[Vivalavi]

On 5/28/2021 at 5:00 PM, BaileyB said:

Not really. You like what you think he brings to your life... which is different than what he actually brings, which is very little.

Lets play the what-if game, what-if he was your husband? You would still be unhappy because the sex would go out of that relationship too eventually. You wouldn’t be emotionally connected to him - you would tire pretty quickly of his self-importance. How can one be emotionally connected to a man who thinks primarily of themselves. And then, there is the fact that you aren’t his one and only affair partner - he’s flirting with anybody who wears a skirt at the office. There’s no happiness of joy to be found in that. 

Truth be told, I've never pictured him as my husband. I know I could never trust him. The fact is, I am no better than him except that I would never cheat at my spouse before our marriage as he did.

I didn't witness him flirting, but he is naturally flirty/friendly person which some can take as flirty. He told me he got misunderstood like that often. Once I joked about it and his response was that he doesn't pay attention to ladies at work because most of them are hoochies. Whatever he meant by it. 

I truly care about him, but I always knew there wasn't chance for us. He is also a lot younger than me. 

[Vivalavi]

Today is such a struggle. I have been crying a lot. Ever since he ended it, he texted me for most of days, except today. One text in a morning, then absolutely nothing. I can't stop thinking of him and our little talk in person. It is killing me. He seemed so calm and satisfied telling me how we knew it would end one day. Telling me how much he truly cares even though he hardly ever said it before. When I mentioned that his break up text was so cold, he said he knew we will continue our conversation. I said it is so easy for him while he said it isn't. He mentioned if his W didn't want a kid, we would be still seeing each other. But it's his calmness and saying "I understand" over and over again that makes me feel so weird. Also, that unusual chit chatting during a day. He never asked me so much about me and never tried so hard to keep us talking. He said later on, that he didn't want to make things awkward for us after all. I feel no genuineness even though it would help my anxiety to simply believe his words. That he truly cares and the ending is nothing personal.

[Vivalavi]

12 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Try not to monkey branch your way out of a marriage, as it rarely ends well, especially if the object of your desire is also married.
You have grabbed onto this guy to save you from an ailing marriage, only to find he is likely more screwed up than you are.
Be VERY glad he ended it.

I didn't want him as my future anything. I'm not that naive. I know who he loves. But I enjoyed him in my life. 

[Vivalavi]

12 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It tells the story of a man having an affair for the sex - not an emotional connection. We already know what he thinks about himself and we know what he thinks about OP (that she is lucky to bask in the glow of his magnificence). His primary motivations are his own ego and sex. 

It’s not about you. It’s all about him and how lucky you are that he makes you feel good... except, he doesn’t make you feel good anymore. 

This is key. You feel that you don’t have the strength or the courage to leave your marriage. You thought you had found a solution, to make life more palatable. But, you have essentially found another dysfunctional, dead end relationship. 

You are always right! I just need to let it sink in. I don't know how long it's going to take. 

I feel miserable. I'm hurting and I don't know how to stop it. I looked at my little daughter today and thought to myself that I hope she will never be as naive and stupid as her mom. That she will never create such a mess that would leave her questioning everything. Her worth. Her dignity. Everything.  

Looking back at my parents marriage, I always hoped they would divorce. My mom deserved better than an alcoholic husband who spent most of family income on his addiction. She never left him. She never will. And here I am. Doing the same thing except my H isn't alcoholic. Yet, our marriage feels so empty and lonely.

[Vivalavi]

12 hours ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

If he’s pushing to do things he hasn’t done before, sounds to me like porn is a factor. Maybe addiction, maybe not, but I’d bet it’s a factor. Does he impress because he last long?  Is very creative in bed?  The reason may be porn and not his innate prowess. Not likely he would ever ask the wife but the OW is OK. Not really but yeah, it’s how they think. 

I know he watched it before but I don't know whether he is addicted. 

I have been only with one man most of my life, so whether MM lasts long is hard to answer. What is long? At the beginning, we just kissed and he came. Later, it took like 10-20 sec during intercourse. But after time, he could easily go up to 5 minutes. But multiple times in a row. 

His taste was unusual to me. Even when we only talked, he said he likes it rough to the point you end up sore. He likes to "choke" which turned out to be his hand on my throat. Not pushing hard but I could feel it.  His touch was rough. I was sore all over. It's like he didn't know how much sucking is enough. And he definitely didn't know how sensitive women are down there. He pressed too hard for me to enjoy it. But he was also gentle because he knew I liked it. He would kiss me for hours and cuddle. Smile, laugh. Just stare at me and smiling. Those were moments that I will miss and that's what's killing me. I could just sit on his lap while kissing and be absolutely happy.

 

[Vivalavi]

17 hours ago, elaine567 said:

This guy does not respect you one bit. 
He was pushing you to do things sexually for him he has never done before and he used no protection.
He was using you as a free escort, but he got to have unprotected sex with you...
He may have ended it due to the baby making, or he just got bored or he found someone who would do the stuff he wanted. hard to say, but you are better out of it.

You put up with being "less than", try to avoid that in the future.

Thank you, Elaine! One thing I hated was when he said "I want you to suck it" That was a major turn off. Not the idea of doing it because I wanted to please him, but the fact how he asked. I turned him down several times for that. 

I feel like he didn't have respect for me, but what's worse is I was losing a respect for myself.

[Vivalavi]

On 5/28/2021 at 1:34 AM, Snakesalive said:

How physical has the affair got? 

Full physical.

[Vivalavi]

On 5/28/2021 at 5:40 AM, NYAG said:

Childish mind games. Men like to do that to women in these situations. Keep them guessing. It's like text games where you can see a text has been read but he doesn't answer for hours or days. It's about control. He's getting such a kick of out of this. I wonder if he plays the same daft games with his wife. 

