Would you feel hurt if your MM cheats on you? Update: He ended it.

[Vivalavi]

I'm struggling to let go. I have always struggled to let go. That's why I am still with the same man since I was 17. I'm in my late 30s now. I didn't leave him even though he was physically and emotionally abusive. We went through a counseling and while it helped to some degree, I never felt the same about him. 

With this guy, I'm struggling to let go badly. It hurts to the core. I keep telling myself all rational facts about him, that I should choose myself and my own well-being. Words vs actions. I think I'm in denial and don't want to admit that he isn't who I thought he was. Deep down, I just can't imagine he isn't better than just someone who uses others. I know I'm just kidding myself here. The struggles are real.

[BaileyB]

There it is, you are not yet ready to let him go. Even though he is not a good person, and even though this is not a healthy relationship... You have formed an attachment to him and you are struggling to let that go. 

Forgive me, because I can’t remember... Have you seen a counsellor. Because, if you have a counsellor...I think you have just discovered your next topic of discussion. Something to work towards... choosing you, learning to let go and knowing that you can stand on your own. 

[Snakesalive]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

There it is, you are not yet ready to let him go

 

Totally-IMO telling him otherwise when you don’t really feel it will make your head spin even more and  you’ll be setting yourself up for going back and forth instead of making a real permanent detachment.  
Through therapy I have unpicked why I attached so strongly to my AP and my attachment style -I learnt why I found it almost impossible to detach and TBH I’m not sure left to my own devices and  without the D day I think I would still be right where you are now .  I wish I’d sought therapy during the affair instead of leaving it until I’d blown up my life 

Edited April 21, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Vivalavi]

On 4/21/2021 at 11:12 AM, Snakesalive said:

Totally-IMO telling him otherwise when you don’t really feel it will make your head spin even more and  you’ll be setting yourself up for going back and forth instead of making a real permanent detachment.  
Through therapy I have unpicked why I attached so strongly to my AP and my attachment style -I learnt why I found it almost impossible to detach and TBH I’m not sure left to my own devices and  without the D day I think I would still be right where you are now .  I wish I’d sought therapy during the affair instead of leaving it until I’d blown up my life 

What was your reason for such a strong attachment if you don't mind me to ask?

[Snakesalive]

19 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

What was your reason for such a strong attachment if you don't mind me to ask?

Well I relate most to the anxious preoccupied style of attachment . So basically I seek out high levels of intimacy and I’m very expressive about my emotions-when I love someone I fall very hard and it’s natural for me to show the OP a lot of care and attention, My therapist described me as a natural empath and I guess my AP and I created the perfect storm fir an affair -he was very sexual , relished the attention and treated me as an emotional crutch -He had a massive fear of failure in his professional life-we worked closely  together often travelling overseas so our attachment was very strong both professionally and personally I was forever focusing on him to the exclusion of everything and everyone else -any sign he was pulling away just made me focus more and try harder. 

[mimic2021]

20 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

Well I relate most to the anxious preoccupied style of attachment . So basically I seek out high levels of intimacy and I’m very expressive about my emotions-when I love someone I fall very hard and it’s natural for me to show the OP a lot of care and attention, My therapist described me as a natural empath and I guess my AP and I created the perfect storm fir an affair -he was very sexual , relished the attention and treated me as an emotional crutch -He had a massive fear of failure in his professional life-we worked closely  together often travelling overseas so our attachment was very strong both professionally and personally I was forever focusing on him to the exclusion of everything and everyone else -any sign he was pulling away just made me focus more and try harder. 

What tools helped you to work on that? What  can I look into if I want grow so I can avoid getting into a similar situation (again)? 

[Snakesalive]

On 5/14/2021 at 12:30 PM, mimic2021 said:

What tools helped you to work on that? What  can I look into if I want grow so I can avoid getting into a similar situation (again)? 

Counselling has really helped me , I’m not sure I could have got this far without it -especially in the early days when we broke up . I’ve also read blogs about affair recovery -anything I could find on line really  . 

 

 

 

[spiritedaway2003]

On 5/14/2021 at 7:30 AM, mimic2021 said:

What tools helped you to work on that? What  can I look into if I want grow so I can avoid getting into a similar situation (again)? 

Going to counseling.  Learn to be more aware of your own behaviors and habits.  Recognizing the patterns.  Putting what you learned to the test --- not necessarily in other potential affair situations, but knowing how to deal with "like" situations with gray areas of boundaries. Understanding that no two stories are the same - even helpful advice that work for some might not work for others. There is no one size fits all for everyone.  Find the answers that resonate with your inner self.  Whether you're choosing to continue to stay in a relationship or let go -- those decisions happen not when people tell you what you "should or shouldn't" do, but when you mean it.

The thing about life is that life is constant and things will naturally change when one can no longer bear the situation they are in.  People will either find healthy ways to deal with it (for example, ending a relationship that outlasted its shelf life) or unhealthy way, such as escaping to other outlets.

At the end of the day, you don't just want to be sailboat caught in a storm, moving in whatever directions the storm carries you.  Find your anchor and you will eventually arrive at exactly where you're supposed to be.  Be compassionate towards to yourself and others, even if you're the one who screwed up.  Growing isn't about not making the mistakes, it's about learning from each relationship so that you don't repeatedly make the same ones over and over again.  If you can learn from each relationship, you will find growth.

Edited May 15, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[Vivalavi]

And just like that I no longer need a reason to end it... He did it for me. My heart is breaking and I'm not sure what to do. In our regular convo, he said he is my friend on top of what ever else this is. I told him to me he is more than just a friend. We talk the usual until I asked what all this is to him.  He texted back that things have to come to end. Friendship can stay but we can't mess and meet with each other anymore. He said his wife wants another baby and he can't keep this up in a good conscience. Then he said he doesn't want me to feel like he is leading  me on in any way, it isn't his intentions. But he can't keep doing this anymore. 

This hurts and I'm pretty sure I'm in denial right now. I'm hurting and thinking why he didn't have enough decency to tell me in person. Did it really mean so little to him? I feel such coldness from his last message. As if he simply throw me under the bus and didn't look back.  I feel I meant absolutely nothing to him.

And the crazy thing is, I'm working with him tomorrow. It will be a first day without touch or kiss. I don't know if I can handle that. Why didn't he tell me in person??!! 😢

 

[Aether]

2 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

And just like that I no longer need a reason to end it... He did it for me. My heart is breaking and I'm not sure what to do. In our regular convo, he said he is my friend on top of what ever else this is. I told him to me he is more than just a friend. We talk the usual until I asked what all this is to him.  He texted back that things have to come to end. Friendship can stay but we can't mess and meet with each other anymore. He said his wife wants another baby and he can't keep this up in a good conscience. Then he said he doesn't want me to feel like he is leading  me on in any way, it isn't his intentions. But he can't keep doing this anymore. 

This hurts and I'm pretty sure I'm in denial right now. I'm hurting and thinking why he didn't have enough decency to tell me in person. Did it really mean so little to him? I feel such coldness from his last message. As if he simply throw me under the bus and didn't look back.  I feel I meant absolutely nothing to him.

And the crazy thing is, I'm working with him tomorrow. It will be a first day without touch or kiss. I don't know if I can handle that. Why didn't he tell me in person??!! 😢

 

Mine didn't tell me in person either time.

Today is my birthday and I'm struggling.  This would be the first year I've not received those just 2 words from him since I've known him.  I cried earlier and haven't done that for months, it's pathetic really.

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

And just like that I no longer need a reason to end it... He did it for me. My heart is breaking and I'm not sure what to do. In our regular convo, he said he is my friend on top of what ever else this is. I told him to me he is more than just a friend. We talk the usual until I asked what all this is to him.  He texted back that things have to come to end. Friendship can stay but we can't mess and meet with each other anymore. He said his wife wants another baby and he can't keep this up in a good conscience. Then he said he doesn't want me to feel like he is leading  me on in any way, it isn't his intentions. But he can't keep doing this anymore. 

This hurts and I'm pretty sure I'm in denial right now. I'm hurting and thinking why he didn't have enough decency to tell me in person. Did it really mean so little to him? I feel such coldness from his last message. As if he simply throw me under the bus and didn't look back.  I feel I meant absolutely nothing to him.

And the crazy thing is, I'm working with him tomorrow. It will be a first day without touch or kiss. I don't know if I can handle that. Why didn't he tell me in person??!! 😢

If you want specific advice about this new development then start a new thread.
This one is a general thread about MM cheating on their OWs.

[NYAG]

3 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

And just like that I no longer need a reason to end it... He did it for me. My heart is breaking and I'm not sure what to do. In our regular convo, he said he is my friend on top of what ever else this is. I told him to me he is more than just a friend. We talk the usual until I asked what all this is to him.  He texted back that things have to come to end. Friendship can stay but we can't mess and meet with each other anymore. He said his wife wants another baby and he can't keep this up in a good conscience. Then he said he doesn't want me to feel like he is leading  me on in any way, it isn't his intentions. But he can't keep doing this anymore. 

This hurts and I'm pretty sure I'm in denial right now. I'm hurting and thinking why he didn't have enough decency to tell me in person. Did it really mean so little to him? I feel such coldness from his last message. As if he simply throw me under the bus and didn't look back.  I feel I meant absolutely nothing to him.