Why does he need to be in control like that? He was like that in bed. Bossy a lot. He would let me take a lead but then would take control. Sometimes holding my hands behind my back. Giving orders in a way.

[Vivalavi]

On 5/28/2021 at 5:43 AM, Snakesalive said:

Absolutely-it’s hard fir the OP to understand how he gets a kick out of her behaviour because it’s not how she would behave .  
Agree he probably doesn’t play these games with his wife because he doesn’t need to 

You are right! I find hard to understand what gives him kicks. Maybe it's because my feelings are involved. 

[Donnas]

This reads like a thief asking if he should report a other thief to the police for stealing his stolen goods.😳😳😳😭🤣

This question shows that you dont agree with cheating with someone elses man deep down.And know its wrong. 

Because you are doing it all,but dont want him to do it with more people also.

But fact is, hes married.He is doing it with his wife and you.So this is already 4people......🙄

If you wanna feel special ,work on your marriage issues with your own man.And break affairs of. Affairs may feel like you are special but its just a sensual game often.Till the other person dont need you anymore.

[NYAG]

19 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Try not to monkey branch your way out of a marriage, as it rarely ends well, especially if the object of your desire is also married.
You have grabbed onto this guy to save you from an ailing marriage, only to find he is likely more screwed up than you are.
Be VERY glad he ended it.

Yep. Using one relationship to escape another never ends well in my experience. Never doing that again!

[NYAG]

7 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Why does he need to be in control like that? He was like that in bed. Bossy a lot. He would let me take a lead but then would take control. Sometimes holding my hands behind my back. Giving orders in a way.

Urgh. Men with a control complex.

[jah526]

9 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

One thing I hated was when he said "I want you to suck it"

They used to say on here it’s all a fairytale until Prince Charming wants a blow job.  Yours sounds a lot like my xMM. That’s all he really wanted. No doubt something he couldn’t get from his wife. Probably what the majority of them want. So really, I read a lot of these posts and think, all this drama and upheaval and insanity for what? All because some selfish guy wants a bj.

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, jah526 said:

So really, I read a lot of these posts and think, all this drama and upheaval and insanity for what? All because some selfish guy wants a bj.

All this pain, hurting two women and in some cases another spouse and children should either couple have children, because some selfish guy wants a bj. That certainly puts it into perspective. 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I feel miserable. I'm hurting and I don't know how to stop it. I looked at my little daughter today and thought to myself that I hope she will never be as naive and stupid as her mom. That she will never create such a mess that would leave her questioning everything. Her worth. Her dignity. Everything.  

Counselling. It is the only solution here.
Rather than wishing that your daughter would never be as naive and stupid as her mom, why don’t you heal this for yourself so that you can show her what it is to be a strong woman who takes control of her life and makes healthy decisions - because she has self worth and refuses to settle for anything less. 

Vivalani, I believe that things happen for a reason. This is your journey, these are the lessons that you were meant to learn. Be grateful, because you have the opportunity to grow as a person and create a better future for yourself. We don’t grow when life is going well. We grow through the challenges and the hard times we face. Fail to use this opportunity, and you will be doomed to repeat the same struggle for the whole of your life. Learn, and you will create a better future for yourself. Get yourself some self help books, listen to some podcasts, find yourself a counsellor - do the work! Nobody can do it for you. 

[Vivalavi]

15 hours ago, jah526 said:

They used to say on here it’s all a fairytale until Prince Charming wants a blow job.  Yours sounds a lot like my xMM. That’s all he really wanted. No doubt something he couldn’t get from his wife. Probably what the majority of them want. So really, I read a lot of these posts and think, all this drama and upheaval and insanity for what? All because some selfish guy wants a bj.

Oh your first sentence made me laugh!  He said he didn't get that from his W for years. But who knows!? I believed him for some reason. They want what they want! I can't imagine requesting going down on me the way he was requesting me going down on him.

[Vivalavi]

On 5/30/2021 at 8:17 AM, BaileyB said:

Counselling. It is the only solution here.
Rather than wishing that your daughter would never be as naive and stupid as her mom, why don’t you heal this for yourself so that you can show her what it is to be a strong woman who takes control of her life and makes healthy decisions - because she has self worth and refuses to settle for anything less. 

Vivalani, I believe that things happen for a reason. This is your journey, these are the lessons that you were meant to learn. Be grateful, because you have the opportunity to grow as a person and create a better future for yourself. We don’t grow when life is going well. We grow through the challenges and the hard times we face. Fail to use this opportunity, and you will be doomed to repeat the same struggle for the whole of your life. Learn, and you will create a better future for yourself. Get yourself some self help books, listen to some podcasts, find yourself a counsellor - do the work! Nobody can do it for you. 

Thank you! I'm in a search of one. My previous experiences with counseling were always positive and helpful. 

[jah526]

On 5/30/2021 at 10:52 PM, Vivalavi said:

Oh your first sentence made me laugh!

Glad to hear that... good to have a little comic relief to help ease the pain, no?

[mark clemson]

On 5/29/2021 at 8:48 PM, Vivalavi said:

Why does he need to be in control like that?

Possibly he has a sexual fetish for "dominance". Many men (and some women) do, including myself. However, it's important that whatever you do be done together - that is, mutually consented to.

[Vivalavi]

On 6/1/2021 at 9:19 PM, mark clemson said:

Possibly he has a sexual fetish for "dominance". Many men (and some women) do, including myself. However, it's important that whatever you do be done together - that is, mutually consented to.

He does. He said he likes to be in full control. He also likes to say he is always right, always wins, always someone's favorite, always best at things... Always always always. No one is always something. Ugh. But I like dominance too. Makes me see him even manlier than he is.  However, the whole choking idea made me think be must hate me or something.