And the crazy thing is, I'm working with him tomorrow. It will be a first day without touch or kiss. I don't know if I can handle that. Why didn't he tell me in person??!! 😢

 

Because it's better to do it from a distance. They're all cowards you know that don't you? He's afraid of your face to face reaction, so on the end of a phone is far safer. Especially if you work together.

[Vivalavi]

I don't even know where to begin. I have been coming to this forum for opinions, advices, explanations ever since I first met my MM back in March last year. We Snapchat every single day and saw each other about once a month. I was falling for him but also felt that my gut feeling was telling me something wasn't right. He was hot and cold and it has been an emotional rollercoaster. I was trying to find the way to let go... It didn't happen until he made it happen. We were chatting just the usual way when I asked him what this is for him. He wrote what I didn't expect. He said things have to end because his wife wants a baby and he would feel guilty if we keep going. He said he doesn't want to lead me on. He said he genuinely cares.

I couldn't sleep that night. I cried so much. Next morning, I had to work with him. He was unusually chatty, asked about me, my family, being helpful with work. Then, once in elevator, he said come here and gave me a full body hug that lasted for a while. We also had a talk face to face. I told him I feel used because it seems he ended it after I mentioned he is more than just a friend to me. He kept saying that's not it. He said it's nothing personal just the baby thing. He said over and over again how genuinely he cares for me.  He wants to stay friends and also said we can still Snapchat. 

I feel so heartbroken.  I don't know what to do. I can't imagine not being able to kiss him again or touch him. Those things that were alarming about him are suddenly gone and I see him as a perfect man. It's pathetic. And I am lost. Why was he hugging me? Can he truly care or just feel guilty?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

He said things have to end because his wife wants a baby and he would feel guilty if we keep going. 

Do you work together? He's got a good point about focusing on his wife and family more.

It's a blessing. You're free now. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single available men.

You'll be much happier that way.

[elaine567]

 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single available men.

Not really the best idea considering Vivalavi is married...

Vivalavi
Time to take stock of your life.
What were you thinking getting mixed up with a married work colleague?? 
Where did you really think that was going?
What are your plans for your marriage, your future? 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

He wants to stay friends and also said we can still Snapchat. 

Huge nay to both. 

You will not be able to stay friends or still communicate through any means. It will keep you hooked when you need to focus on letting go. This was going to come to an end sooner or later, even if you weren't ready to accept that. It's better that it's over now, so you cam set yourself free of this mess. 

He probably didn't initially tell you in person because he couldn't handle an emotional reaction. He took the easy way out by informing you on the phone. The hug was merely a mix of guilt and maybe some genuine care, but you have to understand he cares about himself more than he has ever cared about you. Your emotional investment was far greater than his, as you're now realizing. 

Now that the Band-Aid has been ripped off, you have to sort your own life out. 

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Huge nay to both. 

You will not be able to stay friends or still communicate through any means. It will keep you hooked when you need to focus on letting go. This was going to come to an end sooner or later, even if you weren't ready to accept that. It's better that it's over now, so you cam set yourself free of this mess. 

He probably didn't initially tell you in person because he couldn't handle an emotional reaction. He took the easy way out by informing you on the phone. The hug was merely a mix of guilt and maybe some genuine care, but you have to understand he cares about himself more than he has ever cared about you. Your emotional investment was far greater than his, as you're now realizing. 

Now that the Band-Aid has been ripped off, you have to sort your own life out. 

I agree this is an awful way to end this. Go NC. Walk away. And Snapchat? Such a depressing thought.

[Vivalavi]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Huge nay to both. 

You will not be able to stay friends or still communicate through any means. It will keep you hooked when you need to focus on letting go. This was going to come to an end sooner or later, even if you weren't ready to accept that. It's better that it's over now, so you cam set yourself free of this mess. 

He probably didn't initially tell you in person because he couldn't handle an emotional reaction. He took the easy way out by informing you on the phone. The hug was merely a mix of guilt and maybe some genuine care, but you have to understand he cares about himself more than he has ever cared about you. Your emotional investment was far greater than his, as you're now realizing. 

Now that the Band-Aid has been ripped off, you have to sort your own life out. 

You are right! It won't help me to heal and let go off those feelings I have for him. I honestly don't understand why he said we can still do that. He said he enjoys talking to me.

Truth be told, I'm holding onto it because I'm not ready to accept there will be nothing more than friendship. Just the idea of not kissing him again makes me teary. 

He told me several times during our talk how much he cares for me and it's nothing personal. He said if his wife didn't want another baby, we would be still seeing each other. Then, for some reason he mentioned he has a married friend guy who sleept with like 5 different females in two months. He said he looks at them like "had enough of this one, next!" Why did he tell me this? Trying to prove he didn't dispose me so quick? That it took 15 months? 

Also, what you said about that hug is true. When be gave me another one, he said don't hate me. When I said I can't take it any other way but personal, he always replied I understand. He used that phrase multiple times. Just calm. He was giving me extra attention at work but it all seemed out of guilt. I want to believe he truly cares but at the same time I can't. Why is that?

[NYAG]

28 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

You are right! It won't help me to heal and let go off those feelings I have for him. I honestly don't understand why he said we can still do that. He said he enjoys talking to me.

Truth be told, I'm holding onto it because I'm not ready to accept there will be nothing more than friendship. Just the idea of not kissing him again makes me teary. 

He told me several times during our talk how much he cares for me and it's nothing personal. He said if his wife didn't want another baby, we would be still seeing each other. Then, for some reason he mentioned he has a married friend guy who sleept with like 5 different females in two months. He said he looks at them like "had enough of this one, next!" Why did he tell me this? Trying to prove he didn't dispose me so quick? That it took 15 months? 

Also, what you said about that hug is true. When be gave me another one, he said don't hate me. When I said I can't take it any other way but personal, he always replied I understand. He used that phrase multiple times. Just calm. He was giving me extra attention at work but it all seemed out of guilt. I want to believe he truly cares but at the same time I can't. Why is that?

He is trying to disarm you so you don't blow up about it. He is being submissive to your feelings and agreeing with you on everything so that you stay calm and think he's on your side. I suspect he's terrified you will cause him trouble so don't think anything he is currently doing isn't for his own benefit. By saying 'we can still be friends' he can do a slow retraction over time and then eventually one day you'll suddenly realise he's gone. It's all tactics.

[Vivalavi]

7 hours ago, NYAG said:

I agree this is an awful way to end this. Go NC. Walk away. And Snapchat? Such a depressing thought.

It is! I don't know why would he wanted to stay chatting if he wanted to end all of it. Isn't talking to another female still wrong? Especially given our history? I feel like he enjoys those ego boost he gets. I wrote him that I find hard working around him and not being able to touch him. He replied I know. I knew it would be. It’s just so addictive touching my booty. I mean seriously??!!? I asked whether he is joking or being full of himself. He said Both! It is killing me to feel how fine with everything he is. It is so easy for him to end it even though he claimed it wasn't. I don't believe him but o guess I should for a peace of my mind.

[Vivalavi]

2 hours ago, NYAG said:

He is trying to disarm you so you don't blow up about it. He is being submissive to your feelings and agreeing with you on everything so that you stay calm and think he's on your side. I suspect he's terrified you will cause him trouble so don't think anything he is currently doing isn't for his own benefit. By saying 'we can still be friends' he can do a slow retraction over time and then eventually one day you'll suddenly realise he's gone. It's all tactics.

Do you mean afraid I would tell his wife? If all he is doing is to do a slow fade then it's a pretty sad thing to do. 

[Vivalavi]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 

Not really the best idea considering Vivalavi is married...

Vivalavi
Time to take stock of your life.
What were you thinking getting mixed up with a married work colleague?? 
Where did you really think that was going?
What are your plans for your marriage, your future? 

I obviously wasn't thinking. It distracted me from my own, unhappy marriage. While I knew this would end one day, I didn't expect it now. I am obsessively thinking it was because I told him he was more than a friend even though he claims I told him long time ago and it simply wasn't it. He said he would feel guilty to see me since his wife wants another baby. 

I don't know what plans for my marriage are. I should get divorced and let my husband find a love he deserve.  He deserves better.

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

Do you mean afraid I would tell his wife? If all he is doing is to do a slow fade then it's a pretty sad thing to do. 

This is typical of MM who are trying to end an affair.  They don't want to get on your bad side because they are afraid you will ruin their life.  So they do the slow fade to give you time to adjust to the break up and hopefully get so sick of them that you fade away on your own.

[jah526]

He may be trying to do the right thing now, but my xMM started hunting around when his wife was heavily pregnant and refusing sex. Might be a good opportunity to shut this down on your end before this happens to you too. Stay in touch with him and it’s almost guaranteed to happen.

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is typical of MM who are trying to end an affair.  They don't want to get on your bad side because they are afraid you will ruin their life.  So they do the slow fade to give you time to adjust to the break up and hopefully get so sick of them that you fade away on your own.

The problem here is, she is misinterpreting the “mixed signals” of the slow fade as possible interest. Couple that with the fact that she isn’t going to let go unless she has no other option and this continues indefinitely, which is not helpful to OP. 

Edited May 26, 2021 by BaileyB